Should I be cross or is this all normal?!

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DS1 is 18, home for the summer after his first year at university. He’s my eldest child and I’m a single parent, so everything is new, and I never really know what is OK and what isn’t.

He’s generally a good kid, has a holiday job, came on the family holiday, gets on with his brother (age 15), plays football with him etc. But like all kids his age he goes out drinking with his mates, maybe one night a week, and comes back drunk. I don’t drink, and I hate it when he gets drunk, but that’s what they do isn’t it. He’s had girlfriends but ever any serious ones.

Last night he went into town - his phone battery died but he called me at midnight from a friend’s phone to say he’d be late as they were going clubbing. I heard him come in at 4am (he was quiet but I’m a light sleeper). He’s just texted me from his bedroom asking me not to come in as he’s brought “a mate” home. I’ve got no idea if this will be a lad sleeping on his floor, a female friend in his bed, or a random girl from town.

We’ve never discussed him bringing people back, never said it was OK, never said it wasn’t. I’m feeling a bit peeved about the whole thing, but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I find adjusting to the changes that come with him becoming an adult quite difficult, so I never know if my reactions are reasonable, or if I should just accept it.

How would others feel?

Op, i think you need to decide what works for you. And what works for the home now that your 18yr old is not living there everyday.

For instance, PP on here letting their 15 and 16 yr olds have sleepovers with their boyfriends or girlfriends is and was a complete NO for me. It's never been an issue, DC are fine and thriving.

People have different boundaries. If something does not make you feel good, it does not matter if other people are okay with it or vice versa.

Do what feels right for you.

I think the fact he phoned you at midnight to say he’d be late shows your son has a good character. He may have just got carried away in the heat of the moment. I wouldn’t worry too much, at least he’s safe at home. If it’s a constant string of different girls then maybe not but only you can decide your boundaries and then communicate them to your son. You can’t put an old head on young shoulders…18 year olds are not fully formed adults and as such don’t act like it.

My rule is I don’t like strangers staying over. So if it is someone who’s been here a few times before and I get an OK vibe from them, I’m happy for them to stay. I don’t want randoms home from a nightclub.

I explained it that everyone seems good and trustworthy when you’re six pints in, but that not everyone is really. I want to be able to go to sleep and know I’m not going to wake up to find the TV missing.

I would be treating him like a adult.

I would not expect anyone to use my house as a fuck pad, myself included, when it is a family home shared by everyone.

I found the transition from parenting children to adults the hardest of all the stages.

I think in this situation, you need a chat about asking before bringing a guest, but in reality, I don't think I've ever said no.

This. I’m pretty relaxed and I think this is fair. I wouldn’t bring a random back and so there’s no double standards.

My brother and I are in our 30s now, but as late teens this just would never have happened in our home, we just knew mum and dad wouldn’t have it! Friends they knew could stay over, but we would never have been allowed random strangers, I also wouldn’t have wanted to in my parents home! What I got up to at uni though, was a different story! I think it’s just a bit disrespectful, however I know a lot of people where this sort of thing was normal in their homes.
So I think there’s no right or wrong answer, it’s what you feel comfortable with in your own home. I’d maybe have a casual chat and say “do what you like st uni, but not in my home please. But if and when you get a girlfriend/get serious with someone, I’d love for you to bring her home and meet her.”
He sounds like a great kid, I’m sure he’ll get it!

I have an 18yo, this hasn't happened because he has a girlfriend, but I'd be fairly relaxed about it.

I have two adult dd.

With regards to stopovers - friends they have to ask and check it's ok. Boyfriends- only once in a committed relationship.
No one night stands.

No cooking after 10 pm and be respectful if everyone else is in bed.

Clean up after themselves and do their own laundry

Mine aren't at that age yet but while I might be cross, I don't think I should be if you see what I mean? If you've never specifically said no overnight guests on the floor then he would have assumed someone bedding down on his floor would be fine. I know I did at the same age - maybe pushing the boundary of 'fine' but that's what most older teens do!

I'd just have a word if you don't like it. I personally would be ok for a pal to come home with him but not a one night stand. I don't care about casual sex but I think it would feel icky to have it happening under my roof!

you're weirdly paranoid. what exactly do you think is going to happen from one teenage girl walking past a younger child in the same house?

My dd is 20, also backwards and forwards from uni.

Rules are if she's staying put she messages me and let's me know, out of courtesy.

Female friends always welcome, but be quiet!

Male friends - in a pinch they get in her bed, she gets on sofa. Unless it is a boyfriend we have met. Not happened yet but that's the rule.

That way some young lad isn't getting turfed out or stuck for getting home, but neither do I have a 6ft hulking lad sweating on my sofa to come downstairs to. And if a relationship is serious enough to meet us, he can stay over. Probably in her room tho not happened as of yet as I said.

I think you need to decide if you are happy for him to bring ONS to your house.
Then have a word with him.

Is it normal? Probably yes.
But the most difficult part is that he is at Uni, living his life Wo the constraints of ‘mum’ and therefore with different ‘rules’ iyswim. So yes he’ll be more
likely to do what he does at Uni.
BUT it doesn’t mean you have to be happy/confortable with it. And you can still tell him NO.

I have 2 dcs at Uni and I wouldn’t be happy for them to bring a ONS (no issues with gf. They’ve brought them before). They know and respect that.

My 18-year-old regularly brings friends home sometimes unannounced. I'm absolutely fine with that but I wouldn't be okay with a random hook up girl turning up at my house!

Honestly, I probably wouldn't mind if an adult child brought someone home with them, assuming they weren't just treating the place like a doss-house and taking over. But obviously it's a personal choice and it's OK if you feel differently.

If you don't want it to happen again, have a reasonable and sensible chat with him the next day and say you don't want him bringing people back with him in future because you don't want people you don't know staying over in your house. Tell him it's fine if it's a girlfriend (or a mate) that you already know about/have met, but not someone he's just brought home from a club.

He did it this time because he assumed it would be OK and was drunk so didn't think it through. Presumably he's never been told he can't do this in your house, so I don't think he's actually done anything wrong in thinking it would be fine - you just need to set whatever boundaries you feel are appropriate. You don't have to tell him off, just have a grown-up conversation. As you say, he's a good lad in general so I don't think you need to make this into a big telling off, just a conversation about ground rules in your house, now that he's an adult living mostly away from home and the dynamic is shifting. Basically, present it to him as setting a few boundaries so you can co-exist in the house as two adults without making each other feel uncomfortable.

It's his home. I'd have no issue with this

My DC are 18 and 22 btw

If you read the thread, the OP says that she heard the 'mate' talking and that it was definitely a girl.

I think your DS is being quite mature tbh. He wouldnt be the first 18 year old student who likes to have a drin and go clubbing so i wouldnt even bat an eyelid at that whilst he is back home for the summer. You said yourself he is generally a good kid and acts in a normal way with his brother etc.

Regarding the visitor i would have an open discussion with him about what you do and do not find acceptable with consideration to others in the house (his brother). Lets face it he is a student living away from home. He is not going to have your moral barometer keeping him in check when he is away so its a bit rich to think he will be a saint at home. IMO he has been respectful so far and has had the decency to communicate he had a visitor before any embarrassment was caused.

Finally, if you do refuse to allow him to have 'friends' over he will just take opportunities elsewhere. Opportunities which may result in not having things like condoms available and all the issues that could result in. At least in the privacy of his own room he would have no excuse not to be safe

I say this as the parent of a 21yo DS and 17yo DD. Both have had their partners stay over. DS stays at his GF on a regular basis. DD has only asked on 2 occasions and we have granted permission both times because they we very mature about it.

I have three children and have passed through this stage - to different degrees - with all of them. I would always rather they felt comfortable at home. I was happy for them to bring people back - which happened occasionally. These usually became relationships and only one was a fleeting experience. I felt it safer than forcing them to go to others houses.

If you don’t know what the rules are then he certainly doesn’t, so you shouldn’t be too cross with him right now.

BUT, now it’s happened it’s time for a chat where you both decide what the boundaries are that you are both happy with.
There’s no right or wrong, just what you’re comfortable with and isn’t too restrictive for him - I assume you want him to be happy and feel some freedom in your/his home.

Good luck! x

If I didn't have younger children in the house, and they were quiet, didn't make a mess and so on, I'd be ok with it.

However, with younger children about their safety is paramount so no one that I don't know would be able to stay over unless emergency

Mother of 20yo DS here- this is what I would do. When they do emerge be friendly, insist you are introduced.

Today may not be the best time to talk to DS about this, I would probably let him tell me when would be a good time. Possibly go out for coffee, nice neutral venue and talk about some ground rules for living at home, for example letting you know if he is bringing anyone back. Maybe no one-nighters, but then perhaps better in a safe place....

Just talk about it.

You didn’t set any expectations before, so now do.

just say you understand he’s an adult, he may be having sex, and that’s fine and healthy.

But strangers in your house make you uncomfortable, and you don’t want to listen to your son shag! Just as in sure he doesn’t you.

friends that you’ve met on the couch are ok, but please text/call with friends name (always better than drinking and driving).

have him set up a contingency with a hotel or something nearby.

i wouldn’t even date when living at home. AKWARD!!! (or date anyone that lived with their parents).

so it is different, and It’s totally ok to be uncomfortable. Just talk. No shame. You are uncomfortable and that’s OK!

Better than fucking in a field?

Just hand him a pack of condoms next time you see him.

The embarrassment should be funny if nothing else!