Should I be cross or is this all normal?!

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DS1 is 18, home for the summer after his first year at university. He’s my eldest child and I’m a single parent, so everything is new, and I never really know what is OK and what isn’t.

He’s generally a good kid, has a holiday job, came on the family holiday, gets on with his brother (age 15), plays football with him etc. But like all kids his age he goes out drinking with his mates, maybe one night a week, and comes back drunk. I don’t drink, and I hate it when he gets drunk, but that’s what they do isn’t it. He’s had girlfriends but ever any serious ones.

Last night he went into town - his phone battery died but he called me at midnight from a friend’s phone to say he’d be late as they were going clubbing. I heard him come in at 4am (he was quiet but I’m a light sleeper). He’s just texted me from his bedroom asking me not to come in as he’s brought “a mate” home. I’ve got no idea if this will be a lad sleeping on his floor, a female friend in his bed, or a random girl from town.

We’ve never discussed him bringing people back, never said it was OK, never said it wasn’t. I’m feeling a bit peeved about the whole thing, but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I find adjusting to the changes that come with him becoming an adult quite difficult, so I never know if my reactions are reasonable, or if I should just accept it.

How would others feel?

That’s a really unnecessarily judgemental response. I’d be ok with it too, and my younger son wouldn’t think anything of it because in our house we’re not weirdly over invested in the sex lives of other adults. I’ve had open but age appropriate conversations with my children for many years so I would be confident at 18 I could trust their judgement. Also I personally would always prefer that my son came home after a night of drinking, even if that meant he had another person in tow. My sons are 18 and 15.

I think you should have had this conversation with him before hand and set out your expectations and rules regarding this.
I don't think you can actually blame him here as he has no frame of reference being so young and you've never stated any rules regarding bringing people back.
Just decide what your rules are then have a conversation with him about them.

We had an open door policy from age 16 as our kids went to school a distance away and we were the 'London crash pad'. Only annoying thing is they'd come home hungry and that was breakfast gone!
At 18 this seems perfectly normal, and if back at 4am the girl may have had no choice.
@Kitkat1523 that's an extreme reaction. I would hope if my kids was out late and missed the last train or whatever that they'd be welcome at a mate's house.

It's up to you OP to set the rules you want in your house. I'm happy for my dds to bring friends / boyfriends back to ours to sleep over. But mostly I have been asked beforehand and they haven't ever been in the habit of bringing random one night stands, where I might well draw the line given they would likely know nothing about them at all. Some of my friends think even having a regular bf sleeping over is weird but I disagree with that viewpoint and am happy my girls feel comfortable with it. ( Also I'm not a single parent, so have back up!)

I do think however think he should have asked you beforehand - even his message could have included a 'I hope that's ok' if it hadn't been planned in advance. It's your home, not a university flat or hall of residence, and that's quite different. No one wants to bump into a complete stranger in their own bathroom in the middle of the night.

I didn't allow my children to bring people home, male or female. They accepted it.

It's not great. Make it clear its not to happen again. He can move out lf he wants to do that.

I would not be happy with this. My DS has had a gf to stay over before but that was when they had been going out over 6 months.
I would tell him it’s unacceptable and not to happen again. What he gets up to at uni is up to him.

I have girls aged 17-19. Rule is that a boyfriend can stay over if it's an established relationship say 3 months. Definitely no picks ups allowed. Honestly with 3 of them I couldn't have random boys/men wandering in if it was a free for all.

What they do at uni is up to them.

One they have had a year at uni they feel like they have agency over what they do and unless you really have an issue with this and have asked him not to I would not get too worked up about it

I have two aged 19. It’s such a fun time when they come home after drinking, especially when, like you, I don’t drink myself.

The best thing to do is talk to them and tell them that’s not how it’s going to be. If he does that in halls, that’s up to him but he either needs to run it by you first, or go back to hers.

Seriously? You're fine with himd drinking alcohol excessively but you're questioning other people's moral standards for allowing 15 or 16 year olds to have regular partners iver? I'd say that's rather ironic.

I'm certainly not advocating letting teens have partners to stay by the way, not unless they're well known ,and established in the family and there are strict ground rules in place but I just question how it's ok for alcohol to be "the norm" given the dangers of excessive drinking. I'd say your moral compass is a little off...

Surely you just need to have a direct conversation with him about who you are and are not OK with having in your home. It sounds like you were OK with this girl as she wasn't a stranger.

Can't you just say to him that he can only bring back people you know or people he's told you about in advance?

That's a reasonable boundary for any adults living together.

I wouldn't panic as he said it's a mate so may be one of his gang who couldn't get a taxi or something. I remember my ds bringing one of the girls he hung out with home as she lived out the country..they genuinely were only mates. Actually he is going to her wedding soon, 10 years later and he didn't make a habit of it or end up going off the rails or anything.
Have a chat with him in a day or two about what your comfortable with. We only had girls sleep over when they were in a relationship..no randomness.. absolutely not!

I'd be tempted to go 'mum.2.0' on this. Completely overboard. Have a tray of breakfast ready to welcome this young lady.

All photobooks ready to go on the kitchen table for a 2 hour look through with your 'new daughter in law to be!'

Invite her for dinner!

He won't do it again.

I actually liked having random teenagers around the house after a night out! I lived in a village miles away from anywhere as a child and couldn't do any of this and I've always wanted DD to feel that she could bring friends back. I'd go down and work out from the pile of trainers in the kitchen of different sizes who might be staying. I really liked getting to know them and chatting. She's a bit older now and I miss those days some extent!

The main rule that I gave her was about not being woken up on nights when I had to do something important at work the next day so she'd go somewhere else. The fact that they all moved in a pack made me feel happier about safety as well, that she wasn't walking home alone, even though we live somewhere safe. There were a couple of years when it felt like having a baby again being woken up at random times during the night and early morning!

I don't think it's about the staying over. Plenty of people agree with you, and some don't.

But I do think you need to talk to him about this. If you aren't comfortable with it, let him know. You'll be doing him a favour by teaching him to have these kinds of conversations.

if it bothers you soeak to him, if you’ve not had the talk before then he wouldn’t know you don’t want that. If he was a total stranger I’d be miffed but if it’s someone he knows and got together with then better at your house than somewhere else?
My 18 year old hadn’t done this yet, but my 21 year old has … he also had brought back mates to sleep without asking and let them sleep in the lounge! He was told mates sleep in his room or not at all. He was also told not to bring back people he didn’t know.
He brought a girl back he was friends/ a bit more with… we were still up so chatted with her. She seemed lovely and it genuinely didn’t bother us.

It’s entirely up to you what you’re comfortable with at your own house, it’s not unreasonable to have rules. I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend sleep in my room, and my boyfriend’s parents didn’t allow it at their house either. Boyfriends and girlfriend had to sleep in a different room. My parents were not at all strict or overprotective, it was more of a respect thing especially as I had younger siblings in the house. When I was away at uni I could do as I pleased, but not at my parents house. Once I got older and moved in with my boyfriend, we were allowed to share a room.
if you’re comfortable with it, I don't see the harm. But don’t be afraid to say no if it makes you uncomfortable. :)

Out of respect, he should at least have asked you first regardless of the circumstances. If it was an emergency (such as she had no safe way home, or something had happened to scare her while they were out, he should have explained this in his message and not just told you not to come in. Different families will have different morals and standards for this sort of thing and I'm not going to judge what other people allow to happen in their home. That's up to you to discuss with him now this happened. But he should have had the discussion with you first and respected the fact that it is your home.

It's hard when they get to that age! I was going through a messy divorce as my kids got to this stage and we all discussed it and agreed non of us could bring back a random person - and if they were going to be late or stay with a friend they had to text before 10.30pm.

Talking is the best way forward. Good luck.

Yeah I wouldn’t want randoms staying. Long term girlfriend fine. Mates he’s been friends with for years also fine. But not a random girl he’s met that night. Mainly for me for security reasons. Just speak to him the following day and say while he’s home u don’t want strangers being brought back to the house (male or female) especially with a younger sibling

This is about respect - you only bring people home that you've met, if its some random girl then he sleep son the sofa and she has the bed. He isn't in his student accommodation now.

This is good advice.

I don't think I'd be as strict as some, re. People staying who you don't know, I kind of think if they're going to go somewhere so I'd probably rather it was an unknown person in my house than my kid going to an unknown persons house....

When I had girls in my room as a young teenager, during the day, my mum would randomly appear with a cup of tea for us both. That tends to keep you on your toes.

She did allow one to stay over, but we were both over 16 (and are still together over 40yrs later)