Holidays are just awful for me

[HerNameIsIRIS]

Hi,

Here to rant and not sure whether to just pull the plug on taking my two teens on holiday with me. I was on here last year complaining about the same issues and here I am again.

Just about to fly back to the UK, from Croatia, and I am feeling so down about this holiday. I had wanted to go to Plitvice Lakes and Split but got to neither as neither my 16 year old or 19 year old could het out of bed. We ended up staying in the resort. The youngest one constantly has a face that trips her and never appreciates anything. The elder one starts to have a go at me if I complain. I am on my own with them as going through a long divorce (long, loveless marriage).

I'm feeling like I am not getting anything out of working hard. I'm lonely. I don't have any family, apart from them. I have left a long, sexless and loveless marriage.

Both of them sat back and watched me do the pots in the evening (we did eat out sometimes) and make the beds etc. They walked and walked around the resort in the heat and I was tired trying to keep up with them.

It's just 💩. Really is.

Eldest has a girlfriend and I've told him to go with her, in future.

I work hard in my profession to take these kids away and give them a better lifestyle than I had (my mother never took me abroad and I was only taken to Scarborough once a year). I took them to Greece last year and Canada they year before and they were the same.

I just want to leave them and go off on my own. I'm not being unreasonable am I? I honestly feel like I'm serving a prison sentence sometimes and this is not how I planned my life to be.

I'm back at work Monday feeling down and in the blues.

Eldest still in bed as I type and we have to be out in an hour.

I'm 52.

Realistically it sounds like they don't want to be there. Stop taking them.

Go on your own or find a group to go with.

Leave them in bed and go. Or don’t take them. Pick holidays you want to do and leave them behind.

Stop taking them! Get yourself ready and leave. If the 19yo adult can’t get out in time, tough! Stop enabling them.

They are old enough to leave at home, go on your own next year. And don't feel guilty. My kids (15 & 13) are mostly good to have on holiday but we have decided on a 'grand finale' holiday when they are 18 & 16 and don't plan on taking them again (I'd rather give them the money and they go with friends)

It sounds like you just need to let them do their own thing if you want to have them on holiday with you - go and visit the things you want to visit and let them relax in bed if that’s what they want out of the holiday? Teenagers need more sleep than adults and maybe they are in massive sleep deficit from life. Go and enjoy the activities you want to (book in for day tours if you want to be in a group) and let them do what they want, meet up for dinner?

Definitely leave them, go off and have a good day!

At 16 and 19, I wouldn't be taking them next year!

Don’t take them again and tell them why. They should have compromised and been prepared to do the things you wanted to do graciously.
I have a 16 year old and he understands that. He also understands that holidays are expensive and can be difficult to afford.

They are old enough to leave by themselves in the resort. If they aren't ready to go - then just leave them. And why on earth are you making their beds????

This. It’s hard because obviously you want to do stuff together but it just isn’t working and they’re old enough to leave on their own now.

I'm just back from a holiday with an 18 and 15 yo. Just leave them to their own devices and go off and do what you want to do. If they have access to Wi-Fi, phones, food that's your job done as far as I'm concerned. Mine slept in and lounged by the pool whilst I was off at cultural sites...perfect! They were still occasionally annoying but that's teens for you. Next year team up with a friend, leave the teens at home, relax and enjoy yourself.

Mine are 17 and 20yrs.

I haven't taken them away for a couple of years because of the same thing. Even on day trips they argue and bicker so l don't bother with them now either.

I have spent the last two decades dedicating my life to them, but now it's my turn

They asked why they weren't coming away with me this year, and l told them what l would be doing (early starts for running, walking and sightseeing) and they sneered....

I'm not changing what l want to do for those who are ungrateful and rude. I spent 20yrs doing holidays and days out just for them.

It's my time now

Seriously? You're not helping yourself. You could have gone off and done ALL of those things by yourself!!!

They are old enough to leave at home. Just book yourself on suitable trips either alone or with a friend. If you are worried about leaving them for too long just go for a week at a time.
Make sure you put a lock on your bedroom door and put all your personal and valuable belongings away.
I love a guided tour and have always met friendly, like minded people. I love historical tours and had a brilliant week visiting the Loire valley recently. There are so many choices now.

I am your age and have kids the same age as yours. I just accept that on holiday they want to lie around the pool and do the activities with the entertainments team, and that I want to explore and do other things. So we have breakfast together, they do their own thing in the morning, meet for lunch, they do their own thing in the afternoon, meet for dinner and spend the evening together. It works for us.

It would have been better for you to go and do the things you wanted to do. Your kids are old enough to look after themselves for the day, and although it would be lovely if they wanted to go with you (or had the graciousness to think about what you wanted to do)...they don't.

If you let go the expectation of doing everything together you will be less irritated and frustrated, and they will probably be more civil when they aren't resisting your irritation and frustration.

Also it sounds as if you are quite isolated and relying on your teens for your social needs. Once you get the divorce sorted you will be able to focus on a social life for yourself, which will also make things easier at home.

We would of had to drag our 2 over hot coals to go on holiday at there ages
that ship has sailed your setting yourself up for a fail

leave them at home

I always had holidays just me and DD. The worst one was when she was 13-14, she was missing her friends, pretty much had to be dragged out of the bed, it was awful.
So I sat her down and we talked about it and we agreed on the following:
I do my own thing in the mornings until lunchtime, she can sleep, join me at the pool, whatever she likes, I had breakfast stuff for her in the room, she sorted herself out.
The afternoon was spent together at the beach, so from 2-6 ish.
We have dinner together, no phones, then a bit of shopping. We go back to the hotel, we watch one episode of whatever series we chose together, I go to sleep, she does her own thing.
The other rule was a trip to somewhere we’d both like. Boat trips to see dolphins, to secluded beaches, a town etc.

And that was it. It worked beautifully for us for years, still does. I got to spend time with her, and also have time for doing what I want. Didn’t have to be every minute of every day.

Your children are old now, @HerNameIsIRIS . It’s a bit like going away with a friend, you can’t make them 😂. Maybe reach a compromise?

They are of an age where you can either leave them in bed and go out alone or leave them back home and holiday alone or in a group. You can't expect them to join in if they don't want to - teens often don't put themselves out for others, or rather, for their parents.

Ours are now over 18. Eldest doesn't always join us on holidays and if she does we let her do her own thing, as she isn't into either walking or sightseeing like we are. One holiday she spent most of the time in her hotel room talking online to her bf. Youngest is keener to do things and has so far come on all our holidays, but we let her stay at the resort / hotel if she doesn't want to go out with us. Though she was about 17 before that ever happened (her choice, not ours!)

You are getting some frustrated responses, but after a long loveless marriage and now going through divorce, I can see why you'd need human connection and want to spend time with your children. Unfortunately it has come at the age where naturally a lot of teenagers don't want anything to do with their parents! You have done nothing wrong, this is normal development wise.
It is okay for you to go off and do your own thing now - they are grown up! Give yourself permission to start again, and build your own life, your own connections. You have been given a fresh start, and while it's hard - and it will be lonely at times, this is the beginning of a new chapter for you. Say to yourself that you will book yourself a trip - even if that's just a train ride to somewhere local one weekend that's nice to explore, spend a day at leisure, meeting your own wants and noone else's. Wishing you the absolute best.

I have a 5 yo and 12 week old and holidays with the 5yo so far has been a shit show and the 12 week old isn't giving me any hope for our August holiday. Would love to just leave them and do my own thing especially at the age of 16 and 19, I wouldn't bend over backwards for them when they turn that age. Like you say, you've given them your 20 years doing their thing and now it's your turn to enjoy. I wouldn't even take a friend as I would just want silence and not be a mum or wife or a friend, just silence with myself.

Stopped taking my teens in 2022, when all they did was fight and argue with each other, totally ruined the holiday. We went on our own this year, total bliss, no miserable arguing teenagers 😂

Its clearly making you all feel miserable these holidays, your teens don't appreciate it and probably won't until they are older and have a family themselves

You need to definitely go on your own, there are even holidays that cater for singles if you fancied meeting other people in the same boat. Or just think sod it and go away by yourself take some good books along. Leave them to their own devices they are older now.

You took them last year and the same happened. You took them this year hoping they had changed and that they would accompany you on day trips and that hadn’t happened and you are rightly disappointed but probably not that surprised.m
Now it changes. When you get home start planning your next trip. If you’ve not left them before at home then why not do a long weekend first. Write yourself a list of places you want to.
Your teens sound quite lazy to me and it seems as though they have seen your ex treat you badly and they have learnt from that.

It's the worst of ages to take on holiday. We stopped taking our teenager abroad at the age of 15, when we saw all the signs of her not wanting to be there with us. You absolutely can't force closeness at that age - they begin to separate themselves from you and then reconnect as adults in their mid-twenties. The transition to that stage is very painful as a mum, but I'm sure you will come out the other side!!!

I would make this the last holiday with them - do your own thing in future and leave them at home.