Holidays are just awful for me

[HerNameIsIRIS]

Hi,

Here to rant and not sure whether to just pull the plug on taking my two teens on holiday with me. I was on here last year complaining about the same issues and here I am again.

Just about to fly back to the UK, from Croatia, and I am feeling so down about this holiday. I had wanted to go to Plitvice Lakes and Split but got to neither as neither my 16 year old or 19 year old could het out of bed. We ended up staying in the resort. The youngest one constantly has a face that trips her and never appreciates anything. The elder one starts to have a go at me if I complain. I am on my own with them as going through a long divorce (long, loveless marriage).

I'm feeling like I am not getting anything out of working hard. I'm lonely. I don't have any family, apart from them. I have left a long, sexless and loveless marriage.

Both of them sat back and watched me do the pots in the evening (we did eat out sometimes) and make the beds etc. They walked and walked around the resort in the heat and I was tired trying to keep up with them.

It's just 💩. Really is.

Eldest has a girlfriend and I've told him to go with her, in future.

I work hard in my profession to take these kids away and give them a better lifestyle than I had (my mother never took me abroad and I was only taken to Scarborough once a year). I took them to Greece last year and Canada they year before and they were the same.

I just want to leave them and go off on my own. I'm not being unreasonable am I? I honestly feel like I'm serving a prison sentence sometimes and this is not how I planned my life to be.

I'm back at work Monday feeling down and in the blues.

Eldest still in bed as I type and we have to be out in an hour.

I find it's never really a proper holiday if you go self catering and do cooking while away. We do it all year round so holidays should be a break from all of it. I'm aware people are happy to do this but it doesn't work for us.

I'd have done the trips I wanted to and left them to do their own thing. Next year give them the option to come or leave them at home. Equally if they choose to come and want to lounge about or walk around all day, let them. I was raised in a family where we all picked one thing each we wanted to do which everyone did then the rest of the time was our own.

I know plenty of people will disagree with me but holidays should suit everyone and if they don't then make changes or stop them. Even going half board makes a difference and the price between half board and self catering can be minimal or even bed and breakfast.

We are going AI to Gran Canaria for 14 nights in August and we've paid £2900. 5 star hotel. We booked it this time last year and took advantage of sales through the year to cancel and rebook to get the price we did. Self catering option at the hotel was £2600. We are 2 adults and 17 year old.

We stopped taking our two at 16 & 14. It was lovely to go on holiday again with just the two of us again!

Reading this I'm starting to wonder if my brother and I were strange teens. It didn't occur to either of us to not go on holiday with our parents. We just went, did all the planned activities and enjoyed spending time as a family.

The only time I remember my brother not joining in was when we were in Hawaii and he didn't want to go to Pearl Harbour (he has a boat phobia) so he stayed in the apartment.

I think I was around 24 on our last family holiday.

Brother and I take our families away together now 🥰

At that age you just aren’t really arsed about family holidays. Time to let them do their own thing- they will come back around when they’re about 25/26. It’s not you, it’s a perfectly normal developmental stage to want to do your own thing in teen/ young 20s years.

Why not take a solo trip? Why not go with a friend or with a singles travel company? You’d have much more fun!

oh dear, that's disappointing.
Realistically? don't do the pots. Don't do anything for them while on holiday. And if they're in a resort, go out and do day trips yourself (next time, if there is a next time)

Otherwise, wait until they have left home then do the holidays you have always wanted.

Stop pandering to them. You are making this situation. Your eldest is an adult and the youngest is a step away from adulthood. Why are you running after them ? You need to say enough and make them grow up but you also need to say enough to yourself and let them grow up.
Make time for yourself and join some groups in the evening to widen your social circle.

As a fellow parent of grumpy, ungrateful teens who won't get out of bed - you have my sympathy. You tried, which is all any of us can do. You've saved up and taken them somewhere lovely and they haven't appreciated it one bit, so no, YANBU to never do this again. The good news is that at 19 and 16 you never have to.

It feels though like your post and the message behind it is as much about the rest of your life though as it is about this disaster of a holiday. You've endured a long, loveless marriage and you feel lonely and unappreciated by your DC. It's time to start making some changes. So as well as telling the pair of ingrates you took to Croatia that this was your last holiday with them, may I suggest that instead of wasting more money taking them on holiday you spend a bit of it on a good therapist, who can help you to work through the real issues in your life and guide you in moving on with your life? This is your time now - your kids are grown or almost grown - and it's time to focus on yourself, what you want and need from life and how to go about changing things so that you don't feel like this any more - lonely and unappreciated and fed up?

OP, we teach people how to treat us.
Your children are spoiled and self absorbed like some teens are.

The things is you really don't have to tolerate this.
You are allowing this.
The holiday is ruined and over, but going forward things can be different.
Stop doing as much as you can.
Stop lifts.
Stop giving them money unless they are helping out.
Do you put yourself out a lot for them? Stop it.

I wouldn't dream of paying for another holiday again.
Perhaps a two night weekend if things improve but certainly not abroad.
Only you can change things.
When my teens were giving me too much guff and were too lazy a few years ago, I downed tools.
No junk food or treats whatsoever were bought...halved my bill!
I stopped any lifts, including school...get the bus.

I called them to hang out, sort out laundry EVERY single time.
Anything they asked of me I immediately said NO.
I am a yes parent so this was particularly shocking.
I can tell you things changed.
Consideration returned!
They started to engage and chat more in reaction to be no longer seeking them out to chat.
I remained pleasant of course but just was no longer compliant/ accommodating ....interested in making their lives super easy.
It worked very well.
They weren't long getting in line, out of self interest.😁

You sound very ground down and you really need to take very seriously looking after yourself.
You are playing roulette with your mental health.
I would look at spending money on some counselling.
You could well be menopausal so consider taking a B-complex supplement to support your nervous system and Ashwagandha supplement which is fantastic to help perk you up. Starflower capsules are fantastic for balancing out your hormones too. The above made a massive difference to my life at your age.
Wishing you well.

If they were reasonable, helpful teens I would holiday together and leave them to laze around in the resort and do day trips on my own/with a group.
As they appear to be selfish, lazy teens, I would leave them at home and save my money. Then I would use the money saved to pay someone to do a deep clean on my return.

Stop trying to force them into doing something they don't want to do.

Go solo, either a whole holiday without them or just days where you do your thing.

It really isn't that scary.

You need to be kind to yourself OP. It sounds as if you have been taken for granted and mistreated for so long, you have lost your sense of your own self worth. You deserve better.

I've got a lovely husband but he's much slower than me in the morning, so I take myself off for a couple of hours when we're on a city break, nice early starts and watch the city come to life, explore on my own then back to the hotel to take him to breakfast at the fab cafe I've discovered on my walk.

Same would work for teens, or if they are completely dull boring and annoying, leave them to their own devices all day or better still leave them at home.

don't martyr yourself for anyone.

I think I remember your post from last year. Take yourself off and do what you want to do. Don't take them away again!

They're being teenagers, leave them to it.

I've got 13yo twins and we are going away in a couple of weeks. I'm resigned to it being the last holiday like this that we do. I saw so many families last year with grumpy teens that it just looked like a waste of money!

One of them is an adult! Why don't you all ask each other what you want to do and then do it! You can go sightseeing and then to the pool. The teens can sleep in and meet you at the pool. Whatever makes you happy! As for doing chores for them errrr NO.

Definitely go on your own or with a friend next time and actually have fun. 16 year old can stay at dads, and older one is old enough to stay home alone. Although I do question why you didn’t just leave them at the resort and go off on your own to attraction sites.

I'm in Crete with a ten year old and a thirteen year old and I feel the same as you OP. It's very hard work and feels like such a waste of money as well.

Did they have any input into the holiday? Is it somewhere they wanted to go or was it just presented as a done deal. I seem to remember from your Canada thread that was one of your dream trips.

I remember holidays in my teenage years being “taken” to self catering villas in areas I had little interest in, no WiFi or facilities, because it was where my parents wanted to go and to be honest it was utterly crap and I’d rather have been at home with my friends. I was quite moody and spent most of my time in my bedroom reading as I was frankly having a crap time, this led to constantly being bollocked for not being “grateful” for being taken somewhere I never wanted to go. It really pissed me off to be honest and made me resent my parents. Just because it’s what you enjoy, doesn’t mean your teenagers will enjoy the same things.

I’d have bloody loved an all inclusive or a cruise at that age and I bet I’d have been a lot more fun to holiday with.

I think you either need to allow them to have significant input in where they want to go or leave them behind and do your dream trips. You are trying to force a square peg into a round hole and it’s resulting in sour relations.

@YaWeeFurryBastard

you weren’t paying for it though! When you’re paying for a holiday surely that’s when you get a say. You should have been grateful for your villa - I was taken to a caravan in Skegness every year! I would have LOVED to have gone abroad.

I’d have bloody loved an all inclusive or a cruise at that age and I bet I’d have been a lot more fun to holiday with.

My kids had a lot of input when they were teenagers, but...your parents paid for it and you sound like a brat tbh.

I wasn’t grateful though, I was having a miserable time and I would have much rather have been at home. That’s how teenagers think! And telling them to be grateful for something they didn’t want or ask for just makes things worse.

I want everyone in my family to have a nice time, not just me because I’m paying!

And also, we have travelled A LOT all over the world as a family. Sometimes my then teenagers were sceptic and sometimes hesitant in even wanting to come. But some places they tought they would hate, they just absolutely loved! I knew they would. And now as young adults they go to those places with friends or even on their own. Because we introduced the culture/country to them.

I wouldn’t have told my teenagers they were ungrateful, no. I would have told them to do what they want but stop ruining our holiday with sour faces.

I remember going skiing to Switzerland I think it was with my parents, and one day they took us to have a look a monastery with nuns. You had to be quiet. And we had cheese fondue whilst being quiet. I’ll never forget the look on my little sisters face. It’s all I can remember about that trip! 😂

No wifi back then to miss, thank god.

Our last family holiday was with 16 and 18 year olds.They went to bed at 3 am and got up at 3 pm, graciously joining us for a free dinner. We didn’t do it the next year. I’ve since been on many weekends with post uni DD and go away for villa holidays with now adult dcs, their partners and children. They’ll become pleasant humans again in their twenties.

They're old enough to be left in the resort to do their own thing while you go and do what you want, or even to be left at home if they don't want to come.

I've got a 16yo and she still enjoys family hols, but getting her out of bed before 11 is just an absolute no. So I just leave her to it and meet her for lunch, then decide if we're doing something together in the afternoon or if she's going to go and languish by the pool while I do something else.

Just loosen the reins a bit and stop hobbling yourself for their sake, they'd have been fine left at the resort while you went to the places you wanted to see!