Move from boys grammar to mixed comp??

[HalleyH]

Apologies in advance for what I’m sure will be a long post - I’m trying to sort things in my own mind and would appreciate knowing your thoughts too…

My son is in year 8 and is one of the older ones in the year. He is at a selective all boys grammar school - he is doing really well academically but has never really settled and hasn’t made any friends. He find the alpha male/footbally boys environment hard.

Is is very creative and quirky and doesn’t seem to fit the traditional mainstream grammar mould. He has been struggling a lot with his mental health in terms of anxiety and depression - often finding it hard/impossible to be at school. We are also currently looking at an autism diagnosis.

Outside of school it feels as though he can be his true self and has a large group of friends out of school - a mixture of both sexes, but most of them older than him.

His group of older friends are also equally quirky and creative and all go to the local mixed comprehensive.

After being on the waiting list for a year a space has finally come up at the mixed comprehensive - we are unsure what to do…

He is achieving great grades at his current grammar but is ultimately unhappy. But will it be better in Year 9 when he starts his GCSEs and is in smaller classes? Will he push himself at the mixed comprehensive? I’m worried that he’ll still not fit in as he’ll be academically ahead. And the friends he has at the school are all in older year groups. But we don’t know until we try… but if we try and move schools then we can’t move back again…

I feel so torn as to what is best… I need a crystal ball!

It’s better to move after GCSE when he’s looking for A Levels. In the meantime step up extracurricular activities outside of school and talk to the school’s pastoral care team for advice

That's hard, but if he isn't happy where he is and has been there for a number of years I suspect that won't change.

Personally I'd move him. He could always be tutored if you are worried about his grades being affected.

What does he want to do though?

Is it actually a comprehensive or is it a secondary modern with the brighter kids creamed off into the grammar system?

If it is genuinely comprehensive, I wouldn't worry about the academic side of things, as there will be plenty of very academic kids who are doing very well. If it's a secondary modern, then that would be more of a concern.

On balance, I would prioritise my dc's happiness and mental health every day of the week. I firmly believe that a bright child can excel in any environment if they're motivated to do so.

I hope that things pick up for him soon.

Thank you for your reply - we’ve already said that he can move for the 6th form so it’s only 3 years to get through. But 3 years when you hate your current school is a long time. Yes, looking into extra activities is a good idea. The school pastoral team are being very helpful at the moment but ultimately he doesn’t want to be there…

How big is the mixed comprehensive compared to the grammar school?
Does the grammar school do the more creative GCSEs if that’s where his interests lie?
I would put his mental health first and move him
tbh. Kids in comprehensive schools do get top grades and go to top unis and a social life makes school much easier to deal with.

He’s been there 2 years so definitely given it a far chance

Sorry for the confusion - it would be a secondary modern as we’re in an 11+ area with those who passed going to a grammar school.

The mixed school is a lot smaller which I think would help. Both schools do much the same GCSE options.
i think you’re right about the social aspect

Can you arrange for him to go for a few taster days in the next week or two to see how he finds it, before you make a decision?

Hmm. That makes the decision a bit harder, then. What does your ds want to do?

Don't assume that there will be no kids at the mixed comp smarter than the kids at the grammar. My son was at a selective grammar and absolutely miserable. He moved to a mixed comp and loved it and was surprised how much smarter they were, they just didn't choose the grammar route. In fact, some have gone to Cambridge this year whereas none in his year at the grammar got in!

Not sure but I can ask.
The only knowledge we/he has of the school is looking round at an open evening in Y6 and the word of mouth from his older friends. There does seem to be a real mixture of backgrounds and abilities but I’m not sure if that’s just me being snobby

It isn't actually a comp though?

I absolutely agree that there are lots of very academic kids in comprehensive schools who do every bit as well as kids in selective schools - I was one of those kids myself and my dd was as well. But if the OP lives in an area like Kent, where the selective schools cream off the vast majority of the brighter children, I do think it would be more of a concern.

One of the many reasons why I'm fundamentally opposed to selective education tbh, but that's a separate thread.

He wanted to move so we put him on the waiting list at Christmas. He was no.5 on the waiting list so we had to manage expectations and tell him it might not happen.
We’ve not yet told him that a space has come up as we’re (my husband and I) trying to decide what we think is best first

We don't have that here, never heard of it to be honest, but we are quite rural and very north.

Send him to the mixed comp and give him a chance to be happy. 3 more years of being miserable with no friends at school is a long time in the eyes of a child.

FWIW, I grew up in a grammar school area, sat the 11+ and was accepted into the local grammar, but didn't want to leave my friends, so my parents allowed me to go to the local comp instead. I came away with 11 GCSEs all at grade A-A* and 3 As at A-level. If he's academic, he'll still have the opportunity to do well.

We live in an 11+ area so those that pass go to grammar school.

it would be a much easier decision without the selective nature of the schools in our area

I think you’re right, but then I argue with myself and wonder if we just need to give it 1 more term? In September he’ll be in Y9 and they start their GCSE options (a year earlier than most schools) - the options he’s chosen have quite small class sizes so I’m hoping he’ll find his ‘tribe’ there in the more creative subjects

If you gave it one more term then you’d lose your space at the comprehensive where they might do different exam boards and not allow his choices because they are already full.

It’s a difficult decision with pros and cons on both sides.

If he asks you if a space came up would you lie? Why put your name down if it wasn't an option?

What would he say if you said oh a space came up but we decided it wasn't the best thing for you?

Potentially with exam board it's now or never - if it's taken a year for this space to come up it could be another year and by then you could be too late for gcse boards.

What dies he want to do? I think at this age he deserves a say.

For what it's worth, I was desperately unhappy at secondary school in the first couple of years. My parents agreed that I could move and having that option somehow made it much more bearable.

Move him. If he's bright he'll do fine in his GCSEs.

(Not that I think GCSEs matter especially, having seen colleagues thrive without great qualifications, and the reverse - but I understand as a parent you want your child to have opportunities). Finding your tribe is so important at his age.

If we have it another term, yes we’d lose our place at the other school but could stay on the waiting list in Y9 (I know no guarantee of places) - my sons current school do a 3 year GCSE course in Ys9/10/11, whereas the other school do the traditional 2 year course so it wouldn’t affect his options if we waited a bit.

yes lots of pros and cons and I’m just going round in circles arguing them in my head!

We’ve not yet asked him - just trying to sort it out in my head first.
I ‘think’ he’d be happier as he’d be more in control of the decision to move, but I’m just worried that things won’t improve in terms of the care his current pastoral team are giving him and how well he’s doing academically. He gets annoyed if other students don’t listen and behave and I think that behaviour will be even more of an issue in an upper school.

He knows he’s on the waiting list as we thought it was the best option earlier in the year when we were trying to weigh up the options. He doesn’t yet know a place has been offered.

If we decided against taking the space I don’t think we could ever tell him that it came up. (Which sounds awful written down - hence why I’m trying to make my own mind up before we discuss it with him)

In terms of exam boards we could wait - his current school does a 3 year GCSE course but the new school it’s just 2 years so he wouldn’t be choosing his options till next Spring.