Another mum in despair - 18 year old son doing NOTHING!

[lechatnoir]

18 year old son recently finished his A levels but has already spent the past 6 weeks living the life of riley and I've had enough! Since going on study leave he's been having long lie-ins, getting up at lunchtime and creating vast meals before going to the gym, meeting up with his mates and before exams finished, doing an hour or 2 revision some days but very little else. He has a PT job just on a Saturday morning & a busy social life so often out & about.

His plan was work through summer and save for travelling in November which we were happy with and hoped might help him mature a bit but he's making no signs of even applying let alone starting a job. I work from home & I'm not sure how I'll cope until then with him here all the time doing nothing 😭.

I see people saying 'well I wouldn't stand for it' or 'I'd make them do x,y,z' but seriously how do you physically get a grown man who is angry & entitled to do anything? Any attempts to discuss result in a row but no action. DH ready to kick him out after a particularly unpleasant tirade last week but I'm reigning him in and desperately hoping DS will get a job and things might improve.

Am I being too harsh as he's just finished exams let him do nothing for the summer? Any thoughts as I feel all I do in nag him right now and it's not nice for either of us.

Having looked on the teenage board, disengaged 18 year old boys seems to be an alarmingly common theme so hoping some of you can relate or even advise.

18 year old boys are full of testosterone but their frontal lobe might still be flapping so lack organisation and long term planning skills.

Tell him if he doesn’t start behaving like the grown man he now is, and hasn’t got a plan and his own money, his friends will think he’s wet and race ahead of him. He will care more about his friends and their opinions than you.
Tell him you and your DH will always be there to support his choices but you’re concerned that he isn’t taking himself serious (use those words) and he needs to show maturity.

He has now left school and I think 4-6 weeks is long enough to recover from that so give him a date where you will put him on rent, stop doing anything for him at all. No washing, cooking, shopping, etc. and immediately stop giving him any money.

When you say he's doing nothing? What do you mean? He isn't working? He doesn't help around the house? He isn't going out?

You say he does nothing, but then list a part time job, going to the gym and a busy social life....which isn't nothing.

How is he funding the gym and his busy social life?

If he’s not studying, he doesn’t need phones or computers or gaming stations in his bedroom for a start. If you get rid of those, he will be forced to interact.

Have you got any actual experience of teenage adults living at home?

Lmaoooo you have NO idea

He’s just finished his A levels. What are you expecting? Job as CEO next day? He seems to be doing a lot.

Leave him alone. He sounds like he’s doing stuff.

It sounds like he's being a typical teenager - kicking back after his exams, going out with his mates, keeping fit, working p/t and irritating his parents. I remember doing the same, but I turned out OK! My elder 2 did the same, they've also turned out OK. Our youngest is currently doing the same and I trust he'll also turn out OK.

What would you like him to do that he's not doing?

Surely he's only literally just finished A levels? So I wouldn't panic just yet, I think it's reasonable to allow a little lazy time, I remember slobbing out that summer, I think I even quit my job early to enjoy the summer (but was going to uni and nothing to save for specifically).

Is he otherwise motivated? Did he revise? Do you think he'll do well and deserve a short break?

Can you sit down and discuss what his plan is, what he intends to apply for and when? Perhaps mutually agree a date he has to pull his finger out by? Can you lay down some expectations on him chipping in at home if he isn't planning on leaving in November?

His job pays for gym & phone and at 18 I don't really feel confiscating gadgets is appropriate (not that it ever made a jot of difference when he was younger!). When I say doing nothing, I literally mean nothing that isn't for his own benefit - no family dog walks (or even helping me out dog walks!) won't watch a film with us or come on a meal out which I accepted as part of being a sulky teen but now even basic chores and making a meal only happens with a major row.

My ds did nothing after his A levels. I didn’t expect him to. Theyre so stressful.

He’s a fully functioning lovely member of society now. Own house, job, tidy, cooks.

Sounds pretty normal to me, id let him have some time off and to socialise before breathing down his neck about full time work straight after A levels....arguments and threats of being kicked out is beyond unreasonable, hes only 18 fgs 🤦‍♀️

Why would you expect him to go in a family dog walk or watch a family film?

I clicked on this thinking you actually meant nothing - that sounds like loads for someone just finished exams!
My only concern would be a lack of plan for the autumn, I might want something firmer on the travelling in November.
Has he any longer term plans - uni, job, etc?

Expecting an 18yr old to go on family walks and meals is laughable 😂

So he's just done his a-levels which are fairly full on, hangs round with mates, has a job, goes to the gym which he pays for from his job. What exactly doesn't he do. Apart from family film nights?

Compared to some of these threads on a similar subject where the teenage ds exiats 24/7 in a squalid bedroom I'm really not seeing it as that bad

OK so I think perhaps I'm expecting too much too soon. I've struggled to watch him do so little for his exams and that's probably not helping but in truth, not his fault I'm at home all day and if he passes his exams then fair play!

Maybe some middle ground is needed - lay off on the job/getting up early for a bit as he has just finished his school forever but give him some non negotiable chores that he fits around his day so I'm not so resentful running around cooking, cleaning. dog walking, doing the washing & trying to work when he's right there in bed. It's also good to hear other teenagers did this and came out the other side 😊

I can’t recall wanting to spend any time with my family when I was 18 - my friends and boyfriend yes, but my mum and dad?! Hell no.

I think agreeing basic chores inc walking the dog is reasonable but otherwise leave him be for just now.

Maybe if you started treating him like an adult he will start acting like one?

What is he doing next?
After A-levels?

I would expect him to help out around the house and to start working and paying rent if not of to futher education.

Doing nothing is not an option.

Yes, you are being too harsh. He's just finished a very stressful period in his life and he needs to kick back a little and decide what he wants to do.

30 years ago, I did the grand sum of fuck all between finishing my A-levels and starting uni, and I think I turned out fine.

Your DH (not his Dad?) needs to give his head a wobble. Chucking an 18 year old kid out onto the street for giving him a bit of lip, FFS. No wonder he doesn't want to socialise and play happy families with you two.

This sounds like my summer after A-levels. Literally spent it working a couple of part-time summer jobs, going to the gym, and mooching about with my friends. He's working and going to the gym and getting out and about, it sounds like enough to me? I wouldn't let him make a mess in the house, or not clean up after himself, but I'd let him get on with it.

My "D"M dragged me to a family wedding abroad instead of going to Morocco and Benecassim with my friends that summer and I'm still a bit salty about it. Espcially because the marriage didn't last.

I found that with mine at that age questions about what was happening about getting a job were usually met with a shrug and an "I've looked but there isn't anything"! I easily resolved that by finding vacancies, forwarding them and telling them to apply now!
I would also allocate him one or two chores which are non negotiable!

But this is part of being a teen. They don’t notice you ‘scurrying’ round so everything.

Why would you resent your own son who’s got a part time job and just finished his A levels? I’d be looking after mine. And he turned out fine

Your expectations are ridiculous. Dog walks and family films. His job as a functioning person is to grow and disconnect from his family not to enmesh further.

Threatening to kick him out is ridiculous. He’s doing fine. Let him chill. I’m not suprised he’s argumentative. Leave him alone.

He's being 18! Leave him be. I'm pretty sure my mum would say I did nothing in the summer after A levels, and admittedly maybe not in the house but I had the best summer with friends before we all went separate ways to Uni.

Hmmm A levels have only just finished havent they? This seems a tad harsh. My eldest is just finishing first year of uni where he also worked part time. Last summer he did absolutely eff all all summer apart from sleep, eat, go on holiday and play golf (in his defence, somehwat, his part time job is seasonal and doesnt really have many events in the summer).

He did know he was going to uni in the September I suppose. Does yours have plans for next year?