Another mum in despair - 18 year old son doing NOTHING!

[lechatnoir]

18 year old son recently finished his A levels but has already spent the past 6 weeks living the life of riley and I've had enough! Since going on study leave he's been having long lie-ins, getting up at lunchtime and creating vast meals before going to the gym, meeting up with his mates and before exams finished, doing an hour or 2 revision some days but very little else. He has a PT job just on a Saturday morning & a busy social life so often out & about.

His plan was work through summer and save for travelling in November which we were happy with and hoped might help him mature a bit but he's making no signs of even applying let alone starting a job. I work from home & I'm not sure how I'll cope until then with him here all the time doing nothing 😭.

I see people saying 'well I wouldn't stand for it' or 'I'd make them do x,y,z' but seriously how do you physically get a grown man who is angry & entitled to do anything? Any attempts to discuss result in a row but no action. DH ready to kick him out after a particularly unpleasant tirade last week but I'm reigning him in and desperately hoping DS will get a job and things might improve.

Am I being too harsh as he's just finished exams let him do nothing for the summer? Any thoughts as I feel all I do in nag him right now and it's not nice for either of us.

Having looked on the teenage board, disengaged 18 year old boys seems to be an alarmingly common theme so hoping some of you can relate or even advise.

He can't have finished six week ago surely - that would mean he finished at the end of April - most haven't even started then

It doesn't sound like he's doing anything out of the ordinary for a teen who's finished school in the holidays.
Tell him if he wants to cook vast meals he's buying and paying for all his own food, and of course cleaning up and buying kitchen cleaning products. Could he take more hours in his PT job? I wouldn't be that worried other than wanting him out of the house, which he seems capable of if he goes gym, and has friends.
Remind him if he wants to go travelling he needs to knuckle down as you can't afford to pay for him to go, or to have him eat you out of house and home!

All the PP saying he’s just worked for his A-levels/lay off, it doesn’t sound like he actually did work really hard, so OP I get why you’re annoyed. It sounds like it wasn’t this epic slog, so the associated down time now is grating when you’re rushing around doing everything. If you can possibly manage it, and it is hard, I think it’s about natural consequences. ‘Oh real shame about travelling isn’t it- what with you having no £’s 🤷‍♀️’.

The get up and go they suddenly find when they really, really want something is impressive and it’ll kick in eventually.

They are still getting child benefit for him. This is to help pay for the ‘vast meals’

I just left my teenage DC to chill after his A levels.

He never had a job either as he was only 18 in late August after his A levels and every job he applied for said they wanted an 18 year old and as he was going to Uni they didn’t want to train him for 6 weeks.

We did spend the summer teaching him to cook as he is very food orientated and one of his biggest worries about Uni was his food!

What are your DS’s future plans?

Yet at that age back in ancient times they were build and being part of society and do the best they could for the kingdoms they were apart of,

He sounds quite active and busy to me! I thought you were going to say he was cooped up in his room 24/7 gaming and/or smoking weed. It's only the start of June - my own 18 year old has another fortnight of A-level exams to go. Plenty of time left to work, save and travel. Leaving school is a huge transition, so personally I'd cut him some slack.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow if I know teen boys with gym habits, the whole week's worth would be eaten in one day!

Tbh having an angry, aggressive, entitled son thinking it acceptable to "tirade" at me or any member of the family would cause me far more concern than him being lazy and liking lie ins and lazing about.

One I can put down to him being a typical teenager, the other I would attribute to him being an asshole.

I have 2 sons, 17 and 19 and neither of them would dare or dream to speak or behave that way towards me.

Exams are exhausting so I think it's natural for him to be relaxing for the summer. However, I would want to have a chat about future plans - is the travelling going ahead etc. If not, what will he do instead? Or maybe it will have to be postponed a few months for him to save? I think having a conversation about that is more than reasonable if he's going to living with you.

I think it's quite normal behaviour but I do know of young people who ended up never doing anything after school, although it doesn't sound as though your son is like that given he appears to be quite sociable.

But his parents are being unreasonable.

l bet if they got off his back a bit he wouldn’t behave as he did.

I think having some time off after exams is fine. Is it possible for him to do more hours at the job he already has so he can save up for travelling or will he need to find something else? I'd be encouraging him much more and nagging and berating him much less. Have a positive attitude towards him and he's likely to take it all a lot better and be more motivated than by moaning and nagging. Talk to him about where he wants to go, how much he wants to save, how he could do it etc.

DS is also 18 and going in with a supportive, encouraging, positive attitude always gets a better response from him.

I let DD2 do this until September last year. She wasn't going to uni and had no fixed plan if what she was going to do.My reasoning was,her sister had the long summer off prior to starting uni,so it seemed unfair to tell DD2 that she couldn't do the same thing.
She worked her usual weekend job, did some work experience in an industry that she was interested in ( although I had to instigate that). Then,in the autumn,started an apprenticeship with the company that employed her at weekends. She's enjoying that and works incredibly hard. I don't regret letting her have a bit freedom, you are at work for a long time.

I don't know any DC who have finished their A-levels yet? My DS has some friends that finish next week but he doesn't finish until the 20th.
I must admit that I will expect DS to work more hours and also do more stuff around the house after he finishes. He does have a few holidays planned too! There will still be plenty of time for relaxing.

I think I was either sleeping (it was decades ago and I still remember the exhaustion after exams) or out getting hammered after my a-levels. I’m quite a strict parent but I would let this go. He has a part time job, he has a uni place. Stop doing his laundry etc for him and let him crack on for a bit and then point out if he ‘s going travelling he better get the cash together. I know it must have been frustrating watching him not make a massive effort for his exams but you can’t control that.

I think by their teens nature sets up parental-child conflict to encourage everyone apart for a bit. He’ll be off travelling soon so I would let it go (except that gentle nudge about getting some work in).

If he's not taking part in family life or doing chores, have you withdrawn any of your services such as laundry/cooking for him?

I would let him have a couple more weeks to chill after his exams but then make it clear you expect him to get a summer job, if you don't give him pocket money then he'll either have to get a job or not be able to do things with his friends.
When I was that age and finished exams I was also expected to do housework, and cook dinner some nights etc. One summer I even gave the spare bedroom a coat of paint for extra pocket money!

I think a staged approach is best. I think 3-4 weeks totally "off" with no responsibilities. He may need time to decompress. Then I'd expect him to take on a number of agreed chores over the summer and look/be working towards/applying for a full time job for September.

I would sit him down and explain this. Acknowledge the need to unwind after A levels but actually book a date in with him. "On X date, we need to have a chat about how you can contribute practically to the running of the household now you are an adult." You can also sound him out then on what his plans are for looking for work and explain your view that he should be looking for/applying for a full time job to start in September at the latest.

I think you're being too harsh. It sounds like you want him to finish his exams and then immediately start working full-time. Would you have wanted that for yourself? Why do you not want to allow him any 'rest'? Is it because you never had any rest? So you want to treat him how you were treated?

My 18 year old has finished his A Levels and lots of his friends have too

@Iamblossom what subjects are they taking out of interest?

Sounds like a battle ground has been created. I speak from experience 😂 . Try resetting reframing what and how you ask, rather than lecturing. Perhaps lighten the requests a bit? Expectation is that he does one thing a day to contribute. Oh grumpyteen I'm just going on a work call before you go the gym pop the washing out, thanks ....

Sounds like he's doing plenty. I wouldn't expect much interaction with the family at this age, their world is their peers for the most part. My teens will join in family activities if it involves food, but otherwise they're off doing their own thing.
Nearly 18yo gets up at lunchtime on days he doesn't have exams or work. That's fine.
They all do their allocated daily chore still and if asked will do whatever I request (run the hoover round, take a bin out) but I don't ask a lot of them.

Don't do his washing

He sounds like a typical 18 year old! My ds is a little older and I found with a little guidance they find their feet.
He has a job, plans for the future. Let him have a break. He will grow up and leave home soon enough.