Another mum in despair - 18 year old son doing NOTHING!

[lechatnoir]

18 year old son recently finished his A levels but has already spent the past 6 weeks living the life of riley and I've had enough! Since going on study leave he's been having long lie-ins, getting up at lunchtime and creating vast meals before going to the gym, meeting up with his mates and before exams finished, doing an hour or 2 revision some days but very little else. He has a PT job just on a Saturday morning & a busy social life so often out & about.

His plan was work through summer and save for travelling in November which we were happy with and hoped might help him mature a bit but he's making no signs of even applying let alone starting a job. I work from home & I'm not sure how I'll cope until then with him here all the time doing nothing 😭.

I see people saying 'well I wouldn't stand for it' or 'I'd make them do x,y,z' but seriously how do you physically get a grown man who is angry & entitled to do anything? Any attempts to discuss result in a row but no action. DH ready to kick him out after a particularly unpleasant tirade last week but I'm reigning him in and desperately hoping DS will get a job and things might improve.

Am I being too harsh as he's just finished exams let him do nothing for the summer? Any thoughts as I feel all I do in nag him right now and it's not nice for either of us.

Having looked on the teenage board, disengaged 18 year old boys seems to be an alarmingly common theme so hoping some of you can relate or even advise.

You stop the phone and gym, no snacks available just three basic meals and stop engaging in nice chat. Presumably the phone connects to the WiFi for job hunting?
Book a holiday yourselves, start planning nice weekends just the two of you. Make it clear that if you aren't contributing you can't have the things you want

Cut the WiFi and remove the phone. He can borrow yours to complete job apps. Take his bedroom door off the hinges. Provide bare-bones food.

Make it uncomfortable for him.

How were his results? Does he plan on university next year? My approach would depend entirely on whether he's home for a year or it's looking like a longer prospect with no plans for future.

No phone no gym.

He can borrow yours to apply for jobs as pp said.

Dont cook or clean for him if you do.

If he still doesn’t get a job he is out.

@NoKnickerElastic he didn't do as well as he'd hoped but tell us he still got a place and has deferred but he's not sure if he still wants to go/do that course so this could be it! (we're not convinced he's got a place let alone requested and been granted a deferral but haven't voiced this as it's all a bit irrelevant until next year & our relationship isn't that great anyway!)

Agree with pp's. Cancel the gym DD (or stop giving him money for it) and the same with the phone. Zero money, zero lifts. Zero wifi for any other devices like xbox etc. He gets food and board and that's it, and tell him that.

Do you have anything else he can use for job hunting?

If possible I'd buy a laptop and keep it in a communal area - so he can job hunt.

It’s many moons ago but when I left school I was told to sign on . Would this be a way of forcing his hand to look for work . Apologies if I’m out of date I’ve not signed on for 30 years

Good idea @Asleeponthejob I would get him to sign on. At least then there will be some motivation and accountability for him looking for work. I wouldn't take his door off the hinges or stop his gym membership (as long as you can afford it). I might stop paying for a phone contract, surely he can do pay as you go out of any wages and just use wifi most of the time?

No advice but I feel your pain.
We had our DS mostly in his room for almost a year post uni before something came up for him. Similar story, sat in his bed all day, didn't help out with cooking /cleaning without a fight. He was applying for things on and off but it's a really tough world out there and if you're not properly engaged in the process, making every application count it will take a while. I think depression started to be an issue tbh. He wouldn't consider volunteering (despite the obvious benefits). Now, he has some part time shop work alongside some career-related volunteering (oh guess what mum had a point!) , it's a good start, finally. And he's paying us some minimal rent now. Good luck.

Oh christ @allnewname a year don't tell me that 😭. I do agree about being effective - I was job hunting not long ago and it is tough out there. He won't apply for anything at or close to minimum wage despite some also attracting tips plus probably lots of hours available. He is also somewhat restricted by geography/public transport so hardly a vast pool of opportunities!

If I were sifting through CVs, I wouldn't look at one that was clearly generated via AI or wasn't tailored to the industry (I haven't seen his but what little conversation suggests both o be happening). His idea of actively applying for jobs seems to be press send on anything new that crops up on Indeed which may work eventually but is neither good use of his time nor likely to be effective.

One of my DC was just emotionally exhausted after years of school and exams. She deferred for a year, and signed on for a foundation course in a local college in a subject that interested her. This gave her time to decompress (we refer back to it as her 'year on the sofa'), she went to college a couple of days a week - it was free as she was under 19 at enrolment, so kept her hand in with some light study and had her part time job (a couple of evenings) for 'spends'. She did contribute a small portion to the household, more as a token. Then went off to uni the following year a more relaxed, motivated student.

I don't know if planning and executive function are something that your son struggles with, but maybe see if he would like some help with planning his 'year on the sofa' - he could be burnt out.

Thanks @JustPaintedMyRoomGreen I'd be really happy for him to do something low key/part time at college and work part time and not pay rent if that's what he needs but he absolutely won't engage in any sort of conversation about next steps or alternate ides - he general takes any advice or suggestion as a criticism or us being controlling & quickly escalates into a foul-mouthed rant. Honestly, it's exhausting & I'm fast losing my patience.

I think removal of home luxuries and privileges is the way forward and I will tell him gym & phone will stop 1st October if he's not working FT (or decent PT & filling his time being a bit more engaged & helpful around the house!)

@lechatnoir sorry to hear your relationship isn't good. Is there a way in there? Shared interest? Could you for example teach him to drive & use the time in the car to chat casually? Might be useful to be clear about that deferred college place. So many posters saying removal of phone etc. I disagree that that's feasible and will push him away further. If he's depressed he needs support even though his attitude might be horribly frustrating.

I am having similar issues with my ds to be honest. Every time I tried to talk to him he would get angry. Yesterday I told him I'm taking the day off today to help him work out next steps. I said he absolutely must talk to me today and he did, we made him a CV together. He's hoping to go travelling in January but still hasn't made any concrete plans and it is so stressful and frustrating. But our tenancy will be up then so he will be forced to do something.. I'm trying to let him get self motivated but it's hard to watch him putting it off. He found a levels extremely stressful so I let him have a bit of time to recover. Now it's kind of up to him