Another mum in despair - 18 year old son doing NOTHING!

[lechatnoir]

18 year old son recently finished his A levels but has already spent the past 6 weeks living the life of riley and I've had enough! Since going on study leave he's been having long lie-ins, getting up at lunchtime and creating vast meals before going to the gym, meeting up with his mates and before exams finished, doing an hour or 2 revision some days but very little else. He has a PT job just on a Saturday morning & a busy social life so often out & about.

His plan was work through summer and save for travelling in November which we were happy with and hoped might help him mature a bit but he's making no signs of even applying let alone starting a job. I work from home & I'm not sure how I'll cope until then with him here all the time doing nothing 😭.

I see people saying 'well I wouldn't stand for it' or 'I'd make them do x,y,z' but seriously how do you physically get a grown man who is angry & entitled to do anything? Any attempts to discuss result in a row but no action. DH ready to kick him out after a particularly unpleasant tirade last week but I'm reigning him in and desperately hoping DS will get a job and things might improve.

Am I being too harsh as he's just finished exams let him do nothing for the summer? Any thoughts as I feel all I do in nag him right now and it's not nice for either of us.

Having looked on the teenage board, disengaged 18 year old boys seems to be an alarmingly common theme so hoping some of you can relate or even advise.

Does he know how to look for a summer job? Are there temp agencies he can sign up for locally? Can he get more hours at how weekend job?
Are his friends working? Does he need a bit of walking through how to go about it? Is there a cousin or other family member who might be able to give some pointers without a Kevin the teenager reaction?

The natural consequence of no travel in the autumn is looming but that doesn't help your stress levels over the summer.

He's barely finished his exams.

He's still essentially a full time student, with child allowance still paid for him.

He's working, going to the gym for his health and sounds like he is making his own food 'creating vast meals'

I thought my Dad was bad banging on about 'getting a job' when I left school, but at least he didn't start when I was still there (well sometimes he did)

Leave him alone. He's got a whole lifetime ahead of him of work and responsibility. Why push him into it early.

His job pays for gym & phone and at 18 I don't really feel confiscating gadgets is appropriate (not that it ever made a jot of difference when he was younger!)

However young younger was, you're now on a hiding to nowhere.
If your DS didn't learn back then he's sure as heck not going to listen to you now.

He probably feels it's a passage of rite to the next stage in his live to doss around at home, never had to pull his weight/listen to your requests to help before so why start now, especially as he earns enough to cover his Gym and phone subscriptions.

As he's had 6 weeks since he's finished his exams I'd have a conversation about what type of work he's going to take on inorder to start the funding for his travels, maybe he needs a bit of encouragement to apply for work/doesn't know where to start.

If he refuses you're just going to have to get tough and tell him that now he's no longer in education if he wants to use the household amenities he's going to have to start to contribute towards them.

Just a part time job to save up as he's planning on travelling.

Tell him you're happy to have him stay under your roof under certain conditions only - I.e. better routine, applying for jobs, chores.

If he doesn't want to do this then he's free to go.

Do not provide money for him.

The main thing is if he doesn't start working to save up, his travelling will amount to B&B in Barnsley.

Or is he expecting you to bail him out and cover?

All pretty normal, though I get wanting to do some family stuff if he's in the house. I still ate dinner with my family when I was living back at home as a teen.

The thing he should realise eventually though is that maturity = owning your own behaviour. That is: not being an arse, not making excuses for oneself, taking equal responsibility for the cleaning etc. Some people get this pretty quickly, others never do.

I really think you might be a bit unrealistic here and comparing your ds who has only just finished A levels (the toughest and most important exams of most people's lives) to unmotivated unemployed 18 year olds who never leave the house after 3 weeks is jumping the gun. Even if he hasn't been studying as hard as you think he might, he's had 2 years of stress and study building up to A levels. Many young people need a proper 'mental wellbeing' break from everything for a good few weeks after school, just to 'de-charge' and recuperate after an enormously stressful time. Finishing school for ever is actually quite terrifying and depressing for some young people too (even if they say they hated school). Suddenly their life structure vanishes, their automatic social life seeing school friends every day disappears and all certainty and future plans are in limbo as they wait for results or make plans.

Why not discuss with your ds and agree a time frame for this de-stressing phase? How long does he think is reasonable to do the lounging round and sleeping late thing? What does he think is a fair share of the household jobs now he's not studying?

Agree a time frame and household arrangements that you both think is fair. Your side of the bargain is that you won't ask, interfere or complain about him 'doing nothing' until the time is up. His side of the bargain is that as he is now an adult with no school/ work responsibilities he takes an adult share of the household tasks as appropriate. e.g. cooking some meals, walking the dog, cleaning the bathroom or whatever jobs adult housemates would expect to share.

And if this doesn't work, it is early days, just wait and watch. If it's any consolation he'll soon find that friends are planning travel, moving away to uni or getting jobs and he'll be desperate to get out there too.

Good luck to you both

A level exams are still happening.

If he's still got exams coming up you are being very unreasonable.

Has he actually finished his exams? I think you can let him have a couple of weeks off after exams before you start nagging at him.

By 19 I was in a 9-5 (more like 9 to 9) high-flying role as an advertising exec, I had uni on the weekends and I was paying mum's mortgage.
By 20 I had dropped out of uni to chase the cash.
By 22 I had a severe burn-out at work.
By 23 I had gone travelling and have never had a career again.

Peaked too soon 🤣

Ok I hear you lay off. If he doesn't work he doesn't travel. he has a uni place deferred so long term plan is uni first so work is a short term means to an end.

I'll have a chat later say sorry, we've been a bit harsh/premature and yes you can spend the summer doing what you want (along with a few chores and not being rude) but come September you need to be starting a full time (or near enough equivalent).

Yes DH is his dad and I think struggles more than me with ds lying around doing nothing - he was sent off to work at 16, contribited to the household jobs & financially as oldest child to single working mum of 4 and is a real grafter. He just doesn't get long school holidays doing nothing, gap years or not wanting to be busy/productive.

@Haffdonga thanks that's a good plan

I don't think 1 day a week working really counts as a lot🤔

I think you need to set some standard chores.
My youngest is in the same year so both my daughters had jobs I expected doing like the dishwasher, taking in the food shop.

I also expected some plan for September onwards, education or full time work. That was and is non negotiable. Both have jobs like your son so I didn't and don't fund anything but food in the house. All toiletries. Clothes and socialising needs to come from them and this encourages work.

As for joining a family film night you're being a bit unreasonable, he's 18, finished education and needs to carry on building social skills with friends

Start by eliminating the laundry services.
He can be responsible for his own.

Is your husband helping with the dog, the laundry, the cooking, and the cleaning? Apologies if he does all that, but if he doesn't, then I can see how your son has got the idea that he doesn't have to pitch in.

I'd definitely announce to him that he will be charged a share of household expenses from X date.

Off topic but I'm surprised he's finished all his exams - mine has 6 out of 9 still to go. It sounds like he's having a gap year, rather than going to university in September, but if he's got a Saturday job and going out and about I wouldn't worry too much. Try and keep yourself busy and develop your own interests.

Start charging rent.

When you said 'nothing', I expected months and months of sitting at his computer gaming his life away with minimal social contact. But the lad has just finished 13 years of schooling and the most important exams of his life! I'd say he deserves a holiday - 6 weeks is nothing, at uni the summers are double that

Plus, he sounds healthy, active and with a (albiet, small) job and a good social life - for a young man of his age, these things shouldn't be taken for granted. After the summer is when the nagging should begin - but I expect he'll find his feet by then

My god he’s an adult!

Oh god, absolutely no advice from me, at least your lad made it to his exams. School rang me at 9.10am this morning wanting to know where my son was- he had 2 A levels today and he thought they were tomorrow- next level fuckwittery 😡😡😡

Oh dear 😲😲

When was his last exam? Surely it can't have been that long ago?!

"His plan was work through summer and save for travelling in November "

I think I'd raise that with him, inasmuch that I would ask him if he'd decided not to go travelling now. If that's still what he wants to do, point out he needs to get some money behind him then, because I would not be financing it. And that would be it, end of conversation.

I think it’s fine for him to be working part time this summer with a view to getting more hours in a couple of months. He’s only just finished exams so going to the gym, sleeping in and socialising is great but he absolutely should be doing some chores in the house. maybe he could make the tea if he’s making vast meals. I would inform him which chores you expect from him and explain to him that he can stay part time for a while but to be aware that his travelling might not be quite what he’d hoped without much cash behind him.

Give the lad a break. He's just finished very important exams. It's only the beginning of June, plenty of time to take up part time work. Can he not have a bit of chill out time first?