Another mum in despair - 18 year old son doing NOTHING!

[lechatnoir]

18 year old son recently finished his A levels but has already spent the past 6 weeks living the life of riley and I've had enough! Since going on study leave he's been having long lie-ins, getting up at lunchtime and creating vast meals before going to the gym, meeting up with his mates and before exams finished, doing an hour or 2 revision some days but very little else. He has a PT job just on a Saturday morning & a busy social life so often out & about.

His plan was work through summer and save for travelling in November which we were happy with and hoped might help him mature a bit but he's making no signs of even applying let alone starting a job. I work from home & I'm not sure how I'll cope until then with him here all the time doing nothing 😭.

I see people saying 'well I wouldn't stand for it' or 'I'd make them do x,y,z' but seriously how do you physically get a grown man who is angry & entitled to do anything? Any attempts to discuss result in a row but no action. DH ready to kick him out after a particularly unpleasant tirade last week but I'm reigning him in and desperately hoping DS will get a job and things might improve.

Am I being too harsh as he's just finished exams let him do nothing for the summer? Any thoughts as I feel all I do in nag him right now and it's not nice for either of us.

Having looked on the teenage board, disengaged 18 year old boys seems to be an alarmingly common theme so hoping some of you can relate or even advise.

My DS had the summer off after his a levels, working part time but enjoyed the summer. He started work full time in the September.

He was expected to keep his room clean and tidy and do normal chores like dishwasher and bins. We asked that he tell us whether or not he would be home for dinner, but other than that we made no calls on his time.

We didn't get any attitude from him, but absolutely would not have stood for it if we did. He wants to be treated as an adult then we expected him to behave respectfully towards us, as we did towards him.

Worked for us

I would draw up a housework rota and ask him which chores he would prefer to do if any, it should all be split equally now he is 18 and not studying. I would give him support looking for work and writing a CV.
My DS is about to finish A levels too.. he is not 18 until August though. I'm asking him for money towards rent and bills and shared housework. He's not finished til end of June though.

I remember mine at that age.

1 was busy all the time with voluntary work.
1 spent his time lazing around with friends.
1 was working f/t retail and when he wasn't spent his time gaming.

I enjoyed seeing them be themselves, whatever that looked like, after the credits of school. They're all successful senior managers in their fields in their 30s.

Maybe try to work out why you're so enraged by it?

9 A levels! Didn't know that was a thing

Ignore me, I get what you mean. I need my bed !

I run a small building company and have taken on two school leavers to work over the summer we start at 7 and finish at430 and they take home £500 for a flat 5

Both of them seem good and willing to work but remind me how old I am by how green they are

Festival season is coming up. Lots of volunteering opportunities out there.

He’s having a gap year, and then off to uni. Not like he’s never got any future plans at all. No problem to let him have a bit of a break.

I’m also 36 and not interested in family dog walks. Especially not in shitty weather.

I would cut him some slack. My ds is still in the thick of A levels and is so stressed I certainly won't expect him to be doing much for a couple of weeks afterwards. If he is socialising, working and going to the gym he's not doing nothing. I'm not sure what you expect.

Wow @Iamblossom are you in England? When did they finish and what subjects?

I'd expect him to be working more hours than a Saturday morning, not necessarily full time but certainly more than that. Or he needs to do more chores around the house.

😂
My parents were abusive, I grew up
in a Communist country.
That was 30 years ago.
At 18, I was still studying though.
They never forced me to join for family meals or walking the dog.
How weird.
I left at 22, best thing I ever done.
Father long time dead, mother as lonely as a fence post back at "sweet home".
What the hell do you want and expect?

Goodness me the boy’s 18, give him a break. A wee bit of lazing around and having fun with friends is good for the soul. He already has a part time job and he has just finished his A levels. If he’s being rude or not helping around the house then fair enough to challenge that but stop trying to micromanage his life.

Let’s be real, not many 18 year old lads want to go on a family walk or have a movie night. Be glad he’s going to the gym, has a good social life and isn’t stumbling around drunk 24/7. Give him a chance to enjoy a nice summer with his friends and if he still hasn’t found something more solid at the end you can start thinking about a bit of gentle encouragement.

But please remember he’s a young adult finding himself and he’s not going to want to have family days out like when he was a little boy. I know it can be hard to accept but it’s developmentally normal and healthy. They do come back to see you more once they’ve spread their wings a little!

If he wants to act like an adult he can take adult responsibilities.

I agree expecting him to becoming Alan Sugar 30 seconds after his exams is unreasonable, but surely he can work an extra day/two a week? He can do his own cooking, laundry, shopping etc. If you stop doing it the penny will soon drop.

But I can’t remember wanting to spend much time with my family at that age either OP.

My son did Film A Level and a Media BTeC

Your children obviously haven't reached late teens yet good luck with that

I didn’t realise I was such a terrible parent. Both DC worked through the summer after Alevels and worked in every vacation while they were at uni. It never occurred to me that they should go on holiday.

As long as he does a few chores I don’t see a problem at all with what he is doing. Do you not remember being 18? It’s a time to stop hanging out so much with your parents if not before.

It’s also a time when a lot of couples realise they have bugger all in common and focussing on their children is what has kept them together.

Enjoy the time of having time as a couple together again.

DS had three months of gaming and looking for work after A levels and ended up in a manual job at an airport for almost 2 years and then got accepted after a series of really tough interviews for a degree apprenticeship.

Some people don’t need an epic slog when studying for A levels nor anything really. Both DH and I have seen some of our students work their backsides off but scrape a 2.2 while others can breezily without too much effort get a 1st.

Mine too.

A holiday from what?

Let him have the holiday. Time to get serious in September.

His whole life has been about school and exams, give him some breathing space

Pickup a new hobby he would like to try?

UPDATE:

As per the overwhelming advice on here 3 months ago, we backed off and left DS to do his own thing over the long summer When he got his results a month ago, he confirmed he still wants to go travelling at Christmas. Knowing this and that most of his mates would be disappearing for uni in September, we suggested he might want to start looking for a job or at least ask for some more hours in his Saturday job, but regardless, come September he needs to be working full time. We also explained that now he's out of FT education he will need to make a household contribution (this would include his gym & phone so only about £20pw board) which he wasn't pleased about!

I appreciate we're only 11 days into September, but nothing has changed! He tells us he's applied for jobs on Indeed (whilst lying in bed - not relevant but it's beginning to grate!). He won't accept help doing his CV or with job applications despite never having done either before. He refuses to register with recruitment consultants & the 2 'staff wanted' signs I told him about he dismissed, told me to stop being controlling and let him do it his way. DH & I are starting to get annoyed so a few days ago had a 'look sunshine, we gave you 3 months to do nothing now pull your finger out, get up before midday and look bloody lively on the job hunt." And still nothing changed plus I heard him turn down a rare evening shift to go out with his mates this weekend - the last time he worked was before we went on holiday end of July!!!

So now what? How do I get him motivated & taking time and care over job applications & demonstrating some vague enthusiasm and commitment when he doesn't want any help? I wouldn't mind if him not paying rent if he was busy volunteering to gain experience - I just want him to get him up & out of the house and stop wasting his life away in bed!

Any practical suggestions? "I just wouldn't tolerate it" is all well and good but what does that actually look like? I can hardly physically remove him (& don't want to) and yes I could stop his gym & phone but he then can't apply for jobs and he does at least leave the house most days for the gym which I don't want to take away. I'm also worried he's showing signs of depression but again, dismissed and told to keep out of his life!

Help!

Well I guess he won’t go travelling and worst case he just dosses all year and then goes to Uni next year and feels embarrassed when people ask what he did in his gap year. If you’re expected to contribute to his Uni costs you could also use that for leverage - ie top up dependent on him working now.

Wait? You’re paying gym and phone? Tell him from 1 October that’s contingent on him working. But you have to mean it.