My 15 year old is out of control..

[Lourdes1982]

My daughter, who is 15 years old, has been a nightmare for the past year. Her behaviour has deteriorated, and over the past 12 months she has stopped going to school (due to having no friends), started smoking weed, and keeps running away from home.

G has been diagnosed with extreme ADHD but refuses to take any medication. Instead, she has been vaping and smoking weed. I do not give her any money, but I found out that she may be meeting men online and exchanging sex for weed. I manage to see a conversation online in which she tells a man she will meet him for sex in exchange for weed. I reported this to the police. The school
made several CS referrals, and child services are now involved. In the beginning, I welcomed the help, but CS did not help! Nothing has been done! G needs mental health support, but she refuses to speak Cahms or take her medications. In addition I think she may have boarded line personality disorder. Of course this is just my belief.

At the moment, she is living with my sister, but my sister is refusing to have her home any longer. She contacted CS this afternoon and says she has to leave this weekend. G-gas flooded her home, took people to her house, ate her food, and has been very rude to her. It is clear she can’t come here as she is rude, and her dealings with drug dealers put her and us in danger. I cannot have her back at home as I have another child, a young son, who is very nervous around her, and the school has also raised concerns about how the abuse she sees at home from G is affecting him. She is also very hostile and has pushed my husband and myself to serve. We want to avoid any violence, and having her home is a ticking bomb.

Anyone have a similar experience?

I’m sorry that sounds incredibly difficult.

Children's services will need to take her into care. It might benefit her to move to a different area of the country for her own sake as she won't have contacts there for drugs. Somewhere very rural might be best. I'd be talking to CS about that and suggesting this. In rural areas there would be less opportunities for obtaining drugs. It must all be incredibly hard for you.

It is so difficult; she denies having sex with anyone. She denies everything and now refuses
to speak to me as she says I’m a liar. I don’t know if she has done anything, but she has certainly talked about it. Lots of naked pictures of her are online. I know she has smoke weed, as I’ve seen pictures and videos of this.
CS has tried forcing me to have her back but I can’t, so they bullied my sister to have her, she can’t cope anymore. It’s so difficult. I want the best for her but she won’t let me help her.

Don’t be bullied. You have to stand firm and tell cs she cannot return. They will accommodate her under section 20- you’ll need to sign to say you agree. It’s not helping to have her at home where she is out of control.

You have to have her back. She sounds very troubled and off the rails but her being ‘rude’ isn’t a reason to kick her out and it’s very unlikely she is involved in drugs to any extent that your family is in danger. I get it’s difficult but you sound desperate to palm her off on somebody and putting her in care will just make things worse.

Thank you.

Sometimes I need validation for what I am doing because. I had my children to care for and love them, but I cannot help G. This is out of my hands! I need to care for my other child too. My sister, who is my only family member left, can’t keep having her. It hurts me so much, but I can’t deal with drugs. I don’t even smoke! I am a professional, and I am a good parent. We had a good life, but things changed so much. It is a devastating situation.
This whole thing have meant I have had to be off work for 3 months as I can’t concentrate on anything. I often feel suicidal but won’t ever do anything as I have my son who needs me. But I am so low and hopeless

What changed from having a good life? It sounds awful but not sure why you can say you're a good mother when your child is out of control?

@Welovecrumpets No, I am not desperate to palm her off. I tried a lot with her. I even paid for a private diagnosis of ADHD to avoid her being suspended from school, which I still couldn’t avoid. She was suspended for a month from school, and now she just won’t go back.

I don’t try to palm her off; she goes off until
10:30 pm, and don’t tell me where she is; she is not rude; it’s beyond that. She also does not want to return to my care as she doesn’t want to adhere to home rules. She said she will stay with a friend. I said to the sw that if she takes her medication and agrees to speak to someone (therapy) I will have her back. But she won’t. She doesn’t want anything.

I can agree that in these few lines you may get the feeling of “palming her off,” but this is not about that. The worst thing is that I know residential
Care won’t even help and could make things worse. Only proper mental health will help, but she won’t let me. I am so stuck.

Have you considered moving somewhere rural so there's less access to these men / drugs.

What about removing her phone so she's unable to post sexual images of herself?

Why are you victim blaming the mother and suggesting the sibling should be forced to live with an abuser?

@sunnydaysanddaydreams

You're talking about the child being an abuser rather than another child who is also vulnerable and suffering abuse.

Why doesn't the other child go and stay with aunt then?

I disagree with previous posters, I do not think your post sounds like you are "palming her off" I think you're stuck between caring for both children and at 15 I don't understand how people presume you can take half the steps they suggest. I think you should stand firm and not take her back at least not for the short term until there's proper support packages in place. Like you said, your other child is suffering and they and you deserve to live in peace not be abused in your own home.

@sunnydaysanddaydreams

i am used to being blamed I am not even going to bother to justify it. No one really knows the ins and outs. I just wanted some advice. I am not here to justify my parenting decisions.

Rural areas are full of drugs, if she doesn’t have friends and she’s finding weed from strangers online, she’ll find it anywhere.
The only amount of domestic violence you should endure in your own home is zero.

You're seriously suggesting a child who has been exposed to their sibling's abusive behaviour should be moved out their own home so the abuser can come back? How is that not victim blaming?

@sunnydaysanddaydreams

We're not talking about an adult groomer here. We're talking about another child who is clearly struggling!!!

And yes- if this mother is so concerned that the children (that she is responsible for ..yes responsible for BOTH CHILDREN) to the extent that they should temporarily live apart then yes the other child can be elsewhere.

People pile on threads like these to suggest parents and siblings should accept behaviour which if it came from anyone else would be considered domestic abuse.

However, on here if the abuse is from your child or sibling you are painted as the awful person for wanting to not be abused and the abuser is actually considered the victim.

But if that abusive person goes and does exactly the same to someone not related to them everyone on here would say break off the friendship or LTB.

Massive double standards.

Both children are victims but can't chuck the older one out because the younger one is easier. If mum doesn't step up now and make this CHILD- feel loved then who will. It's hard but if she rejects her now then that won't stop her feeling suicidal knowing she has failed her child. They're both her children you can't pick and choose who you love and which one you get rid of

Nothing has gone on in my child's life—at least nothing that I have created ( no trauma). She has mental health issues and won’t accept help. I can’t move to a rural area as I work in a big city where I make my living. I cannot relocate and wherever we go G always find ways to find bad company.
My sister can’t have any of my children; she has taken herself away from the problem and said she won’t help. She is younger and works too.
I just want G to accept some help so that I can try again to be a family.

i have to wonder if people like @Jellyx have parented through the teen years.
indeed if the young person in question has adhd and is self medicating with weed she certainly needs residential mental health.
no the adhd medication won't give her the same buzz but what she needs is medical and therapeutic help.
does your workplace have extra medical coverage?

ADHD does not cause all these issues!