My 15 year old is out of control..

[Lourdes1982]

My daughter, who is 15 years old, has been a nightmare for the past year. Her behaviour has deteriorated, and over the past 12 months she has stopped going to school (due to having no friends), started smoking weed, and keeps running away from home.

G has been diagnosed with extreme ADHD but refuses to take any medication. Instead, she has been vaping and smoking weed. I do not give her any money, but I found out that she may be meeting men online and exchanging sex for weed. I manage to see a conversation online in which she tells a man she will meet him for sex in exchange for weed. I reported this to the police. The school
made several CS referrals, and child services are now involved. In the beginning, I welcomed the help, but CS did not help! Nothing has been done! G needs mental health support, but she refuses to speak Cahms or take her medications. In addition I think she may have boarded line personality disorder. Of course this is just my belief.

At the moment, she is living with my sister, but my sister is refusing to have her home any longer. She contacted CS this afternoon and says she has to leave this weekend. G-gas flooded her home, took people to her house, ate her food, and has been very rude to her. It is clear she can’t come here as she is rude, and her dealings with drug dealers put her and us in danger. I cannot have her back at home as I have another child, a young son, who is very nervous around her, and the school has also raised concerns about how the abuse she sees at home from G is affecting him. She is also very hostile and has pushed my husband and myself to serve. We want to avoid any violence, and having her home is a ticking bomb.

Anyone have a similar experience?

Because she’s not the victim, the daughter is. She’s a minor who is being coerced into sex work and sounds very troubled.

@Welovecrumpets so let's get this straight, you are literally saying people who are vulnerable (like the OP's child) cannot simultaneously perpetuate abusive behaviour?

@Jellyx I really will ignore your comments and not because I am refusing to learn from them but you really have no idea.

@CurlsnSunshinetime4tea Thank you for your words! Yes, I have medical insurance with my work, but G refuses to accept any further medical help, which is very frustrating. Her ADHD is certainly worse with the weed. She lives in filth, does not sleep, does not go to school, eats at all hours, and cannot concentrate.

PS: I don’t claim to be mother of the year, but my youngest son is doing very well in school and in general, and my eldest daughter has just finished her law degree. G has always been challenging, but I didn’t mind; her aggression is violence I can’t keep ignoring. Her disrespect is constant and does not adhere to any rules making her unsafe. Is she is back at home this does not mean she is safe. A roof over her head is not enough to keep her safe! She keeps running away!

ADHD does indeed make you more prone to addiction, impulsivity and rages.

@Lourdes1982

I have no idea? I have just listed the things your child is going through as shared by you..

This is a child who is massively struggling. Sounds like she can't accept help due to low self - esteem only being made worse by all the current traumas.

I get she's not following rules in your home and running away. What is she running to? What is she running away from? I think you as a parent need specialist advice and guidance.

This is a really tricky position and I’m sorry you’re going through this. As someone who has a sibling whose behaviour was similar to this, please try and seek a therapist for her as soon as you can. She wants to feel heard and obviously going through something quite painful, whatever that may be.

Weed sounds like it’s her coping mechanism rather than the reason of such behaviour?

@Lourdes1982
And how will being 'in care' keep her safe? Children run away from care frequently.

All you're doing is putting her under a different roof than you.

Yes. I worked 10years in these care homes for teens.. and I'll tell you now that in 99% of these cases it's the parents who lack self awareness and haven't done what they needed to.

Where's dad? Do you live together or if separate can he take her for a while?

@nomoretreats her dad is my husband! There are no daddy issues as earlier suggested ! He has no family in the UK so limited on this too. He is an extremely good dad whose always been present!

I'm assuming you guys have

• removed her phone / access to money
• go out to find her every time she runs away
• accessed professional parental support
• looked at other ways to minimise your other child's exposure to all this other than living in separate homes. And if living in separate homes then why don't parents take a child each and temporarily live separately?
• considered speaking to police given your child is being sexually harmed?

I haven't got any answers but I just wanted to send you some support.

My sister went off the rails like this when she was a teen and I saw what it did to my mum, dad and the family as a whole. They raised us all the same and the rest of us never behaved/turned out like that as a teen - I do truly believe it's down to a personality thing for that child. Not just blaming parenting (although that really is the case sometimes). She did grow out of it in the end and had to grow up. Now she's married with a family herself, she truly realises how awful she was and what she put my parents through. She is ashamed, embarrassed and remorseful.

The fact you're having these discussions shows you love her and want to help. Love will always win in the end!

Apologies I missed that your husband was her dad and were together.

Any other adult in the family she'd be likely to listen to?

I do think if she goes into the care system she will never recover and will feel abandoned. That you've chosen your other child over her etc.

If you have family abroad would anyone be able to support and take her for a while?

I really hope you get the support you need. Must be incredibly difficult.

@Jellyx we've heard your opinion don't care either way please stop clogging the thread so OP can get some other advice. Please don't be weird

Your posts are not helpful at all to the OP. Please stop!

I agree with all of this. Something has absolutely caused this behaviour and it’s not the ADHD but likely a combination of other factors. All of the things we do in life is a choice. I don’t know at this point what you can do to improve the situation but your daughter’s life outcomes will almost definitely be worse if she goes into care than stays with you. Is it possible if you move or relocated you would have better access to services? Your daughter likely feels very abandoned by you. Even if she will not say that- she may not even know that is how she feels. Is there any way you can really talk with her or try and connect with her?? I would say another option at this point is to consider all possibilities- could your sister come and live with you and help with your son whilst you try and repair the relationship with your daughter? I think if you let her into care you have really lost her for life. So sorry you are going through this - it sounds very very hard. Best of luck x

She’s a child. Just take her phone off of her and ground her. It really is that simple. I’ve been there (as the child). Get her home and stop all of this now.

Some of these responses really are the worst of Mumsnet. People making accusations about ‘daddy issues’, assuming OP is a single parent (like there’s anything she could do about that if she was), and blaming her for wanting to earn a living. Jesus.

Whatever has happened here, OP has been dealt a really hard hand and the lack of solidarity and support from some posters is shameful.

Best of luck, OP.

Haha you're kidding right? It is not just that easy.

Perhaps it s tough advice she doesn't want to hear.

I'm not going to say ''great idea..put her in care'' because it's not a good idea.

Let's not blame everything on ADHD.

This is a 2 parent household. What is a teen residential care home going to do for this child? Nothing good.

If it's about protecting another child there are many other ways to do this.

I love how everyone piles on saying the OP is an awful mother because the DD doesn’t have a father/father figure and that this is the root of all problems. Misogyny is well and alive I see. Especially since this girl has a two parent family yet still has mental health issues and is out of control. Just like thousands who are brought up well in a stable home. Go figure, it’s almost as if these things can happen even if you are an excellent parent. I have a friend with a PhD from Cambridge, lovely parents, happy stable childhood with private education and every privilege, yet his twin brother is a heroin addict. And people usually seek to blame their parents for that, just as they are doing here.

The OP didn't mention the father / husband until asked. Why not? Doesn't she value the role of the father? Aren't we being misogynist by not mentioning or valuing the role of the father?

It's not about blaming a parent. It doesn't matter who is at fault- it's STILL both parents responsibly to care for both children.

Why doesn't the dad give up his work and spend more time trying to fix this.

And the private school example..what difference does that make. Loads of SA's have been known to take place in all kinds of schools.

I've worked with abused teens - finances don't matter. Single parents struggle MUCH more. You can be in a job and appear stable and still be a crap parent OR not prepared to do some tough parenting.

Sounds horrendous, Op, and I agree that you need to protect your other child.

I hope that you have found some of the posts here helpful.

To those criticising the Op, and making assumptions in order to suit their own narrative, hope that it makes you feel like better people.

She needs to protect both children. You don't need to put one in care to do that. Alternatives include

• either child staying with a family / friend on a respite, short-term basis. E.g every other weekend or whatever frequency is practical

• ensure the younger child's school is aware and additional nurture / emotional support is offered there.

• reduce working hours (both, either parent) to really focus on parenting- including special 1-1 time with both children.

• ensure disagreements / conflicts are minimised in front of all children. And also ensure both children have an age appropriate awareness of what the worry is and what parents/ others are doing to help.

This isn't about blame. It's about who is responsible for changing things (partly due to lack of resource..) and what is actually going to be helpful. Putting the elder child in care will have no good outcomes for her.
I'd also suggest it will cause some damage to the younger child who may be too scared to act out (within normal chikd age range) due to fear / anxiety of being put in care.

Of course this is terrible for the parents but I'd suggest it's most terrible for the older child.

She actually mentioned her husband in the very first post but maybe you missed that when you were busy making assumptions.

My friend’s brother was not sexually abused. Mental illness isn’t always caused by something identifiable. It is also possible to have kids who make poor choices and go off the rails due to no fault of the parents. People don’t like to acknowledge that a lot of it is luck of the draw because it’s more reassuring to tell themselves that it’s because the parents of out of control teens are shit and failed in some way.