My 15 year old is out of control..

[Lourdes1982]

My daughter, who is 15 years old, has been a nightmare for the past year. Her behaviour has deteriorated, and over the past 12 months she has stopped going to school (due to having no friends), started smoking weed, and keeps running away from home.

G has been diagnosed with extreme ADHD but refuses to take any medication. Instead, she has been vaping and smoking weed. I do not give her any money, but I found out that she may be meeting men online and exchanging sex for weed. I manage to see a conversation online in which she tells a man she will meet him for sex in exchange for weed. I reported this to the police. The school
made several CS referrals, and child services are now involved. In the beginning, I welcomed the help, but CS did not help! Nothing has been done! G needs mental health support, but she refuses to speak Cahms or take her medications. In addition I think she may have boarded line personality disorder. Of course this is just my belief.

At the moment, she is living with my sister, but my sister is refusing to have her home any longer. She contacted CS this afternoon and says she has to leave this weekend. G-gas flooded her home, took people to her house, ate her food, and has been very rude to her. It is clear she can’t come here as she is rude, and her dealings with drug dealers put her and us in danger. I cannot have her back at home as I have another child, a young son, who is very nervous around her, and the school has also raised concerns about how the abuse she sees at home from G is affecting him. She is also very hostile and has pushed my husband and myself to serve. We want to avoid any violence, and having her home is a ticking bomb.

Anyone have a similar experience?

Wow. Just wow

But if you can’t get her to accept help then what makes you think some social worker can?

Sorry but you do seem desperate to palm her off. And PP is right social services are not ‘bullying’ you by forcing you to take back your own child. There are other children far more in need, whose parents are class A drug users or an actual danger to them - those children are rightly being prioritised over a difficult teenager who is clearly unwell but is being stubborn.

What are things like financially? Can you afford to rent a small flat nearby to house DD and take turns living there, with the other parent home with DS? At least that way they would be apart.

She needs you OP, don’t throw her to the care system and wash your hands. You say she’s violent - what is the worst she has done? Are we talking a bit of shoving or full on red mist rages where she trashes the house and picks up weapons?

@Viewfrommyhouse
My point is there are plenty of things that could be tried before considering care - which is a poor last resort.

I agree. I was VERY off the rails as a teen (similar to OP’s DD) and mentally unwell. My parents were pretty hopeless but they never considered putting me in care, and thank God. I know a few kids who did and their lives went from bad to worse.

I read something the other day by Dr Russell Berkeley about how parents think they’re engineers but are in fact shepherds. Children are born with a combination of 400 inherited genetic traits and each child is different. That’s why similarly parented children turn out so differently.

What I am saying is don’t blame yourself for this, in all likelihood there is very little you could have done to change her. You are where you are ~ look for solutions even if they’re temporary.

Short term care may be the shock she needs. It just needs to be presented clearly as a consequence of what has gone on before.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. These situations often do ease as the child moves into late teens early 20s.

Wow. What a way to make a child feel like an unworthy burden on the family.

There are so many terrible parents on here giving truly dreadful advice - it’s kind of breathtaking.

As a parent WE take responsibility for our own children. We don’t abandon them when the going gets tough.

Ummm a 15 yr old is an adult size and yes they absolutely can be an abuser. Come back to dispense advice when your 1 yr old gets to that age and does the things OP's daughter does.

So much crap on this thread from ignorant posters, it's unbelievable.So easy to blame the parents, if your child behaves this way there must be some trauma or bad parenting. And of course the guilt tripping that "but she is a child and you must take her back" at the expense of your entire family enduring her abuse.
To me it sounds like you've tried so hard, with giving her a loving stable home and getting her help. She's nearly an adult and you can't force anything, now it's purely her choice what she does. Unfortunately she doesn't want to take the help, so she needs to understand there are consequences and that she can't go around abusing people as she pleases.
Remember, she has a choice and if she does go into care that doesn't mean you've given up on her. She clearly can't be helped at home, care may or may not help but it's something to be tried. You can't be expected (neither your son or DH) to carry on like this, not feasible for your sanity or wellbeing. Tell CS the way things are you absolutely cannot have her as you cannot cope and you cannot compromise your son's mental health any further either. Stick to what you've said, All you've asked is she takes meds and therapy, it isn't really much to ask! Until she agrees to that, no she cannot return. And let them deal with it.

@Jellyx shut up already and get the f* out. You don't need to post your opinion 100 times and others have told you so in multiple comments!

No need to swear. I can say what I want and post as many times as I feel I need to.

I am specialist in this area. You may not agree - totally fine.

I'm not swearing at others or being rude. Please check yourself and calm down.

Absolutely vile thing to say. You're behaving like an obsessive bully. Leave OP alone and go and find something more constructive to do.

Ffs. She’s 15, not ‘nearly an adult’. You’re being absolutely ridiculous. What do you think would happen if every parent with a child like this threw them to the care system? There are kids who can’t get foster places whose parents are feeding them alcohol at 5 and taking them to crack dens so they can shoot up, and yet you think OP’s daughter should take up one of those spaces because she’s posting naked photos on the internet and running away?

OP needs to man up frankly and cancel her daughter’s phone contract, disable the WiFi and start earning some money so she can source private therapy. All the coulda-woulda-shoulda about our overburdened public MH services is going to make no difference. She needs help now. Tell her if she attends a session she can have an hour of supervised internet access. Search her bedroom and throw out anything harmful - drugs, vapes, whatever you find. Lock the doors so she can’t get out, send your son and DH to stay with grandparents or a hotel for a few days.

You need to be an adult now and take charge. Stop with the ‘oh she’s so awful, I’m living on my nerves’ and bloody help her

@Littlestminnow
It's not vile. I'm hearing alot of reasons why she can't take alternative methods to her child being in care. I'm really asking how much she is prepared to do to save her child from the care system and what's happening to her right now.

With respect, Jellyx, you lost your authority here when you started making things up about the absent father. You'd be better off backing out quietly.

Just stop. It is very clear that you have no conception of how tough a time the OP is enduring and how difficult teenagers can be. You are really not helping the OP with your continuing comments.

Some hideous judgmental replies on this thread berating a mother who is at the end of her tether and feeling suicidal. I wonder how many of you have been in the OP's horrendous situation.

OP have a look at PEGS - they may be able to support you. You must get support for yourself to be able to effectively support your daughter. Wishing you the very best.

www.pegsupport.co.uk

I'm sorry you're going through this op. I'm a foster carer. I mainly foster teens. I've had a lot of teens like your dd in my care over the years. Usually they arrive full of angst and lashing out. They feel abandoned and want to blame everyone but themselves. I usually sit my teens down and explain that they will no longer have free access to social media or phones. They do get to use them but it's limited and monitored. I explain the rules of my home. And then they totally kick off. But usually they do calm down as most understand the alternative is a care home which can be tough. We talk about the reasons for these rules. It's hell for a few days but then they do start to feel the benefits of this. I keep them busy, I encourage their interests, we spend time talking about them, their families and friends. Then we talk about people they admire or look up to. Then I ask them what they would like for themselves in the future. This is usually a turning point. I don't think a lot of teens caught up in this destructive behaviour ever think about the consequences until it's too late. Because their brains are constantly full of social media, whatsapping, drugs, alcohol etc. when they get that window of rest they do think clearer. They then start to miss their family and make steps to get better and get back to their families.

Things are obviously not working at home. Ss will always be hesitant and want your child at home with you. It's not always the best way. But if you find you have no control over her then you've got no chance. And you do need to protect your other child. There will be damage being done to them too from your daughter's behaviour.

Stand firm with SS. Keep badgering for camhs but in all honestly the waiting lists are abysmal. A lot of my teens get private therapy. Recent one having weekly therapy at £65 pounds a week. It's a lot but the turn around in their mood and mind set has been worth it. I've funded this myself out of the monies I get for them.

Best of luck op. This won't last forever and you will both get through this x

I agree with Whopp21’s advice no one is going to care or go out of their way to help her more than you and her dad and certainly not social services. Unfortunately some teens are much harder work than others and put themselves at huge risk and it’s scary parenting them but if you and your dh don’t take control of this situation in the way Whopp21 advises the consequences for her are unthinkable and it will affect your whole family too.

So what do you suggest? That she is allowed to take over and trash her house and family for the sake of making her feel worthy (which she is probably too far gone to realize)
the girl needs a sharp change in circumstances to get her out of this pattern of behavior or it will be prison or death

Retired a year ago but I used to work at a local college as a 1-2-1 support for teenagers (14plus) who for some reason had dropped out of mainstream schooling. Many of our students sound just like your DD. As well as educating them there was also therapies on offer and close liason with social services and schools when appropriate. Sounds like something your daughter would benefit from OP. DM me if you would like more information.

🤦🏼‍♀️ Short term care may be the shock she needs. It just needs to be presented clearly as a consequence of what has gone on before have you lost your blessed mind?

Hard agree re. genes. Those of us with 3-4 kids know that genetics play a huge part in temperament, and sadly some kids are born with traits that make life a lot harder for themselves and others. There doesn't have to be massive trauma as a cause, nor does it mean the parents are to blame. I can't stand how people always assume that a difficult child means poor parenting - and by that they usually mean the mother.

The OP made the father appear absent. I simply asked where he was in the picture

Morning, everyone.

We're going to close this thread to new posts now. The OP seems to have left now, amid several posts that felt a bit harsh on a thread asking for support, and we don't think those posts are helping anyone.

We'll leave the thread up (just with no new posts) as there are lots of useful comments too that the OP and others may want to look back on.

Thanks @HebeMumsnet I was going to report this so glad others have. Shocking behaviour.