My 15 year old is out of control..

[Lourdes1982]

My daughter, who is 15 years old, has been a nightmare for the past year. Her behaviour has deteriorated, and over the past 12 months she has stopped going to school (due to having no friends), started smoking weed, and keeps running away from home.

G has been diagnosed with extreme ADHD but refuses to take any medication. Instead, she has been vaping and smoking weed. I do not give her any money, but I found out that she may be meeting men online and exchanging sex for weed. I manage to see a conversation online in which she tells a man she will meet him for sex in exchange for weed. I reported this to the police. The school
made several CS referrals, and child services are now involved. In the beginning, I welcomed the help, but CS did not help! Nothing has been done! G needs mental health support, but she refuses to speak Cahms or take her medications. In addition I think she may have boarded line personality disorder. Of course this is just my belief.

At the moment, she is living with my sister, but my sister is refusing to have her home any longer. She contacted CS this afternoon and says she has to leave this weekend. G-gas flooded her home, took people to her house, ate her food, and has been very rude to her. It is clear she can’t come here as she is rude, and her dealings with drug dealers put her and us in danger. I cannot have her back at home as I have another child, a young son, who is very nervous around her, and the school has also raised concerns about how the abuse she sees at home from G is affecting him. She is also very hostile and has pushed my husband and myself to serve. We want to avoid any violence, and having her home is a ticking bomb.

Anyone have a similar experience?

The outcomes for teens in care are not good, and it's very likely that a few years down the line she will either have to live independently or come back to stay with you. If she ends up going into care, she will feel hugely rejected and that won't help.

I do think that you and her father may have to consider some major lifestyle changes to help her, as well as continuing to try and get her support.

Or, of course, you can insist that she goes into care, carry on your lives as they are, and accept that the outcomes for her will likely be worse.

Who's paying for her phone? That's where I'd start.

Unfortunately no one can force her to change. They can arrange contextual safeguarding support, they can arrange mental health appointments, they can arrange substance misuse appointments, but it’s all pointless unless she wants to address the concerns. Children's services don’t therefore have a magic wand. All they can hope for is that through building a warm and responsive relationship with her, they can get her to reflect on her behaviour and consider a need for change. They will however have to find housing for her, and hopefully in the another setting she’ll be able to get there. They can also liaise with the police to see if there are any ways to safeguard your daughter from these men through their intervention.

You are struggling op, I hear that, but your daughter is being exploited, violated, groomed and abused. This is not the moment you exit her life as well. Compounding her trauma.

Your dd is not out of control
She is a child.
The situation she find herself in, which must be absolutely terrifying for her, is out of control.

She is lashing out because she is frightened, it is what cornered animals do.

Ask your sister to have your other child and totally focus on your seriously desperate 15 year old. You have to step up and step into this to get her back.
It’s going to take courage. It’s going to take every ounce of your inner strength, but she is your child and you can not abandon her.

It’s hard to understate the danger she is in op. Prioritise her above all else

Here are the charities you can turn to for support:

https://cscp.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/4206.1-County-lines-leaflet-final-web.pdf

I can not stress to you enough that this is not your dds fault, she is ND and is being exploited. Work with her, not against her, tell her you know none of this is her fault and you love her unconditionally. You are her last hope, and things really will go from bad to worse if you put her in the care system now.

I work with children that have been through this op, what have the police done to protect her from these men so far?

They are breaking the law.

I would go down the route of having her taken by services. Drugs and violence are not appropriate to have around your younger child and you can't manage her now, she needs something else to help her get back on the right path.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I don't read anything but a desperate parent whose explored all other options so for those saying you are abandoning her until they've sat in your shoes they can't possibly know how awful it is to be dealing with this and I speak from a bit of experience

How as a parent have you let things escalate to this stage. These behaviour does not happen overnight it should have been addressed in the early stages by some firm parenting rules that were implemented and needed to be obeyed.

Unhelpful? Those are all the things that children's social care will ask and suggest!

Those of you claiming that social services 'have to' put her in care - no they don't. Refusing to have your child back home can be considered child abandonment which is a crime. We have so many parents assume they can just 'refuse' and by magic a social worker will find a place for their child to go. Firstly there are no places - I don't think people realise this. Placements for teenagers with challenging behaviour are almost non existent, secondly because putting a child in care is rarely the solution and often makes them more vulnerable and the situation much worse and thirdly it's public money - do people blithely calling for social services to accommodate every challenging teen understand that these placements can cost £5000 a week to start with? Children's homes that take teens can write their own cheques as they are so few.

Get some parenting support, remove internet access/phone, put locks and alarms on the doors and windows, enlist all family and friends that you can and ride it out. She's your daughter and this stage won't last forever.

The teenager I was close was simply sent another phone from 'someone' Once they are this entranced it isn't that easy.

Three key questions:

Have you taken her phone away? I know a 17yo who doesn't have access to the internet because of a very similar history to your DD's current situation. She's doing ok now, but only because her parents removed her phone and moved her to a new area - but if she had access to the internet she would go straight back to what she was doing before, that's already happened.

Have you talked to the police? Other posters have covered this one.

Where is her father in all this? What has he done, what does he think needs doing, why is he only mentioned in passing on this thread, as though he's not a key character in all this?

The child is the one most at risk here, can you see the level of harm that is already being inflicted on a ND child?

The untidy room (which you and dh can fix), smoking, eating etc isn’t something that harms your family really

She’s smoking weed. Of course that harms the family.

I can totally see that. But her parents can no longer manage her, she switched off from their interventions and anything they suggest. Nothing will change by keep repeating the same way of back home, run away, have sex for weed and fall out with mum and dad again.
I don't disagree that it should've been handled heavily in the first place probably years ago but they are where they are now and a different path needs looking into.
You can't force a 15 year old to have therapy or take medication. You can restrict internet etc and move but even moving to her aunts has not changed things. And my experience is that the teenager will find another way to access the internet. These men know who she is, her dealers know who she is.
The family need specialist help

Exactly. She is beyond parental control. In a year, SS won’t be interested as she will be over 16. OP needs to push for help now, ideally a residential placement where she can get specialist intervention. All the suggestions to tidy her room for her, buy her a care bear, parents give up their job (and means of supporting the family) and spend quality 1 on 1 time aren’t going to help now it has gotten this far. She’s in deep with dealers and groomers.
OP also has a duty to protect the younger sibling. I have seen plenty of anecdotes about people going NC with parents who failed to protect them from abusive siblings. That is likely what will happen if OP continues to allow the DD to live in the home.

As a parent of neurodiverse teens and young adults I feel I can comment take that as you will.
Usually children with ND will behave younger than they actually are. They can become sexually promiscuous as a way of trying to mirror the world around them as a way of masking this is especially true in nd girls.
Both of these things mean that she is extremely vulnerable and at risk for the sort of behaviours op is describing.
At the same time she is probably embarrassed and doesn't want the op to acknowledge the things she has done. The overwhelming feeling of embarrassment which can come with nd can cause them to shut down and need to escape the situation physically if necessary, especially if you are badgering. The weed is a self medicating side effect of all this imo.

If I were the op I would treat this whole thing like a meltdown, in that I would draw a line under all this and then put some hefty boundaries in place. I would frame it all as keeping her safe. As in replacing phone with a non smart phone for now, evenings are home time downstairs (don't let her get bored lots of game nights watching her shows together etc) weekends are drop off and pick up to certain places or you all go together.
Then when she is feeling calm and safe you can try and talk and tell her while she may feel explosive it I not cool to take it out on others.
This would be easier if you had started when she was younger but you have to be consistent and firm it will take a while.

She may have more access to drugs by being in care. The peers she'll be with will also have their own major issues. And children's care homes have been targeted by grooming gangs.

@gettingbackonit23
She's outwith parental control? But how would she be any more under the control of staff (strangers) in a children's care home?

What is she supposed to live on, fresh countryside air?

You can’t even seem to grasp the basics. A child is a minor until they are eighteen years of age. Not sixteen.

She is a child and in dire need of a multi disciplinary approach now. The mental health crisis team. The police. Social services. Everyone should be involved now given the risk and the escalation.

A child relies on the adults around them to keep them safe from harm, everyone is failing her as far as I can see.

Lourdes1982
Have a read of "Mum can you lend me £20"
your daughter needs serious help. Help that you sadly cannot give. If anyone is "palming" her off its child services and mental health provisions.

THIS

If she comes back home then your home becomes a sinking ship and all of you will drown as she will continue to be out of control.

She needs to be taken into care to protect your son.

Because of the mental health problems she may never grow out of this behaviour but she does need to be given a chance and only people professionally trained to deal with drug taking, prostitution and other reckless behaviour can help her.

It's horrible for you and your husband but you've done everything you can to protect her and now she is of a physical size where she cannot be restrained within the house and will not engage with with either of you.