My 15 year old is out of control..

[Lourdes1982]

My daughter, who is 15 years old, has been a nightmare for the past year. Her behaviour has deteriorated, and over the past 12 months she has stopped going to school (due to having no friends), started smoking weed, and keeps running away from home.

G has been diagnosed with extreme ADHD but refuses to take any medication. Instead, she has been vaping and smoking weed. I do not give her any money, but I found out that she may be meeting men online and exchanging sex for weed. I manage to see a conversation online in which she tells a man she will meet him for sex in exchange for weed. I reported this to the police. The school
made several CS referrals, and child services are now involved. In the beginning, I welcomed the help, but CS did not help! Nothing has been done! G needs mental health support, but she refuses to speak Cahms or take her medications. In addition I think she may have boarded line personality disorder. Of course this is just my belief.

At the moment, she is living with my sister, but my sister is refusing to have her home any longer. She contacted CS this afternoon and says she has to leave this weekend. G-gas flooded her home, took people to her house, ate her food, and has been very rude to her. It is clear she can’t come here as she is rude, and her dealings with drug dealers put her and us in danger. I cannot have her back at home as I have another child, a young son, who is very nervous around her, and the school has also raised concerns about how the abuse she sees at home from G is affecting him. She is also very hostile and has pushed my husband and myself to serve. We want to avoid any violence, and having her home is a ticking bomb.

Anyone have a similar experience?

@Jellyx like I said I actually personally don't care about your opinion either way. Clearly OP disagrees. In plain English you've made your point you are clearly triggered now move on. There's no auto delete on the app so your words are in black and white for her to read and read over again. No point being relentless.

That's ok. I just want to make myself clear. As I've noted I've worked in this area for 10years so I know what I'm doing and saying and genuinely hope she listens to advice that will work long term.

@gettingbackonit23
How do you know they weren't abused? If they were it's nothing something they're sharing if they're resorting to herion.

They have tried the staying with family bit and it has broken down. The OP only has her sister and the sister does not want to accommodate the DD and nor should she. The younger child shouldn’t be sent away as what sort of message does that send. He deserves to be safe in his home. He’s being abused by his 15 yo sister and it’s impacting on him to the extent that the school are noticing. His sister is openly taking drugs and bringing drug dealers to the home. What sort of life is that for a young child? His sister is 15 years old, she has been given help but will not take it. She is making her family’s life a misery. I would absolutely ask the local authority to accommodate her to protect the younger child and it might be out of the OP’s hands as the LA might take action of their own accord. I promise the younger child will not thank the parents for either sending him away or forcing his abusive living situation to continue.

reduce working hours (both, either parent) to really focus on parenting- including special 1-1 time with both children

A girl who is selling sex for drugs and is enmeshed with drug dealers is really not going to be turned round by her mum quitting her job to spend special one on one time with her. Genuinely.

If you don't care for my opinion then no need to reply. I can respond how I choose to see fit.

I'm not here to write something just for the OP to agree or not agree with. Partly because other people may read the thread for their own advice as they may be in a similar situation.

My priority is child protection not the OPs feelings.

Well he’s got an extensive record for abusing his own partners, often a lot younger than him and vulnerable. He broke his mums jaw once as well. He’s no victim.

You say your priority is child protection but you don't actually read OP's posts where she says her husband is the father.

I find it hard to believe you work in this area whilst have such fixed view point. You have openly saying you're not bothered about the way you made the OP feel and clearly don't bother to actually read posts.

If you do work in CP your posts don't reflect well on the profession. You have been completely biased against OP from when you started posting.

You clearly don’t work in this area @Jellyx because nobody who did would come up with dim advice like “move to the countryside where there are no drugs or men” and suggest that the issue can be solved by taking away the daughters phone. And suggesting that 99% of the time parents are to blame and saying why can’t a scared 7 yo be sent away to live with relatives.

so child living at home having suffered violence in the home, is punished, by losing that home to move elsewhere. Showing that the other child is more important as they are violent, abusive and taking drugs

can you not understand how that would mentally turn the screw even further?

You've clearly not read my advice.
I've stated that there are other ways to protect both children than putting one in care services.

Of course simply removing the phone won't solve the problem. But it's a factor. Of course moving out of the city won't simply solve it - but it's a factor.

This is a complex issue and we're only getting mums version. It's requires a complex plan that isn't going to be nice for everyone.

It’s absolutely not your fault, those posters are idiots. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. If you can get her into care, it’s very possible it might not be in your area to get her away from meeting those men. She will be well looked after @Lourdes1982, I used to work in residential care and the staff really did their best. I’m quite sure I would do the same if she were my child. It’s very possible her behaviour will change in a year or two, when she grows up a bit.

sorry you’re family is going through this. I think some posters have no idea what it’s like to parent a child with complex needs, whether it be a combination of diagnosis’s - PDA, personality disorder, mental health issues, ADHD or autism. I work in SC with young people and yes some have come from incredibly troubled backgrounds but some are well loved and well cared for but their needs are greater than the family can possibly manage. Safeguarding the child and siblings can be incredibly difficult.

Sadly often things need to hit rock bottom and implode to get the help required. So you need to say she can only return if taking medication and engaging with therapy, while your sister needs to say she can’t have her. Stay firm to safeguard your youngest. Tell her you love her and the door is always open to her to return once taking medication and engaging in therapy. Maintain good contact in future settings, try to rebuild a good relationship with regular visits, calls, texts. Somehow ensure she feels loved rather than rejected. These are desperate measures to safeguard both children.

young people are sometimes located into rural social care to manage drugs/engagement in criminal behaviours and while there are such issues in rural areas too, logistics can make safeguarding easier to manage. Your daughter needs the right setting with the right team support/professionals and central to this is an accurate diagnosis.

As someone who has been through similar I have to say I agree with Jellyx. What seemed to help my DD was me changing jobs to work from home so I was there for her more.

I'm on my way to work atm so I can't give detailed advice but I'll come back to the thread later if I remember. I do believe, however, if I'd gone the opposite way and evicted DD, limiting her time with me rather than trying to increase it she probably wouldn't be alive today.

Just to add that I’ve also worked in residential settings and the staff teams were amazing with the young people, very person centred and able to help them move forward.

@sunnydaysanddaydreams
You've clearly not bothered to read my comments. I've not said I don't care about the OPs feelings - I've acknowledged it must be difficult for everyone. What I have said is that my priority is child protection and suggested some negative consequences to both children if 1 were to go into government care.

I'm the one that's worked in this area and this issue will not be solved, only made worse, by having 1 in care.

What violence are we talking about? The father being pushed? Is this child suicidal or beating people to death? Or is she clearly struggling and unable to manage all the serious issues that even adults struggle with (drugs, sexual harm) .

Have the police been contacted about the sexual harm? If not- this is urgent. Whether the teen thinks it's consensual or whether the police won't take it further without her cooperation is irrelevant. This child needs to know her parents are trying to protect her.

I have both personal and professional experience of these issues and I send you love and support, OP. It is complete hell. I have never experienced stress like it and it has affected our whole family. However, and I am saying this with kindness - sending DD away is not the answer. She is only 15 and extremely vulnerable due to her ADHD. Being in care won’t keep her safe. SS are (supposed to be) there to help but she is your responsibility. If you don’t know how to parent a child with ADHD then you find out. If you don’t know about drugs then you find out. If you don’t know how to
protect your other child then you find out. If you or DH have to go part time at work for a few years then you do. If she threatens you, you call the police. If she has a mental health crisis you take her to hospital and fight for inpatient care if she needs it. If she’s arrested you go and pick her up. If she goes missing you go and look for her. You campaign to get those photos taken down. Don’t think
of it as ‘she chose to sell photos to get drugs’ but as some scumbag pervert exploiting her. You and your husband need to act as a tag team, when one tires then the next one takes over so you can still spend time with your son and your friends and your sister (who sounds amazing). You fight and fight and fight for your daughter until she is 18. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do and I’m sure far from the life you thought you would have but it is not forever. You explain to your other child that G isn’t well and you need to do everything you can to help her get better. At the moment there is a risk that he believes if he is naughty you will send him away too. I know that is not your intention. I’m sorry if this seems harsh but she is a child who is being sexually exploited - blaming her and making her someone else’s problem is not the answer. (Watch Girl A on how vulnerable girls were exploited and blamed for their own abuse.) I am so sorry you are facing this, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

She lives in filth, does not sleep, does not go to school, eats at all hours, and cannot concentrate.

All teens TRY to live in filth, this is the one thing you can definitely change (clean her room, but her nice stuff for a shower!!)

School avoidance is huge at the moment, we had a nightmare (the worst, called in by school etc etc) of a year last year with my son literally just saying‘I’m not going’ and us constantly having to (try to) talk him/ bribe him etc.

All teens also eat all hours (who cares really, just laugh roll your eyes and try to get a bit of change or get some healthy options in there)

and she has adhd so your thing with concentrating is to try to help her, if she’s on screens a lot uou try to help her off them, ds was ADDICTED (so to the point of blinking eyes, not sleeping, suddenly staring into space if we were talking to him).

To help him off I’d ask him for help with random tiny things, myself or dh would just chat to him over something he had an interest in, we literally nearly took him back to toddler territory- we’re baking, can you help with the dishes, we’re playing a board game, if you play we’ll get x or y, or we’re going for a family walk or the dog needs company god poor dog must hate us.

You keep saying you’re a professional and I think you’re in the ‘how can this be happening to us’ stage. We had no drugs or sex stuff but we were also blinded by the ‘we do everything right, we’ve gone about everything the right way and given them all they need how can he suddenly not be going to school/ staying up all night/ telling us to fuck off, slamming the door, shouting etc etc?’ You need to forget that and figure out when she changed and get back to having a daughter. Unless she’s evil (I mean film evil!!) chances are she feels out of control and would welcome help.

The untidy room (which you and dh can fix), smoking, eating etc isn’t something that harms your family really, the being angry, the arguing, shouting and the sex is so there’s where you need to start. Try to talk and if she doesn’t listen make her some of her favourite food and leave her to it. Maybe try the next day. No blame, no questions just ‘god it’s awful weather’ or ‘oh my god remember this (random thing in her room). Buy her a bloody care bear or something that reminds her she’s a human child!!!!!!

And consider moving and commuting, working less (same with your dh). Break down the problem and work on it. No matter what goes on in our house at least now our son chats to us, laughs with us and is relaxed and the others now aren’t nervous of him. We have our little boy back. You can get your little girl back

Wow some harsh responses on here especially the ones who are saying ADHD does not cause this behaviour 🤨 I'm 43 now and was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 20s and my parents literally had no choice but to put me in care when I was a teenager, I was an absolute cunt tbh and there's nothing anyone could have done to make me behave differently and I was affecting my siblings badly. I look back now and I honestly don't know what anyone could have done to fix the situation and I know the choice my parents took was a difficult one but it's one I absolutely do not blame them for. No daddy issues or abuse either before anyone suggests that lol. I nearly broke my family so all these lovely suggestions of sitting down with her and having a nice bloody chat will not work but please continue to judge

I live in the countryside and would like
to clarify there are absolutely men and drugs here. A teen who wants to could absolutely arrange hook ups on Snapchat etc.

Of course they can but my 1 year old hits me when he gets frustrated. Is he an abuser? There’s a sliding scale of responsibility and a 15 year old isn’t quite there yet.

I meant I was brought up in the countryside. I'd have to walk a mile to find an irregular bus.

Sure- I could have contacted a predator to come pick me up.

This is about reducing risk rather than getting rid of it- when is impossible

This is exactly what happens though, they contact a predator online, they all have their own cars or access to them, and they come meet them. I have first hand experience of this.

Sounds like a nightmare! I hope someone who dealt with similar can give you good advice to help your daughter. It is the parents responsibility and there is not way around that. I can’t imagine dealing with something like that but reassure her that you are there for her.