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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you read their texts?

135 replies

MrsSnape · 31/03/2008 21:25

If your teens have mobiles, do you sneak a look at their texts or completely respect their privacy?

OP posts:
minorityrules · 01/04/2008 22:49

vintage, you are just being nosy, she hasn't given you any reason to look at her texts or email but you do it anyway

I trust mine to take my guidance and so far (with a few tiny blips) they have, they trust me to be fair and honest. They tell me where they are and who they are with, they happily bring friends/partners home to meet me and I will never betray the trust they have in me. I am still their parent and not their friend (getting more friendly with the older 2 tho, 18 & 19) They know to break my trust would mean hell to get it back

They also have access to my bank card and pin no and eldest now has a partner card on my credit card. I trust them, they trust me, we have to earn it as much as they do, it isn't a right. As madamez says, when do you stop?

CoolYerBoots · 01/04/2008 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

vInTaGeVioLeT · 01/04/2008 23:01

minority - how the hell do you know she's given me no reason to look? do you know me?

i'm pleased that you have such a good relationship with your kids

getmeouttahere · 01/04/2008 23:03

I agree, my main concern is not a paedophile although it is something I am aware of.

I also don't check up on her for want of something better to do. I have enough to do!

Its late, I have stated my case.

I also feel a slight patronizing undertone creeping in. Please do not think for one minute I "snoop" instead of speaking to her about stranger danger or how not to get involved in cyber-bullying bitchery.

Time to close for me.

nappyaddict · 01/04/2008 23:47

hatrick - i used to do that too. that is why when any children i have are old enough i will say to them you can have these things on the condition that occasionally i can have access to them. if they want to cover their tracks fine there's not much i can do about it, but if there was something they wanted to tell me but didn't know how the option would be there.

Rosbo · 02/04/2008 01:42

I don't read my DC's texts, or look at their emails, msn or whatever else. This is partly because they have their on laptops so difficult for me to anyway, and because their mobiles are always with them.
But tbh, I wouldn't anyway!! What if your 15 year old read your texts and emails, how would you feel?! invaded!

cory · 02/04/2008 08:21

seeker on Tue 01-Apr-08 22:48:41
"And no, I am not thinking of paedophiles. I'm sure it does happen, but it is not a concern of mine in this context. What I am concerned about is "cyberbullying" for want of a better word, and the exchanging of disturbing and unpleasant images. "

I still don't see how this is different to RL bullying. Would you go following your teenager down the road and listen in to their private conversations to make sure they're not being bullied? Or that nobody slips them a disturbing image in the girls' loo. Yet we all know that these things happen.

To my mind, teaching them to recognise bullying- any bullying- when it's happening and ask for help, is the way to go.

seeker · 02/04/2008 08:41

I wouldn't follow her down the street, no. (She's not a teenager, by the way, she's 12)

But if she is with a group of people, I would hope that at least some of them would be looking out for each other. Very different from getting a vile message sent to your phone at 11.00 at night.

I have access to her phone etc with her consent. When she doesn't want me to have access any more, I will reconsider. But by then I expect her to be so used to using this sort of technology that she will be able to look after herself. Part of that learning process is discussing with me what goes on her Bebo, what sort of messages are OK to send and receive, and how to look after herself and other people.

harleyd · 02/04/2008 08:48

if the teenagers have any sense they will just have passwords on their phone so the snooping parents cant read them

seeker · 02/04/2008 08:53

I wish people would stop talking about snooping. It is not snooping if it is done with the child's consent.

madamez · 02/04/2008 09:53

Seeker. i'm not sure about this consent-to-snooping thing. People do 'consent' to letting someone in a position of power do stuff that the person consenting really doesn't feel is right or fair, but doesn't have the option of refusing.

harleyd · 02/04/2008 09:55

they are entitled to privacy

seeker · 02/04/2008 10:23

But the truth is that in a family the power does rest with the parents. I let my children have far more freedom and autonomy than a lot of other children have. But the fact remains that my dd is 12 (as I said, not a teenager) and she has been bullied in the past. I have a duty to do all I can to help her learn to look after herself and to protect her. In reality I very rarely look at her messages - I would probably have to shoot myself because of the level of illiteracy. And I never look at her diary or even go into her room without express permission.

Divvy · 02/04/2008 10:25

If you can read and understand them, go ahead!

magnolia74 · 02/04/2008 10:55

'if the teenagers have any sense they will just have passwords on their phone so the snooping parents cant read them'

And if my daughter did that she would no longer have a mobile phone

Sorry but to be honest I couldn't give a toss who thinks its invading privacy ect.... She is 12, I am her parent and I will do as I see fit

Of course as she gets older she is entitled to more and more privacy but at 12 she is a child whether she likes it or not....

Do you lot knock on your 5 year olds bedroom door and ask to enter? No of course not!! Why not? I mean after all they are entitled to their privavcy are they not

Its a parents decision when their child has more privacy and children vary as to when they need it. I am the only one who needs to make those decisions for my children.

seeker · 02/04/2008 11:21

I actually did knock on my 5 year old's door.....

seeker · 02/04/2008 11:22

And if they didn't want me to come in, I didn't.

unknownrebelbang · 02/04/2008 11:25

I avoid going into their bedrooms at all costs!

Or send DH.

ktmoomoo · 02/04/2008 11:27

i agree totally with magnolia my son knows the rules and he ok with them too x

getmeouttahere · 02/04/2008 11:35

Blimey, is this thread still going ?

This issue seems to bring out a lot of strong opposing feelings.

Bottom line though, is it really crime of the century to go that one step further in trying to protect our children.

ktmoomoo · 02/04/2008 11:37

well said hun

getmeouttahere · 02/04/2008 11:40

It would be interesting if the OP (mrsSnape) came back and gave us an indication as to which way her decision is going after reading all these differing viewpoints.

I assume she originally posted the question as she was wavering between monitoring her dc stuff/maintaining privacy.

random · 02/04/2008 12:02

Theres no way I would enter my 15 year old sons room withour knocking ..but thats a whole other thread

MissPaulaYates · 02/04/2008 12:04

madamez what vitriolic rubbish

annemarie29 · 02/04/2008 12:27

i don't read my sons texts but i do occasionally read his msn. he has had some issues on there recently with ppl using each others msn ids to cause trouble and he's been caught in the crossfire so he asks my opinion a lot atm. but i don't do it otherwise. he has facebook and bebo but he knows what is safe and not safe to put on them.
he's 10 btw and i trust him.