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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to support sexually active underage teen

123 replies

sheenaisapunkrocker · 15/04/2024 23:06

Ds is year 10 and has had a gf for about a year. Theyre both shy, quiet types, (she has bad anxiety) but he does come to me with his worries. He's disclosed that they are experimenting sexually and panicked because he ejaculated close to her vulva. I reassured him that pregnancy is unlikely, but in the future it is not worth the risk or worry and to use condoms when intimate, even if they are not ready for full sex. I reiterated that there is no pressure. He wasn't sure how to get condoms, unsure if he was allowed to buy them. I explained how/where they can be obtained, and also said I would buy some, as I'd rather he was safe.

I told my partner (not DS's Dad - we are divorced) and partner told me very bluntly that if I buy condoms I am giving them the green light for sex and what a bad idea this us as they are immature and not ready to handle any consequences. If it's relevant, partner has no kids of his own.

How should I handle DS's disclosure? Continue with the safe sex message and practical help to get contraceptives; or as partner thinks, try and steer him away from gf? I was really confident in my response until partenr challenged me, now I'm not so sure. Thoughts, please 🙏

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 15/04/2024 23:09

Your response was correct.
Your partner sounds like an idiot.

Sexually active teens need the right information, so that unwanted pregnancy/STIs do not occur.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/04/2024 23:11

You were correct, especially as you said wearing a condom good idea even if not penetration, but also you should give a reminder about consent (both ways) so that no one feels pressure to go further than they have done in any kind of rush

nocoolnamesleft · 15/04/2024 23:11

Sexually active underage teens is not great. But it's far better than unprotected sexually active underage teens. Or pregnant underage teen girlfriend. Buy the condoms.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/04/2024 23:12

Ps I hope my son can come to me with worries like this one day you sound like a Great mum

belfastjun · 15/04/2024 23:14

You were right. Your partner is an idiot. They're not going to stop experimenting if you refuse to buy them condoms - they'll just buy their own or continue unprotected leading to higher risks!

Aydel · 15/04/2024 23:16

Also tell your son to practise putting them on when he is on his own, not at the crucial moment for the first time.

Original poster
sheenaisapunkrocker · 15/04/2024 23:17

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/04/2024 23:11

You were correct, especially as you said wearing a condom good idea even if not penetration, but also you should give a reminder about consent (both ways) so that no one feels pressure to go further than they have done in any kind of rush

Yes! It's in my mind to revisit consent now that they are at this point; we've discussed it before, but it's seemed more abstract than it is now.

OP posts:
Original poster
sheenaisapunkrocker · 15/04/2024 23:18

belfastjun · 15/04/2024 23:14

You were right. Your partner is an idiot. They're not going to stop experimenting if you refuse to buy them condoms - they'll just buy their own or continue unprotected leading to higher risks!

This is my worry

OP posts:
Original poster
sheenaisapunkrocker · 15/04/2024 23:19

Aydel · 15/04/2024 23:16

Also tell your son to practise putting them on when he is on his own, not at the crucial moment for the first time.

This is a great idea, thank you

OP posts:
ClawdiaCattipuss · 15/04/2024 23:22

You're right to an extent but I'd be coming down a little heavier on him being under age and the issues that can bring up

I wouldn't want to condone this so I'd be looking for a middle ground of stressing to him how sex at his age is not a good idea and why, along with advice on being sensible / using contraception / how to use it etc etc

Of course he will do exactly as he pleases and honest to keep the communication doors open but you can do this without giving a total green light

mathanxiety · 15/04/2024 23:25

The GF might well have started her periods. While condoms are sensible, you need to do far more to protect them both. They are far too young for sexual activity.

Your husband is right, and you need to pull the finger out. I can't believe some of the replies here - these are children and this is a safeguarding issue.

Get your child into some kind of after school activity (or more then one) and supervise him better.

You need to inform the other child's parents too.

Where did they even get the idea of experimenting with sexual activity? This is all very unusual and not at all ok.

Upinthenightagain · 15/04/2024 23:26

I’d be discouraging it tbh. Old enough to have sex then old enough to buy some condoms. Have you spoken to the girls parents? When and where are they having sex?

Screamingabdabz · 15/04/2024 23:26

I agree with pp about consent and condoms but don’t just reduce it to simply that. I would be framing it within a wider conversation about both enjoying it, respect and that sexuality isn’t just penetration or ejaculation. It’s about how she is feeling too.

SemperIdem · 15/04/2024 23:27

I’d not be thrilled at the idea but ultimately, they will experiment and doing so in an informed and safe way is key. So I’d focus on that and also be pleased that I was confided in, even if I didn’t exactly like what I was being told.

Earwiggoearwiggoearwiggo · 15/04/2024 23:30

mathanxiety · 15/04/2024 23:25

The GF might well have started her periods. While condoms are sensible, you need to do far more to protect them both. They are far too young for sexual activity.

Your husband is right, and you need to pull the finger out. I can't believe some of the replies here - these are children and this is a safeguarding issue.

Get your child into some kind of after school activity (or more then one) and supervise him better.

You need to inform the other child's parents too.

Where did they even get the idea of experimenting with sexual activity? This is all very unusual and not at all ok.

Year 10 means they are probably 15 by this point in the school year, not exactly abnormal to be interested in sex by this point....

I think you did great, OP- sound advice and I think your son is likely to keep turnng to you in the future about these things because you've kept communication constructive and non judgemental. Well done.

HarrietSchulenberg · 15/04/2024 23:30

Better to be safe than sorry and your approach is very sensible as they're experimenting anyway. The advice about discussing consent is also sound.
Does the girl have a good relationship with her parents as they need to have similar conversations with their daughter?

TheShellBeach · 15/04/2024 23:31

Where did they even get the idea of experimenting with sexual activity? This is all very unusual and not at all ok.

@mathanxiety it's not at all unusual at their age! It's normal. They need information.

Haggisfish3 · 15/04/2024 23:31

mathanxiety · 15/04/2024 23:25

The GF might well have started her periods. While condoms are sensible, you need to do far more to protect them both. They are far too young for sexual activity.

Your husband is right, and you need to pull the finger out. I can't believe some of the replies here - these are children and this is a safeguarding issue.

Get your child into some kind of after school activity (or more then one) and supervise him better.

You need to inform the other child's parents too.

Where did they even get the idea of experimenting with sexual activity? This is all very unusual and not at all ok.

This is absolute nonsense and scaremongering at its finest. It is not unusual to be experimenting like this in year ten at all. Lots of research backs the idea that informing teenagers about safe sec and being practically minded does NOT encourage them. They will do it if they want to. Your approach is absolutely the correct one and your dh is utterly wrong.

TheShellBeach · 15/04/2024 23:32

The GF might well have started her periods.

I daresay she has, at age 15.

Toptotoe · 15/04/2024 23:33

Be careful - this should not be happening in your house especially if the girl is as young as him which I’m guessing she is.
You could be seen to be aiding and abetting a criminal offence - ie underage sex. Think about how her parents will react if / when they find out you have been enabling this in your home. Please tread very carefully with this.

chamena · 15/04/2024 23:33

Are people reading this as age 10 rather than year 10?

SemperIdem · 15/04/2024 23:34

mathanxiety · 15/04/2024 23:25

The GF might well have started her periods. While condoms are sensible, you need to do far more to protect them both. They are far too young for sexual activity.

Your husband is right, and you need to pull the finger out. I can't believe some of the replies here - these are children and this is a safeguarding issue.

Get your child into some kind of after school activity (or more then one) and supervise him better.

You need to inform the other child's parents too.

Where did they even get the idea of experimenting with sexual activity? This is all very unusual and not at all ok.

They’re 15 not 5. It isn’t unusual at all.

I didn’t actually have sex until later but was experimenting at that age. Many of my peers were having sex at this age.

JamNittyGritty · 15/04/2024 23:34

mathanxiety · 15/04/2024 23:25

The GF might well have started her periods. While condoms are sensible, you need to do far more to protect them both. They are far too young for sexual activity.

Your husband is right, and you need to pull the finger out. I can't believe some of the replies here - these are children and this is a safeguarding issue.

Get your child into some kind of after school activity (or more then one) and supervise him better.

You need to inform the other child's parents too.

Where did they even get the idea of experimenting with sexual activity? This is all very unusual and not at all ok.

Just checking you get that the child is year 10 so aged around 15, not 10 years old? Sexual experimentation at this age is really normal- whether we think it’s too young or not.

OP my 15 year old dd was in a long term relationship. We discussed consent, boundaries, respect, STI, pregnancy and contraception. I did say I felt she was young but better to be informed and open and to equip with the knowledge to make good choices. Preaching abstinence is not effective when it comes to teens at this age!

Original poster
sheenaisapunkrocker · 15/04/2024 23:35

Toptotoe · 15/04/2024 23:33

Be careful - this should not be happening in your house especially if the girl is as young as him which I’m guessing she is.
You could be seen to be aiding and abetting a criminal offence - ie underage sex. Think about how her parents will react if / when they find out you have been enabling this in your home. Please tread very carefully with this.

It wasn't in my home.

OP posts:
Onehappymam · 15/04/2024 23:36

Some of the replies on this thread are nuts.

They are 15! And they haven’t had sex yet.

The fact that he shared this with you speaks volumes about your relationship with him. You should be proud of that and I think you handled it perfectly.