How to support sexually active underage teen

[sheenaisapunkrocker]

Ds is year 10 and has had a gf for about a year. Theyre both shy, quiet types, (she has bad anxiety) but he does come to me with his worries. He's disclosed that they are experimenting sexually and panicked because he ejaculated close to her vulva. I reassured him that pregnancy is unlikely, but in the future it is not worth the risk or worry and to use condoms when intimate, even if they are not ready for full sex. I reiterated that there is no pressure. He wasn't sure how to get condoms, unsure if he was allowed to buy them. I explained how/where they can be obtained, and also said I would buy some, as I'd rather he was safe.

I told my partner (not DS's Dad - we are divorced) and partner told me very bluntly that if I buy condoms I am giving them the green light for sex and what a bad idea this us as they are immature and not ready to handle any consequences. If it's relevant, partner has no kids of his own.

How should I handle DS's disclosure? Continue with the safe sex message and practical help to get contraceptives; or as partner thinks, try and steer him away from gf? I was really confident in my response until partenr challenged me, now I'm not so sure. Thoughts, please 🙏

Where did they get the idea of experimenting sexually? By year 10 I think they are well aware of sex and I'd rather my 15 year old was open and came to me with questions than worrying/wondering in silence.

I don't think an after school activity is going to distract them into not thinking about sex!!

Orrrr how about you let them figure it out and navigate the challenges involved in that rather than being helicopter parent.

God, when I was 15 I was desperate for a boyfriend to crack on with. Thinking about it it probably would have been healthier to have had an age appropriate relationship with a peer than the inevitable depressing internet hole I had to resort to. Probably even worse these days with how accessible that stuff is nowadays

You sound like a wonderful mum. So impressed that your son can talk so openly with you. You are absolutely right. Hope you can continue to keep the lines of communication open.

Exactly this situation happened with a neighbours child , her parents were blindsided as they had no idea she was experimenting or even had a boyfriend , she was a well loved and protected child but she became pregnant, she always insisted he had not been fully intimate with her ,they were both naive kids and paid the price , you are an excellent mum who has handled this very well . Teenagers don’t always give parents the full truth and you may think you know your child but you don’t.

yes but which decade ? I am thinking 1890's

Some people are very naive or have kids who haven't had a relationship until older or demonstrated any interest, which is fine but doesn't make ones who do wrong.

Even in my days, in a very conservative countries where we were watched like hawks, (couldn't do anything or go anywhere), we got up to all sorts from age 13/14. I dare say we were way more promiscuous probably because of the restrictions.

I think if you “need” support to organize contraception you shouldn’t be having sex, or pulling out or whatever he actually did.

It’s such a good way for young people to self test their readiness: am I able to organize my own contraception/ STI test and treatment/ Pregnancy test/Abortion.
If you answer no to any of these questions you aren’t ready for sex, and other people won’t thank you for making a mess someone else cleans up for you.

I am also scoffing at the “heritability” of early sexual activity. Apart from the fact of it being disgusting to start grooming other female family members that “We start early” with such tales. Girls are not well served by this.

But it’s not working. These two 15 year olds are having sex or almost having sex despite not having organized proper contraception and sexual health care. All I’m suggesting OP does is sit down with her kid, tell him he needs to take responsibility for this, and possibly call the clinic and then hand him the phone. It’s a push in the right direction that he apparently needs. And it will likely have a positive follow on effect with peers - once one has figured out how to make use of the health services available to them they will share that info with peers who ask. And they will ask if they need it and they won’t ask if they don’t. Do you have no memory of your teenage years? I don’t think early sexual activity is heritable but more likely to spread among peer groups, which parents have little control over by this age.

@LeoTheLeopard
Also, encouraging a young female (or male) family member to see a health professional when confronted with evidence that they may be starting a sexual relationship is absolutely not grooming. And you can push them to see a nurse/dr and also tell them you feel they are too young at the same time.

I can't believe you think like this, knowing the DCs are 15 (or at least almost 15).
I assumed you misread and thought they were 10.

Well thanks for that. Do I wish I had waited ? Not particularly, does Dd wish she had waited ? Not hugely she said she was quite glad to " get it over with". Am I pleased that she could tell me and I could support her sorting out contraception ? Absolutely.

Here is an article outlining the genetic link

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/apr/18/genes-influence-the-age-at-which-you-lose-your-virginity-first-sex-dna

You should not have breached your son's trust by disclosing anything to anyone, including your partner.

If your son wanted your partner to know he would have told him himself.

If your son wanted your partner's opinion on his sex life, he would have asked him himself.

Best hope your son doesn't find out you let him down so badly.

😂😂They are YEAR 10 not AGE 10.

15/16 year olds are all heading into sexual territory by then.

The fact that they only thought of contraception after the fact is how the OP should realise her DS and his GF are in fact children, whose prefrontal cortexes are still not developed enough to make good decisions, to plan well, and to accept and anticipate consequences of their actions.

And they're apparently living in such a bubble that despite sex ed in school they're unaware of the need for contraception or the community resources available to them to avail of to make sex safe. Maybe they thought all the cautions and the information from the classroom were for other people? These children are not mature enough to be having sex.

Parents can have a huge amount of influence over their teens. It's a cop out to just shrug and suggest they have no way to redirect them when they're clearly playing with fire.

@mathanxiety on what planet are you living on???

I don't think many people here would argue against the fact that 15 year olds are generally not mature or responsible enough for sex but most people are having sex at 15/16. That is just REALITY. Not ideal. But reality.

OP is doing the right thing by having an open and honest conversation about sex with her son and promoting safe sex and consent.

Do you understand that NOT doing this will not be a deterrent? That you cannot shame or guilt teenagers into abstinence?? This has been evidence repeatedly.

They will do it regardless and become more sneaky. This leaves them even more vulnerable to teen pregnancy and STIs. This is something everyone knows!!

God I think back to my school days and have a distinct memory of being in my geography class in YEAR 7 and 2 boys next to me were talking and laughing about and I quote "shoving 3 fingers up her f*nny". Aged 11/12. It shocked me personally that's why it's a memory I have. But it was typical. I heard it all the time. Another memory that's just spring to mind was girls talking about a boys penis and describing it as a cocktail sausage. Again. YEAR 7. That was 20+ years ago.

Things are SO MUCH WORSE now 😂 it would make your hair curl if you spent a day invisible in a secondary school.

Seriously, look at the general consensus here, you are wildly out of touch with teenagers. Wildly.

@mathanxiety The parents of kids at my school who thought their kids were angels and lectured the other parents or didn't allow their kids to go to parties because of booze or interactions with the other sex, either ended up raising complete rebels who did MORE naughty stuff than the rest of us, or complete introverts who really struggled to integrate.

I absolutely agree that they are too young and immature at 15 to be having sex. But I think how parents and healthcare providers deal with this common situation should be judged on the frequency of adverse outcomes.
So we can try telling 15 year olds that they are too young to have sex and should absolutely not be doing it and that they need to wait till they are older. This will work on some kids. Other kids will just hide their behavior and will take more risks - they won’t use condoms if they can’t get hold of them without their parents finding out for example. They won’t sort out hormonal contraception if they are worried about being found out or if they think a dr won’t help because they are underage.
Or we can tell 15year olds who are starting to have sexual relationships that we think they are too young, but it’s their choice then give them a little push to take charge of their health and contraception. This approach might result in more sex happening among this age group, because some of the kids who would have been scared off by being told to wait won’t wait. And maybe those who would have risked it anyway will have more sex when the risks are reduced. But overall this approach ends up with fewer unwanted pregnancies and reduces transmission of STIs. It also gives teens more opportunities to speak to professionals (eg. A sexual health nurse) or indeed their parents, about any of the social or relationship problems that they might be experiencing. It’s much easier to tell someone that you want to break up with your bf but he’s threatening to tell everyone you had sex if you do if you know you aren’t going to get into trouble over it. In fact the threat becomes useless and the situation is less likely to occur in the first place.

Whilst I agree, that wasn’t the point I was referring to. It’s the framing of early sex as something that the girls in that family do which is grooming.

In terms of this case, it seems that OP’s son hasn’t been told that sex is only for people who are able to look after their own health and that of their partner. He hasn’t been taught how to assess his own maturity, and therefore it hasn’t occurred to him that he should consider doing that. He knows he’s supposed to use a condom, but expects other people to organize them for him.

It’s such a good way for young people to self test their readiness: am I able to organize my own contraception/ STI test and treatment/ Pregnancy test/Abortion.
If you answer no to any of these questions you aren’t ready for sex, and other people won’t thank you for making a mess someone else cleans up for you.

That's hysterical! I can just imagine 2 ultra-randy 15 year olds deciding to "self-test" their readiness for sex! Er .... just hang on a minute, I need to self-test!

The OP has done all the right things. Nothing is gained by actions or comments that will shut off communication. The prevention of STIs and pregnancy must come top of the list. But I would also add in the potential emotional aspects - especially for girls, opening oneself up (I use the words intentionally) to such an intimate relationship is to make oneself vulnerable. Your son needs to know that he has the potential to hurt her emotionally so he needs to tread with care. I thin that this is the aspect where he is too young and his inexperience could lead to unhappiness.

He is putting a toe in the water of adult relationships as is to be expected - he needs to know that his parents are there with a life jacket and a life raft. Well done for bringing him up to feel able to communicate with you.

Of course you can only imagine two randy teenagers, because you can’t imagine saying to them much earlier (like at 13/14) here’s how you might know you aren’t ready- even if you feel like you want to.

You’re right that he is putting a toe (except it isn’t his toe, is it?) into adult relationships. That means he has to start to accept there are more adult consequences, not all of which he can be shielded from.

I would also be wondering why OP is not mentioning to him that having sex with a teenager who can’t organize her own contraception is asking for trouble that no one can bail him out of.

Clearly, he trusts you and you are obviously a good mum!
That's amazing he can talk to you about it. Well done for supporting him. I would do the same.
Talk to him about underaged sex, but it's highly unlikely to stop him. At least he will be safe.

What happened to growing up and learning about life and relationships and oneself sans DCs at 15
@sheenaisapunkrocker sorry for the slight derail

Also remember, one size condom doesn't fit all, too big and it could slip off or leak, too small and it could break or be too uncomfortable for him and he'll rip it off, get him a few sizes and just say it shouldn't be too tight or too loose, it should go over the head with a bit of resistance