How to support sexually active underage teen

[sheenaisapunkrocker]

Ds is year 10 and has had a gf for about a year. Theyre both shy, quiet types, (she has bad anxiety) but he does come to me with his worries. He's disclosed that they are experimenting sexually and panicked because he ejaculated close to her vulva. I reassured him that pregnancy is unlikely, but in the future it is not worth the risk or worry and to use condoms when intimate, even if they are not ready for full sex. I reiterated that there is no pressure. He wasn't sure how to get condoms, unsure if he was allowed to buy them. I explained how/where they can be obtained, and also said I would buy some, as I'd rather he was safe.

I told my partner (not DS's Dad - we are divorced) and partner told me very bluntly that if I buy condoms I am giving them the green light for sex and what a bad idea this us as they are immature and not ready to handle any consequences. If it's relevant, partner has no kids of his own.

How should I handle DS's disclosure? Continue with the safe sex message and practical help to get contraceptives; or as partner thinks, try and steer him away from gf? I was really confident in my response until partenr challenged me, now I'm not so sure. Thoughts, please 🙏

@mathanxiety Is that what you were doing at that age?

OP, I think it's lovely he can speak openly to you and I really hope my son will feel he can too. I also think it's lovely to be able to experiment in an actual relationship rather than random snogging and fumblings (and more) at parties or in parks. I was with my first boyfriend from 12-19 whereas most of my friends had experiences they regretted and felt ashamed of.

Buy the condoms!! I would rather buy them and have reassurance that they will be having safe sex rather than unprotected sex. You should be so proud of your relationship with your child that they could be open and honest with you about this.

I love how you're doubling down @mathanxiety instead of just admitting you thought they were 10 😂

Yeah, math is right. Take the condoms away and hand your son a football instead. That'll sort it out 😂

I think some mumsnetters live on another planet.

Sounds like you've handled it well OP, be proud that you have that open relationship with your son.

But... when people are talking about the age of their child, I do wish they'd mention the actual age, rather than school year- not every school year works the same way.

How lovely that your son feels comfortable asking for your advice on this! As others have said, go ahead with buying condoms but also maybe tell him how he can buy them himself for next time. Do talk to him about female contraception, STis, consent, pregnancy, even lubrication (for her sake!). And yes absolutely no photos or videos.

Re telling the girl’s mum, i wouldn’t unless you raise it with your son first. I think trust goes both ways here and he needs to continue to trust you.

@mathanxiety what on earth are you on about? You do realise it’s a matter of months until they are of legal age? Many many people i know were having sex at that age.

That's what I was thinking too 😂

I think as adults most of us know that 15, 16, and even 17 yr old kids aren’t anywhere near mature enough really to be having sex.

But we also know despite that, they are having sex - because most of us also were at that age 😂😂

It would be great if they held off until they’d matured a bit - but pigs might fly first.

They’re exploring exciting new feelings and with the flush of teen hormones, sex is something that’s very hard to ignore.

Most of my classmates were sexually active at age 15, with a couple starting at around 14. A small minority were 16 or over. 15/16 is perfectly normal.

With the benefit of hindsight and the wisdom of age it’s fairly obvious that sex at such a young age is not ideal. But no teenager is going to listen to that viewpoint once their interest in sex has been awakened. So the next best thing is to emphasise safety and consent.

Countries that proactively offer sex education at younger ages have fewer teen pregnancies etc. Being open, honest, and practical is the way to go.

I absolutely wouldn’t tell her mum - but I’d encourage your DS to get her to do so. Trust is very important in relationships between a teen and their parent - it can also be very fragile. Telling her mum would break his trust - and it’s not your place. GPs and medical professionals can withhold things from parents at that age so I don’t think there’s any obligation on you to inform another parent.

It sounds like you’ve really nailed parenting a teen - genuinely, great to see.

The only kids among my classmates and my own DCs' classmates who were sexually active at 15 (a tiny minority of teens in my experience) were kids who were not focused to the extent they should have been on preparing for their future.

This is unusual behaviour and parents shouldn't be condoning it. It has the potential to have disastrous consequences for the girl in particular, and if the OP won't talk to her parents, then she needs to sit down with this girl and talk to her herself.

There is too much at stake here to simply shrug and let yourself believe this is normal and everyone is doing it, and trust these children to make the right decision about condoms every time they have sex. Even fully grown adults don't manage that.

@sheenaisapunkrocker
Careful, lawful and respectful is how I've educated my grown up DC's.
It's going ok so far.

Year ten, not aged 10.
they are probably 15

Seriously? They’re 15. It’s the most normal thing in the world.
Seems he’s found an after school activity already 😆

I think OP said year 10 so age 14/15 not aged 10.

Sorry, everything you’re saying is bollocks and way ott. You have no idea who is sexually active and who isn’t. It also has no correlation to their future. Two women i know who were sexually active at 15 were privately educated, got medical degrees and are both in good relationships now.

I had my first serial relationship aged 15, as did many of my peers. I was with him for 4 years (this was unusal to be fair) and it was lovely. We still talk now. I hit all of my developmental milestones, got good GCSEs and Alevels, managed to play in the orchestra and do all sorts of after school activities and went to University unharmed by this. Some very weird ideas on this thread 😅

Age at first sexual encounter is highly heritable. DGM ( born 1919)was 15, DM ( born 1949) was 15, I ( born 1979) was 15, DD ( Born 2006) was nearly 15.

We are ( were in the case of DGM) all fine. It is normal.

@mathanxiety Genuinely then, how would you deal with it?

I’m really baffled as to why your partner thinks not having contraception would be a deterrent for ds and parter sexually experimenting, given that it wasn’t before? Was your partner never a teenager? Did they miss that stage? You did the right thing. Revisit consent and healthy relationships and explore how he can secure condoms independently in the future.

Why does he sound like an idiot for having a perfectly reasonable response?

OP, your response was perfect, but I can see where your partner is coming from as they are very young.

Edit: I thought that said aged 10.. not year 10! Need put my glasses on !

In my sleep deprived state I mis-read OP and thought this was about 10 year olds. But re-read and saw it was about year 10s! I was initially surprised at how calm the replies were but glad I re-read it 😄

agree with pp that support and openness along with revisiting discussions round consent is a great way to manage this. Well done for having such a great relationship with your so. That he is coming to you on this.

Honestly, the level of reading comprehension here is shocking. But OP why didn’t you write their actual age instead of this “year 10” nonsense?

@sheenaisapunkrocker I think you handled it really well. Of course it would be better if they weren't sexually active so young- but they are. We have to deal with where we are, rather than where we wish we were. , I had an open basket on the windowsill in the bathroom with things that visiting teens (we were the "meeting" house because of where we were) might need and could help themselves to. It started with tampons and towels and some (incredibly cheap!) pants and at about this age I added some condoms. I didn't want them to have sex, but I wanted them to get pregnant even less.

Incidentally, the only thing you did that I may not have down is tell his father. But it's done now. Stick to your guns. You are absolutely in the right.

Where did they even get the idea of experimenting with sexual activity? This is all very unusual and not at all ok

Not if you remember being 15 very well? I wasn't sexually active but that was definitely unusual at my school.

OP I'd praise him for talking to you. Get the condoms. Talk to him about enthusiastic consent and, like the PP said, get him to practice putting on condoms on his own.

I'd also suggest you have a chat about underage sex and the law and encourage him to talk to his GF about what contraception she'd like them both to use long term.

They have had sex. He’s ejaculated on her vulva region and she potentially could be pregnant!

For fuck’s sake. Just admit your first insane response was because you thought they were ten.

They’re a few months off the ‘age of consent’. Nothing magically changes once you become 16.