How to support sexually active underage teen

[sheenaisapunkrocker]

Ds is year 10 and has had a gf for about a year. Theyre both shy, quiet types, (she has bad anxiety) but he does come to me with his worries. He's disclosed that they are experimenting sexually and panicked because he ejaculated close to her vulva. I reassured him that pregnancy is unlikely, but in the future it is not worth the risk or worry and to use condoms when intimate, even if they are not ready for full sex. I reiterated that there is no pressure. He wasn't sure how to get condoms, unsure if he was allowed to buy them. I explained how/where they can be obtained, and also said I would buy some, as I'd rather he was safe.

I told my partner (not DS's Dad - we are divorced) and partner told me very bluntly that if I buy condoms I am giving them the green light for sex and what a bad idea this us as they are immature and not ready to handle any consequences. If it's relevant, partner has no kids of his own.

How should I handle DS's disclosure? Continue with the safe sex message and practical help to get contraceptives; or as partner thinks, try and steer him away from gf? I was really confident in my response until partenr challenged me, now I'm not so sure. Thoughts, please 🙏

I would provide condoms too, as I wouldn't want an underage pregnancy to happen.

I think you should help him make an appointment at a GUM clinic or GP. It’s obviously less useful for him than for her, but the nurse or doctor will sort him out with whatever the easiest way to get free or cheap condoms is in your area and explain that condoms+a hormonal method for his gf would be a good idea if she wants to avoid pregnancy, check him for STIs etc. Once he’s been to the clinic and seen how it works then hopefully she’ll want to go too, either on her own or involving her mum if she wants that support.

@SabertoothKwazi

Because that's such a good use for a GP or GUM appointment.🤔

Yes, I think it really is. GUM clinic would be better. It’ll get him on whatever system there is in their area for getting condoms to sexually active teens. He will see the clinic and figure out how it all works which will make it much easier for him to sort STI tests whenever it’s appropriate. It’s preventative medicine. Far better to get a 15 year old just starting to become sexually active used to managing his own sexual health now rather than wait until his gf has an unwanted pregnancy or he potentially contracts an infection and spreads it

Thank you for your suggestions - some good ideas to develop the conversation here

Another good option to look into is whether there’s a school nurse attached to his school who he could see.

I just wanted to add my experience too here. Mum of 4. Older 3 didn't have relationships until 16 plus.

Youngest DD started seeing a boy at 13, in year 8 and now in year 9 and age 14 still with him a year later. For those of you who think being busy will stop them, both of them are the busiest out of all the kids I know. They go to school 6 days a week, 7:30 til 6pm. They do high level sports (county etc) out of school, DofE, etc and both have a full social life.

Despite being this busy, they find time for their relationship and so far it's gone ok. Back to the OP, these two are not interested in sex yet but I am sure they are experimenting (100% sure) and I have had all the talks several times, much to her dissatisfaction and protesting. His mum and I talk regularly too.

I have made it clear that I would rather they waited until they are more mature and there is no rush but like others said, next year at 15/16 that will go out of the window. In my eldest years at 16 very many of them were having sex. Many not in a relationship, just at parties etc and I would much rather it was in a relationship but that's just me. I doubt most parents are even aware.

It’s not really “very unusual” for 15 year olds.

Condoms on their own are not enough.

Have you ever been a teenager? This is so out of touch lol

This is a load of rubbish. Yes it’s technically below the age of consent but it’s different as they’re both underage. And it’s so common.

I think it’s great he’s come to you-ideally he should buy condoms himself but you can help him know where to buy them, or get them free at a sexual health clinic. Talk about consent and respect. And also suggest he talks to his GF about her using birth control, condoms are not 100%. I went on pill age 15.

Your username is fitting.

I have experience here, my DD was 15 when she started having sex with her also 15 year-old boyfriend.

We had a long conversation about tue emotional impact of a sexually active relationship as well as the physical safety side (which she already knew as I'd been having age-appropriate conversations since they stated secondary school).

I told her I thought it was on the young side, we spoke with her therapist about it too.

And then we went to the Dr's and arranged contraception (including a big pile of condoms).

Ultimately, you're not going to stop 15 year-olds experimenting sexually. Better they do it in a safe way, and are understanding of all the potential pitfalls, than just doing it in secret and getting themselves into a mess.

And the authorities would in no way be interested in a sexually consensual relationship between two 15 year olds. The nurse I saw at the surgery was really wonderful with DD and asked all the right questions.

And she does have strong and independent relationships with her female friends too. She sees her boyfriend twice a week. The rest of the time she's studying, riding or with her friends.

Do I think it's a bit too young? Yes.

But, they're both 16 now, have been together for a year and a half, he's polite, hard working, makes me a cup of tea when he's at our house, he's a nice young man. They undoubtedly won't be together forever but I think she'll have fond memories of her 'first love' and that it was a positive relationship.

It could be a lot worse!

It 100% is. Do you understand the impact of teen pregnancy? Outcomes for mothers and children? The cost to society? If a 5 minutes appointment can convince this kid to take precautions then it's the very best use of professional time.

I'm sorry but you're living in another decade, or possibly even another planet.

Are you having a laugh? Unusual at 15? Come out from whatever rock you’re under for god sake.

But, they're both 16 now, have been together for a year and a half, he's polite, hard working, makes me a cup of tea when he's at our house, he's a nice young man. They undoubtedly won't be together forever but I think she'll have fond memories of her 'first love' and that it was a positive relationship.

It could be a lot worse!

Yes. It could be a disaster, where she gets pregnant, or they give one another an STI. A good parent helps their teens to navigate this part of their lives.

Giving teens information and being non-judgemental and matter-of-fact is sensible parenting. It's essential.

I remember being 15, and thinking I was grown up! I wasn't, of course - but I did think of sex - quite a lot - and so did my friends. It's completely normal for teens to think about sex. It doesn't mean they're abnormal for doing so.

Teens need to know that their parents will not judge them, and they must be able to ask for help.

My son (at the age of 16) once phoned me in a panic, when a condom broke. I spoke to his girlfriend and advised her about getting the MAP. I told her where to get it and offered to pay for it if that was needed.

Far better to be able to have that conversation, than for my son and his girlfriend to come and tell me a month later that she was pregnant.

There's no point pearl-clutching about underage sex. Teens will have sex. It's a stage of their life and they need the right information.

It absolutely is a good use for this kind of appointment.

Just think for a moment about the impact of an unwanted teen pregnancy.

Doctors and nurses at GP surgeries and GUM clinics welcome youngsters who are seeking advice on avoiding pregnancy and STIs. It's called preventative health.

Yeah, because not buying condoms prevents pregnancy doesn't it. FFS. If you were to U-turn now you also risk losing the communication channels you have with your son. I hope I can be as supportive as you when my son is older. I don't know how you deal with his Dad... I don't like saying you shouldn't tell him what's happening. You know him best, is he likely to bluster in and say something to your son? Maybe a reduced-detail summary, if he brings it up. Perhaps remind him that a lack of condoms has never prevented pregnancy. That's a lot more serious than sexual experimentation. Massive consequences. Start calling him Grandad? I think you're doing an excellent job, anyway.

The posters suggesting you should just discourage them from having sex should really, really read up on how abstinence education contributes towards teen pregnancy.
It's not 'encouraging' them to have sex by teaching them how to do it safely, it's trying to eliminate one of the two things you worry about (underage pregnancy and emotional impact)
Whereas telling them not to do a thing that feels good that has led people into trouble since the dawn of time? You will lose.

I would do everything you did but I would also tell him that he needs to encourage his GF to confide in a safe adult too. It may not be her mum but it could be an aunt or a an after school activity adult or even a school staff member.
If she is an anxious person she needs to make sure she has a support network for when the relationship breaks down and it needs to include adults that want the best for her.

This is a great response. I think it's bloody stupid the way humans develop sexually before their brains are done. I wonder whether the risk taking stage ensured more offspring in the past and that's why it's stuck around... Anyway. Always worth remembering that the urges come before the brain is done cooking, and that's why guidance is so important. This also reminded me of a friend who was with a LT (ish, in terms of school relationships!) partner - they planned their first time together. I admired their approach - I wasn't ready but I could see they'd thought it through and she was as mature as you could hope. And he was a nice lad. They weren't convinced they'd be together forever I don't think, either. They just both knew what they wanted to do and they were in it together.

You do realise that most sexual health services run specific clinics for young people? Or that anyone working in SH would much rather see a young person in clinic to advise on their sexual health now rather than be dealing with chlamydia or even teenage pregnancy further down the line.