How to support sexually active underage teen

[sheenaisapunkrocker]

Ds is year 10 and has had a gf for about a year. Theyre both shy, quiet types, (she has bad anxiety) but he does come to me with his worries. He's disclosed that they are experimenting sexually and panicked because he ejaculated close to her vulva. I reassured him that pregnancy is unlikely, but in the future it is not worth the risk or worry and to use condoms when intimate, even if they are not ready for full sex. I reiterated that there is no pressure. He wasn't sure how to get condoms, unsure if he was allowed to buy them. I explained how/where they can be obtained, and also said I would buy some, as I'd rather he was safe.

I told my partner (not DS's Dad - we are divorced) and partner told me very bluntly that if I buy condoms I am giving them the green light for sex and what a bad idea this us as they are immature and not ready to handle any consequences. If it's relevant, partner has no kids of his own.

How should I handle DS's disclosure? Continue with the safe sex message and practical help to get contraceptives; or as partner thinks, try and steer him away from gf? I was really confident in my response until partenr challenged me, now I'm not so sure. Thoughts, please 🙏

‘Might well have started her periods’? At 15, most have. ‘Unusual’? Not at all. They all want to experiment . You sound very out of touch. Don’t get me wrong , I am as concerned as you are - I was in this situation and ensured the girl’s mother was consulted (DS was 16 , as was his GF, but I still spoke to her) however I wasn’t naive enough to be unaware of the strength of sexual desire at a young age.

I hate to break it to you, but if both young people are of a similar age, the police aren't going to care an iota about this.

I remember a thread a while ago about a girl receiving a sext from a boy her age and the comments were all pleading the mum to go to the police...who obviously didn't care at all when she did.

They were at her house. I haven't spoken to her parents yet, I've only just found out and wanted to think though what my response would be.

Surely you should be talking to the girls parents? It's quite possible that you'll be a grandparent in the near future if action is not taken to avoid pregnancy. Relying on 15 year olds to do the right thing is a bit like Russian roulette.

I don’t agree that it’s your place to tell her parents. Encourage her to talk to them, yes. Or ask your son if she’s spoken to them. He confided in you. If you go and speak to her parents, you don’t know how they’ll react and it may put your son off sharing details with you again.

They are Year10 so age 15
Hardly unusual. Was the same of year at this point when I was in year 10 some 35 years ago

Talking to the girl's parents would be a great way to ensure neither of them ever confide in you again, I recommend you don't do that.

It’s an age appropriate, consenting relationship. The police quite rightly won’t give a shit.

i would however give them a quick reminder that making and sharing photos and video of a sexual nature of each other is a criminal offence. If they ever got out, which is easily done- then the police would be involved.

I agree with @IlesFlottante and I certainly never spoke to my parents on it in case they did that... hoping my kids are more open!
OP you've done a great job there. Not sure mine will be so honest.
Maybe encourage your DS to ask GF to discuss with her parents?

@Tel12 and @Onehappymam I'm unsure whether to speak to her mum. If mum doesn't take it well then it might damage the trust with my son stop him from asking for my help when he needs it. On the other hand, an unwanted pregnancy isn't something I take lightly and so I also want to take steps to reduce this risk.

I will speak to DS to see if she will confide in her mum.

Useful reminder, thanks

Police will not seek to criminalise consenting 13-15yo having sex. It would only be a safeguarding concern if

• <13 years old (cannot legally consent)
• a power imbalance, for example age difference, if one has significant learning needs, if one was vulnerable
• issues around consent, coercion, pressure

I'd consider 15yo having sex to be developmentally normal, green on the hackets continuum of harmful sexual behaviour (ie, not harmful).

I think op shows superb levels of parenting to be applauded in responce so far.

I'd caveat that him saying he ejaculated near her vulva likely actually means they had sex but he pulled out before coming. He's just you embarrassed and ashamed to say that to his mum.

He needs condoms straight away. Google the c-card. He can get free condoms. Get him lots so he has enough to practice putting them on. Empower him to get his own going forward tho.

Talk about consent. Include cohesion. Google the Tea Consent video

@sheenaisapunkrocker definitely!! Make sure you buy him a big box and tell him he has to take a condom with him and use it whenever he goes near a girl. even heavy petting, which is he into now, can lead to an unwanted pregnancy. you are definitely doing the right thing and your partner is a blinkered ass!!

Ate some posters thinking these kids are ten years old, rather than year 10 (aged 15)?!!

Because some of the replies are fucking bonkers v

@Skillest thanks for some really useful points. I love the tea consent video and will definitely share it. I hadn't thought about pulling out tbh, but makes a lot of sense. I hadn't heard of the c card, but looks as though it's not available where I live sadly as it's a great initiative.

That would certainly make sense of some of the more bizarre replies.

I would not be wildly happy about 15 year old having sex but bloody hell, it's not exactly earth shattering news that they might be?!

Do not speak to the girls parents. That is a truly awful idea.

Continue to reiterate safe, consensual sexual activity. Suggest that ideally they should wait a bit longer. Emphasise that when they do they absolutely need to be careful etc.

Also, as I understand it, if both participants are under age and at a similar age its not a criminal offence? People are so weird on MN sometimes.

Technically, it is if they’re under 16.

but no one’s going to prosecute and make criminals out of two consenting 15 year olds. Especially as you’d need to prosecute both. Total waste of taxpayers money, police, cps and court time.

Inform the girl’s parents. You need to put a stop to this otherwise you’ll be seen as aiding and abetting a criminal act.

How fantastic your teen son has spoken to you openly about this. You must be doing things right as a parent to have him feel this safe with you.

He's old enough now to have grown up conversations, so in your shoes I'd say something like: 'I'm glad you came to speak to me about this, being able to talk about this kind of thing is really grown up. I want you to have great relationships in your life and how things go in your first relationships sets things up for how your future relationships will go. So now is a good time for us to talk about the skills people need in serious relationships. Can we watch this TED talk together?"

You probably want to watch it yourself first and read the information on the website, or rather than watching it with him just chat about these different aspects that are important.

https://ideas.ted.com/the-3-core-skills-that-every-person-needs-for-healthy-romantic-relationships/

If it's relevant, partner has no kids of his own.

It's relevant, it means his opinion holds no weight and your son's sex life is none of his business (would your son be comfortable knowing his intimate details have been relayed to this man?).

I'd be reminding your boy that the age of consent is there for a reason, and ideally they would wait until they're a bit older and and the GF has sorted out her own contraception to back up the condoms.

If you're sure they're going to do it anyway, it's definitely OK to talk to her parents before allowing them to be alone in your house. I agree it's also OK to supply the condoms and encourage him to practise. My boys were a little older but I told them they should be able to unwrap a condom and put it on, one handed and in the dark, before going near a real female!

They’re already past the green light for sex, they’re already doing it.

it’s great that DS is open like this with you. Yes to buying condoms.

Interested in sex and going ahead and having sex are two very different matters. They are too young to be going this far.

I'd hazard a guess (like another poster) that they have had sex, (and that what the DS is actually concerned about is pregnancy).

At 15 (assuming the girl is 15) they should be focusing on friendships, on school work, on future exams and determining what they want to do with their lives, and on sports or other interests.

Exclusive relationships get in the way of developing strong peer relationships, and sexual relationships can be incredibly intense, to the detriment of developmentally appropriate milestones.

The husband is right that this is problematic. It is too much, too young. There is a good reason for having an age of consent. More than one, in fact.