The way my son speaks to me is making me despise him

[Teenshardwork]

I know how horrible that sounds and I feel horrible.

Teen boy is almost 16 and he's so rude. Tbh though he's always been rude and cheeky since he started primary school. I don't think any of his teachers were keen on him. I know that's a sad and awful thing to say. Even though he didn't do anything wrong as such, he didn't get into big trouble, he just has this aura of not really caring/being out for himself. It always felt like they couldn't find anything nice to say. You know at primary school they'll always say things about a child being a good role model, kind, a good friends, always trying their best. There was none of that. I've always tried my best to correct rudeness it's not like I just don't care. Even though he could be cheeky he was a happy go lucky, loving little boy.

Once he turned 12-13 he changed.

Even now he doesn't get into any trouble. He's ok at school, not out getting up to no good, he's polite to other people. But he's so disgustingly rude at home.

Everything is met with "yeah and..." said in a sarcastic way. He tells me to piss off at times. Always has to have to last word. Tells me to stop moaning, to calm down. He scowls all the time. All over normal things like me asking him to make his bed.

He's only happy when he's getting something he wants. It is as though he doesn't consider anyone else's feelings. He'll be horribly rude then try to start a conversation about what he'd like for Christmas. He brings the atmosphere of the whole house down.

I do my best to correct him. I've taken his console, his phone. I call him back and make him speak properly, make him apologise. I follow through with making him do things I've asked. He gets better for a few days then slips back into his usual ways. He's got a terrible attitude to our belongings.

I'm so scared that this is just who he is or that I've failed. He's growing up and I can't live with a grown man who speak to me with such contempt.

His sibling is nothing like him but my son's attitude is upsetting his younger brother causing arguments.

This sounds tough. I can hear your sense of responsibility in your post, but consider this… he knows how to behave, he doesn’t treat everyone like this, his bad behaviour is reserved for you and his family
so… you’ve done your best, he’s nearly a (young) adult. If it were me I’d do the following…
Id take him out for lunch and have a serious talk. Say you recognise he’s growing up, he needs space, some control over his own life, some autonomy, and you can respect that and will therefore make x arrangements (whatever you’re happy with) to help him mature in the last year or two before he leaves home completely.

I think The days of punitive measures Are largely over tbh - from now on it’s not about control anymore.

you then follow through, give him more independence (safely) and take a step back! If his behaviour continues, which it will at first, you have to find a way of ignoring it - his petty behaviour is his problem and isn’t worthy of your attention. Imagine him being someone else’s son and how disassociated you could be - an observer - because it’s his, not your, responsibility and problem.

also, patience! It’s a hideous experience being a teen these days for many, but he will grow out of it as he matures. If he sees you’re respecting him and trusting him to grow, it’s most likely he’ll step up slowly but eventually.

go out and treat yourself, and take a step back from parenting him. Give him space to parent himself.

Pick your battles - may be a bit of a cliche but I think it's so important when parenting a teen . Eg the argument over asking him to make his bed - unless he is sharing a room with his sibling and making it unpleasant for him, I would just shut the door and leave him to it. Let him take a bit more responsibility for himself.

Excellent post from Member786488.
Also pick your battles. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t make his bed, but it does matter if he is rude or unkind to you or his brother.
It sometimes felt that all my conversations with DS3 were giving him instructions/ telling him off, and I had to learn to back off. If his clothes were on the floor, they didn’t get washed. His older brothers pointed out that I didn’t have to remind him about it every time, and I didn’t have to pick them up. If his clothes and room were dirty then that wasn’t my problem, but his. No need to discuss it.
On the other hand, rudeness wasn’t tolerated. Withdrawal of assistance underlined that- I wasn’t going to be giving lifts etc to someone who was rude to me. Natural consequences, you could say.
I still try to make sure that our conversations are not always about his behaviour/actions, and ask him about what he’s doing, films and books and games, what he thinks about politics etc. Teenagers can be difficult and emotional. Hold tight, because it sounds like you’ve done a good job so far.

Thanks.

Tbh the bed making was a bit of a stupid example. It's more like this. He comes stomping around complaining that there are never any clean cups in this house, or demanding to know where his football socks are. Only for me to point out that the laundry is done and given back and the dishwasher has been on and all the cups are all dirty in his room, his football socks are still screwed up not in the wash.

Or he will bring down a load of used plates and dump them on the side. I'll call him back to put them in the dishwasher or at least scrape them to be told "oh stop moaning at me you're always moaning".

He's now recently started rolling out of bed very last minute for school but then he's hogging the bathroom for the last bit of the morning before everyone needs to leave. I asked him to come out so we could used the toilet and was told I was "taking the piss" and I was making him late for school. I've asked him to get ready a bit earlier as we all need to get in the bathroom.

This is very good advice. Unless he is planning on going to Uni i would leave out the bit about leaving in the next year or two though because an 18/19 year old is not going to have the means to rent anywhere and I sounds a bit like you're kicking him out. Otherwise, yes I think the ship has sailed re punishments like taking his phone etc.

Ime if he can't respect you as his dm you withdraw your dm 'duties'.. He can do his own laundry and meals. And no lifts. WiFi password behaviour dependant..
Dd has been doing her washing for 5 years.

Her behaviour improved over the years but she stuck to doing it herself.

That why I feel like I've failed. He's too old to be taking things off him etc.

How old is your dd?

Does he have any positive male role models in his life?

Yes his dad is here he is a good guy he works hard, doesn't speak down to people, does a lot around the house, take him to football week in week out.

Dd is 17 now. 14 to 16 she was frankly fucking horrific. 2 x ds's and 1 was effortless. 1 was even more awful than dd. Ime finding a common interest works massively.. Even a TV show you can't stand. Fake it til you make it works here! Adult ds's it's a breakfast trip out. Even 45 mins can be good for your relationship 1-to 1...or a lift in a car. When he isn't being rude. Confined space and no eye contact necessary.. Keep it breezy. Tell him you are his dm not an enemy.. You won't tolerate bad behaviour as it is hurtful..

I think he tried his dad up the wall but Dh is patient and plays good cop.

I do lose patience easily with the rudeness and perhaps that where I'm going wrong, trying to fight fire with fire.

Drives his dad up the wall.

Thanks, I have done this and it does work and he apologises. But then he reverts back after a few days.

What does his father say to him when he's behaving like this?

Dad needs to stop playing good cop and teach his zone how to behave.

@Flopsythebunny nothing tbh, occasionally like maybe 3 times he has lost his rag and told ds off but dh seems to have the patience of a saint and ignores most of it.

I don't think dh is ever going to change he is an extremely placid person and my other son seems to take after him they are very calm and chilled.

Teens are an utter pain in the arse. It sounds like there's more going on though. You mention the word, "correct" re their behaviour and some of your other comments about lack of positive feedback from school make me think maybe your child is reflecting qualities from elsewhere in your family or yourself you don't like. It's not too late to spend time with your child doing very simple things, say you miss them and ask them to let you join in with their favourite game. Bond with them. Little 5 minute activities regularly can rebuild. Your child needs you and you can help their confidence so they are able to go and make friends feeling they are liked by their family. You will feel better.

Teen years are tough. I would pick a few absolutely no nos and they are lose a device . Swearing at me would definitely be in that.

Then have some apology stuff- general rudeness/ inconsiderate

Bedroom, not wanting to talk etc I would let go you don't want every interaction to be negative

It will get better

The thing is that your husband isn't the one that your son is insulting, is he? He needs to step up and tell your son that his behaviour is not on.

I ended up taking beta blockers because of my daughter in the bathroom in the mornings so I do understand. I used to drive to work thinking I was going to have a heart attack.

If I were you I'd just get up earlier and get yourself ready before he's even out of bed. I'd do anything to avoid that battle because it starts the whole day so badly.

That sounds more like apathy than patience. Why isn't your husband standing up for you & demanding that your son behave respectfully toward his mother?

I can't speak for dh. We have talked about ds dh just says he will hopefully grow out of it.

Dh isn't always even here when stuff happens because he works long hours.

Is there any chance of your son going to university? That thought used to keep me going!

You need to have a conversation about house rules .

if Your stuff isn’t in the laundry basket won’t be washed .

plates will be bought down and put in the dishwasher daily otherwise no plates upstairs . I have a rule no hot food upstairs as I don’t want upstairs smelling of food smells.

with the way he speaks to you. If he speaks to you demanding something . I tell my son come back when you can speak with some respect .

bathrooms - the way you write it you are all leaving it till last minute.

something has to change and it has to be yours and dh approach .

we had a boy in my Ds’s primary was genuinely shockingly rude now in sixth form - there has been huge issues with the way he is treating his women peers . Your Dh needs to get in board.