The way my son speaks to me is making me despise him

[Teenshardwork]

I know how horrible that sounds and I feel horrible.

Teen boy is almost 16 and he's so rude. Tbh though he's always been rude and cheeky since he started primary school. I don't think any of his teachers were keen on him. I know that's a sad and awful thing to say. Even though he didn't do anything wrong as such, he didn't get into big trouble, he just has this aura of not really caring/being out for himself. It always felt like they couldn't find anything nice to say. You know at primary school they'll always say things about a child being a good role model, kind, a good friends, always trying their best. There was none of that. I've always tried my best to correct rudeness it's not like I just don't care. Even though he could be cheeky he was a happy go lucky, loving little boy.

Once he turned 12-13 he changed.

Even now he doesn't get into any trouble. He's ok at school, not out getting up to no good, he's polite to other people. But he's so disgustingly rude at home.

Everything is met with "yeah and..." said in a sarcastic way. He tells me to piss off at times. Always has to have to last word. Tells me to stop moaning, to calm down. He scowls all the time. All over normal things like me asking him to make his bed.

He's only happy when he's getting something he wants. It is as though he doesn't consider anyone else's feelings. He'll be horribly rude then try to start a conversation about what he'd like for Christmas. He brings the atmosphere of the whole house down.

I do my best to correct him. I've taken his console, his phone. I call him back and make him speak properly, make him apologise. I follow through with making him do things I've asked. He gets better for a few days then slips back into his usual ways. He's got a terrible attitude to our belongings.

I'm so scared that this is just who he is or that I've failed. He's growing up and I can't live with a grown man who speak to me with such contempt.

His sibling is nothing like him but my son's attitude is upsetting his younger brother causing arguments.

OP i completely understand that, my ds constantly 'lied' about what I had said and what he had said. I realised that he was actually very distressed as he truly believed what he was saying. I started to think one of us had a PD.

Oh and then he says "no one else has a problem with me, no one else moans at me like this".

Of course I tell him no one else is keeping a roof over his head, feeding and clothing him etc.

Then he says he'll go, he'll move out. Then he gets all remorseful. But it doesn't last.

There is no reasoning with him he has an answer for everything.

I don't think that there is a chance of Ds agreeing to be assessed for anything.

He believes that he's fine and great

I have lived your life, honestly!!!

He has shown he knows how to behave and is capable of doing so. Do not tolerate this behaviour. My son tried to act like this and was met with a stone face.

You're rude to me? You get nothing. You tell me to piss off? Not having that and walk. When he is missing out he will change his ways although your new behaviour and low tolerance level of his bad behaviour is going to be a shock to him!

It's possible he really does see it that way. He might genuinely believe it. Or he's being very manipulative. You won't always know

If he has to move out then he has to move. It's not your fault.

I believe the best thing you can do for your son is go get a private assessment sorted. You could tell him your own feelings about yourself. Just see what he says.

Yeah this is probably common at his age. He might listen if he thinks he'll be moving out soon. He can still be held accountable in all this and this is what I'd expect on the circumstances with how you're being treated

I found that normal punishments didn't work, at all. And I realised much later than he was actually incapable of some of the things I was asking for ie 'tidy your room' if you think about it is about 100 different actions. And my ds has a very very mixed memory. He can explain any political issue or the economy of any country but he cannot sit and read a novel or remember where his socks go. I used to get livid at the defiance but I just think of him as having a disability now.

Yes this! I started to think I was having a breakdown and going insane. My son would say things had been said/ hadn't. Denied what he just said. And I saw that he genuinely believed it. I live alone so had no one to reference this with. But I looked at him and saw he really did believe that was how things had just happened! This was all before getting the assessment. Now I just realise sometimes you can't argue with it

My eldest is developing a real cheeky streak. Honestly I’ve just started taking the piss back, in a matey way, not ripping him to shreds.

He finds it quite funny ( but won’t admit it) and has taken to stealing my best one liners. The other children “judge” the roast battle. I don’t always win. I’ve found humour defuses the situation.

If I was told to piss off for asking him to leave a bathroom. I’d probably joke that I’d be peeing all over the hall if he didn’t get out the loo.

Does he do any of the parenting or just the nice bits?

OP, boys of your son’s age, temperament, mental and physical energy levels,
boys with stepfathers/errant fathers/absent fathers, critical parents/siblings/
sarcastic teachers/dispersing schoolfriends, to different colleges, VI form etc.
tend to take themselves off anyway, seeking a greater challenge.

Your sons’s combative approach to the requirement of a civilised responsible manner marks him as a prime candidate for the British Armed Forces.

I could have written much of what you say about your DS about mine so my god I feel for you it's soul destroying. Mine is18 now, still not the easiest to live with but a combination of his age and naturally being more independent & me learning to disengaging more has made for a generally more harmonious household although he is still quite rude to me if I dare to wake him up (at lunchtime!) or ask for his laundry but generally try and hold me tongue on things like that. I also worry he's going to disrespect any future partner in the same way despite having positive male role model in his dad & wider family.

I'm really hoping when he goes off to university being apart will help us heal and we can just do more fun stuff together without the day-to-day minutiae to argue over.

I wondered about the armed forces too, mostly with the hope he'd shut up if faced with a big gun 🤣

I'm a single parent and wondered if a really firm, authoritative father (i envisaged Tony Soprano) would have helped.

I don't think so, I think i was escalating the situation by emphasising the 'truth' and standing my ground. I think all the awful defiant oppositional shit was fear based. And it was so so hard as my other ds is just sunny, logical and lovely.

interesting you say that @SOxon as much as I hate the idea of sending him off to fight, I think military would be the making of DS but he's not interested. He's physically fit & strong, very determined, highly sociable, totally fearless and adventire seeking.

Ha, he wouldn't join the army in a million years.

He might be a mouthy little shit to me but he's not like that anywhere else.

I also dreamt about boarding school, one with a really harsh regime 🤣

Eeee I don't miss the teen years.

My worst dc joined the army. Was the making of him. Did 4 years 18-22....the ds who got expelled for dealing drugs.

OP I read a book called 10 days to a less defiant child by Jeffrey Bernstein. I suspected my ds had ODD but it would be useful for any child who is habitually defiant and oppositional. It didn't fix things in 10 days! But did help me to understand ways of communicating that would work better with him, and to understand his perspective more.
for what it's worth he will be pushing so hard against you because he can, you are his safest space.

OP it doesn’t have to be the army - at 16 with little or no qualifications
they are Infantry, have little training, can be deployed anywhere
All the nice girls love a sailor
the RAF have apprenticeship schemes

this is better than him chucking stuff in a holdall, emptying his money box and taking the coach to London cos his mate knows someone with a bedsit in Earls Court works at Costa has a great life, bye Mum

I wondered how long it would be before autism was brought up despite the only ‘symptoms’ being rude and lazy. Very unfair to people with ASD.

They don’t have to fight, with gcse then A levels all things are possible
also there is a weeding out process (for weeds).

You would have to make it his idea.
Women have been doing this since the days of the plucked apple, good luck

He sounds like a typical teenager tbh, have you watched the Harry Enfield Kevin the teenager clips?

I would disengage, I worked out dd can't argue with a grey rock so I did my best impression of being a grey rock 🙈😂

So the example you gave of he bought the dishes downstairs but didn't wash them up would go

Me - 'thank you for bringing the dishes down, can you put them in the dishwasher please'

Dd - 'It's not fair/you're always on at me/why should I?'

Me -

Me -

I literally would not respond.

Dd usually got the message and would moan but do what I'd asked her to.

I find all this tiptoeing and placating of vile teenage sons to be quite sad tbh. All this distract/use humour/pick battles just reads like avoiding confrontation at all costs because you’re scared of them

I equally wondered how long it would take to get a post like this. And here we are.

I recognise how offensive it must seem to Autistic people when sweeping generalisatioms are made. There is so much more behind OPs post than laziness and rudeness. I didn't even ' see' laziness. I see someone who is struggling alot and it is perceived as lazy and rude. I'm not PDA so I can't always know how it is. It is however interpreted as rude. It doesn't mean that's the intention.

It is far better that this very real possibility is considered so life will be so much better for OP and her son.

Did you not read the part where OP says she believes herself to be Autistic.