The way my son speaks to me is making me despise him

[Teenshardwork]

I know how horrible that sounds and I feel horrible.

Teen boy is almost 16 and he's so rude. Tbh though he's always been rude and cheeky since he started primary school. I don't think any of his teachers were keen on him. I know that's a sad and awful thing to say. Even though he didn't do anything wrong as such, he didn't get into big trouble, he just has this aura of not really caring/being out for himself. It always felt like they couldn't find anything nice to say. You know at primary school they'll always say things about a child being a good role model, kind, a good friends, always trying their best. There was none of that. I've always tried my best to correct rudeness it's not like I just don't care. Even though he could be cheeky he was a happy go lucky, loving little boy.

Once he turned 12-13 he changed.

Even now he doesn't get into any trouble. He's ok at school, not out getting up to no good, he's polite to other people. But he's so disgustingly rude at home.

Everything is met with "yeah and..." said in a sarcastic way. He tells me to piss off at times. Always has to have to last word. Tells me to stop moaning, to calm down. He scowls all the time. All over normal things like me asking him to make his bed.

He's only happy when he's getting something he wants. It is as though he doesn't consider anyone else's feelings. He'll be horribly rude then try to start a conversation about what he'd like for Christmas. He brings the atmosphere of the whole house down.

I do my best to correct him. I've taken his console, his phone. I call him back and make him speak properly, make him apologise. I follow through with making him do things I've asked. He gets better for a few days then slips back into his usual ways. He's got a terrible attitude to our belongings.

I'm so scared that this is just who he is or that I've failed. He's growing up and I can't live with a grown man who speak to me with such contempt.

His sibling is nothing like him but my son's attitude is upsetting his younger brother causing arguments.

Given the family history of ND and the fact that OP has tried everything else I second the suggestions of treating him as though you have a dx of asd and then using those suggestions of working around his frustration/resistance/demand avoidance.

His rewriting of history and his confusion of the text of your speech (dissatisfied) with anger (shouting) makes me slso suspect ASd. Maybe try making requests neutrally or through text and see if that bypasses his shame cycle?

Sorry what do you mean the confusion of text speech?

To be honest it would never have occurred to me in a million years that ds could be neurodiverse. Probably because he was a very happy, smiley, calm baby. Very advanced. He always loved school and was outgoing and eager to get involved in things.

There might have been a few things that pointed towards it. But you can find traits in anyone if you look for them enough.

I could probably talk more about all of that. I will certainly give it some thought. In terms of trying to handle things going forward.

I think you need more active support from your DH, to be honest. As you’ve described his sport, school, small group of good friends, it sounds like he’d picking on mum as the easy target. And I agree with others that at the age he’s at you can’t give infantilising punishments. So if you do a lunch out, for a straight mature talk, your DH should be there too. And the conversation needs to be ‘look, you’re a smart kid, you have lots going for you, soon you are going to be independent - so why are you being horrible to your mum and setting a bad example?’ And if he says ‘she’s always on my back, she’s always complaining’ your DH needs to step in and say ‘basic house rules, mate - you play your part, you respect your mum, and you never ever swear or act rudely to her.’ This is not to make it a man-to-man talk that excludes you, but to show that his two parents are a team.

Sorry: I meant your son acting as though the content of your speech (you were unhappy or dissatisfied) was conveying anger (“you were yelling”). I have encountered this kind of confusion in ND people. There can be an overvaluing of the specific words and a failure to grasp the nonverbal parts of the communication (calm tone of voice).

This is such good advice.. I tried to do exactly the same too.
Walk away and only engage on the good behaviour.

It sounds like your son may see that his dad does not step in and ensure he shows respect to you

Your dh is not setting the bar high enough by cracking down on this and showing your son he needs to respect you

Maybe family therapy? Dont beat yourself up op it is very hard parenting some children and tbh sounds like your partner has left you the hard bit of actual discipline

I have no answers but I just wanted to send hugs and say I really hear you. My teenage son is destroying my mental health, my little daughter and my marriage. I am at my wits end and so much miss the beautiful little boy who adored me. I don’t know the fix but just wanted to say it hurts so bloody much and you are not alone ❤️

"Oh stop moaning at me you're always moaning". Respond politely but brusquely with, "It would be lovely if I didn't have to!"

You have my sympathy - the teenage years are brutal.

Very much choose your battles and walk away when needed. DS1 was pretty rude on our holiday over half term. He’s also quite clever with it. Never insults us, or swears. He just very clearly doesn’t want to spend any time with us or talk to us over dinner. Silent mode.

So when he asked me for a lift to his girlfriends today I just said no. No argument. He huffed and puffed then used his own money to get a cab.