The way my son speaks to me is making me despise him

[Teenshardwork]

I know how horrible that sounds and I feel horrible.

Teen boy is almost 16 and he's so rude. Tbh though he's always been rude and cheeky since he started primary school. I don't think any of his teachers were keen on him. I know that's a sad and awful thing to say. Even though he didn't do anything wrong as such, he didn't get into big trouble, he just has this aura of not really caring/being out for himself. It always felt like they couldn't find anything nice to say. You know at primary school they'll always say things about a child being a good role model, kind, a good friends, always trying their best. There was none of that. I've always tried my best to correct rudeness it's not like I just don't care. Even though he could be cheeky he was a happy go lucky, loving little boy.

Once he turned 12-13 he changed.

Even now he doesn't get into any trouble. He's ok at school, not out getting up to no good, he's polite to other people. But he's so disgustingly rude at home.

Everything is met with "yeah and..." said in a sarcastic way. He tells me to piss off at times. Always has to have to last word. Tells me to stop moaning, to calm down. He scowls all the time. All over normal things like me asking him to make his bed.

He's only happy when he's getting something he wants. It is as though he doesn't consider anyone else's feelings. He'll be horribly rude then try to start a conversation about what he'd like for Christmas. He brings the atmosphere of the whole house down.

I do my best to correct him. I've taken his console, his phone. I call him back and make him speak properly, make him apologise. I follow through with making him do things I've asked. He gets better for a few days then slips back into his usual ways. He's got a terrible attitude to our belongings.

I'm so scared that this is just who he is or that I've failed. He's growing up and I can't live with a grown man who speak to me with such contempt.

His sibling is nothing like him but my son's attitude is upsetting his younger brother causing arguments.

I wonder if maybe you’ve just had too many unnecessary battles? I’ve brought up two sons as a single mother and decided very early on to be very particular with the battles I fought. I’ve never asked (or told) either of them to make their bed, I don’t fuss if they have dishes in their room and I gather up the dirty laundry and just do it. The things I did fight for were they had to have good manners from a very early age and be good at school (neither of them had a single detention their entire schooling). My eldest going to uni was a wrench for me (and will be again this year when youngest goes) because I love their company so much. I think what I’m trying to say is although I wasn’t perfect (who is?) home life was never a battlefield. Maybe decide what’s worth battling and what’s not?

But if he is destined for Uni that is fine too. I recall my son and contempories in the second year of 6th form, then Freshers week, tall towering, well fed young men,
I felt like a little Mummy.

Good food, clean air, sports, strong genes, we breed them big now in every way
and have greater behavioural expectations of them, in the hope that our conscientious parenting pays off.*
*and they were watching and listening when we showed them how to make an omelette, understood symbols on a washing machine, what could and couldn‘t be tumble dried, whilst encouraging/insisting on practical endeavours ie changing and launderingtheir own bedding and towels weekly, how to budget and not blow a terms studnt loan on 7’speakers in the first week and other life skill they took for granted Mum would deal with.

Then they morph into men, have children of their own, amaze us, another miracle.

Struggling how? What is he struggling with?

Pretty much everything based on behaviour like that. I have no doubt now to be honest as the thread has continued. I'm quite sure OP herself knows. And hopefully will come away feeling she's not to blame for all this. If in helping OP to see what I see so clearly on this thread I take the hit from you and others, im ok with that.

What I will also do is apologise to you if you're Autistic and other ND people if my generalisations are hurtful and patronising. I do understand how one would be offended by my basic, generalised overview of the Pathological Demand Avoidant Personality and I would not appreciate being patronised if I myself were PDA and Autistic. 🙏

He’s likely not autistic just rude and entitled like many teens/men. He’s not struggling he’s incredibly privileged compared to children on Gaza, Ukraine or 99% of the world. Let’s stop with the nonsense.

This mentality is the reason it's taken so long for the ND community to get the help, acknowledgement and support they really deserve.
He can still be a highly unpleasant so and so and be ND.

OP

IMO, no matter what you do, DS's behaviour may just get worse and you will get all of the blame. It's a typical, loud mouthed teenager that wrongly feels they are being picked on by parents
Hopefully, he will oon grow out of it, possibly when he starts work. When he does, make him pay his way - he wont like it and will go on a around the world trip telling everyone that will listen to him how bad his parents are and he cant wait to move out. Sadly, moving out for many young people is almost impossible and you may be stuck with him for years.

Good luck

Yes but the ONLY sign he is showing is unpleasantness

I don't want to take over this thread so I will bow out . It's not helpful if we all argue our points. OP believes she is Autistic. I don't need to repeat one more line than that to you quite frankly.

OP, I think you've got a fair amount to go away and think on here. The number one thing I hope you take is this isn't a fault of your parenting. You sound like a mum who is trying everything and it's soul destroying to be treated so badly. ND or not, I don't think many of us in this position would judge you for just wanting a break from it all. Hopefully there's some week long overnight football camp you can convince him to attend for the break! 🤷‍♀️😆

Once you start seeing it clearly I really believe it will get easier. You'll stop tearing your hair out thinking it's all you.

Even if he is autistic, he's not stupid and he can understand rules. I'd go the route of withholding attention for negative behaviour (as much as possible) and giving attention for anything positive. He already knows his behaviour annoys you, you don't need to explain again. Just ignore it, walk away, pretend he isn't there. Believe me, over time it works. At first it will rile him and he will try harder to get a rise out of you. You can use sanctions like no lift if he has been rude at times - but I understand you won't always want to do this. If you are getting wound up, try moving away, going out or taking the car to go to the shops or whatever. Have a mantra you say to yourself to keep yourself calm or allocate yourself rewards for later for having done so.

Then look for the positives. Thank him for anything helpful he does, however small. Say what you like about something he does - even if it's just about his shirt looking nice. Show interest in his interests.

I had issues with one of mine a few years back and withdrawing like this, being calm and matter of fact, improved our relationship substantially.

Teenage boys are entitled brats nowadays. End of.

The only thing they respond to at this age is male authority. Your husband needs to step up and be firm with him.

Doesnt matter if he is out of the house at the time, tell him when he gets home!

Well it takes 2 to argue so tell him to put his plates in the dishwasher and then don't engage.

He sounds like Just William except 4 years older.
Is he immature for his age?

Mty ds as a teenager had a bedroom full of dirty crockery - it's par for the course.
Just get him to bring it down.

I don’t have anything else to add to what has already been said, but I sympathise because DD1 was like this from about 12-16 and I used to sit and cry (not when she could see me) because she was so horrible sometimes. She is nearly 18 now and has been much better over the past 6 months or so. I’m not sure why because I didn’t start doing anything differently, I think she just grew up a bit.

Also OP don’t forget about yourself. In one of your posts you say you are overwhelmed, do you get enough time for yourself when you can do things you like? It’s like when a baby is crying endlessly and it’s ok to leave them for 5 minutes to get a break, sometimes you need that with teenagers too. Except you can hopefully leave them for longer than 5 minutes and go and do stuff for yourself, that has nothing to do with them. I think it sometimes helps them to see you as a person not just a parent.

This. Their dads are usually weak and ineffective. It’s such a shame. I totally understand the issues around what are seen as ‘toxic masculine’ traits, and on paper being all soft and understanding seems like the right thing to do, but they need discipline and an Alpha to keep them in check.

This. At 16 you don't have to jump to every whinge or eye roll.

Do you have teens or sons? You sound really down on boys.

You are completely wrong, I'm not scared of him at all. I posted for some support because I'm so drained by the way he's speaking to me.

He's not a juvenile delinquent. I haven't suggested autism either, other posters have because they perhaps recognise behaviours. I don't know.

Most of the things suggested on this thread I have tried. I am certainly not scared of confronting him.

I'm confused and exhausted. Some people tell me it's all normal teen behaviour, some people say it's neurodiversity, some say ignore, some say come down like a tonne of bricks.

He only goes out to do sports so if I stop that he'd be home even more. He's doing exams. He has a small group of nice friends I don't want to make his world any smaller.

Very resonating -my 14 yesr old can be like this. I take him for car ride and we chat then...

I think you need to go onto every thread in active at the moment and post the same comment about privilege. It would apply just as much there. Unfortunately knowing things are worse somewhere else doesn't tend to help most people.

I like what NoraLuka said more than any of us. She has highlighted the main issue. And that is you. You deserve and absolutely need a break.

If you can put your son and all this on the shelf for now and just find some way to have a break, it would probably do you the world of good. Maybe speak to your husband lovely. Tell him you're overwhelmed and you'd love a day and a night for yourself.

So sorry if all the conflicting views have overwhelmed you. We all bring our own experiences in but we aren't you so that can be really unhelpful I understand.

I think it does. I often remind myself of what true poverty or suffering is when I have a first world complaint about something. This is a kid with a united supportive family, friends, hobbies, health, no obvious big issues unless there’s a drip feed coming. He really has nothing to whinge about. I have no time for such self indulgence

My eldest was an absolute nightmare at this age. She'd start an argument in an empty room. How we coped was completely ignoring the bad behaviour. Even when it nearly killed me. I stopped going in her room, didn't change bedding or do her laundry. And if the bathroom was a shithole, it stayed a shithole. We had screaming, shouting," I've got no uniform". Ride it out with a "but you told us that you want to be treated as an adult".

They're maturing into young adults. Only engage when he's being polite, and literally ignore everything else. And don't remove positives like lifts to his hobby, that just puts everything into a negative spiral.

If it's any consolation, my teenage monster is now my very best friend and I adore the very bones of her. It gets easier.

I get this.

I'd call a family meeting.

Make a list of jobs that need doing daily - everyone's responsibility and assign

Weekly - assign

Monthly - assign

Make it clear that for people to have time to help each other - eg lifts - these chores need to be done. Or someone else will have to take them on and that leaves no time for lifts etc.

Include in ds chores him loading dishwasher, include him putting in washing or hanging it up.

If he's anything like my ds with regards to his sport it'll take 1 very simple "sorry - haven't got time to give you a lift today because I need to do X" to focus his mind. The trick is not to engage in the fact x was his job and he didn't do it. It's to calmly state what he knows non committed oh and non confrontationally leaving him without an argument and knowing he's only himself to blame.

I’m ND -a very mature adult - in the last months I’ve been twice to lovely adult craft classes and managed to piss off the tutors both times - how? I have no blanking idea except I probably said something that annoyed them or didn’t mask well enough - it’s humiliating and upsetting … thinking of his relationship with teachers he is prob ND.

I don't know what it is about your post but this had made me cry. I'm so sorry.

My brother has Asperger's and has sadly made several suicide attempts it's heartbreaking I'm pretty sure I might be autistic but have hidden it very well as a female.

The primary school thing with ds is sad because he wasn't actually naughty and he loved school but I always felt they were irritated by him. There was never a suggestion of autism though and he was very happy there. His year 6 teacher told me he was misunderstood. Whatever that meant. He did very well though academically.

Thank you, it is upsetting. I need to avoid situations like that. The problem I think is underlying anxiety in a group situation, this stops me thinking things through properly, there's more chance of blurting things out.

I have a nephew who sounds like your DS, he always winds up people, particularly those in authority.