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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 16 has just said she's 'done with me'.

109 replies

couchparsnip · 10/02/2024 19:37

The back story is that DDs is 16 and about to start mock exams. I probably couldn't have picked a worse time but I looked in her room and it is literally piled with clothes and rubbish on the floor. I found DS's dressing gown that he'd lost, 5 towels and some dirty plates and cups. It smells in there as well. I went to pick her up from dance practice, about a 20 min drive and told her during the drive that her room was unacceptable and she needed to tidy it.
She responded by literally screaming at me, crying and accusing me of invading her privacy. I didn't scream back but did tell her she was being childish and she was just trying to get out of tidying her room. She then told me she had done 'literally nothing else but work for mocks and go to dance'. Not true as she was gaming last night and watching a film on Netflix this morning.
I get that she's feeling stressed and it doesn't help that DS has just got an offer for uni and is pulling away, but how do I deal with this. I've told her she needs to make progress on tidying her room by tomorrow or I'm tidying it myself with binbags. She absolutely hates that idea and is calling it an invasion of privacy. Then she announced she was done with me and went in her room. (Hopefully to tidy but I suspect to cry and text her friends about her awful mother)
Am I being unreasonable by expecting her room to be tidied when her mocks are next week? Should I wait?

OP posts:
NotTooOldPaul · 10/02/2024 19:40

My daughter's room was a mess when she was 16. It was almost impossible to see the floor for the mess.
We just let her live in her mess.
She is now 41, has a neat and clean house.
Just let her go through this phase.

DdyDaisyDaresYou · 10/02/2024 19:44

If her mocks are next week, I'd give her a some grace until she's done them but set a hard deadline for a few days afterwards.

Accept that she's 16 and messy, maybe set some hard limits - eg, dirty towels, things belonging to others, china etc - so that you accept 'clean' mess but not dirty mess.

The rest is just teenager girl. It'll pass. Flowers

Jifmicroliquid · 10/02/2024 19:44

I’d meet her halfway. Plates and cups must be returned to the kitchen, towels need to be put in wash/hung on radiators and no rubbish should be left on the floor.
If she wants to dump her clothes and belongings on the floor, that’s her problem.

Maybe tell her that after exams have been and gone, you will be expecting her to keep her room tidier.

Maybeicanhelpyou · 10/02/2024 19:45

Just let her live in a pig sty!
Go in every other day to remove food remnants, if clothes aren’t in the laundry they don’t get washed!

OpalOrchid · 10/02/2024 19:47

This is not a battle I would choose. Tell her to bring the pots and towels down and ignore the rest.

museumum · 10/02/2024 19:49

Yes. I have sympathy for her in that I know when I have major stress small things like housework feel ridiculously big. I’d have some bare minimums (eg all glasses and crockery out and bin emptied) and let the rest go till after exams. After exams I’d give 48hrs grace then big spring clean.

suafa · 10/02/2024 19:50

My Yr 11 and I clash over the state of their room. I'm trying to let it go...

Octavia64 · 10/02/2024 19:50

I wouldn't pick this battle until after mocks.

Give her some time and then after exams sort it out.

ComfyBoobs · 10/02/2024 19:51

Wow. You are prioritising completely the wrong thing right now.

I would immediately go to her and :

(1) say that you can see she’s really stressed and that you are here to support her;

(2) tell her not to worry about her room at the moment, there are more important things in life right now. Ask if she can try to keep on top of things a bit more but then the big clean up can wait until after her exams; and

(3) give her a hug, a cup of tea and some chocolate.

HeadShoulderHipsandCalves · 10/02/2024 19:52

I'd go and explain that you needed towels etc, but our teenagers are under so much stress these days that I feel for them. Come to a compromise and pick your battles.

Onelifeonly · 10/02/2024 19:54

Mocks are more important than a messy room. She can tidy up afterwards, and will probably need your help, as when it's bad it can be hard to know where to start.

'I'm done with you' is a common teen statement. They're only 'done' until the next thing they need you for.

xyz111 · 10/02/2024 19:55

ComfyBoobs · 10/02/2024 19:51

Wow. You are prioritising completely the wrong thing right now.

I would immediately go to her and :

(1) say that you can see she’s really stressed and that you are here to support her;

(2) tell her not to worry about her room at the moment, there are more important things in life right now. Ask if she can try to keep on top of things a bit more but then the big clean up can wait until after her exams; and

(3) give her a hug, a cup of tea and some chocolate.

Edited

Agree with this!

Soonenough · 10/02/2024 19:55

I think it is unacceptable. The room didn't get like that in a week. A 16 year old should be capable of doing it all. Then these kids go to uni and don't know how to look after themselves , possibly getting in conflict with roommates . Her brother shouldn't be deprived of his dressing gown because she couldn't be arsed to put it back nor should you have to clean mouldy towels or risk flies on discarded food. Let her strop and when she is finished, still has to clean her room by tomorrow. Get to bed and get up early if necessary. Only should take two trips downstairs , less than 2 hours max.

yikesanotherbooboo · 10/02/2024 19:57

I didn't tolerate dirty plates but if they want to live in a mess that is up to them. If exams are looming I would say nothing. After the exams say that food waste needs sorting and if the room is smelling then things have gone too far , surely this is a stage that many teens go through?

ScarlettDarling · 10/02/2024 19:57

Had a very similar battle recently. In the end I went in there when my dd was at school and cleaned it thoroughly. It was disgusting and I’d asked her dozens of times to clean it. When I caved and did it she was really annoyed and said she’d rather have done it herself!!!
Im a little comforted actually at the posts saying this isn’t unusual for a 16 year old girl. I was starting to worry that she was turning into a hoarder!
No advice op, just solidarity!

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 10/02/2024 19:59

I'm going to disagree with the majority. Her room needs tidying. If there are damp towels and dirty plates it has reached unacceptable levels. It can attract mice as well.

It won't take her that long to get it sorted.

It is not a good habit to instil that the delighted stress you can become a slob. Mocks are not that important, they are to learn to deal with the big hall atmosphere and exam nerves. It is not an excuse.

And I thunk sine teenagers need reminding the world doesn't revolve around them.

Motheranddaughter · 10/02/2024 19:59

Just close the bedroom door

CadyEastman · 10/02/2024 19:59

Wow, why did you pick now to gave this argument with her? Couldn't you just have opened the window, washed the towels and the dressing gown and taken the dishes downstairs?

My DD is 16, a couple of times when her room has been really bad I've cleaned it for her and put drag flowers in there. Strangely she generally keeps it in a much better state now.

theduchessofspork · 10/02/2024 20:00

You did pick a terrible time.

You know you did and now you are making it worse but not acknowledging that like a grown up, but trying to save face by sticking to your guns. Presumably this is because you were shocked by your daughter’s reaction - we are all human but you do need to be the adult and back down now.

With kindness, don’t be a dick, go up and say sorry you picked a bad time, she can leave it be till the exams are done but then you want a clean up. Offer to help maybe or buy her a new whatever as a new peace offering.

As for your daughter being dramatic - she is a teen, and is probably genuinely worried about her exams, don’t take it to heart. Don’t become a soft touch either but do relax a bit at stress points.

Fetaa · 10/02/2024 20:02

She sounds so very stressed, it would have been kinder to leave it till after the exams. Just remove the towels and approach the issue when she’s more resilient.

TammyJones · 10/02/2024 20:05

Soonenough · 10/02/2024 19:55

I think it is unacceptable. The room didn't get like that in a week. A 16 year old should be capable of doing it all. Then these kids go to uni and don't know how to look after themselves , possibly getting in conflict with roommates . Her brother shouldn't be deprived of his dressing gown because she couldn't be arsed to put it back nor should you have to clean mouldy towels or risk flies on discarded food. Let her strop and when she is finished, still has to clean her room by tomorrow. Get to bed and get up early if necessary. Only should take two trips downstairs , less than 2 hours max.

Agree.
When was kids lived at home I used to hoover once a week.
The floors were always clear.
No plates cup etc allowed in their rooms.
Clothes were hung up and /or in the wash.
(They could both cook' iron etc before they went off to uni too)
At 16 these are just the basics.

Runnerinthenight · 10/02/2024 20:05

I wouldn't have picked an argument with her now! She probably is stressed.

Having suffered through two messy DC, I learned to close the door. I didn't allow them to eat in their rooms (though DC3 now does it, much to my annoyance, but at least they do bring down the plate afterwards and every now and then put all the empty Fanta cans in the recyling - do not get me started on the Fanta!!!

Second one is still messy but not living at home now so not my problem! First one can still be messy but will take a notion and clean it all up now. Once found a pair of 2nd's dirty knickers inside an empty crisp back that had been there for aaaages.... no I don't know either!!

It's not a hill to die on, other than the dressing gown, the towels and the crockery. The fact that it smells is not good - but let her deal with that after her exams.

AnEmbarrasmentofWitches · 10/02/2024 20:05

ComfyBoobs · 10/02/2024 19:51

Wow. You are prioritising completely the wrong thing right now.

I would immediately go to her and :

(1) say that you can see she’s really stressed and that you are here to support her;

(2) tell her not to worry about her room at the moment, there are more important things in life right now. Ask if she can try to keep on top of things a bit more but then the big clean up can wait until after her exams; and

(3) give her a hug, a cup of tea and some chocolate.

Edited

This. I would probably go further, and if it’s true that she is just revising and doing dance, I would give her room a ‘birthday’ and clean and tidy it, change the sheets etc one day when she is in school next week.

When my DCs are super stressed, I try to give them a bit more tlc. They do the same for me when it is the other way round.

ManchesterGirl2 · 10/02/2024 20:06

I think you're being horrible. That room is her only personal space, how dare you invade it with bin bags? I'm an adult and my personal space becomes a tip when I am stressed out with other things, thankfully no-one has a go at me about it.

Seaweed42 · 10/02/2024 20:09

Absolutely the wrong time to be piling pressure on her.

The thing about 'chats' in the car is the teen is 'trapped' in that car with you and they can't choose the topic for discussion.
The car is not a good place for laying down the law.

It is intrusive to be insisting on the cleaning up of her space, using a tone of voice like as if she is a younger child.

How would you feel if your partner came into the living room and told you you needed to get out to the kitchen and clean out the food pantry/spices drawer. And that the hall cupboard is 'a disgrace'.
And when you say you are tired after work and you'll do it some other time, he says 'oh but you were watching that stupid Eastenders'.

You'd be pretty pissed at him speaking down to you like a child, wouldn't you?