DD 16 has just said she's 'done with me'.

[couchparsnip]

The back story is that DDs is 16 and about to start mock exams. I probably couldn't have picked a worse time but I looked in her room and it is literally piled with clothes and rubbish on the floor. I found DS's dressing gown that he'd lost, 5 towels and some dirty plates and cups. It smells in there as well. I went to pick her up from dance practice, about a 20 min drive and told her during the drive that her room was unacceptable and she needed to tidy it.
She responded by literally screaming at me, crying and accusing me of invading her privacy. I didn't scream back but did tell her she was being childish and she was just trying to get out of tidying her room. She then told me she had done 'literally nothing else but work for mocks and go to dance'. Not true as she was gaming last night and watching a film on Netflix this morning.
I get that she's feeling stressed and it doesn't help that DS has just got an offer for uni and is pulling away, but how do I deal with this. I've told her she needs to make progress on tidying her room by tomorrow or I'm tidying it myself with binbags. She absolutely hates that idea and is calling it an invasion of privacy. Then she announced she was done with me and went in her room. (Hopefully to tidy but I suspect to cry and text her friends about her awful mother)
Am I being unreasonable by expecting her room to be tidied when her mocks are next week? Should I wait?

@Soonenough my two slovens have graduated - never had conflict with flatmates because their rooms were messy!! Both lived away from home for several years - they knew to be considerate of flatmates.

In fact the elder one was working and live in a houseshare. Some of the guys there were disgustingly dirty and unhygienic. It was a nightmare. The kitchen was disgusting and someone even kept a bicycle in it. I saw it for myself. You wouldn't even have wanted to walk in the door of it!!

The messiest and dirtiest was - a professional lady in her 40s who worked in a university...

Go back in. Apologise. Tell her you know she's stressed and that you'll help her tidy her room and you'll do it together but it does have to be at least partially done for hygiene reasons.
Don't stress about the "done with it" comment. Totally normal! Of course she's done with you. She'll be moving out in 2 years (or less) and is desperate to get the!

When mine were going through exams I helped them with their rooms by reminding them about plates, straightening the bed every day and doing their washing. Made me feel like I was supporting them and they felt supported.

No when I'm really busy at work they often run a hoover round, wash up etc etc to help as they remember that support and give it back.
Give her a hand, get it straight and she'll find it easier to manage

Leave her alone. Jesus. Pop your head and say you’re sorry and she is right as you invaded her privacy. Explain that you see it as a mess but understand she is a teen under stress and it’s part of what they do, and you’ll back off however, you do need all the dishes returned as that’s filth rather than clutter so you’ll just take all the dishes, and then leave her to it. And ask that she agrees to stick to not leaving dishes in her room and you’ll draw a line under it.

But cleaning out drawers , etc. is not a priority. Cleaning a room with food, towels , other people's belongings , mouldy food is. If she can't see this for herself , then it is up to the adult in the house to bring attention to it. You are allowed to tell a 16 year what to do . It is OK.

I am amazed how many are saying this is normal and to let it go . Guess this the reason for MN to hear others opinions. Just wondering how teenagers are going to be able to cope with really stressful issues in their future .

I'd go in and gently surface clean it out, don't root around in her drawers or cupboards, just hang up any clothes that look & smell clean, change the bed, clean the windows dust and vacuum so it's all nice and fresh because it could be all the crap in there that's adding to her mental stress. Untidiness can become a vicious circle/cycle for some people & it becomes overwhelming .
I would take out all the dirty laundry, crockery etc and bin anything you know to be rubbish like sweetie papers etc .Anything you're not sure of like magazines and stuff, put in a huge box, close the lid, label it & leave it in her room to be sorted through after her mocks. It's annoying but you really do need to a bit kinder to her while she stressed over exams.

I agree with you. There’s no way any of mine would have been allowed to have their rooms a mess, let alone smell. They’ve all managed to make it to adulthood without being traumatised at having to keep their rooms clean.

Dirty plates, cups and towels are a no, no, no in this house in teenage rooms. They know if I have I or DH have to go in and retrieve them - then for every dirty, plate, cup or towel - something they like from their room is popped into a black bin bag! A couple of times of this happening it stopped.

otherwise they can live in a pig sty! What usually works with DD and her room is tided pronto is when she does not have any clean casual clothes to wear because clean and dirty currently live on her floor in one big muddled heap!

If she cannot be bothered to bring down dirty laundry then I do not wash it! The only exception to this is underwear, socks and school uniform!

The state of DD's room infuriates me, but to her face I am icily calm about it and pretend I do not give a shit!

God I hate the 'there's no way any of mine' way of parenting that's bandied about on MN.

Thing is, now is not the time to lay down the law and put a new routine in place. The time for that was years ago, or after mocks.

We have a deal in this house that if it's around mocks or exams, we cut the teens some slack, so expect less help around the house, not make a fuss about rooms etc.

After mocks or exams are over, good time to re-establish what needs doing. I've just done that this week (after mocks), and my kitchen was sparkling clean! It's a good time to sort clothes, clean rooms and get it all going again.

For now, I'd give her a hug and say- sorry, but it was smelling in your room. I'm going to remove the plates and hang up towels, if you could do that, it would be appreciated. Otherwise, we'll get through this week.

For more house-proud people, this might not be ok, but now isn't the time to have a go about this. I also let my house go to rack and ruin when I'm busy at work, then have a day off and blitz it and I wouldn't want to be told off when rather stressed either.

Give her a laundry basket, teach her to use the washing machine. Red lines are no cricket or cutlery to be left in room, no stealing clothing. Allow the mess

People live different lives and have different standards. Hate it all you want.

TBF I don't think anyone should allow cricket in the bedrooms. The windows would be smashed on to time!

I would have taken the towels, DS dressing gown & any obvious washing out along with 'proper' rubbish (sweet wrappers etc) but wouldn't move anything with writing on it etc. folded up remaining clothes into a pile on her bed.

I'd have changed the bed & opened the blinds/curtains & window.

I would not have said a word about it.

if she had said anything other than thank you, then I'd have told her I'm not having her room getting mouldy & smelly & she needed to stop being a grot bag!

but I would not have made an issue of it, until she did.

if she'd told me she was done with me, I'd have just said 'ok, see how that pans out for you' 💁🏻‍♀️

thankfully now 18yo hasn't been too bad as she likes her room pretty clean & tidy. Occasionally have the missing mugs & a pile of sweet wrappers, mound of clothes on the otterman & stuff in the wash when I swear it hasn't been worn since it was washed, but she's a good 'kid' so 💁🏻‍♀️💁🏻‍♀️

IB mocks after half term 🫣

Surely this is the exact kind of scenario the term 'typical teenager' was coined for?

She doesn't mean it when she says she's done with you. It's hard being a teenage girl. Give her a kiss and a hug and tell her the mess can wait til after her mocks - but that it will be dealt with going forwards.

Well if I’m honest, I’d find that anyone coming to my room and tidying up with bin bags and invasion too. Same with rummaging around (eg finding your ds dressing gown).

I would have told her and left it.
If nothing had happened by Sunday afternoon, I’d have insisted again, highlighting rotten food and dirty plates.
But mainly, I’d have closed the door after telling her it is disgusting and her room isn’t a bin (and shouldn’t be treated as such).

The reality is, it’s her room. She choses how to live there.

I imagine you haven’t had teenage boys?

wet towels will stink of mould and dirty plates will dry out, you need soaking them for ages before the dirt will fall off

make up everywhere, clothes on chairs or slightly skewed duvet on bed ok but these two have to be dealt with after usage

2

Towels, bedding, plates etc. should not be allowed to sit around, normal mess is up to the child

If she has the time to create the mess she has the time to do the basics to fix it and 'oh I am stressed' is not an excuse for grossness

I have one son whose room was always immaculate and one whose room’s always a big mess, meh🤷‍♀️

My girl called this her "depression room". She even had clothes and wrappers on the bed and slept around them. Most teens are messy to some point but stress or anxiety can exacerbate the issue. Maybe there's something troubling her?

Leave her in her filth until exams are over but no plates go upstairs.

Just let her get over her tantrum, life is hard at that age. Wait until a half term and offer to help and watch a film at the same time maybe or she can tackle it independently if she'd prefer.

Change teen to husband and see the responses. Or room to desk at work in a few years.

Basic hygiene is non-negotiable, and if someone is old enough to expect you to stay out of their room, they are old enough to keep it clean. In addition, no one without the money to write off towels, carpets etc could say just leave her to it. It is completely spoiled to think not looking after your own space is acceptable.

She should either tidy it herself or accept you helping her.

Mocks aren’t the be all and end all, and she will actually do better taking a break and tidying.

OP

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