DD 16 has just said she's 'done with me'.

[couchparsnip]

The back story is that DDs is 16 and about to start mock exams. I probably couldn't have picked a worse time but I looked in her room and it is literally piled with clothes and rubbish on the floor. I found DS's dressing gown that he'd lost, 5 towels and some dirty plates and cups. It smells in there as well. I went to pick her up from dance practice, about a 20 min drive and told her during the drive that her room was unacceptable and she needed to tidy it.
She responded by literally screaming at me, crying and accusing me of invading her privacy. I didn't scream back but did tell her she was being childish and she was just trying to get out of tidying her room. She then told me she had done 'literally nothing else but work for mocks and go to dance'. Not true as she was gaming last night and watching a film on Netflix this morning.
I get that she's feeling stressed and it doesn't help that DS has just got an offer for uni and is pulling away, but how do I deal with this. I've told her she needs to make progress on tidying her room by tomorrow or I'm tidying it myself with binbags. She absolutely hates that idea and is calling it an invasion of privacy. Then she announced she was done with me and went in her room. (Hopefully to tidy but I suspect to cry and text her friends about her awful mother)
Am I being unreasonable by expecting her room to be tidied when her mocks are next week? Should I wait?

Being a parent is being able to be told that they are ‘done with you’ and realizing that she doesn’t mean it.

Being a parent is not piling on pressure about her room when she’s about to take her mocks.

Being a parent is not just sorting through her room when she’s out and telling her you’ve found stuff. She does deserve a bit of privacy to be honest.

Being a parent is realizing the above, going in, apologizing to her, say that although her room is untidy it wasn’t the best time, and that this can all wait. And then ask if she needs any support from you in the next week. And listen and ask if she’s stressed and scared.

Then give her a hug.

This 👏👏👏

Read that to yourself…

She’ll be wanting money or a lift in about five minutes. Tell her you’re done with her and her stinking room. Don’t facilitate dance classes, etc. She can get her room in order and then come and ask…

I agree with this and all the other posts saying a similar thing. Yes I picked a bad time. I think I was just cross about the lack of towels, dressing gown and plates.
Last night we agreed she would bring plates and dirty washing out and the rest of the mess can wait until after exams.
She also made chocolate covered strawberries and gave me half of them - which is a lovely olive branch.

Yes but that was knocked back straight away!

Fgs - you picked a terrible time?!

No you didn’t - her room is a disgrace and you asked her to clean it - it’s not like you told her you were divorcing her father!

Oh and you get her to tidy her room by removing her phone and asking her to come find you once it’s done and once you’ve inspected it you will return the phone

You don’t learn resilience by stopping basic life skills when other things get hard. You learn resilience by keeping going. And that include the bare minimum of keeping yourself and environment hygienic.

As parents it is our jobs to enforce boundaries and to reframe situations. Mocks are not that stressful, they seem to be, but there are absolutely no consequences to not doing well. By going in and saying it’s ok to have an unhygienic room (I’m not talking about mess but the wet towels and food left out) is telling her that the mocks are so stressful and she can’t cope with them.

It is a false kindness that is deskilling her to cope with all the shit that life will throw at her.

Especially if you swoop in and solve the problem for her, the message that sends is she can’t cope and needs someone else to save her.

You can acknowledge she is feeling under pressure, but she still needs to keep up the basics. Make her a cuppa but the room does need cleaned. In the same way that she still needs to shower and brush teeth. These are non-negotiables (if these aren’t possible then you need a mental health check asap). You can apologise for being cross/ getting angry but still re-enforce that it needs done.

I suggested I clean it but she threatened to leave if I did. I know she didn't mean that exactly but she is strongly against that idea!

Can't believe how many people are telling OP SHE has to apologise when it was her DD that screamed at her. Just for saying having dirty plates in her room is not on. She'll be screaming even more when there are mice in her room 🙄

I would insist on getting it cleaned one way or another.
It's unhealthy physically and mentally to live live like that.
My teens grumble about tidying up their rooms too but I tell them they're still rooms in my house and it's not acceptable. Then they're really happy when it's all tidied and cleaned.
Don't take her comments personally. She's overwhelmed and lashing out.

Thanks for the solidarity! It's such a tricky time.
I do feel like a bad parent when I see her room but she's not a bad kid. She has agreed to keep it at least hygienic and then at some point in the holidays she will clear it properly.

Blimey you don't have to choose between tidying your room and revising. A 16 yr old should be able to manage both in a day.

This idea that mocks are a reason to live in squalor is just odd and unhealthy.

I've had teenagers they've left home now but I didn't let them live in squalor. We had basic standards that were expected by everyone who lives here: dirty crockery is brought down daily, wet towels are hung up, dirty clothes are put in the washing basket and clean clothes are put away. If your room becomes so untidy you can't see the floor you need to sort it out.

This idea of just letting young people live in filthy squalor is I'm very sure terrible for their mental health.

Of course they don't want to tidy and your DDs grand protestations about 'being done with you' are quite normal, but your role as a parent is to convey the boundaries that you view as reasonable and important. And I do think it's important not to live in filth. for lots of reasons it's not good for you.

Your situation seems like a normal teenage parenting one to me. And I hugely disagree with the majority response here. I'd be saying I expect you to tidy and revise, and you can cry and shout as much as you like, both are reasonable expectations for a 16year old.

I do the bedrooms when they have mocks or they're stressed about something academic. I'd rather they spent their time sorting out what they are stressed about. And to be fair, they tend to have a blitz once they are done and have more time.

THIS
it's much easier to revise in a clean tidy room.
At 11 me and my sister were cleaning (hoovering and dusting) our parents entire house and there were a lot of rooms.
We did and got pocket money.
My best friend did the same.
And she also did some bookkeeping as well - said friend is very successfully self employed now.

https://www.bountyparents.com.au/expert-advice/rice-mouse-poo-cleaning-hack/

Whilst this is being talked about by teens on TikTok, you could make something similar out of dark plasticine.

Or maybe someone with pet mice could share you some of their poop.

If she's done with you then she won't be accepting you clothing and feeding her.... oh wait!

My only concession would be I'd offer to help her tidy and organise if it feels overwhelming.

In fact tidying together and achieving a lovely organised environment through working together can be really bonding. You can then tuck her into a lovely clean bed and I assure you she'll be much happier in her clean organised room.

No wonder so many young people have mental health issues when they're being allowed to live in squalor and not taught healthy ways to live.
Another way that modern 'supportive' parenting is actually leading to kids being miserable.

Your environment impacts how you feel.

I don't think the OP has been unkind - in my house the rule is that kids either clean their own rooms or I will do it. But they don't get to leave manky plates and wet towels/dirty clothes all over their rooms. A parent is not unreasonable for wanting their home not to stink or get mice!

I'm sure the OP is supporting her dd through mocks, and yes it is stressful. But most of us managed to get through school without screaming abuse at our mothers. Mine would have handed me my arse if I spoke to her like that!
OP doesn't have to accept this just because her dd is a teen and doing exams. And dd has a choice - either maintain basic cleanliness standards or accept mum in her room doing it for her!

I never went into my teenagers' rooms. Told them as long as the smell didn't seep out into the hall they could live how they liked!

But they were never allowed friends round if their room was a mess.

Some battles are not worth fighting.

Glad to see some sanity has returned to this thread!

When it comes to teens, a few things are worth remembering (learned these over several years as a teacher):

High expectations: This was always the first teaching standard and took me years to understand. It means believing that the pupil (works equally well as a parent) can do well AND enforcing that expectation with appropriate sanctions.

Praise, praise, praise (but not vacuous praise): Everyone responds well to praise, but teens see through meaningless praise in a second. Sometimes you have to look hard for something to praise, but it will happen eventually, and then you can create a virtuous circle.

Clear and firm instructions: I was taught never to say please but always to thank. I ended up ignoring the not saying please but a lot, but it can be effective if you are being ignored and ‘please’ can be seen as weakness.

Don’t just tell but explain and show, and break tasks down:I learned this the hard way by telling a class to ‘tidy up after a science practical’. Mess, smashed test tubes, filthy and blocked sinks etc etc. Now I always break things down into step by step instructions and demo it first. Same for my own teens when I tell them to tidy their rooms. I explain step by step how to do it and help them (they are younger teens). Eventually ‘tidy your room’ will work, but only after they know how to do it and understand the expectation and why it is a good thing to do.

Lead by example: This clearly applies to any leadership. No good to tell a teen to tidy a room if your own is filthy!

The idea that letting a teen be a total slob and bringing them a hot chocolate is good parenting couldn’t be further from the truth. A good parent is not a mate.

Get her to tidy her room she's 16, not 6!
Tidying her room wont make her fail her exams. Not only that, it can't be a healthy environment for her or condusive to studying.

One warning of, if you don't sort that shit pit out, I will with a bin bag and I won't be selective.

Only had to do it once here.

Those saying let her live in it is poor parenting, I disagree. By 16, I'm not micro-managing my teenagers rooms. I don't allow dirty plates, I don't allow festering towels, and I require a change of bedding, either they do it or I enter and do it. That's about stopping the house getting smelly. I would reiterate those rules calmly. Beyond that, it's their space.

I believe in natural consequences, so if your room is horrid, your friends don't come over and everyone thinks you re a bit disgusting. Having friends or a boyfriend stay over has encouraged cleaning no end in our house. Also, if your friends stay over, and the house isn't left immaculate, then you don't get another party/event, end of story. Again, no issues with clean houses after a sleepover or small party.

I used to manage my kid's homework when they were 11, now I don't. Same with rooms, especially 16-18, this is a good time for them to start becoming motivated to clean in their own right, even just through embarrassment!

I was the biggest scrotbag ever as a teenager, like absolutely foul, and not once did we have mice.