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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 16 has just said she's 'done with me'.

109 replies

couchparsnip · 10/02/2024 19:37

The back story is that DDs is 16 and about to start mock exams. I probably couldn't have picked a worse time but I looked in her room and it is literally piled with clothes and rubbish on the floor. I found DS's dressing gown that he'd lost, 5 towels and some dirty plates and cups. It smells in there as well. I went to pick her up from dance practice, about a 20 min drive and told her during the drive that her room was unacceptable and she needed to tidy it.
She responded by literally screaming at me, crying and accusing me of invading her privacy. I didn't scream back but did tell her she was being childish and she was just trying to get out of tidying her room. She then told me she had done 'literally nothing else but work for mocks and go to dance'. Not true as she was gaming last night and watching a film on Netflix this morning.
I get that she's feeling stressed and it doesn't help that DS has just got an offer for uni and is pulling away, but how do I deal with this. I've told her she needs to make progress on tidying her room by tomorrow or I'm tidying it myself with binbags. She absolutely hates that idea and is calling it an invasion of privacy. Then she announced she was done with me and went in her room. (Hopefully to tidy but I suspect to cry and text her friends about her awful mother)
Am I being unreasonable by expecting her room to be tidied when her mocks are next week? Should I wait?

OP posts:
youhavenoidea123 · 11/02/2024 12:30

I made the decision to pick my battles when mine were teens.

I left their rooms it was their space to live how they wanted.

If I noticed we were low on cutlery or mugs etc. I'd send a message to our group Snapchat that I was having a mug amnesty and I was expecting mugs to appear in the kitchen with no questions asked.

It took away the confrontation and more often than not they brought into it and the mugs appeared.

They are both at uni now. I have noticed when they come home the my are much better at tidying after themselves.

iwannacoolrider · 11/02/2024 13:00

Make her tidy her room, it will take a couple of hours max and she can revise after.
I also wouldn't put up with a 16 year old leaving mugs/plates all over her room, not only should she bring them down she needs to wash them up.
If you're going to let her get away with this because of moc exams when will it end, she'll have GCSEs, A levels, uni..

MaloneMeadow · 11/02/2024 13:39

My DD’s room was always awful during exam periods - cut her a bit of slack. She’s stressed out

TammyJones · 12/02/2024 07:48

StrawberryWasp · 11/02/2024 11:23

My only concession would be I'd offer to help her tidy and organise if it feels overwhelming.

In fact tidying together and achieving a lovely organised environment through working together can be really bonding. You can then tuck her into a lovely clean bed and I assure you she'll be much happier in her clean organised room.

No wonder so many young people have mental health issues when they're being allowed to live in squalor and not taught healthy ways to live.
Another way that modern 'supportive' parenting is actually leading to kids being miserable.

Your environment impacts how you feel.

So well put.
Your environment really does affect your mental health.

W0tnow · 16/02/2024 08:52

I agree with picking battles. Their rooms have always been my hill to die on. They’re not always pristine, but they must make their beds, and have them reasonably tidy. No food in there. Ever. Or anything but water. Sure, they break rules from time to time. But I would never allow their room to deteriorate to the point of stench or squalor.

The invasion of privacy is a red herring. I don’t rummage through their drawers or their personal stuff. But I absolutely will go into their rooms and tell them to sort them out if they are becoming scruffy or messy. It’s my house.

Northernlass1234 · 17/02/2024 00:03

Wow! I have a 16 year old DD and her room can also be quite messy. However, she knows she has to make her bed and is not allowed food upstairs.

i don’t think you did anything wrong. Tidy room tidy mind.

i might offer to help her if she’s gets too worked up about it.

CadyEastman · 17/02/2024 08:40

Were her mocks over this last week @couchparsnip? How has this week been?

bendmeoverbackwards · 18/02/2024 23:46

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 11/02/2024 09:15

You don’t learn resilience by stopping basic life skills when other things get hard. You learn resilience by keeping going. And that include the bare minimum of keeping yourself and environment hygienic.

As parents it is our jobs to enforce boundaries and to reframe situations. Mocks are not that stressful, they seem to be, but there are absolutely no consequences to not doing well. By going in and saying it’s ok to have an unhygienic room (I’m not talking about mess but the wet towels and food left out) is telling her that the mocks are so stressful and she can’t cope with them.

It is a false kindness that is deskilling her to cope with all the shit that life will throw at her.

Especially if you swoop in and solve the problem for her, the message that sends is she can’t cope and needs someone else to save her.

You can acknowledge she is feeling under pressure, but she still needs to keep up the basics. Make her a cuppa but the room does need cleaned. In the same way that she still needs to shower and brush teeth. These are non-negotiables (if these aren’t possible then you need a mental health check asap). You can apologise for being cross/ getting angry but still re-enforce that it needs done.

Excellent post @OhBeAFineGuyKissMe

healthadvice123 · 19/02/2024 00:29

I would meet halfway, dirty plates and cups out , rubbish thrown away and wet towels in wash. The rest can stay, rubbish and dirty plates can encourage flies/ rodents etc and damp towels go mouldy and could cause mouldy floors etc
in life ae have to still do the basics even when working hard , studying etc and it would take prob 15 mins max.
as for invading personal space , I always said to mine i would have no reason to enter unless they gave me one and encouraging rodents or making house smell would give reason as that has an impact on the rest of the house .

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