DD 16 has just said she's 'done with me'.

[couchparsnip]

The back story is that DDs is 16 and about to start mock exams. I probably couldn't have picked a worse time but I looked in her room and it is literally piled with clothes and rubbish on the floor. I found DS's dressing gown that he'd lost, 5 towels and some dirty plates and cups. It smells in there as well. I went to pick her up from dance practice, about a 20 min drive and told her during the drive that her room was unacceptable and she needed to tidy it.
She responded by literally screaming at me, crying and accusing me of invading her privacy. I didn't scream back but did tell her she was being childish and she was just trying to get out of tidying her room. She then told me she had done 'literally nothing else but work for mocks and go to dance'. Not true as she was gaming last night and watching a film on Netflix this morning.
I get that she's feeling stressed and it doesn't help that DS has just got an offer for uni and is pulling away, but how do I deal with this. I've told her she needs to make progress on tidying her room by tomorrow or I'm tidying it myself with binbags. She absolutely hates that idea and is calling it an invasion of privacy. Then she announced she was done with me and went in her room. (Hopefully to tidy but I suspect to cry and text her friends about her awful mother)
Am I being unreasonable by expecting her room to be tidied when her mocks are next week? Should I wait?

This💕

What? There's a hell of a difference between a teen and a husband.

The messy environment can add to stress in itself. Tidy home, tidy mind. She'll probably feel better when it's clear.
I'd cut her some slack due to exams, but maybe offer to help her tidy it as a compromise?

@OpalOrchid ,

A 16 year old is just as capable as keeping their room clean and tidy as an adult.

It is only in a very tiny subsection of society in a very tiny subsection of the world that teens are given so much privilege and so little responsibility.

And yet people are absolutely convinced that this is right, and we wonder why anxiety and depression in teens is so high.

They need guidance and support and help to become adults, but this includes expectations that they start behaving more like them, and consequences if they don’t. High expectations isn’t just hoping for the best.

Agree with helping with the tidying. Sometimes starting is the hardest bit.

I'd take plates, cups, food out when I went in my DDs bedroom in the morning to make sure she was getting up. Same with towels. I was a horribly messy teen and my mum was like you. No interest in what i was doing just endless moaning about my room and how awful it was. So long as you can close the door and there is nothing living in there other than DD get over it. Will you lie on your death bed sad that her room wasn't tidy?

Towels, crockery and glasses need to come out and rubbish must be put in a bin. She can leave the rest until her mocks are over.

They need to be teenagers.

Mocks are somewhat stressful, especially for hard working kids, but I don't think we help kids when we act like it's the most traumatic thing ever experienced by human kind. (I don't think you are doing this OP but it does happen sometimes with well meaning parents).

A) they are mocks, not actual GCSEs - the sky would not fall if she underachieved in them.

B) the sky wouldn't ACTUALLY fall even if she underachieved in the real things. They are important, sure, but it helps kids if we retain, and encourage, perspective.

So I think you are entirely right to still inspect her to do some basics of normal hygienic life. If she is accumulating dirty plates and towels, and her room is smelling, that is actually having an impact on others in the family too - OK not a terrible one - but even so.....

I think you are right to comment on it and ask her to sort it. The bin bag threat does sound inflammatory (would you really bin her stuff? Surely you wouldn't. Or is the threat simply to bundle it up so at least it is out of the way - that is not as bad....)

You love her and in the long run it's not worth falling out over. I would go and say, look DD, sorry if I went too far saying the bin bag thing, but I hope you also see life can't revolve just around mocks. I'm here for you and will help as much as I can, but please can you do at least a general tidy and remove dirty stuff?

Make peace and move on. I promise you life and your time with your daughter is too short and precious for drama over these small matters....

Inspect not expect sorry. Don't inspect - that sounds overly judgy!

Expect not inspect - bloody Hell!

I agree with this, and add on can she pass you the towels and the plates and just try not to keep any more in there this week

To be honest my flat can get like
This when I'm really stretched at work or my son and me are both ill and lots on- I wouldn't take kindly to being told off and shamed by my mum about it at a stressful time when I'm
Trying my best and I'm in my 30s, not a hormonal teen!

My daughter’s room was a shit tip at 16 . She now has a home that actually shames me 😂

You can't turn back time and instill the basics of a tidy room now OP, and it sounds like bad timing on your part.
However I agree with the PPs that kids can keep rooms clean, mocks or not. There are basic levels of cleanliness (no wet towels, no crocks) that should be done by all.
If parents are greeting messy roomed teens with extra chocolate it's no wonder they have no resilience.

Yeah but you can tackle this kindly.
'There's a lot of dirty plates and towels in your room, I know you've been very stressed but we need to make sure your room is clean and safe and fresh for you and we don't want mice, would you like to bring these down stairs at put away when you get back or would you like me to come to your room with you to help' basically like how you offer a toddler fake choices but retain your boundary about what needs to get done.

The reason teen said 'I'm done with you' is because she feels like she's not being understood or listened to and her emotions aren't being cared about.

"she was gaming last night and watching a film on Netflix this morning. "

So most people are saying "Poor little snowflake" ?

I'd go in with a box, & tell her to put all crockery in it, & take it downstairs.
The wet towels s will start to smell. They need washing.
All her clothes can stay rank on the floor, but remind her she will smell, & you wont be bothering further. Then if she still doesn't "woman" up, there would be no gaming.
Its your house, you pay the bills, feed & home her.
You have asked her to do one simple task that will take an hour. & she throws a strop... It will get so much worse.
Make a stand

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Me too ! I am no perfect housekeeper and things can pile up . But this seems pretty bad if the mother mentioned it. And I know it will be controversial when I say that having a tantrum at 16 because your mother says your room is unacceptably dirty should not be indulged .And Mum should not feel bad . No matter how stressed daughter is it really is not OK to use your mother as an emotional punching bag . I hope daughter comes down , apologises and start the evening again.

Have you offered to help her sort it?

She's 16, old enough to keep her room tidy or at least not a health hazard.

I'd just make sure there's a washing basket in or close to her room and the bathroom and retrieve plates if she doesn't bring them back. Better no food on plates upstairs at all.
Mocks are stressful.

my daughter used to use the floor instead of the wardrobe for her clothes, I started to call it the floor robe. As for dirty pots, it was disgusting. In the end I gave in and just shut the door to the room and no longer cleaned it, it irked me greatly knowing that one room in the house was a shit hole but I’d had enough.

I was so tidy at her age, but then again my dad was ex army and we had no choice. Since leaving home she now understands why I used to get the arse on and admits she was a nightmare.

Have already commented but teenagers are revolting generally with their rooms.
Just pick your battles and if they want to live in a tip just close the door.
My one friend who had teenagers keeping their room immaculate because of her high standards are not doing brilliantly in the real world!

I used to have a pre-agreed area I would clear- the towels, cups, lunchboxes would be moved out. This bit took me about 5 minutes. I would strip her bed and leave the sheets on the bed for her to put on.

However, I was very strict about the other areas- I wouldn't go into her drawers/desk/wardrobe, look in bags, read cards etc; just so she could have some privacy.

We discussed this and she agreed that this was fine. She was actually glad to have the damp towels and mouldy cups shifted; it meant if she was looking for coursework/books it was easier to find.

On Friday, I would ask if there was anything that needed washing for the week ahead- so we could avoid last minute end of the world drama's because she couldn't find the exact pair of jeans she wanted.

It meant there was a certain level of untidiness I just had to cope with, she had a decent level of privacy but the damp towels and mouldy cups magically disappeared on a Thursday when I have the morning off. GCSE's are pretty stressful.

Pop your head and say you’re sorry and she is right as you invaded her privacy

Didn't she invade her brother's privacy when she took his dressing gown, presumably without asking, and didn't return it? Is she going to say sorry for that?

And 'teach her to use the washing machine'? Do people really reach the age of sixteen not knowing how to put on a load of washing?