Have your teens effected your mental health?

[2girls76]

Just that! My mental health is at its worst because of struggling to cope with my teens behaviour and their mental health. The rollercoaster of emotions, constant worry and anxiety and the mum guilt is horrendous. Have accessed loads of support for them but nothing for myself. Did try antidepressants but I didn't need them, I wasn't depressed just so burnt out with dealing with my teen. Struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel and worried this might be our lives now.
So just wondering how everyone else copes and what help there is out there for parents?

Thanks Chrysanthemum5 . Just reading all your recent posts and sending hugs. I am not great with words and advice . Totally get where you are all coming from. When DS stopped going to main stream school . I got told it was my fault at one point as I cried with frustration each morning as had to go to work too. I had 18 months of him not going. Apparently this made him more defiant. DS is adopted so i have a few attachment issues too. One good thing out of it though i had a great adoption support worker who helped with echp hence his alternative school now which for 20 months he went regularly but slipping again before the summer. It was a relief when he started going regularly. Apparently also I shld not have asked his then friends when at main stream if there was any reason why I thought he was not going. Perhaps I shldnt have but was desperate. Must be hard too if you have other kids too. Totally agree with lots of things on here especially we just want our kids to go out etc.DS never goes out. Will try and have a good read of this thread later on my big computer screen. Gotta be up at 6 and isomina and worry kicking in. DS is wide wake. Remember you are all great parents and we only want the best.

@treacledan71 Waves from fellow adopter.
PAS really stepped forward for us with DD;
4 years on and we are slowly tailing therapy off, but it has helped so much.

"- feeling relief that you also question some of the expert advice you’re given, which adds another layer of doubting and second guessing to every single action you take. I think we’ve all got horrific memories of dragging them in, it’s burned in my brain. But I have made peace with the mistakes I’ve made (and am making) - I remind myself that I was doing what I thought was best at the time and that I have learned what not to do, even if I don’t know what TO do! And that the key thing is to keep moving forward, not regretting things that have passed."

Completely agree @TISSHA and normally I'm ok at accepting that. I am at the stage now of just not really listening to the experts because they have made no real difference. Plus their advice changes all the time, so you do one thing and then a month or so later that's wrong!

I have agreed with the school that DD will do the lessons on her own and join live lessons if she feels better in a few weeks. But I am still panicking about whether she is actually doing any of the work (I can check the system to a certain level but not fully). So, I am now trying to relax, and I'm going to go for a walk!

Hi ahh really. Happy to chat if wish privately as we do have to be careful.

@Chrysanthemum5 Your words are very wise. I hope your walk helped your well-being. Ds did go again today !

I’m so sorry you’re all struggling. Sending love and strength to you all.

We’re not at this point yet (dd only 8) but she has anxiety and that has been hard enough. Dreading what the teenage years might bring already.

OP my heart goes out to you. I am in a 'quiet phase' and am storing up my battery for when things go t*ts up again. What a roller coaster. Nothing could prepare me for this. One thing that I am noticing is how often I get "triggered" by my DS. I can often find ways to count to 10, breathe, or drink cold water BEFORE I react. This is of course a tiny thing but it has helped me quite a bit to de-escalate myself and consequently my teen(s).

How,are we all? He never went today said had headache! Only goes in 3 hours on a Friday though .Hope not start things to come. Hope have a good weekend all. This will make yoy laugh but got me a bit upset. Support worker said I should encourage him more ti go to school and go out! Wtf does she think I am doing and tried over last 5 years. Got to laugh. Did tell her this in nicer words.

@treacledan71 I've lost count of the number of people who say I should make E do something such as go to school or go to bed at a reasonable time etc. I just ignore them. But in my head I'm telling them to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when they get there to do a fucking fandango

And I don't swear 😂

Omg I love that phrase. Its my new phrase to use now lol. I got told by the adoption in the end just stop making an issue when wldnt go which in the end I did as crying and shouting never worked years ago and this is why she apparently said I should encourage more. Gave me some sayings too to ask him questions. Just ignoring more for a 4 year old. Hope u r well xx

Hugs to you @treacledan71 I've lost count of the number of times I've been given advice we've already tried; or told we need to be tougher; or told we are too hard on her etc. They completely ignore that we managed to raise another child well so it's not our parenting and it's almost never the parenting! Children with complex needs don't respond to simple solutions

Can I join?

my Ds is going through MH issues and I am going through menopause - both suck.

i am at my wits end - we are throwing money at the problem but DS is resentful of everything I do. He threatens us and swears at us - he doesn’t care about money so no point stopping pocket money, we can’t are away WiFi/phone as he needs those for school and if we try any punishments he threatens to kill himself.

our elder DD is doing so well and I know this will cause long term resentment from DS.

he blames us for everything even though we have given him choices and we are working with him on the choices he made - he then says it wasn’t what he chose at all.

I swing between trying to help and wanting him to move out. He wants us to pay for everything and to be able to stop school and game all night and sleep all day.

Yes, we have huge ups and downs here, a year last year where 16yo ds didn’t want to go to school, was sadder than he’s ever been and hooked on screens. It’s like having young kids again, coaxing, bribing (with food, covering costs for town trips etc) to get them to get involved with board games, trips out, to hand over screens etc but it’s helped. I sometimes try to just sit with them when they’re watching YouTube or gaming and just not bother them and sometimes we end up chatting, sometimes not. Hugs op, my life in the last few years is unrecognisable

edited to add: make sure you get yourself back too, the kids need that (and you!). So start back with the tiny things that make you more content in life and look after yourself too xxxx

Nice to have this thread OP, thanks for starting it. @stayathomer , you make great points. My counsellor reminded me this week that the most important thing is to reconnect with myself and my own values and self/soul/spirit, otherwise I will be overcome with worry and despair. I took this to heart and have had a more peaceful week with teen(s) as a result. Nothing has changed per se but I feel a bit calmer and have been getting out for walks and made a plan to walk with a neighbour next week. Small things can help us reconnect with life!

Can you send them to another school??

Hi @igiveuptrying ; sorry you are also here, but welcome! Very similar set up in our house; older ones flying, youngest in just an absolute mess of hideous mental health issues. And all the difficulties that come with the dichotomy of having to parent in two totally different ways. Our DS’s sound eerily similar; sleeping, gaming, entitlement and So Much Anger.

There is so much comfort in knowing others are going through similar; I feel so distanced from even old friends who just can’t understand the complexity of the situation we find ourselves in. Totally not their fault as it is unimanginable until you are in the thick of it yourself.

Protecting our own mental health is so important; I felt so guilty about just heading out for the day to walk a lot, wander round the shops, get my nails done etc but now I know it is just vital to get that break. And have a small, happy, peaceful window to savour.

@stayathomer ; that is a good tip, to just sit with them to try to keep a connection. Just being together does seem to make a difference, we have made a sickly sweet tiktok recipe this week which was a nice moment for both of us.

Battle on all, happy Sunday

@TISSHA it is so different & hard to talk to people about. Their kids are all doing well and I am happy for them but it’s hard when all the chat is about how well their children are doing and I get the feeling that they are just happy it’s not their child going through this. One even seems to be happy he’s not doing well.

I know we should prioritise our mental health but hard when you have all that to deal with and some days the shouting and blaming gets me down. Going to try to make more of an effort. Have found some reels that make me feel a bit better about the situation so keep sending those to DH.

We have tried to be with DS more but he just keeps his headphones on and seems to revel in not being part of anything we do…. Will keep trying in the hope he joins in eventually…

Hope you are all having peaceful Sundays

I needed to read this thread today. I haven't read all of the posts but I will. I'm so sorry to hear this op and others who are in a similar situation.

My dd is about to go to university and her anxiety is off the charts (she is also ND) and this has some effects. She is lashing out at me. Everything I seem to do to try and help is wrong. She's being rude and obnoxious but I believe it is to do with her anxiety and me being her safe space. I tell her when she is being rude etc. so I don't just keep taking it as such. My mental health is taking a huge battering. It takes so much energy to keep myself regulated. I also have younger dc and I'm likely to get more of the same shortly. Self care, self care, self care and the lovely ear of a friend. I have also signed up for some counselling as I have other issues going on currently too.

Today I am sat thinking it would have been nice not to get married or have kids.
I know I should count my blessings and all that...
Some days it just doesn't feel like it
Maybe the Sunday evening blues coupled with the endless school term and the rubbish weather we have had this weekend.
😞

Yes, and...the gift of the perimenopause/menopause to go with it.

Lp of a Ds with ADHD and Asd..

I ended up on anti depressants last year still on them a year later - both myself and Gp agree it is not a chemical depression - simply meds to help me live with the situation

I’m not sure this will be helpful but I have a teeenager who had a hideous year 11. She was rude and entitled. We let so much go because of her anxiety.

the things that have helped were recognising that she does have panic attacks. GP prescribed propranolol. This was good in that she was listened to and given an actual solution. She tried counselling but it came to nothing.

the other thing was a suggestion on here. A personal trainer. I never would have thought of it but something about another adult who she can respect (not an insta filtered model) has been brilliant.

I won’t say everything has solved but she has a very poor self image so actually recognising the reality of health and fitness in her wellbeing has been a game changer for us.

This is exactly how I feel as I watch my 17 year old dd sink herself into a pit of anxiety. I'm no clinician, but I believe that she has some sort of PTSD from traumatic bullying that resulted in her old school kicking HER out and another impending transition at the end of year 13 has brought it all up again.

I feel like I watching a car crash, waiting for her to break down completely before she is finally kind to herself and accepts some help.

she I've been trying to get 16yo DD to work out. It might not get her into school but it would give her a boost. I could afford a personal trainer for her or a weekly tennis session but she won't do it.

We went a very long route to get there. It involved me asking her to support me joining a new gym. It then turned into a conversation about what she would do (1:1 where she doesn’t know anyone) and what she wouldn’t do (swim/group workouts).

As I said it was an idea on one of the other teenage threads that made me consider it. I thought of it like therapy bills.

it took handholding and tongue biting - she was quite anxious but yeah it’s working for now.