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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old can’t continue to live here. How do I go about this?

111 replies

WitsEnd10 · 05/01/2024 17:31

DS1 is 16. He has no relationship with his biological father and I have no way of contacting him/don’t know where he lives. (He was violent and abusive)
The relationship between DS1 and us (me and DH) has broken down beyond repair at this point in time. He is uncontrollable, rude, verbally abusive, has physically attacked me on two occasions. He has just returned home after nine days of little to no contact and refuses to tell us where he’s been. We strongly suspect he’s using drugs. He attends college sporadically and has already left one course due to “not liking it” and he’s on the verge of being kicked off this one. We have two younger children aged 8 and 6 and I am disabled with chronic health conditions that are seriously affected by stress. I cannot live with him any longer. What can I do? How do I ensure he has somewhere to go? Do I need to speak to social services? Please help.

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 05/01/2024 17:36

Your poor son. He only has you, you can't abandon him. Speak to your GP about the putative drug use, maybe his college as well to see what support they can offer. If he is taking drugs addressing that and the reasons why he is doing that is the way forward, not throwing your child out.

stayathomer · 05/01/2024 17:38

16 is so young, how come he isn’t still in school? Have you ever been able to just have a conversation with him? It’s a lot to have a new dad where the other isn’t in contact. (If he physically attacked you I know this isn’t just a plain you aren’t trying thing, what happened when he attacked you, what did he say afterwards?)

Original poster
WitsEnd10 · 05/01/2024 17:40

We’re not abandoning him. We’ve tried everything we can to be there for him and support him. He refuses to engage with any help we try to offer and laughs at us. His college have basically said that they’ve offered as much support as they can but that he’s having a detrimental impact on other students learning on a daily basis. He’s regularly sent home or doesn’t go. Whenever we try to speak to him about anything at all he just tells us that it’s none of our business what he does as he’s 16. It was his choice not to have a relationship with his father, he previously saw him regularly but three years ago he decided he no longer wanted to.

OP posts:
Goldfishonabike · 05/01/2024 17:42

That sounds very very hard. You have my sympathy. And I understand why you feel you can’t take care of this boy anymore. But. And it’s a big but.
you have no choice. He is your sons and not an adult yet. You have to take care of him. Put extremely firm limits in place w regards to his actions, such as giving him a certain amount of pocket money (teenagers usually love for cash) and then he has to live up to conditions to get them. Like attending school, contributing to running the household and not being (too) rude. Don’t abandon your own child. You’ll regret it later if you do.

Noroomontheshelf · 05/01/2024 17:43

What support have you had with your son? your local authority should have family support workers or preventative interventions from social services. If you had not had these, request them. Charities nay also be able to offer support to your son, try Banardoes, they were great for me.

Your son sounds miserable, utterly lost and kicking out in despair or fear or anger at his life. Something is going on and he needs professional support to help him navigate it.

I found that once you I in the system, it’s surprising how much support there was.

RedChester · 05/01/2024 17:43

Have you spoken to the local police? Safeguarding team at the council? It sounds like a county lines issue if he is disappearing for days.

But no, you can’t abandon him when he is so clearly at risk of exploitation unless you have tried absolutely everything to help him. That includes speaking to the police and social services. He only has you. You have to want to fight for him.

Mrgrinch · 05/01/2024 17:43

Is he a danger to your other children?

Kalevala · 05/01/2024 17:43

16 is so young, how come he isn’t still in school?

Presumably he will turn 17 this academic year if he is in college. They do GCSEs and finish school at 15/16.

Original poster
WitsEnd10 · 05/01/2024 17:44

He’s at college (when he attends). He doesn’t have a new dad, he was 15 months old when I separated from his biological father and DH and I have been together for 11 years. They’ve always had a good relationship until the last year or so, as did we. His behaviour has just changed so dramatically over the course of the last year. On both occasions he attacked me it was because I was insisting he HAD to go to college when he was refusing to leave the house. On both occasions he grabbed me and shoved me backwards hard (he’s much bigger than me) and then immediately left the house screaming obscenities. He’s never apologised or showed any remorse.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 05/01/2024 17:45

OP already said he’s supposed to be at college (but has left one and only sporadically attends the other)

16 year olds males can be physically intimidating. OP needs to protect the younger children.

NoSquirrels · 05/01/2024 17:46

You need support from social services.

Sunflower8848 · 05/01/2024 17:47

I think there’s something else going on…that behaviour doesn’t usually just come out of nowhere. Are you aware of anything traumatic that’s happened to him? Or girlfriend rejection? Bullying, peer rejection? In my experience there’s usually a reason, try and pinpoint when exactly it started. Don’t give up on him.

Original poster
WitsEnd10 · 05/01/2024 17:48

He has a part time job which he does attend, so offering pocket money makes no difference. We’ve had some support from the police after reporting him missing on several occasions, but they tell us they can’t force drug testing and he’s never had any illegal substances with him. A woman from children’s services at the council came to speak to him on a number of occasions but it was basically a box ticking exercise to make sure he wasn’t at risk of abuse at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitsEnd10 · 05/01/2024 17:50

I’d like to be able to say no, but it’s like a red mist descends and he doesn’t take any notice of his surroundings. I don’t think he’d hurt them on purpose, but I also know that there’s a risk he’d lash out and one of them would get caught in the crossfire because he’s blind to it. The second time he attacked me it was in front of them.

OP posts:
willowthecat · 05/01/2024 17:52

16 is the age at which a young person can leave home but it's unlikely Social Work will offer any assistance - their role has changed greatly over the years and they are primarily signposters to 3rd party services rather than direct providers of services. Unless you can set him up in a flat, there is no clear way for him to leave. I know this not what you want to hear and you should seek help from the police if he continues to attack you, don't give him any money if he won't attend college. Make it clear you expect him to make plans for the future to leave if he really can't live with you peacefully

Original poster
WitsEnd10 · 05/01/2024 17:52

RedChester · 05/01/2024 17:43

Have you spoken to the local police? Safeguarding team at the council? It sounds like a county lines issue if he is disappearing for days.

But no, you can’t abandon him when he is so clearly at risk of exploitation unless you have tried absolutely everything to help him. That includes speaking to the police and social services. He only has you. You have to want to fight for him.

This was my concern, especially as I found a second phone in his bedroom. The police have seen it but apparently it’s been wiped, there’s no SIM card, and he told them a friend gave it to him.

OP posts:
Goldfishonabike · 05/01/2024 17:52

Ah that sounds very hard. Are there any other consequences you can give him to
out a stop to his abuse?

Original poster
WitsEnd10 · 05/01/2024 17:55

willowthecat · 05/01/2024 17:52

16 is the age at which a young person can leave home but it's unlikely Social Work will offer any assistance - their role has changed greatly over the years and they are primarily signposters to 3rd party services rather than direct providers of services. Unless you can set him up in a flat, there is no clear way for him to leave. I know this not what you want to hear and you should seek help from the police if he continues to attack you, don't give him any money if he won't attend college. Make it clear you expect him to make plans for the future to leave if he really can't live with you peacefully

We have stopped giving him money as he wasn’t attending college. We used to top up his travel card but he was just using it to go to a friend’s house instead so we stopped that too. We’ve even said to him that if he wants to move out we’ll do what we can to help, but that if he wants to stay at home he has to be respectful, let us know what time he’ll be home etc and attend college. He says he wants to stay here and he’ll do that and then 24 hours later he’s screaming abuse at us for asking him to go to college/telling him that college have called me to say he hasn’t been in and disappearing for days.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitsEnd10 · 05/01/2024 17:58

Sunflower8848 · 05/01/2024 17:47

I think there’s something else going on…that behaviour doesn’t usually just come out of nowhere. Are you aware of anything traumatic that’s happened to him? Or girlfriend rejection? Bullying, peer rejection? In my experience there’s usually a reason, try and pinpoint when exactly it started. Don’t give up on him.

We’ve tried to get to the bottom of it all so many times. I’m loathe to blame others, but a lot of it seems to have started when he started spend a lot of time with a particular friend. He lives with his grandmother as his parents are both dead and essentially he does as he likes. Drinking, smoking weed, staying out until the early hours of the morning.

OP posts:
Noroomontheshelf · 05/01/2024 17:58

I found social services crap too.

There should be a family support service though. Try to locate that. If you do that and don’t get on with the worker, contact the manager and ask for another.
Try contacting charities directly.

Are there any local services around drugs and young people?

There may also be some sort of mentoring service for young people your son’s age in your area, which could really help him. You could try contacting you local youth services at the council.

helloisitmeyourelookingfor · 05/01/2024 17:58

I know lots of people are essentially saying you don't have a choice but to look after him but actually do -you are vulnerable and so are your younger children

Being on the receiving end of child on parent abuse is a horrible place to be

Your local housing department will have a department for 16&17 year olds at risk of homelessness -it would be worth looking them up and contacting them

Sometimes they will work with the family to prevent the young person from becoming homeless, other times they will look at making appropriate housing and benefits

12menandtrue · 05/01/2024 17:59

You have my complete sympathy. The posters who are asking if you have done everything you can to help have obviously never lived this. You need to protect your youngest children and yourself. I doubt Social Services will be much help with a 16 year old. You cannot allow one young adult to ruin the family.

Octavia64 · 05/01/2024 18:01

As you have discovered there are limited levers that parents can use to influence teenagers if they are not doing what parents want them to.

Money won't work if he has a part time job.

He also knows he is stronger than you and can attack you, so realistically you can't force him to do anything, and if he is prepared to be violent I'd suggest you don't try to make him again.

That leaves you with persuasion which can be extremely powerful.

So reduce the demands. It's up to him whether he goes to college. But try saying to him on a regular basis something like - I'd like to help you get to where you want to in life. What do you want to do with your adult life? and try to say that you'd like to support him in that.

HappyHamsters · 05/01/2024 18:03

Can womens aid or the nspcc offer you any help, he is abusing you, this is family dv.

Unescorted · 05/01/2024 18:03

Have you tried charities in your area.

https://www.family-action.org.uk/what-we-do/

Say that they can help with families with complex needs. It might be worth seeing what advice they have.