16 year old can’t continue to live here. How do I go about this?

[WitsEnd10]

DS1 is 16. He has no relationship with his biological father and I have no way of contacting him/don’t know where he lives. (He was violent and abusive)
The relationship between DS1 and us (me and DH) has broken down beyond repair at this point in time. He is uncontrollable, rude, verbally abusive, has physically attacked me on two occasions. He has just returned home after nine days of little to no contact and refuses to tell us where he’s been. We strongly suspect he’s using drugs. He attends college sporadically and has already left one course due to “not liking it” and he’s on the verge of being kicked off this one. We have two younger children aged 8 and 6 and I am disabled with chronic health conditions that are seriously affected by stress. I cannot live with him any longer. What can I do? How do I ensure he has somewhere to go? Do I need to speak to social services? Please help.

yes, I’ve seen the other side though, of what can happen to kids this age who have moved out of home. I used to volunteer at a homeless service and there was a young boy and his sister there. The boy was clearly being sexually exploited/ abused by men who had ‘befriended him’.

This was absolutely my thought COUNTY LINES

I do actually think our society does not suit some young men well. The school system is very academic and just doesn’t suit non-academic kids. If that’s not for him, it’s no wonder he is not engaging with it.
Young men brought up in nuclear families may have only one, or even no, men they look up to to guide them. I worry about this with my own boys.

Given all this, and with nothing to direct his interest or energies, it’s not that surprising he’s drifting to to bad influences. If he is in county lines, he has a community of older males, as well as machismo and sense of danger and excitement which will appeal to his testosterone filled and thrill seeking teenage body and mind.

He’d really benefit from a male or males in his life he respects and will listen to, and help him make better choices. I’d focus on finding that.

Is there anything he can direct his attention to that will appeal to his adrenaline seeking side, like parkour, which can have quite a good community for young men, or near us ex -marines run a men’s group to help men find their way in life.

He moved to a construction course as he didn’t want to continue with a business course as it was “too classroom-y”, which we supported.
He used to have a really good relationship with both DH and my dad, but he now seems to despise both of them for “being pricks” (ie calling out his behaviour to me).
He used to skateboard a lot and had good friends, but this seemed to fall out of favour around the time he started this new friendship and his style has changed a lot too from skatewear to tracksuits, again I suspect influenced by this friend.

It does sound like he’s got involved in drugs/dealing county lines. Or simply sitting round smoking weed all the time. I’d start with Social Care, who may just signpost you to various services.

I’d then have a chat with him and try and be very blunt. Explain that if he doesn’t want to do college and he’s not working much you think he may be taking a darker route. That’s up to him and you can’t stop him etc etc. However, it does then put you and your family at risk (when it was my DB my parents had their windows out through and had to pay off dealers).

If he wants to choose that way of life then he needs to start funding it and looking at his own accommodation and you although you won’t be happy with his decisions you will still love him. Or if he has got into something too deep and he doesn’t want that gangster lifestyle then you will find support to help him make different choices. It’s one thing choosing the gangster lifestyle and being able to go back to your mums, very different funding yourself full time. Very difficult for you ❤️

No advice OP, just a hug and sympathy. I'm sitting with a large bruise on my arm that my 17 year old daughter did the other night because I wouldn't phone in sick for her (again). She also threw gloss paint all over my hall stairs carpet and I can't get it out. Hundreds of pounds worth of damage. She has stopped going to college for her 2nd year A levels and is going to get chucked out her part time job. My ex still gives her cash when she phones him as he lives 300 miles and doesn't have to deal with it. There is no help at all. Police throw it back to us, same with social work. I fear if I chuck her out she will get picked up by groomers. And I bet if we hit them back OP, the police would want to know then!

He seems lost in more than one way.

This might be a long shot, but can you talk to him about his aspirations?
Could you maybe introduce him to your local Army/ Air/ Sea Cadets? Intise him with learning to shoot, fly or drive... (I know what you think, but some things are better done in a controlled environment. ) The guys there are very knowledgeable, supportive and seem to know their teenagers.
My DS (15) joined after I said no for over a year ... honestly he has changed from a sloppy teen to a polite young man. He's made some great friends and enjoys all the rough boy stuff that they do. He's overall more sociable. Best of all, it has given him some focus- I don't think he'll join the military, but he has found a passion for anything mechanical and flying.
He isn't interested in going uni (yet??) but is considering mechanics/ engineering at college.

(This is a child that didn't know what to do with himself or had any intrests from age 11-13 other than playing games online!)

PS, I would not mention his current friendship group or finding new ones if you talk to him. He'll know you disapprove of his current friends and will use it against you.

Would he join the army? One of ours is (through choice, not force).

I'd speak to his college as they will probably know who you should contact. He can move out at that age but would have to present as homeless to the council and would probably end up in some sort of young person's shared accommodation - it might not help him at all, but you do also need to safeguard your younger children.

You could also speak to your younger children's school.

We’ve tried to talk to him so many times about the future, but all he ever says is “dunno”. What does he enjoy, what does he think he might like to study, general areas if not specific subjects/training, what job would he like to do, work indoors out outdoors, it’s always the same. “Dunno”. He’s had two part time jobs in kitchens and seemed interested in joining the army to do catering, until he learned he’d have to do basic training because he “can’t be arsed with being shouted at”.
I was in the ATC and joined the RAF after obtaining lots of qualifications through them, but when I took him for a taster session at 13 he declared it wasn’t for him.

Hugs and sympathy to you too, it’s so hard because sometimes I think “sod him. If he wants to go so desperately let him” and then I sit up all night worrying about him. But equally living with him is seriously affecting my physical health and it can’t carry on. It hospitalised me a few months ago.

Call your local youth offending/youth justice service ask then about the turn around project or early help, they are diversionary interventions to prevent young people ending up in the criminal justice system, he sounds like a prime candidate

It seems that college is the problem - it's when you try to force him to go to college that he lashes out. Probably out of high anxiety.

I do think you need help from social services. College clearly haven't been able to help him, so try your local social services department, and your local education department (might be called something different now such as 'Children's Services').

I also think he might need to see his doctor. There could be some mental health issues going on.

As a 16-year-old at risk of homelessness, he is entitled to support from children's services. The statutory guidance is here. Crisis also has guidance about this.

Has he got really low confidence? If he’s quitting at everything, or finding reasons to not even start, is it because he’s actually scared of failing and not even trying in the first place is a way to avoid that?

What has he succeeded at?

I think some people here are being very well meaning, but actually don't understand what it's like to live with somebody like that.

It's pretty clear that he's involved in something criminal, hopefully at the edges at the moment. It's also pretty clear that that friend is a bad influence.

Speaking as somebody who grew up with a sibling like this, I would urge you to speak to social services and say he can't live with you anymore, not while he's behaving like that. it might be that it's going to take a stint in a young offenders' institute to bring him to his senses. he has to learn consequences and it's not something you can just warn him about. It actually has to happen to him.

I would be MASSIVELY concerned about county lines exploitation.

I'd ring SS saying you're on the verge of kicking him out and tell them you can't safeguard him anymore and you're worried he's involved in County lines.

Do you have family elsewhere in the country that would take him in if necessary to get him away from the local area?

We’ve tried to talk to him so many times about the future, but all he ever says is “dunno”. What does he enjoy, what does he think he might like to study, general areas if not specific subjects/training, what job would he like to do, work indoors out outdoors, it’s always the same. “Dunno

To be fair, he probably genuinely doesn’t know. He’s only 16. But the only way for him to find out is to try lots of stuff.

I spoke to a young woman who had been on an employment programme which allowed her to do lots of short taster courses in different areas. From that she discovered that she like electrician work and went on to be supported and funded to train in that.

Maybe there are similar employment programmes in your area. These tend to have mentors who may help to encourage him if his confidence is low. They are used to dealing with people who need support due to low confidence. They may even run specific boosting courses. I have found the courses run by LAs are the best, and have the best trained/ experienced mentors.

And is it always arguments or will he ever engage nicely with you?

So if you said "I'm worried you're being exploited by County lines gangs and I am here for you if you want help or are into something you want to get out of", how would he respond?

there’s a risk he’d lash out and one of them would get caught in the crossfire because he’s blind to it. The second time he attacked me it was in front of them.

A woman from children’s services at the council came to speak to him on a number of occasions but it was basically a box ticking exercise to make sure he wasn’t at risk of abuse at home.

Report your other DC as at risk of abuse, they'll identify him as the cause and you as trying to protect them by having him live elsewhere. He then becomes the problem they need to fix. At 16 I think he's too young legally to rent so unless he has older friends who he can unofficially house share with, he's going to need help to be rehoused.

Honestly id contact the council and say you are throwing him out and why. Do not be guilted as they will do nothing until you stand firm and actually do it. They will not leave him homeless. Probably a hostel or similar.

Hopefully he will come to his senses quick but if not you need to think of yourself and other kids.

OP, when my brother started taking drugs as a teenager, it was exactly the same. He switched seemingly overnight from easy going to — well, frequently nasty, unreliable, violent behaviour. I don’t know what the answer is (I’m sorry) but just wanted to say I know it happens. What you do about it is another question — but to all the people telling you not to ‘abandon’ him, sometimes there’s no alternative. And asking him nicely about his ambitions, if he’s anything like my brother was, isn’t going to cut it… My brother left home of his own volition in the end, to live in a squat. My mum worried about him desperately but if I’m honest (younger sibling here), life was much easier without him there. He’d steal from us, threaten my mum, get into physical fights with my (and his) older brother, then disappear for days at a time. When he left for good, we didn’t know where he was but he let my mum know he was okay at one point, and we no longer had to tread on eggshells around him at home. Not sure what the point of this is, really, but I suppose I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes it’s no-one’s fault, and all the goodwill and understanding and nice chats in the world don’t help.

Sending hugs to you OP.
Our eldest was very similar. He was drinking and fell in with the wrong crowd. He was abusive, would go missing for days at a time and often got into trouble with the police. He didn't really have a relationship with his father and has since told me that he felt let down by him. He carried so much anger for such a long time that we thought he was beyond help. It all came to a head when he smashed up his GF house when he was drunk. On that occasion, we went in as 'good cop, good cop' and stayed up all night with him just talking until he was sober. A lot of emotions were shared during that night. Staying with him till sober meant that he couldn't wake up with a hangover and no memory of the night before. We made him face his actions.
That was 6 years ago. He hasn't touched alcohol since and is now a father, has a degree and a job.
I think I'm just trying to say that I know how difficult it is for you but try not to give up on him... it will get better, you just need to get over this hump.
Sending you love ❤️

I’m convinced he’s depressed (I’ve suffered from depression and recognise some of the signs) and I know he has resentment issues towards his biological dad, but anytime I’ve tried to approach seeking help from our GP or mental health services it’s caused an argument and he’s said he would refuse to engage with “shrinks or doctors”.

Maybe forget about college and get him to join the navy or something similar? My fil was a school drop out, but gained qualifications with the navy he said it changed his life for the better.

Are you offering to take him in?