16 year old can’t continue to live here. How do I go about this?

[WitsEnd10]

DS1 is 16. He has no relationship with his biological father and I have no way of contacting him/don’t know where he lives. (He was violent and abusive)
The relationship between DS1 and us (me and DH) has broken down beyond repair at this point in time. He is uncontrollable, rude, verbally abusive, has physically attacked me on two occasions. He has just returned home after nine days of little to no contact and refuses to tell us where he’s been. We strongly suspect he’s using drugs. He attends college sporadically and has already left one course due to “not liking it” and he’s on the verge of being kicked off this one. We have two younger children aged 8 and 6 and I am disabled with chronic health conditions that are seriously affected by stress. I cannot live with him any longer. What can I do? How do I ensure he has somewhere to go? Do I need to speak to social services? Please help.

Op why did he have no formal assessments at school?! He screams adhd to me. Hyper focus (teaching himself music etc). Google it.

Why would you ever have wanted him to have a relationship with his biological dad if he was abusive?!

He needs an adult to step up in his life. It’s not his fault you have a physical disability. He’s so so angry. Don’t rise to the anger, try and be constant and strong. Think creatively about how he might reconsider therapy. He’s scared. Tell him stories about when he was a baby and a toddler. Tell him how much you cherished him. Offer to spend the day with him. Your younger children have their biological and ‘present’ dad - what a thing for him to witness daily: his lack of one.

County lines. Talk to the police again

You could consider using a 'non violent resistance' approach.

thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/therapy-information/non-violent-resistance-nvr/

Too long to go into here but part of it involves choosing supporters (friends/family) to be more proactive eg a male friend/relative might say to your son that they heard he pushed his mum over.

Also - groups of supporters gathering for meetings to support the family might make him sense a change in approach.

OP, I would try to engage with Early Help or similar in your area initially.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/early-help-and-early-intervention-services/

We pushed for him to be assessed for dyslexia but we’re told categorically that he didn’t fit school’s assessment criteria. ADHD was never on anybody’s radar, he was a very easy, chilled child until 14 or so. I have wondered in passing if he’s on the spectrum, he’s always had a ‘thing’ with clothes not feeling right unless they’re just so, eating meals in a certain order and fixating on things for relatively short but intense periods, but it’s never seemed enough and school very much dismissed it.
For me, I’d have been perfectly happy for him not to have a relationship with his dad, however he took me to court for access when DS was 4 as I made a claim for maintenance. Due to the previous DV he was awarded supervised access initially, and it built from there. He’s never been violent or abusive to DS (I appreciate from my previous post you could say there was a level or emotional abuse, but it does appear this was an isolated incident, and we (DH and I) always went out of our way to maintain a neutral position to DS regarding his dad). He had a really good relationship with his dad’s ex and her family and still does, she’s been more of a parent to him than his dad has certainly. I suppose in a way I gave him an opportunity to be a better father than he was partner, but he proved he wasn’t able to be and his son realised that for himself.

Schools tend to be crap with this - you are the ‘expert’ on your ds. Seek a private diagnosis, trust your gut. Be his advocate and never give up. fight for him. ADHD and asd is a very big possibility. It’s behind exhausting to’ mask’ Google masking. Then hormones hit and everything from childhood is highlighted and heightened. You have to fight for your son. Your younger kids are not more deserving than him. How utterly rejecting for him to have his bio dad talk to him like that. And now you’re potentially rejecting him too.
upwards on the thread someone suggested a fun trip - that’s what helped them. 16 is so young… where is the joy in his life?

Why is it always "poor son"

What about his mother, her family??

What about his Dads ex? Could she help or support in any way? If he is very fond of her and close to her maybe she can be the neutral person he needs to speak to rather than a shrink or doctor, maybe she can get out of him what is going on in his head. Worth a shot

Ok.
What happened to him when he was 12 is horrible and completely abusive, and I'm guessing his Dad has not reached out and apologized since? Does his Dad try and contact him?

I have a child who is violent due to trauma, but my child was adopted. I know how hard it can be. I have been physically attacked for years.

I think if he won't go to therapy, that shouldn't stop you from going to therapy. Parenting a child who has had trauma is a different experience and requires different approaches. I would hugely recommend you find a trauma informed therapist.

Also try and reframe it as he is responding in a way that can be normal given what he has gone through. His survival instincts are acting in a way that isn't serving him though, so he needs new tools.

Learning those tools yourself is as important. I know how awful and hard this is, but you are fighting for your son's future..

Well done for persevering. You and DH will make the most difference in this situation. It’s sad that your son finds himself in this situation, but now is the time for some tough love.

Couple of tough comments coming up

• report him to SS for inflicting DV on you in front of your young children- they will take this seriously. Your small children are being abused by witnessing their mother being hit, and by being in the maelstrom of his chaos. It’s only a matter if time before your kiddies tell someone who will report what they have told them. By reporting it yourself, you are in a position to ask for more help from SS. I don’t know what area you are in, but search reporting children seeing DV in x area and the process and numbers will come up. If I were you I would do this first thing on Monday, possibly by reporting it to the children’s primary school, who will/should report it immediately

You need to protect your younger kids from witnessing how their
brother behaves, to show that you and DH are a protective factor.This will
be very hard to do and SS will probably require your older son to be out of the house until he has learned to moderate his behaviour. Hopefully, he will get a terrible fright at the involvement of SS, the outside view of his behaviour, and the thought that he is damaging his siblings.

• You've said your boy is clever, which is good, and I assume he has GCSEs? I suspect he hasn’t got ADHD, or you really would have noticed its impact by now, but he may be ND, or he may not.

• He certainly sounds like he is in the grip of cannabis addiction and may be being exploited. Sadly, lots of boys, especially, do get hooked at this age, but fortunately they come back again, and often turn into decent young men. However, you rightly need to act, because it won’t happen without lots of intervention.

• its not the end of the world that he failed English GCSE- he can take an alternative qual called Functional skills and get the qualification he needs to progress in his academic career which is equivalent to L4 English GCSE.

if it was just your older son involved, you might have more options and be able to go softly, softly. Your little kids witnessing it, changed all that.

For many years I have worked with young people like your son, often through their involvement with SS- there are some incredible people who will be able to help him. Most importantly, for you and him, and your family- never give up on him or stop loving him- make sure he knows this and ensure your DH supports you here. But make it very clear you don’t love or accept his behaviour.

Please let us know how you get on.

I see you haven’t addressed my post op.

This speaks volumes.
I think you were simply looking for the green light to force him out. Honestly that is the very worst thing you can do to a young boy whom has already been rejected and abandoned by his father.

Please step in, not step away. Yes your unconditional love as a parent is being sorely tested, but it’s not normal for a young teen to go missing for so long, who is feeding him for 9 days?
Where is he sleeping? Where is all the money coming from?

I would be moving heaven and earth to get some help to move him away from whatever he is involved with op, or your problems may escalate as he reaches adulthood.

Because he is the child, and as parents we are responsible for them.

Behaviour and anger is pain, he is in pain - potentially using drugs as a coping strategy.

Whilst I haven't experienced this directly, an old work colleague of mine (and friend) experienced just this with her daughter. She tried everyone and everything for help and support but when you have a strong willed 16 year old, you can't exactly force them!
This girl would climb out of bedroom windows frequently, physically and verbally abuse her mum constantly. The police were very good and advised to call them every single time.
It turns out that she was taking drugs and involved in county lines. It ended up with her daughter moving miles away in a supported house and they helped her to enrol in college there. The cycle of socialising and being around less than ideal 'friends' was key to breaking the behaviour.
So basically, I feel for you because my friend was absolutely broken.

Behaviour and anger is pain, he is in pain - potentially using drugs as a coping strategy*

I agree that it sounds like he is in huge amounts of pain. He must feel really rejected by his Father. This is surely underpinning his behaviour, at least in part. It’s well known from children who are adopted, that even those who seem to have adapted really well to adoption, often go off the rails in the teenage years, and this is related to all the neural rewiring going on in their brains.
Rejecting him by throwing him out is likely to make his pain and anger and behaviour worse. As well as making him even more vulnerable to those who want to exploit him.

I agree wholeheartedly with PP who advises doubling down on love and connection. I have really found this works with my boys. He may be on edge and resistant and suspicious at first, even lash out ( my eldest does) but it’s the thing that actually works with mine, albeit they younger.

Also yes to apprenticeships. Again, research I’ve read shows this really helps young men with challenging backgrounds. The one to one connection with a supportive, mentoring older male really seems to work for this cohort.

I do really feel for you OP. It’s a nightmarish situation to be in. It’s crap that none of the services you have been in touch with have helped. I’ve heard before that the police are crap with these situations. I hope you find something that does help you all.

To PP who asked about the training course, I don’t know what it’s called, but it was part of an employment support programme which paid for short courses to help unemployed people find something they wanted to pursue as a career/job.
These employment programmes tend to be run as short term projects of a few years and are then replaced by new short term employment projects ( it’s a an enormously inefficient system) . Some of these employment programme are really good. The best not only give you a mentor and pay for training, but will also do things like pay for equipment you need for a job, or pay for things people setting up their own business need.

I did like the one I described above though, as so many people just don’t know what they want to do, and that programme helped with that.

You phone ss and college and tell them about his change of behaviour, change In style, staying out and not knowing where he is.
You tell them you suspect county lines and require immediate support.

I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your posts, I hadn’t taken in that they had all come from the same person to be honest and I did think I’d replied to you, but obviously didn’t. I was very upset and not well last night and very overwhelmed.
I’m not looking for the green light to force him out at all. I’ll admit that I feel very resentful of his dad because he got to just walk away and take no responsibility, emotionally or financially, and there have been times when I’ve thought to myself “I wish I could send him to live with him for a bit” for a break from it all. Like a pp said, when he’s gone I worry of course, but it’s also a relief that for a day or two we won’t be treading on eggshells around him, trying not to set him off, not having to think about whether I’ve left my purse or handbag out or whether we’ve locked our bedroom door as he’s stolen from us in the past (although this does appear to have stopped).
We very strongly suspect(ed? I’m not sure anymore) that he was involved in drug ‘running’, with this mystery second phone and his behaviours, and we have talked to him about it, as have the police and college. He very openly admitted that he smokes weed on a semi regular basis (weekly, which seems to fit patterns of behaviour) but that’s it, nothing more. He’s not a very good liar, he had particular subconscious tells that I’ve picked up on and he does seem to be telling the truth about this. Of course there’s a chance he’s lying, but I’m not convinced that he is.
He has very addictive behaviour. We’ve had problems in the past with addictions to screen time when he was 10 or so, then sweets/sugar when he was maybe 13-14, to a point where he once drank a bottle of calpol over the space of a week and filled it up with water to hide it just so he could get a ‘fix’ of something sweet. This is when he was stealing from us, and he was going to a shop on the way home from school with friends, buying carrier bags full of fizzy drinks and sweets and eating them on the way home. When we started locking money up he got caught shoplifting twice, but the police involvement really shook him up at the time. We had to put an alarm on the kitchen cupboards because I’d come downstairs in the morning and he’d have eaten a full jar of chocolate spread, a full jar of honey and a packet of biscuits in the time it took me to get the younger kids dressed for school.
The last four or so years have just been incredibly draining.

Could it be ADHD?

The aggression in teens/young adulthood is a red flag. The inability to regulate emotions...

Also the creativity in music, and only excelling in things he's interested in.

He sounds massively like my brother. We all had a terrible time and he did leave home young. He has excelled as an adult but only when he found a career to hyperfocus on. And was able to get off the drink and drugs. Girlfriends helped.

If he isn't supported financially drug dealing or crime are likely though. Very difficult.

Ok, I've just seen your most recent post re: screen addiction and sugar addiction. It looks like he's low in dopamine, yet another sign of ADHD. It can seriously come to a head during the teen years. He really needs help. I wish more help was actually available for young people. The transition to adulthood can be horrendous.

Sounds like adhd to me.

My DD has it, she is now at uni and went through a period like this.

It was very difficult.

You need to keep him apart as far as possible from your younger children, which is probably going to involve a lot of split parenting.

Building a connection with him will also help as it is likely he thinks of himself as a failure.

Did he access any support for his exposure to domestic abuse? Even in the womb - children are impacted.

Have you had a convo with him about his dad and why his dad isn't around?

I can see lots of reasons why he would be angry..

He’s staying with various friends. I do try to call him every day, and message him, but he tends to ignore them during the day and reply at night when he knows I’ll be asleep so that it won’t “start and argument” (ie that I’ll tell him he needs to come home). I know he is with these friends as he posts on Instagram stories which I do see. He also has an on off girlfriend who he stays with and her mum is very good about letting me know when he’s there, that she’s making sure he’s eating and going to work.
He earns about £100 a week with his job, which is a lot for a child of 16 when his only outgoings are an Xbox subscription and his phone contract at £19 a month combined. His bank account is linked to mine and that’s his only income, there’s nothing being paid into his account bar his wages and he’s rarely got cash on him. He doesn’t withdraw cash either.

Yes, I'd say ADHD. Possibly also ASD with the sensory issues around clothes etc. He really could do with help from a mental health professional. Medication could make all the difference.

My only two suggestions would be:

State boarding school - the education element is free but they charge an amount for the board and lodging element. If you act soon you might be able to get him in to start a course in September.

You all move house to a distance that removes him from any contact with his friends or negative influences. Then he can re-start college or an apprenticeship.

i would try looking into getting him
an apprenticeship so he's at work every day. he obviously isn't meant for college. secondly i would speak with social services and ask them for support. You cannot throw him out he is a child. He needs your help. Many of us have illnesses but we chose to have kids and they are our kids for life

He can apply for a 'joint housing assessment' with Housing and Social Services, this determines whether he needs to be a looked after child in care or whether he can be deemed as homeless and provided with supported accommodation as an independent young person. My view would be the latter given that he is fairly self sufficient, is working and enjoys this.

Being in care wont solve the problems, there are barely any placements anyway but moreso for violent young people, so he will probably be placed in semi independent placements far away from his friends and girlfriend, who appear to be supporting him now, plus his work, he needs to stay close to his workplace