16 year old can’t continue to live here. How do I go about this?

[WitsEnd10]

DS1 is 16. He has no relationship with his biological father and I have no way of contacting him/don’t know where he lives. (He was violent and abusive)
The relationship between DS1 and us (me and DH) has broken down beyond repair at this point in time. He is uncontrollable, rude, verbally abusive, has physically attacked me on two occasions. He has just returned home after nine days of little to no contact and refuses to tell us where he’s been. We strongly suspect he’s using drugs. He attends college sporadically and has already left one course due to “not liking it” and he’s on the verge of being kicked off this one. We have two younger children aged 8 and 6 and I am disabled with chronic health conditions that are seriously affected by stress. I cannot live with him any longer. What can I do? How do I ensure he has somewhere to go? Do I need to speak to social services? Please help.

So, to summarise:

Re the possibility he is involved in drugs -

The police have picked him up a number of times but he's never had drugs on him

Social services have been out and talked to him and you but not flagged up county lines

He has money but it is from his part time job and you have oversight of his bank account

He has stolen cash and other things from you in the past which would suggest he is not getting money from supplying drugs

He had a second phone which police have checked and it was clean

You have talked to him about it and he says he smokes weed but does not get involved beyond that and you think he is a bad liar and you would be able to tell if he was lying.

He goes missing for days at a time but you think he is at his girlfriend's or with other friends

As police and SS have been involved and he is clean and they are not continuing involvement I'd be inclined to believe he is not involved in county lines.

So, what you have now is a situation where he is smoking weed, not going to college and is regularly verbally abusive, and has been physically abusive when you have tried to make him do things he does not want to do.

He was rejected by his father at age 12 which will have had a massive impact, and he has also not done as well in his GCSEs as he expected and failed English.

You might find looking at resources for parenting adopted children helpful as they often act out in teenage years due to rejection and it sounds like he is the same.

What he needs by the sound of it is low demand parenting. Stop trying to make him go to college etc and that will reduce and it stop most of the problems.

Adhd also sounds like a strong possibility and if you can put it to him as the school letting him down he may be prepared to seek help.

Would he want to go into care? Would girlfriend's mum have him on an informal basis for a while ?

I agree about getting him to do more of what he's good at - working/earning money

The thing about teens like this is the push/pull effect (pushed from home, pulled by peers & risky behaviour) so you do need to do less 'push' and keep channels of communication open so you know where he is and he feels he can talk to you.

im a sw with teenagers, you could ask for an assessment but you'll likely get early help and parenting courses rather than a place in supported accommodation for him unless things escalate.

I feel for you, OP. I went through the same when my DS was 17. Disappearing, taking drugs, dropped out of 6th form, fell in with some local dealers who were the same age as him.

Life was hell.

I dragged him to a drug charity for under 25s, he was brazen about what he was taking. The charity were very forthright with him.

I called the police every single time he went missing. Every time. I got an alert thing (forget what it's called) put on the house so the police always came immediately.

I discovered that drug deals were being done through my letter box during the night so I sealed up the letter box and put up security cameras.

I called social services. They were bloody brilliant and worked with us all as a family. They helped set up a list of expectations on both sides (him, me and his sibling) and we all signed it as we would a contract. He was told, in no uncertain terms, that if he didn't get a full time job, stop the drugs, start being respectful, then he would be leaving the home for good on the morning of his 18th birthday. Social services described in detail exactly which hostel he would be living in and their rules which were far stricter than mine.

With all of us working together, he dropped the dealer 'friends', stopped the drugs, got a fantastic job and literally turned his life around.

I couldn't be more proud of him.

He's 25 now, has his own house with a mortgage, fabulous GF, his current job is brilliant and he's been promoted several times.

It's a horrible, horrible time, OP. Reach out to every agency you can for support and I truly hope your DS's outcome will be as successful as mine.

@Becauseurworthit
Love your post!
It's so hard to do what you did but I do believe it can totally be life changing.
Glad you got through the other side.

Xx

Exactly this, I’m so sorry but I agree he has to go, you and your young children aren’t safe and I wouldn’t want them to see or learn his awful behaviour. It does sound as though drugs are behind it all and unfortunately until he wants to do something about it himself, you won’t be able to make him change.

Some posters have mentioned 'going into care' but this is now a long and complex process, my son's issues were very different from this case (severe and complex disability) but it took nearly 5 years (from age 16) to complete the process and it was an uphill struggle all the way with no clear path to follow so it won't be an immediate answer for this family and he will be an adult long before the process gets going ! I should add I had the full support of many professionals involved and they advocated strongly for us but that does not in itself speed things up unless you are very lucky.

By attempting to put him into care at this age, which will be largely unsuccessful anyway, you will likely sever the relationship altogether.

There will be no going back from a rejection of that magnitude and you will leave him largely defenceless without any parents effectively. It’s possible you may never see him again or have any kind of relationship with him.

A friend of mines dd went into assisted living for young people under 25 - it is monitored by social workers and community workers. She was 17. It may be the answer if you have this in your area?

You have suggested you think he may be a runner for a dealer, that makes sense. It is county lines type of arrangement - and your son is absolutely being exploited if that is the case.

Can you take him away for a few days away from everything - maybe Alton Towers or similar and have a heart to heart, see if you can get him
to open up?

I agree with most of this OP. Don’t dismiss ADHD as he was a calm child mine has just been diagnosed at 16 with the same problems as a teenager , drugs, aggression, out of control, but were very very easy as a child. Puberty can trigger these things so they become more noticeable. Feel for you and the difficulties you are having. I agree that behaviour like this is due to pain but whether parents have the ability to deal with extreme behaviours or not comes down to family circumstances.
Really ignore the fools that are saying you are a poor parent- they have no idea what they are speaking about, plenty of good involved parents have trouble in the teen years it is just not spoken about enough
Good luck

I have returned to your post to see where you are in your thinking. I am stunned that MN seem to be putting their ( understandable) sympathy for you before your responsibility to safeguard your younger children. What may happen to your 16yo if you report it is that they will work with him and you to keep him in you home, providing he gives a commitment not to expose you younger children to DV.

it will be frightening if you report it, but it will be far less frightening than if SS hear of it from a third party- think how many people in real life already know that they saw him hit mum- some of them may feel that they should report. If it gets reported by someone else, you will be asked what you did to protect you younger children, during the unexpected visit by them to your home to make an assessment about whether you can keep them safe and they should remain in your home under your care.

As a family, you will get through this, as many others have, but it’s not just your 16 yo you need to worry about.

Report it tomorrow to your children’s primary school/ nursery.

I know this posy is just over a year old but op did yiu get anywhere with ur ds or the situation. Mine is the exact same as yours except the missing for days... the drugs the total refusal of anything. He is taking something and under the influence in my home and I can't have this round the younger 2 anymore this has been and on going issue for 2 year he refuses mental health help and any form of help. I don't know where to turn or how I can help him more than I've already tried.
Hope to hear back 😥

@Dontknwwheretoturn24 my heart goes out to you. I have no great words of wisdom, except I totally understand the heartbreak and enormous stress you must be under.

What age is your DS? Is there any way you or another trusted adult could entice him away for a few days to do something completely 'other' that he might engage with? If he can just get his head straight for a bit, is there a chance he might re-connect / refocus?

If it is of any help, the most difference came from changing my behaviour. That was the only thing I was in control of, how I reacted and how I behaved. So difficult to focus on self care when you are in this situation and with other children, but so necessary to prioritise your own exercise/yoga whatever it is that allows you to be your best calm self with better sleep - don't waste time getting into arguments with him (easier said than done), just repeatedly make clear that you love him (don't like the behaviour, but love him - little things that show you care even when he is at his most awful - hot water bottles in his bed, his favourite dinner & pud etc) and that he is of an age to make his own decisions, so take care to make them wisely. And that's it. Only he can decide if he wants to rebel or start earning some money towards driving lessons etc. Sometimes, if there is no push back, it ceases to be rebellion and ceases to be so attractive. There's hormones and teenage bravado in the mix, not just drugs. Apologies if you've already tried all this and more besides.

All very best. I hope the Op comes back to you. And more than anything, that your DS does too.