16 year old can’t continue to live here. How do I go about this?

[WitsEnd10]

DS1 is 16. He has no relationship with his biological father and I have no way of contacting him/don’t know where he lives. (He was violent and abusive)
The relationship between DS1 and us (me and DH) has broken down beyond repair at this point in time. He is uncontrollable, rude, verbally abusive, has physically attacked me on two occasions. He has just returned home after nine days of little to no contact and refuses to tell us where he’s been. We strongly suspect he’s using drugs. He attends college sporadically and has already left one course due to “not liking it” and he’s on the verge of being kicked off this one. We have two younger children aged 8 and 6 and I am disabled with chronic health conditions that are seriously affected by stress. I cannot live with him any longer. What can I do? How do I ensure he has somewhere to go? Do I need to speak to social services? Please help.

To be honest I think his GCSE results knocked his confidence a bit. He excelled at maths, music and sciences, but failed English (we were told at the start of year 11 that school strongly suspected he’s dyslexic and he’s always hated English so we anticipated a poor result) and Geography, which he expected to do okay in. But on the flip side, he also admits that he didn’t put the work in so it is what it is.
The thing is, if you asked anybody outside of the family to describe him, they’d say he’s a lovely, polite and helpful young man. It’s just at home that he’s so abusive and awful.
He’s very intelligent, but he’s also lazy (he’s admitted this previously), but when he puts his mind to something he smashes it. He taught himself to play piano and guitar and read music with no formal tuition, and got a 7 at GCSE. We’ve really tried to focus on praising his achievements and not making a fuss of ‘failures’ but he just seems to ignore that.

Did you get to the bottom of why he chose to stop seeing his dad suddenly, because that makes no sense? If he was seeing him regularly and everything was fine, why would he suddenly stop?

Child to parent abuse is NOT OR NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH TALKED ABOUT.
Op you are not the problem and is not your fault.
The posters saying otherwise dont have a clue what its like as they have not lived it.
You can have him removed by police and not have him back it will be down to SS then to sort him out you may have to sign you parent rights way.
He may be placed in ymca or hostel.
You can not live in fear we would not take this crap from our partners so why do we have to take it from our teens.
Not everything is a MH issue.

Put him out but tell him he is welcome back when he learns to be respectful. Change the locks. Make sure he is gone as you don't want any come back on your family or home if he is involved in county lines.
For all those suggesting a nice chat about aspirations, get real, this isn't The Archers, this is a young man (old enough to get married) who doesn't give a shit because he is caught up in something evil.

I don't have first hand experience of your situation op, but I do hope you find some support and the photo is of an organisation I have come to know through my work.

My DD is nearly 16.
If she went missing for even just 24 hours I’d be straight on to the police.

He was gone for 9 days!

You need to get the police and SS involved.
He is obviously in something that is way over his head and needs help now before it gets any worse.

I believe your son has potentially been recruited for county lines op. Everything you have said indicates to me that he is involved in something much bigger.

https://www.gettingiton.org.uk/county-lines

Please start here. He is just a child and whatever is happening to him, it really is imperative you stand by him. As much as you have had enough, you essentially need proper support in place and so does your child. And he is still a child.

https://www.catch-22.org.uk/resources/catch22-to-provide-support-for-victims-of-county-lines-exploitation/

We’ve reported him missing numerous times. The problem is that the police don’t actually have any powers at 16 to force him to return home or to remove him from wherever he is if he doesn’t want to go. So eventually we stopped reporting him as missing as long as we’d spoken to him in person or via text even if he wouldn’t tell us where he is as it’s just a waste of police time and resources.

Contact social services and have a child and family assessment. There are supporting housing projects that care for 16 year olds who cannot live at home. The support in these is great usually and the young people are monitored. You are not giving up on him, you are stopping the abuse from taking place and safeguarding your younger children.

Op you have said he keeps going missing for weeks at a time, seems to have his access to his own funds and doesn’t need your money, may be using drugs, lashing out and can not cope, is not turning up for college.

Your son sounds like he is in major trouble op. I don’t wish to scare you but please call the helpline and see if they can help you. If you kick him out now you may lose him forever to gangs, dealers.

I work in this area, and recognised immediately some of the red flags. A child of sixteen should not be missing for 9 days. You are not wasting police time!

I really wouldn’t be surprised if this was county lines - the disappearance, anger about needing to be at college and the distinct change in the way he is to you.
I don’t understand why this possibility isn’t being explored by the college and police yet.

@Noroomontheshelf
Do you happen to know the name of that course?
Apologies for derail OP
I also have to agree with PP forcing non-academic teens to college is ridiculous. My DD HATES it. The courses are restrictive and very little choice. And now she's chosen A-levels after well meaning careers officer got involved. It won't be long until she's refusing to go and tbh quite a lot of me doesn't blame her
Apprenticeships options locally are
Engineering
Hairdresser
Army
Building trade
That's it

I really hope you find something OP. Definitely get him away from the friend and drugs (no idea how)

The army may be a good option for him, my DH fell into the wrong crowd as a teen, the army was the making of him. He wouldn't have the home life and career he has now if he hadn't joined. He would have to pass a drug test though.

You should involve social services. Tell them everything. Involve the police too if he’s attacking you! I’m sorry this is happening, it sounds stressful for you all. Can you think of anything that happened that could be a catalyst to his behaviour change?

There's a really good FB group for challenging / violent children

New old hope - family support group

I'd advise posting on there for advice from people who've been there.

Been there with my daughter. She also had a very cool "friend" who had just come into a trust fund and essentially wanted some company whilst they went off the rails. No County lines stuff or anything like that, they were just a much more fun option than home & school.

This is half a decade ago, but after Social Services, school, police (welfare checks) and goodness knows what else I told her well in advance of her 16th that she would have a room here but no extras as of her 16th birthday.

I stuck to it and it was painful.

She's now 23 and has recently got her own flat, she's turned down several good uni offers after doing an access course (which upsets me but at least she's tried) and she's even acknowledged that I may have been right about going to school. She could also be hugely violent, it took a toll for sure but we have a relationship now and I'm glad I kept a door open.

It's shit at this age, and I do feel for you.

• can't edit on the app (hate autocorrect!)

Newbold Hope - family support group .......

Yes, it’s nothing sinister, just horribly poor behaviour on his dad’s part. His dad left his fiancé who DS was close to for another woman, but denied it was due to that. DS happened to see him with this other woman and casually mentioned it to his dad’s ex, not realising he had denied it being another woman. His dad got wind of this and went off on an epic rant about DS minding his own business and dropping him in it, and culminated in him calling DS a “fucking liar” and telling DS (then aged 12 or thereabouts) to choose between him and his ex (who had always done 99% of the childcare on their time anyway) and he promptly chose the ex. He hasn’t seen him since.

Your last post really resonates with me. We are now a few years beyond the crisis point (16) and things have really turned around (fingers crossed, for I will never take anything for granted again).

What worked for us... Maybe he just grew up, but what I credit as the turning point...just when you feel most like turning him away, pull him close. Take him away with you somewhere you know he will really enjoy. Our son flatly refused to go anywhere with us. But we persuaded him to join us on a few days away, the main highlight Alton Towers (my personal idea of hell, but I went on every single ride) . We stayed at a B&B with great breakfast and we concentrated on food & fun. It was brilliant, for all of us. The little boy in him made a reappearance. And then we began to plot a week away in the summer, really listening to what he wanted and running our options within our budget by all the kids. Learning to drive was another motivating force to clean up his act, get a part-time job and spend time with either one of us in the car... We spun that one out for ages (to make sure he was responsible). It was a brilliant activity & really empowered him.

I know to some this is rewarding bad behaviour (I also know it costs money), but the more we clashed, the more influence other people had over him and the less influence we had. I was terrified, like you, actually ill with it. Show him know how much he is part of your family, how much you love and value him. Small things, like his favourite food & a hot water bottle in his bed - at every turn, no matter his behaviour, show him that you love him and will stand by him to get the stupid English GCSE (that exam is not fit for purpose) and move onto the things he is going to love and excel at. As others have said, concentrate on the forward looking, engaging things to motivate him.

Wishing you all the very, very best. Take care of yourself. Get time to do things you enjoy too - good for your kids to see self-care in action and means you will be able to stay calm (so, so difficult, I know).

I've taught teenagers in a college for years - many of them like your son. Some come round once they get into second year, lots don't

Has he looked at apprenticeships? They've been the making of some of mine as they feel they're treated more as adults

Has the college got a decent safeguarding team? Get in touch with them about your drug concerns and see if they can set him up with a mentor

Lots of my students live out of home. Some in supported living (most of these sound awful)

Lots live with grandparents, aunt and uncles or other family members- is that an option? Some move out of the area to live with family in unfamiliar towns to break the cycle

Just read my post back and it's quite negative. Lots of arsey 16 year olds really turn their lives around.

One of my colleagues went to court with 1 lad whose Mum couldn't face it - he got done for joy riding... he was on a really slippery slope. However he somehow scraped his GCSE re-sits with us, left to go to a neighbouring college which specialised in the subject he set his sights on... then went to uni and got a fabulous job. He drops us an email now and again and is doing amazingly well

Another joined the RAF and went on to become an officer.

I have loads of success stories now I think of it! Hopefully your lad will find his niche lovely x

Maybe he didn’t want to leave the house for a reason. The breakdown with his bio dad must have hit him hard too.
I sympathise with you I really do.