Teen accused of being a paedophile advice needed!

[Stuckinarut23]

I've been sent messages from his ex gf of screen shots of my son messaging a 14/15 year old girl, apparently they were messaging on snap chat he wrote some sexual stuff and chatting her up
He said he didn't know she was 15 at first
They haven't met or had sex. I am devastated. I dorn think he realises the consequences of hia actions, screen shots have been posted on FB on groups and what do I do?

Exactly. Some posters taking it to new heights of batshit by comparing him to Saville and Brand. Don’t know why anyone posts for advice on matters like these - they should know they’re going to be piled on by people who haven’t read the post properly, or haven’t understood the issue and are just creating drama by making up their own ‘facts’.

I once found out that an older online male friend of my son who was about 17 years old (they had a common hobby interest) was very enamoured with my son's female friend. The female friend lied about how old she was - easy to do online. My son was very worried about what to do and tried to talk her out this. The female friend's mother found the conversations and really kicked off blaming my son who said how was he to know this would happen when he innocently introduced them online. I told my son, after reviewing the whole message thread, to contact the friend explaining that his female friend had some issues and would be offline for the foreseeable future (she was grounded).. I told my son him not to tell the young man about how old his female friend was as he seemed a decent sort and I thought he'd be appalled that he was thinking about a future with a 13 year old. The whole thing was entirely led by the girl pretending to be 17 and there were no overtly sexual messages or photographs at all and they had never ever met - living on different continents. I certainly didn't think the young man involved was a paedophile and I simply felt sorry for the young man who had no idea he had been corresponding with a 13 year old.

Just report the posts and ignore its really not a big deal don't most 15 year olds have older boyfriends. I certainly did. It's not like he's 30

OP if I was you I’d be getting off mumsnet and I would be seeking some real advice - this thread is bonkers.

realistically your son is not a paedophile, he’s a daft teenager who should have stopped talking to her when he found out he was 15 but I think we all know 19 year olds aren’t exactly famed for thinking straight when it comes to girls/boys etc.

shes 15 and he’s 19 it’s hardly unheard of and honestly I can’t see the police wanting to do anything.

the whole thing with the ex is fishy, so try to get him and yourself off social media once you’ve blocked and reported all posts and then get some actual advice from a solicitor or somewhere and try to stay calm.

He could easily have thought he was messaging a 17 year old so nothing is really an issue here. Remember a paedophile is someone attracted to pre-pubescent children. A 19 year old being attracted to someone who he thought was 17 is not that.

As for the sharing on Facebook. Notify the Admin of the group, explain the situation and point out if this is a legitimate group trying to protect children they ought to consider what they allow. Contact Facebook, explain the situation that he is 19 and though he was messaging a 17 year old but was unaware she was 15 so there is not a legitimate public interest. Then explain that as the information being shared is from an ex girlfriend not from the teen it does not appear that the information being shared was obtained legally. If the girlfriend accessed data on his phone with out his permission (even if by knowing his pass word) it may be a violation of the Computer Misuse Act 1990 and Facebook needs to put all images shared in relation to him on a blocked list.

See what Facebook does.

If he did cut contact with the 15 year old once he knew then the Ex is engaging in a “a course of conduct which amount to harassment of another.” Speak to a lawyer, the Ex behaving like this is now in the harassment/stalking zone and there are legal mechanisms to stop this. I assume the issue is that he was messaging the new girl while still with the Ex which is why she is responding this way rather than moving on. Not great on your sons part but equally responding to someone cheating by engaging in behaviour that can land you with a court order is especially dumb.

I’ve seen news stories where an 18yo has been put on the sex offenders list for having sex with a 15yo a week before her 16th birthday, and I’ve also seen stories where a 21yo got off with having sex with a 12yo because the court agreed he reasonably thought she was 18. In other words, what matters is whether he knew she was underage.

If your 15 year old son looked 19 and was being messaged by a 19 year old who thought he was 19. I think most people would consider it unreasonable to harass her. I suspect you would find a court would too. There would be a short window before you would find yourself having issues.

@Stuckinarut23 hi op, I'm really sorry to read this.
I'm going to share a story with you about a relative of mine, not to scare you though!
My relative had a very low IQ and would have likely qualified for intellectual disability and was definitely ND with hindsight.
At 18 he was still playing tick with the local kids, at 19 he'd found a girlfriend, a local 12 year old who had said she was older, but tbh she clearly wasn't, he may or may not have realised. She wasn't any mastermind herself and I believe they had a connection on a level of capacity, so both extremely immature and learning difficulties at best.
Anyway it became sexual and word got out he was a peadophile.
He realised how abnormal it was, him still playing tick or British bulldog etc when other men his age were at the pub or going on lads holidays. Getting girlfriends their own ages. My family by all accounts, (I was very young when this happened) were embarrassed and were genuinely furious with him.
The lass's dad found out and said he was going to kill him and the family couldn't find him for days.
His body was found days later by a poor workman, he'd taken his own life.
We never knew if it was fear of the dad, or the realisation he was a paedophile or the he'd mistaken the family being so angry with him as though they'd no longer loved him.
It was really devastating for everyone involved and the wider community also were affected, he was really liked by everyone.
I'm only telling you this because the way my family behaved with him wasn't the most supportive, they were understandably furious and this was over 30 years ago now so times and understanding have changed.
I'm sure you DS isnt playing tick and this girl isn't 12, but just because you said your DS isn't too bright I just wanted to tell you this, just to keep an eye on him etc, not to put the fear of God into you! I hope you don't think I'm saying your DS is at risk or anything and again not to scare monger, but please give him support and remind him he's loved, even if you are cross at him.
Sending you love 💐

Agree with above.

15 and 19? Omg what a massive over exaggeration. The ex sounds incredibly malicious.

If he didn't know she was 15 he's not done anything wrong but if he continued after finding out then morally he is but I don't see much coming of it. Sounds like the ex set it up. Have you seen the screenshots?

So was she was 14 or 15 as its ambiguous in your OP? Nevertheless, he is 19 - the use of the word teenager is misleading here as he is an adult. And he continued sexting her when he did find out how old he was.
If that was my daughter I'd be furious and going to the police. They are worlds away in age - he can buy a house and go drinking, she is a school child. I'm not quite sure why so many posters are being so lenient.

But that's not what I've said. I've asked the OP what's her sons take on all of this. In the meantime I'm talking about the other end of it, the set up, which sounds like what has happened and that it's the ex gf behind it. Which needs to be dealt with, especially if she's trying to get everyone in town riled up and posting personal details etc.

Here we go again. There is nothing in any of the OP’s posts to confirm that he continued messaging after he found out she was 15. It’s not a question of being ‘lenient’ it’s a question of not making up the facts to compensate for information you don’t have. OP said the girl told him she was 17, so she’s not exactly an innocent party, and if he stopped messaging when he found out her age then he’s done nothing wrong - the issue would be with the girl misrepresenting her age.

No she hasn’t caught him ‘acting suss’, you’re making things up. She told him she was 17. If he carried on with sexual messages when he found out she was 15, that would be the issue, but there’s nothing to say he did. And this is not how ‘paedo catchers’ operate. They tell the man they are under age from the start and when he engages with that he’s caught.

@Rosscameasdoody the use of the phrase 'he didn't know she was 15 AT FIRST' implies that he carried on messaging after he found out, perhaps the OP could clarify this.

It is also not clear from OPs posts whether the girl followed her DS or whether her DS followed the girl. If her son is deliberately requests to follow underage girls then OP may have some problems ahead but it is clear from her post that he believed the girl was 17.
He did not seek out or accept/send a request to a 15 yr old girl ( it doesn’t mean that he hasn’t sought out other underage girls but that is for the OP to find out). In this scenario he is not a paedophile.
What we can all learn from this is that teenagers do stupid things and they lie. Anyone with a teenager will know this, if they don’t they they need to take a good look at their child’s social media. It is your name on their phone contract and you will be held responsible for their actions.

The only way we can guide them through the nightmare of social media is to closely monitor how they interact with others online early on and teach them what is right and wrong.

It does not surprise me that teenagers make such a mess on sm when you see how well adults cope online.

I would love the sm sites to add a tick box saying “are you sure you want to post this message? “ just to allow a few seconds contemplation before you hit “post”. Or even better a check list to go through when accepting a new friend request.

Many teenagers are focused on having as many friends as possible regardless of whether they know them. Perhaps a limit on friends on sm sites would encourage them to be a bit more selective about who they accept.

Well no it doesn’t really. All it means is that when he started messaging he thought she was 17 because that’s what she told him at first, and didn’t admit to being 15 until later.

Implications are not facts and some posters are running with this as a fact despite the OP very clearly stating in an update that she was still trying to establish whether or not it carried on after he knew her real age. Some posters are even suggesting that if it was a setup by his ex, that she must have had an idea he would respond to a 15 year old. Typical of MN posters’ increasingly common inability to read and understand posts and stick to the facts. Some posters on this thread are sailing very close to the wind with regard to laws on defamation and libel - one even compares OP’s son to Jimmy Saville and Russel Brand and references the paedophile ring in Rochdale.

It is also not clear from OPs posts whether the girl followed her DS or whether her DS followed the girl. If her son is deliberately requests to follow underage girls then OP may have some problems ahead but it is clear from her post that he believed the girl was 17.
He did not seek out or accept/send a request to a 15 yr old girl ( it doesn’t mean that he hasn’t sought out other underage girls but that is for the OP to find out). In this scenario he is not a paedophile.

FFS !! There is absolutely nothing in the OP’s posts to suggest that her DS deliberately or routinely requests to follow under age girls !! This is ONE incident in which a girl misled him into thinking she was older than she was, so why would you even introduce this into the discussion ? And you clearly have no idea what a paedophile actually is.

The term refers to people who have an abberant sexual interest in pre-pubescent children, which this girl at 17 or even 15 is not. If there was any impropriety here - and there is no evidence of that so far - it would relate to a minor under the age of consent, which is completely different to the aberrant sexual preferences of a paedophile.

People quibbling about the meaning of paedophile diminishes the severity of abuse of those who are 12-16 or whatever. These are still children. If people are going to dismiss the behaviour of child sex offenders in this way then I suppose we'll have to just call those who offend against children child sex offenders.

Most CSO's probably aren't solely attracted to underage people, anyway, and of course they aren't truly lovers of children.

The police can recover them.

Snapchat doesn't actually delete the screenshots it just labels them to not show up on searches.

The police can access the full history and messages.

It’s not ‘quibbling’ to point out the definition of paedophilia because it differs to what’s being discussed here. Paedophilia is a psychosexual disorder in which the fantasy or actual sexual activity with prepubescent children is the preferred or exclusive means of achieving sexual excitement and gratification. That is clearly not what is happening here, so worth pointing out.

I disagree. The issue is that people use the word paedophile incorrectly all the time and THAT diminishes what it really means.

The word paedophile is used when someone is attracted to someone who is pre-pubescent. If the child is not pre-pubescent but a minor then they are a child sex offender.

banding about the word incorrectly means it gets diluted and the severity of what it means is diluted. A 19 year old who sent sexts to a 15 year old is not a paedophile and calling him one is wrong. I’m not justifying what he did but my god calling him this is ridiculous, he’s not some 50 year old man preying on an 8 year old.

Some perspective is needed here.

The law distinguishes between offences against children aged under 13 and offences involving older children.

It is not clear if an offence has been committed. If OP's son reasonably believed that the girl was aged 16 or over, he has not committed an offence provided he stopped when he became aware of her age. As this communication took place on the internet and it seems the girl misrepresented her age, that is likely to be enough to give him a reasonable belief that she was 16 or over.

We don't know the content of his messages beyond the fact that he was chatting her up and wrote some sexual stuff. It may not have crossed the threshold into criminality even if he was aware of her age.

Given the ages of OP's son and the girl, there is a good chance the authorities would not prosecute.

I agree. When posters start comparing the OP’s son to Jimmy Saville and Russel Brand, and implying that he routinely asks to follow under age girls, it’s time to report the thread and ask to have it taken down. It’s certainly not helping the OP as most posters are too busy piling on to answer the question she actually asked.