I'm at wits end with my teen mum daughter

[Ithinkiminlimbo]

Hi all,

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one so grab a cuppa and strap in. I also have dyslexia and adhd so if my timelines and spellings get muddled, well, thats the reason :')

So, at 14 my daughter started a new high school, and because it was a mid year transfer, had no friends, and when she did get befriended, it was with the wrong crowd. My usually sweet delightful girl soon turned into a horror half the time. Thats normal i know, but when she turned 15 and got her first boyfriend, she got so much worse.

Thing is, my dc is sweet, but very naive, and i feel mean saying this but, not the brightest but makes up for it with her down to earthness and kindness.
This lad she was seeing projected all of his attitude and problems onto her, and she started acting like we were the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me.

It all came to a head when after months of this, she and him ran away from school in the morning and we didnt find them until the evening. We had the police looking and when she got home, she got a telling off from them, and she basically said it was my fault she ran away, im too suffocating and stress too much. they have one chore a day to do and i let them spend their time to do as they please as long as homework is done, so i dont get it.

Me and my partner went on abreak around this time, as my stress levels were so high and i wanted to focus on working on my daughter ( we have since come back together, so yay) .

Anyway, i got called into school, her teacher sits me down with dc and she tells me shes pregnant. Shock, we go to a clinic, shes 25 weeks, so. no termination, this baby is coming. Dcs bf is 17, social and police are ok with that, so we prep for the babies arrival.

Dc has the baby, little boy, hes great and after a while she goes back to school and studies and get enough gcses to go to college. I arrange for care to learn to pay for childcare and arrange her bus timetable, but ask her to take the reigns for all that during the summer, as im starting second year of uni, and also have my other 2 dc to raise.

I bought all the baby gear, and buy the formula, nappies, everything, and yes i get child benefit for her, but i keep reminding her to apply for herself. She'll snap at me and saying shes doing it... but never does, same with healthy start, same with transfering her care to learn details for college and a new childminder. If she doesnt sort that during half term, she cant go back to college as the new sitter, and rightly so, has refused to offer childcare if it isnt in place. She is the only one that can liase with college to sort her application and she keeps mugging me off.

Her and her bf split, she cooled down and seemed great for a month or so, Now theres a new boy in the picture shes acting a bugger again.

Tonight when i popped out to get binbags, she left her son 10m asleep in his cot in the company of my 12yo son. I got home, and got back in my car and found her walking back from the shop with this lad, and another. She flat out refused to get in the car, and this was over an hour ago and shes still not home, her son has woken up and ive put him back to bed but i cant believe she'd leave him like this.

Im a f/t student, i work p/t and pay for all i can for her. i get my friends to donate old baby clothes for her, source all her kit and it goes all unappreciated i feel. Yes i expect her to clean up the house after her baby and to sort her admin out.

I cant believe she'd leave him like this. Maybe i do too much and need to detach more, with organising her life, not in an oppresive way, just to make her life easier as i know having a kid at 15 must be hard, but i also didnt sign up for this.

any advice, hand holding or solidarity would be greatly appreciated

You need to contact social services before your daughter does serious harm to this baby.

My first thought was for the baby rather than her. I agree with PP.

This is so hard op but I feel the pp is correct. Your dd has too much going on and isn’t ready to care for the baby. She’s so young and still and I say this gently, selfish. Every young person wants to go out and live their life the way they want, that’s great she now has friends etc but that isn’t her priority, her baby is but she’s not mature enough to realise that.

I think you need to have a frank and honest discussion with her, say you can’t raise this child and if she’s not ready to then maybe going down the route of foster care might be the best option.
I think your dd needs a fright, she needs to get some responsibility about her and now needs to grow up even though she’s still so young.
My worry is she does something stupid all because she wants to go out. Please put the baby first and consider contacting social services.
Is the dad on the scene? Does he have any input it want to be involved?

The dad isn't on the scene, isn't allowed contact with her due to bail conditions, thats a whole other story.

I encourage her friends to visit and such so she has a rich social life. but the out of hours stuff i know she feels shes missing out, but she made her choices.

Im going to speak to the social, or arrange to, for advice and support. I just wish i could make her see that i am alieviating so much stress for her, and doing all i can and that in comparison to many in her situation, has is very good.

Given that you are neurodivergent it's highly likely she herself could be as it is genetic. I would consider support from that angle as it may be key to unlocking how she can get the help she needs.

I don't as going to say the same as Nn9011

You're ND and it's genetic. There's a very high chance that she is too. You've said yourself that she's immature. She also seems to procrastinate and trust people too easily, like her ex.

Has she ever been assessed?

Unfortunately your daughter is just not emotionally mature enough to prioritise the baby’s needs at this time. If she was living in the community without the safeguard of her sibling or you I’d be seriously worried about the baby being at risk of harm. I think she probably needs therapy, to attend the freedom programme and self esteem work to free her from the pattern of seeking validation from boys. It sounds unlikely she would be motivated to do all that work at the moment though. I’d suggest giving her a clear overview of your intentions and leaving the choice with her. For example, if you don’t behave in a certain way I’ll have no choice but to ask for parental responsibility of the baby and if that happens I’ll have to ask you to leave the home because you’re old enough to protect yourself but your baby is not. Or, if you don’t behave in a certain way I’ll have no choice but to talk to social services and ask them to find someone to care for your baby. If that happens it’s unlikely you’ll be able to have your baby return to your care in the future as they’ll likely be adopted. She then has the choice about what happens next but you’ve been fair to her. I would also tell social services as soon as possible what is happening so they can organise the services she needs.

No advice just handholding sounds such an impossible situation

Can you try to make sure she has effective contraception now?

A 14/15 yo (especially one so immature and with issues) cannot raise a baby.

Of all the girls I know that age that get pregnant, they either abort/give the baby up or their parents raise the child.

They don’t usually raise the baby themselves.

She obviously has a lot of issues and it’s incredibly difficult raising a baby when you are still a child yourself (I was 18 and it was hard enough).
But you have ADHD and so it’s very likely she does too.

You do not want to raise this baby, which I completely understand.
But I don’t know if she’s capable of doing it herself.

I would seriously think about some sort of temporary foster care, which will allow you both to think of what will happen next.

Many foster care placements still allow access to the parent/grandparents too.

Are the other grandparents involved?

You are doing all you can OP so solidarity for sure.

Your daughter is just too young for this. She isn’t going to suddenly change, you need to get on with your life, she needs to mature and build hers, and the baby needs properly looking after.

I would contact social services as PPs say, and say that this isn’t sustainable and you are worried about the baby’s safety. I think that a fostering placement - so your daughter gets space to see how she feels - followed by adoption (if your daughter doesn’t want the baby back) is going to be the best solution.

It’s absolutely no one’s fault, she is a child herself. You might find SS suggest you might consider taking responsibility for the baby, but given your degree and your other kids that clearly isn’t possible, so you just have to be firm.

Does she have a social worker already?

Would you consider taking over care for the baby yourself? Would she let you?

You have done your very best for her and to grandson OP. Well done to you.

But that child needs removing from her care before she causes huge harm. And sadly, given that she lives with you, placing him with you does not sound like a safe option, as hard as you are trying. Poor lad (and gran)

Would you consider going part time on your uni course and minding the baby yourself? Iknow that's very hard on you, but a foster home would be harder on the baby.Your daughter is too young and isn't able.

I agree with most of what you say @Nowherenew . But temp foster care is not in the child’s best interest. If the child’s mother is unable to raise him then he needs to be placed for adoption - he needs permanence and security. All that a temp fostering placement will do is traumatise him . It’s not as if things are going to be different in a years time and the baby will just be more damaged moving him around.

The most likely Outcome here is that the Dd will soon have a new Bf and want to go our more, leaving the OP to care for her child. New Bf is not going to be interested in someone else’s child. Os she will move in with him and leave baby behind. Or even worse, take her son with her and then neglect him.

@Ithinkiminlimbo my heart goes out to you! You sound like a good mother who had done everything you can to support your daughter. my friend was in your situation - she knew she couldn’t bring up her GC herself, she know her Dd couldn’t / wouldn’t . And she wanted him placed for adoption before he was permanently damaged by the care system.

There are lot of people wanting to adopt healthy children under 2 and theres no one wanting to adopt a 5 year our boy with severe emotional and behavioural problems.

Some adoption ageemcued have a system called concurrent planning . They place babies like this on a fostering basis with families who are approved to adopt. That way the child is only moved once.

This

The baby needs love and stability on a permanent basis. Your daughter is not mature or inclined enough to put the baby first.

I really hope she is now using reliable contraception so she does not get pregnant again

to you

Did she want to keep the baby?

You're supporting her too much and ultimately that's not helping anybody. She needs professional support in place from social care.

I would contact social services and ask to become the child’s guardian or if your daughter continues to neglect him, , which is what she’s doing, perhaps look in to a permanent arrangement.

I'm not in the UK so it may be different there but a childhood friend (the boy next door) and his wife fostered a baby over 18 years ago and she's still with them, they couldn't have children of their own, it's extremely difficult to adopt a baby here, the birth mother had contact, frequency was agreed at the beginning and adhered to. The child grew up as part of Foster parents family completely accepted by gp's, aunts, uncles etc. She's in college now and a very settled mature happy person thanks to the stability provided by the Foster parents, I know it's a different circumstance as in the birth mother was never going to be allowed keep the baby but wouldn't allow adoption so this long term fostering was agreed on but something similar may be worth looking in to.

I had a baby at 16, was pregnant at 15 and raised my child myself with very very little help from anyone. I still lived at home, but my parents were in the middle of a divorce and refused to help me as they were too absorbed with fighting with each other. Her bio dad walked away from us both.
I was a mature ( ish) 15/16 year old but it was still a lonely and very isolating time for me. I moved out at 17 with my then b/f ( not my child's dad) to escape the fighting at home but really rushed into that relationship and it was the worst mistake of my life.
Whatever about having my child to care for I was not ready for an adult relationship. I had no decent role models in which to model an adult relationship on and no idea of conflict resolution or how to deal with issues like a mature person. In hindsight while I adored my baby, looking back I was a vulnerable young person making adult choices and I was out of my depth. I wasn't a smoker, drinker, outgoing person, wasn't into night clubs. I loved my music and books and I made a silly choice that mapped out the remainder of my teens, twenties and thirties until my divorce. I felt I was held prisoner by my ex who judged everything I did and was so controlling and nasty to me. I moved out and divorced him, but it took a lot of courage to do so. I wont ever put myself into a relationship scenario again, as I refuse to lose my freedom or voice.

I feel so sorry for your daughter and you. Its a tough time for you all, regardless of her behaviour. I do feel she could use the benefit of a mother and baby placement where they help her bond with her baby and teach her how to do things for her baby. I know you are doing the best you can, but teens dont listen to their Mums usually, so a stranger might be better placed to advice her. Also with her and the baby being at yours she can jump in and out whenever she likes, but if you aren't there to help she may just have to get on with it. And heart breaking as it is, adoption might be best all around too. Much love and kindness to you as you manoeuvre your way thru this minefield. Give her social worker a call, I assume she has one getting pregnant so young and come up with a plan that works for you all xx

Not that it helps now OP but I hope some day your daughter realizes how much of an amazing mom you are. It's one thing what someone does for you but entirely another what someone does for your child and I hope she gets that. It's a debt that can never be paid. Sending ❤️ to you.

I was also going to suggest a mother and baby unit. I'm a bit biased as I had my first DC at your DD's age- at 15/16. Placing a child up for an adoption is not a decision taken likely. I would take to social services and get her placed in the mother and baby unit. Whilst she's there, she'll be offered parenting classes, counselling, they will watch her and the baby and she will be with other similar aged mums who are going through the same thing. If you PM, and depending where you live, I know of a very good organisation that supports young parents and also has placements at mother and baby units.

But don't do it all on your own. There is help out there for teen parents and other parents like yourself going through the same thing. Ask social services for help and take it from there. I would only consider adoption as my very very last option. It's easier for PP's on here to call 'put the child up for adoption' when it's not even their family member of grand child. Explore other avenues first before considering adoption.