I'm at wits end with my teen mum daughter

[Ithinkiminlimbo]

Hi all,

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one so grab a cuppa and strap in. I also have dyslexia and adhd so if my timelines and spellings get muddled, well, thats the reason :')

So, at 14 my daughter started a new high school, and because it was a mid year transfer, had no friends, and when she did get befriended, it was with the wrong crowd. My usually sweet delightful girl soon turned into a horror half the time. Thats normal i know, but when she turned 15 and got her first boyfriend, she got so much worse.

Thing is, my dc is sweet, but very naive, and i feel mean saying this but, not the brightest but makes up for it with her down to earthness and kindness.
This lad she was seeing projected all of his attitude and problems onto her, and she started acting like we were the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me.

It all came to a head when after months of this, she and him ran away from school in the morning and we didnt find them until the evening. We had the police looking and when she got home, she got a telling off from them, and she basically said it was my fault she ran away, im too suffocating and stress too much. they have one chore a day to do and i let them spend their time to do as they please as long as homework is done, so i dont get it.

Me and my partner went on abreak around this time, as my stress levels were so high and i wanted to focus on working on my daughter ( we have since come back together, so yay) .

Anyway, i got called into school, her teacher sits me down with dc and she tells me shes pregnant. Shock, we go to a clinic, shes 25 weeks, so. no termination, this baby is coming. Dcs bf is 17, social and police are ok with that, so we prep for the babies arrival.

Dc has the baby, little boy, hes great and after a while she goes back to school and studies and get enough gcses to go to college. I arrange for care to learn to pay for childcare and arrange her bus timetable, but ask her to take the reigns for all that during the summer, as im starting second year of uni, and also have my other 2 dc to raise.

I bought all the baby gear, and buy the formula, nappies, everything, and yes i get child benefit for her, but i keep reminding her to apply for herself. She'll snap at me and saying shes doing it... but never does, same with healthy start, same with transfering her care to learn details for college and a new childminder. If she doesnt sort that during half term, she cant go back to college as the new sitter, and rightly so, has refused to offer childcare if it isnt in place. She is the only one that can liase with college to sort her application and she keeps mugging me off.

Her and her bf split, she cooled down and seemed great for a month or so, Now theres a new boy in the picture shes acting a bugger again.

Tonight when i popped out to get binbags, she left her son 10m asleep in his cot in the company of my 12yo son. I got home, and got back in my car and found her walking back from the shop with this lad, and another. She flat out refused to get in the car, and this was over an hour ago and shes still not home, her son has woken up and ive put him back to bed but i cant believe she'd leave him like this.

Im a f/t student, i work p/t and pay for all i can for her. i get my friends to donate old baby clothes for her, source all her kit and it goes all unappreciated i feel. Yes i expect her to clean up the house after her baby and to sort her admin out.

I cant believe she'd leave him like this. Maybe i do too much and need to detach more, with organising her life, not in an oppresive way, just to make her life easier as i know having a kid at 15 must be hard, but i also didnt sign up for this.

any advice, hand holding or solidarity would be greatly appreciated

@GGGB I hope you feel much better now you've got it off your chest you're a high earner. Well done on your career.

OP, this sounds really tough for you. What does she say when you talk? Does she acknowledge that she can't be popping out and leaving the baby etc? Does she appreciate the risks of leaving her DC with her younger siblings?
Id definitely be looking at courses on child safety, how they sleep, choking hazards etc? Maybe get her to see how unbelievably delicate baby is.
I can't imagine how hard this is with you being a student etc yourself. Definitely though look into every possible entitlement towards childcare etc.

You are doing so much for your DD, one day she'll realise it 💐

I only told work about my second pregnancy at 24 weeks, I really didn't have much of a bump, my DM was similar with her third she told them in the September, my brother was born in November, she didn't look especially pregnant before the Summer holidays. Most people would suggest not pointing out changes in weight to teenage girls, at 15 your body is still changing a huge amount.

Agree @GGGB your delivery is somewhat harsh but you're not wrong.

In addition, OP, you know your dd, what did you expect? She was immature and having behavioural issues before she got pregnant, she was never going to transform into a devoted, settled mother who prioritised her baby. The bit that worries me is where you ask should you "detach"? Highly likely something really dreadful could happen to that baby in the form of serious neglect if you do, why would you ask that? That can't be an option.

Myself, I would take a break from uni and my relationship (yay! ) and devote my time to sorting out this extremely challenging situation for my CHILD - because she's still a child herself - and grandchild.

I’m afraid that your expectations of empathy and understanding from your daughter are unrealistic. I think you need to sit her down and ask her if she genuinely wants to be a mum and let her know that if this is the case then she is going to have to move out with her baby and take over full-time care and finances 24/7. Everyone else is missing out because of her choices and you can no longer facilitate this. If she isn’t prepared to step up, then she is going to have to accept that maybe this child would be happier if adopted instead of being raised in poverty by a resentful teen mum. I suspect that if this happens it would be hardest on you @Ithinkiminlimbo

It was not your dds choice op.

She had NO choice at 25 weeks.

You need to stop blaming her for this, she is just a child and too young to deal with this. Or expecting appreciation. What 15 year old do you know shows regular appreciation?

You have a decision to make with your dd , do you raise him and let her be a child, finish college and mature or you consider adoption. Foster care is unsafe. With lots of childcare and support I think you could make it work

Does she have bullet proof contraception now?

Is she in counselling?
She needs a lot of work op to prevent a rerun. Her relationships around males is worrying. She is seeking validation and attention, I wonder why?
Can her own father (not the boy) offer support? Childcare? Financial assistance to help?

Right! Somehow I don't think moving schools is the cause of teen pregnancy. I think OP is doing a hell of a good job under a horrible amount of stress

@Ithinkiminlimbo Having been in similar circumstances I'm happy for you to privately message me. I'm not discussing my circumstances for some folk on here to pull apart and judge. 🌺

I had a baby at 16 (30yrs ago) and it’s not easy, but I had to grow up overnight. My parents did babysit twice a week until I moved with my son 250 miles away for a job. I always prioritised my son, but needed a life too as I was so young. I think my parents got the balance right with help but ultimately he was my responsibility

A baby is a humungous change, I even felt that at 30 let alone 16. However OP, as others have said she made her choice and now the focus must be on the baby and his well-being. I don’t think it is unreasonable to say you will babysit X number of times a week but that is absolutely it. And I’d give a really stern warning that if she ever does anything like leaving her baby with your young DC again you will be forced to call social services.

This

She simply isn't old enough to be a mother to this child without a lot of support.. I think you need to accept that. So it will be a case of being the mother yourself or put the baby up for adoption. Or if none of these are acceptable a mother and baby unit as somebody else has suggested.

I can't beleive the amount of people suggesting adoption here. The baby is OPs family and you can't just give up on them and take them away from everything they know. It isn't that simple to just have a baby 'adopted' and can leave huge emotional pain for both the birth mother and child, even if the adoptive parents are brilliant.

It's a difficult situation for the OP but it is what it is and she needs to pick up the pieces as that is what we do for our children. DD is still a child and trying to be a normal teenager and unfortunately OP needs to pick up the slack for a bit. I agree with other posters about mother and baby units who can support and educate.

I have a family member who had a baby at 14 and her parents were incredibly supportive. The child is now at uni and doing well and the mum went on to train to be a teacher later in life. I'm bet she is glad she never had the baby adopted.

It always breaks my heart reading about neglected babies.

Yes, contacting social services is the right thing to do. Poor thing. What a terrible start to life!

The best thing you could do for your daughter is ensuring that she takes proper and regular contraception.

Sounds like she doesn't want to be a mother. She's emotionally immature. I'd sit down and ask her if she wantsbto give him away. There are lots of couples desperate for a baby, eho can't make any. My cousin has just adopted one recently to add to their family, and they're lovely people. Honestly I think its time for a chat and involve social services. Otherwise this child is going to feel unloved, and neglected. Because your daughter is a terrible mother. It's not your job to take over or enforce, she doesn't want to.

Agree with others regarding, getting her onto contraception. Book her into see someone, an implant or depo injection would last longer. Because the last thing you need is another baby in the house.

The most likely Outcome here is that the Dd will soon have a new Bf and want to go our more, leaving the OP to care for her child. New Bf is not going to be interested in someone else’s child. Os she will move in with him and leave baby behind. Or even worse, take her son with her and then neglect him.
It pains me to say it but that's also my concern and neither the current baby, nor the OP, need that right now.

OP is doing her best in difficult circumstances. Getting social services involved for some support at this stage is probably a good idea so that the baby's welfare can be prioritised.

Her choices seem to be Mother and Baby unit if she wants to keep the baby or adoption, unless you want to formally take on care of your grandchild.

You absolutely don't have to and as the baby is young a loving family will be found for him.

OP says in the OP she arranges care to learn.

But good to have the link, thanks

If she was 15 when she had a baby then she’s been the victim ( in most people’s eyes!) or sexual persuasion/ assault and she was a child carrying and birthing.
that is HUGE. Think of how many fully grown adults on here find it hard to amante themselves after having a baby? Admin stuff or cleaning their house.

I know you help her but maybe she’s exhausted and sleep deprived or simply not mature enough to deal with strong emotions after giving birth as a child.

Please try and find charities and counselling for her. Are you able to get benefits so you can care for the child? Without being harsh, but being straight, despite it NOT being your fault, she did get pregnant as a child under your watch. ( if that comes across accusingly it’s not meant to - hard to convey time on here) I am afraid because baby is here you are going to have to step up and help cover the shortcomings your daughter has until she can get proper counselling and support to overcome them and improve her skills as a mum. Is your daughters dad around, can he step into a active grandad role too?

she needs so much sympathy and help and love. I know you do too, but your daughter and grandchild are more needy than you know. Dig deep ❤️

I am neurodiverse and both my children have the same neurodiversity - if you are neurodiverse and have adhd is there a chance she needs more support with her exec function tasks?

You are getting some great advice.

What a difficult situation.

You have tried your best.

So many different needs to be met.

In this situation the most vulnerable and innocent is the baby.

Start from there.

What is in the best interests of this baby and its future?

The decisions made today will impact his entire life.

Your daughter is immature and unable to prioritise a baby.

IMO this is not surprising, she is so very young.

You have other children and your education to focus on, and I don't believe you should compromise on these.

Your daughter is immature in an adult world.
Sometimes we need to be pushed to realise our decisions have consequences.

SS absolutely need to be called.

Leaving the baby with a 12 year old was a watershed moment that MUST have consequences.

Your sole obligation at the moment is that babys welfare.

Involve SS and request fostering services to take over.

Your daughter is going to continue on the path she is on, but the babys safety and wellbeing cannot be collateral damage to the poor choices of a child who had a child.

Despite your well meaning efforts your daughter has not matured and is still making the immature choices of a child.

The very best modelling you can do for her is of a mother who is prepared to make the hard choices, make the tough call to SS, and follow through.

She may not like it and may rant and push back, but you will absolutely have done the right thing.

If she is determined to drift from one loser to the next over the next few years, your grandson would be far better placed in a loving adopted home.

I have several adopted friends, and met many others, who grew up in the most loving of adopted homes.

Yes, there are complicated emotional issues around adoption, but those that have grown up loved and cherished have had compassion for the decisions that were made by young women years ago.

Wishing you strength.

OP has other DCs and reading between the lines, is trying to build a better financial future for them. Is it the right thing for her to struggle to keep a baby that it seems neither her nor her DD really want ?

Adoption is huge step which would have to be the decision of the mum, and is normally a last resort once social services have tried everything else ie mother and baby units etc.

Your dd made a mistake (granted a big one). But she young and a new mum, she's learning. She also probably relied on you coming back.

Perhaps now Isn't the right time for her to go to college. Or perhaps there is a more suitable course she can do that has childcare attached (some tech colleges do), or a part time / evening course or a course related to childcare?

Does she attended any support groups for young mums? She needs to build up a support network, and this is unlikely to be from people she was at school with who basically have no responsibility. Is her health visitor supportive?

This. She is a nightmare waiting to happen. Call social services