I'm at wits end with my teen mum daughter

[Ithinkiminlimbo]

Hi all,

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one so grab a cuppa and strap in. I also have dyslexia and adhd so if my timelines and spellings get muddled, well, thats the reason :')

So, at 14 my daughter started a new high school, and because it was a mid year transfer, had no friends, and when she did get befriended, it was with the wrong crowd. My usually sweet delightful girl soon turned into a horror half the time. Thats normal i know, but when she turned 15 and got her first boyfriend, she got so much worse.

Thing is, my dc is sweet, but very naive, and i feel mean saying this but, not the brightest but makes up for it with her down to earthness and kindness.
This lad she was seeing projected all of his attitude and problems onto her, and she started acting like we were the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me.

It all came to a head when after months of this, she and him ran away from school in the morning and we didnt find them until the evening. We had the police looking and when she got home, she got a telling off from them, and she basically said it was my fault she ran away, im too suffocating and stress too much. they have one chore a day to do and i let them spend their time to do as they please as long as homework is done, so i dont get it.

Me and my partner went on abreak around this time, as my stress levels were so high and i wanted to focus on working on my daughter ( we have since come back together, so yay) .

Anyway, i got called into school, her teacher sits me down with dc and she tells me shes pregnant. Shock, we go to a clinic, shes 25 weeks, so. no termination, this baby is coming. Dcs bf is 17, social and police are ok with that, so we prep for the babies arrival.

Dc has the baby, little boy, hes great and after a while she goes back to school and studies and get enough gcses to go to college. I arrange for care to learn to pay for childcare and arrange her bus timetable, but ask her to take the reigns for all that during the summer, as im starting second year of uni, and also have my other 2 dc to raise.

I bought all the baby gear, and buy the formula, nappies, everything, and yes i get child benefit for her, but i keep reminding her to apply for herself. She'll snap at me and saying shes doing it... but never does, same with healthy start, same with transfering her care to learn details for college and a new childminder. If she doesnt sort that during half term, she cant go back to college as the new sitter, and rightly so, has refused to offer childcare if it isnt in place. She is the only one that can liase with college to sort her application and she keeps mugging me off.

Her and her bf split, she cooled down and seemed great for a month or so, Now theres a new boy in the picture shes acting a bugger again.

Tonight when i popped out to get binbags, she left her son 10m asleep in his cot in the company of my 12yo son. I got home, and got back in my car and found her walking back from the shop with this lad, and another. She flat out refused to get in the car, and this was over an hour ago and shes still not home, her son has woken up and ive put him back to bed but i cant believe she'd leave him like this.

Im a f/t student, i work p/t and pay for all i can for her. i get my friends to donate old baby clothes for her, source all her kit and it goes all unappreciated i feel. Yes i expect her to clean up the house after her baby and to sort her admin out.

I cant believe she'd leave him like this. Maybe i do too much and need to detach more, with organising her life, not in an oppresive way, just to make her life easier as i know having a kid at 15 must be hard, but i also didnt sign up for this.

any advice, hand holding or solidarity would be greatly appreciated

I had my daughter at 16 and I was an absolute shit to my mum from about 13 when I, similarly, got in with a bad crowd in school. I was the kind of nightmare teen everyone dreads. Sex drugs and rock and roll, thought I was Courtney Love.

I realise how incredible my mum was now, with hindsight and a teenage daughter of my own. I couldn't have done it without my dear mum , aunts and grandparents. Hopefully one day your daughter will also realise what a tremendous support and wonderful mum you've been. My mum and I are so, so close now.

However, having my child was the making of me, whereas it sounds like it's becoming the undoing of both you and her. I definitely think professional involvement needs to happen here, for the good of the little one (and you, and your daughter).

Everything you wrote about is happening because she’s a child.
The mere fact that she’s had an unfortunate teenage pregnancy doesn’t magic her into the responsible mother she needs to be.
None of this helps you in this horrific situation and the poor baby.
I think as hard as it is, try to do as much as you can, with or without her. If this fails, seek help.
She needs counselling it seems, support and some help growing up .
in the meantime, financially, I would just fill in the paperwork for her for the child support. Stuff it, needs must, get it done!
This sounds so stressful, get all help you can get and good luck !!

She’s a baby herself, OP.

if you can’t care for the baby, have you considered adoption?

OP you don't need to pay for her. She can get universal credit she can get benefits in her name. Because she's a teen mum and in education. She will be entitled to nursery pay fees: www.gov.uk/care-to-learn.

There is help out there. Do not do it in your own. In some places in the UK, because if here situation, she will have a support worker, who will visit her, talk to her and go to places with her and the baby.

This is really difficult. She’s really young and clearly not mature enough to be a parent, so it depends how much you are willing and able to pick up the slack.

With the paperwork, I would force the issue now, including making an appointment to go into college with her to sort it out if necessary.

I’m sorry to say this but your daughter isn’t ready to raise this baby properly, she’s not mature enough and she’s just a child really.
You either step up in her shoes and put the claims in for this additional baby or unfortunately it would be better if you called social services and asked for the baby to go into foster care and then on to be adopted.
This little one could be seriously hurt if you left her to her own devices and stepped back and detached. This is a little baby here that can’t just be left, her decision impacted you all really, and I’m surprised no steps have been put into place and options given or discussed with her when she was pregnant, for adoption.
Has she said she even wanted this baby? Or has she asked you to help raise the baby?

Foster care/ adoption is highly damaging. Do you want that for your grandson or does your daughter really want that for her son?

Sucks but yeah, you need to get SS involved I think. Leaving him with a 10yo is essentially- at least in the eyes of the law- leaving him alone really, isn't it. So you have a duty to report that, for the baby.

She's a child herself and doesn't seem ready to be a mum. I guess you can either raise the baby as your own if she's not interested, or you can report her to social services as neglectful (because she is). Either she responds to their kick up the bum or perhaps baby gets adopted.

Did she want the baby or did she want a termination? I know she couldn't have one. She could put him up for adoption though, was that ever considered when she discovered she was pregnant? She sounds like she's in denial about the whole thing.

If you want her applying for benefits and grants money, you're going to have to stop paying for things yourself so she's got no choice but to apply. I'm assuming she doesn't have a job at all.

Foster care cannot be the answer. Can you convince her it would be in her best interest to put the baby up for adoption?

I'm so sorry, this is really tough.

Seriously?

The problem is that temporary foster care, M&B units etc would all be great in theory, if they were available, but they're not. Kids who are suffering serious long term abuse can't be placed as there are not enough carers, much less little ones who are safe and cared for well.

It will come down to the OP being given a choice between taking full guardianship of her grandson or him being given up for adoption. The OP has love for this child, and I am sure doesnt want to lose him, whilst at the same time not wanting to take him on full time and have her every decision questioned and the daughter saying "He is my kid not yours!!" even though she can swan off and act like a childless women when it suits her. I have friends who ended up in this situation with their step grandchild.......my friend describes it as the worst of all worlds despite adoring her "grandson". They were told by the boys mum that they had no right to choose his school without discussing it with her first, this was when the mum had not turned up to contact with him as she went to a festival and he was due to start said school the following week. They had tried to engage with her about schools when the applications went in the previous year and a bit, we all know the fun of school applications, and she said that she didnt care, that was their job she was his mum and didnt need to worry about that stuff. Seriously, I saw the texts and that was what she thought, like she could outsource the actual parenting and still be considered "mum".

@Ithinkiminlimbo Time for some tough talk. This baby isnt a toy she can just put away when she doesnt fancy playing anymore. Either she mothers or she agrees to adoption and you get yourself some serious counselling to get through the loss, and the same for your younger kids who will need it too.

I say all of this as a woman who had her first at 17 and didnt find it easy.

Yes absolutely seriously.

This woman was responsible for her teenage daughter moving schools, somehow managed to miss the fact that her daughter was 25 weeks pregnant, AS A CHILD HERSELF.

And is now whining she has to clean up the consequences of her own parenting.

a) You moved your daughter from school a to school to b at aged 14 - why?
Because thousands of children move schools every year. Its called life. Work, finances, family issues, divorce......it happens.
b) You say she's not the brightest - why?
Probably because she isnt. If everyone who was convinced that their kid was the cleverest was right, they would all be bang on average as no one would be cleverest. If you were the brightest you would know that.
c) If you're so bright - why did you not consider the risks and or/notice the pregnancy given at 25 weeks she will have likely missed several periods and/or put on noticeable weight?
I was gone 6 months pg when I was 16 with my eldest before I realised that something was amiss as I didnt miss a period and although I had put on weight I went from an 8 to a 10, and had no noticeable bump. I was on the pill when I conceived.
d) You seem pleased you're back with your partner (so, yay!) rather than your daughter and grandson
What?! She shouldnt be happy that her personal life is doing ok if her dd is going further off the rails? Should she say "Sorry love, I know we have sorted ourselves out but I cant get back with you until my dd has grown up and got her life back on track"?
e) She is still legally a child and your responsibility, no wonder she has such bad ideas of parenting
Why is the OP refusing to parent a grandchild she had no choice over, her being a bad parent? Explain your thinking further on this please.

f) I didn't sign up for supporting people like you and your daughter financially through high tax rates whilst you decide to be a student/absent mother/absent grandmother and let children have children but the state requires me to do so

Lots of lovely assumptions there. On what basis have you decided that the OP is an absent mother/grandmother? Nothing in her posts suggests that that is the case. Her being a student will cost her more per year than it does you during her studies and will give her the means to earn more and therefore pay more in tax in the future. Or perhaps you would rather she stays in the place you have decided she should be in, working a minimum wage job and bringing up her daughters baby, whilst claiming income top up through universal credit and actually costing more of your tax pounds, just so you can look down on her from your ivory tower.
Oh and as for "let children have children"....if you know a solution to that one do please share! Young women getting pregnant and their mothers having to carry the burden is a tale as old as time, so please do give us the benefit of your wisdom!

@GGGB You sound nice. OP came here for support, not your judgement. Off you pop.

I don't think there is any "she's made her choices" in this! She was too young to make any informed choices.

You have to accept she is too young for this and make your decisions from there. Do you want to keep the child or give him up for adoption? Do you want to do less and leave her to struggle with it? (She would either step up and be better for it or fail and both she and her child would suffer). Do you want to take over parenting your DGC?

Decide which one and go from there.

Gosh😭. I wish I knew what to say that would help.

she cant go back to college as the new sitter, and rightly so, has refused to offer childcare if it isnt in place. She is the only one that can liase with college to sort her application and she keeps mugging me off.

My DD went to college at 15 and when she turned 16 the college wouldn't liase with me with things like finances. The college had her sign a form saying that I could contact them on her behalf and they would talk to me. I don't know if your DD would sign a similar form or write a letter allowing you to act on her behalf.

I know that ideally 16 year olds should be doing their own life admin but since she is so immature it looks like the only way things are going to get done is if you do it on her behalf.

a) Oh my goodness, I had no idea, I appreciate you explaining general circumstances which could happen - I asked specifically why her case?

b) I've never claimed to be the brightest, although I just questioned why a parent would put her child down in such terms

c) I said "likely" of course there are always exceptions, but it is very unusual for some people to have no periods over a course of months and no visible bump by around 24 weeks - again not impossible, just unlikely

d) I am suggesting that if her daughter's circumstances put a strain her relationship, perhaps she should consider a better balance which might include her daughter and her needs too

e) Her daughter was when she was pregnant at 15 and still is now at 17 - the age of adulthood is 18 in the UK - apologises if I've misunderstood but that appears to the be timeline presented, I'm discussing her daughter not her grandson

f) Lol what ivory tower? You literally know nothing about me, I haven't decided anything for anyone.

g) In terms of children having children, I'd be focused on more support for young parents, increased sex education in schools, encouragement not to have children before you're financially or emotionally ready - "a tale as old as time" is hardly a good argument, so is racism - do you defend that? Nope, didn't think so.

I'm really sorry saying something you don't want to hear is considered "judgement" - of course, we should always give people support whatever their choices and however negative the impact on others.

Can't you go and find a murderer to defend or something? Off you pop :)

Wow....karma may get you one day!.

Don't you worry karma already got me - why do you think I care so deeply about people who were not ready/able to be parents, becoming parents, at a young age without support from their parents, unless...

Post twist: Those were my parents

Wow... may empathy get you one day!

@GGGB judgemental much?! Jeez, OP came here for support for an incredibly difficult situation, not to be slated!

OP, as tough as it is, it may be worth getting social services involved. You have been trying so hard and need help now. You shouldn't be doing it alone for her and she needs to grow up and realise the seriousness of the situation and outside help may do just that x