I'm at wits end with my teen mum daughter

[Ithinkiminlimbo]

Hi all,

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one so grab a cuppa and strap in. I also have dyslexia and adhd so if my timelines and spellings get muddled, well, thats the reason :')

So, at 14 my daughter started a new high school, and because it was a mid year transfer, had no friends, and when she did get befriended, it was with the wrong crowd. My usually sweet delightful girl soon turned into a horror half the time. Thats normal i know, but when she turned 15 and got her first boyfriend, she got so much worse.

Thing is, my dc is sweet, but very naive, and i feel mean saying this but, not the brightest but makes up for it with her down to earthness and kindness.
This lad she was seeing projected all of his attitude and problems onto her, and she started acting like we were the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me.

It all came to a head when after months of this, she and him ran away from school in the morning and we didnt find them until the evening. We had the police looking and when she got home, she got a telling off from them, and she basically said it was my fault she ran away, im too suffocating and stress too much. they have one chore a day to do and i let them spend their time to do as they please as long as homework is done, so i dont get it.

Me and my partner went on abreak around this time, as my stress levels were so high and i wanted to focus on working on my daughter ( we have since come back together, so yay) .

Anyway, i got called into school, her teacher sits me down with dc and she tells me shes pregnant. Shock, we go to a clinic, shes 25 weeks, so. no termination, this baby is coming. Dcs bf is 17, social and police are ok with that, so we prep for the babies arrival.

Dc has the baby, little boy, hes great and after a while she goes back to school and studies and get enough gcses to go to college. I arrange for care to learn to pay for childcare and arrange her bus timetable, but ask her to take the reigns for all that during the summer, as im starting second year of uni, and also have my other 2 dc to raise.

I bought all the baby gear, and buy the formula, nappies, everything, and yes i get child benefit for her, but i keep reminding her to apply for herself. She'll snap at me and saying shes doing it... but never does, same with healthy start, same with transfering her care to learn details for college and a new childminder. If she doesnt sort that during half term, she cant go back to college as the new sitter, and rightly so, has refused to offer childcare if it isnt in place. She is the only one that can liase with college to sort her application and she keeps mugging me off.

Her and her bf split, she cooled down and seemed great for a month or so, Now theres a new boy in the picture shes acting a bugger again.

Tonight when i popped out to get binbags, she left her son 10m asleep in his cot in the company of my 12yo son. I got home, and got back in my car and found her walking back from the shop with this lad, and another. She flat out refused to get in the car, and this was over an hour ago and shes still not home, her son has woken up and ive put him back to bed but i cant believe she'd leave him like this.

Im a f/t student, i work p/t and pay for all i can for her. i get my friends to donate old baby clothes for her, source all her kit and it goes all unappreciated i feel. Yes i expect her to clean up the house after her baby and to sort her admin out.

I cant believe she'd leave him like this. Maybe i do too much and need to detach more, with organising her life, not in an oppresive way, just to make her life easier as i know having a kid at 15 must be hard, but i also didnt sign up for this.

any advice, hand holding or solidarity would be greatly appreciated

I agree that you should tell her she needs to move out with her child.
Or she toes the line and abides by the rules of your house.

Save for this occasion of leaving with your son, are there wider issues about her basic care, or is it the life admin side that she is struggling with? Life admin - particularly this sort of life admin - can be overwhelming even for intelligent "certified adults". Many of them will also procrastinate and would happily delegate this to anyone to will take it on (secretaries, PAs, accountants.... cough wives cough) or put it off until the last possible moment (look at the data on the number of people who fill in self-assessment tax returns between the last available weekend and the due date) because it's both overwhelming and boring. However, learning how to do this stuff (and preferably not procrastinate over it) is part of growing up.

She neither needs someone to do it for her, nor to tell her to do it, she likely needs someone to show her how to do it. If you can't get through to her, make an appointment for both of you with CAB, or possibly there may be someone who assists with this sort of student support at her college - for help with the form-filling - it may be less tense for someone independent to provide that help. Also, just because you/someone has shown her once, it doesn't mean that will be enough - she may need one time being shown, one time doing it under supervision, one time doing it herself and someone checking her work before it is sent, etc etc. It can help to print the form and have a draft go before filling it in online for real. Once it is filled in, try and print it so there is something to refer back to when it needs to be completed again in the future.

Bear in mind that there are some admin things that she actually may not be able to do herself until she is 16.

As far as leaving baby with your son is concerned, does she understand that she cannot do this. With them being so close in age, she may see him as suitably "grown up" even if he isn't. There need to be clear unblurred rules about him not being able to babysit that all three of you understand (it's quite possible that he agreed, not understanding that he couldn't take on that responsibility).

Neither of you entirely chose this situation. However, if you supported her keeping the baby at birth and reassured her, social services etc that you were up for this plan, you have helped to create the situation that you are now in. I am not clear this was really the moment in your life to embark on your degree. I'm also not clear if you have already had a year out of it, or whether you started this degree when your daughter had just given birth. Regardless of decisions that are made about your grandson, your daughter is going to need a lot parenting, and emotional and practical support herself over the next two years - she clearly needs to learn how to "adult", emotionally she is going to need support whether she keeps care of baby or not, and it sounds as if she is quite vulnerable and is not making good social choices, and therefore you, as HER parent, need to be vigilant and present for her. If baby is removed from her care - voluntarily or otherwise - she will still need that emotional and practical support, perhaps even more so. Spreading yourself so thinly is probably not the best option for any of you at the moment. This may not be want you want to hear, but grandparenting aside, you do need to consider if you are leaving yourself enough capacity to fulfill your duties as a parent right now as you sound frazzled. Can you - and would you be prepared to - take a year (or longer) out of your studies to get things on a more even keel?

If you are determined to keep doing all the things, you need to sit down and clearly define what she is responsible for and what you are, in a calm way that gives the opportunity to say "but I don't know how to do this", or "I don't think this is fair because xyz" so that there can be discussion and resolution.

Do not underestimate how hard going back to study may have been for her as well - she will likely be facing a lot of judgment from her peers and may well be struggling how to navigate being a parent and making social connections in a new college. That does not excuse this incident, but what is needed is communication and emotional support here. I can see how she's fallen straight into a new relationship - she's probably flattered that boys are still interested in her but doesn't necessarily have the skills to discern if it's the sort of interest one would ideally want to attract. Something like the freedom programme may well be a good idea.

Distinguish your parental and grandparental duties. With things like sourcing free/bargain baby clothes, would you still want to do this for your grandchild if your daughter was 35 rather than 15? That's your answer to that part. But you are your daughter's parent and the parts of this that are about supervising her as a teenager, setting boundaries and learning how to adult are still your responsibility.

You need to safeguard the baby by sharing your concerns.

Your daughter needs an assessment for ADHD and Autism. Depending on the outcome of these she might also need to be assessed by an Educational Psychologist for cognitive learning needs.

This sounds so tough for you OP. Your daughter is clearly not ready to be a responsible mature adult/parent. So you have two choices - either you take on the responsibility of parenting this baby (either in the short term for a few years until your daughter is more mature, or possibly forever if she never does) or if you are not able/willing then the best interest of the baby is to be adopted and go to loving parents who can provide a better life. You cannot bury your head in the sand, hope for the best and hope that daughter will turn her life around and grow up any time soon. Time to sit down and have a really difficult and honest conversation with your daughter about what is in baby and hers best interests.

Can you take over guardianship of the baby? It doesn’t sound like she’s coping at all

From reading, it sounds like you’ve got too much on your plate right now - Uni, part time work, 3 children and a grandchild. A daughter who has gone through difficulties and is still a child at this stage, right?

If she is neurodivergent she may be a few years behind her peers in terms of capacity (in some respects).

I don’t think you can expect her to be responsible for all her life admin at this stage in light of this. All the hallmarks are there in terms of extreme teen behaviour, disorganisation, oversexualised/tends to get involved in semi-abusive situations as vulnerable and be influenced by/get involved with the wrong crowd.

Once things are a bit calmer I would prioritise getting her assessed, as if she is diagnosed and is disabled the level of support on all fronts for her will go up dramatically.

As to your current predicament. As a parent I would step in and help her do as much admin as possible to keep her on the rails and involve social services too. Possibly consider deferring your course for a year - is is possible to take some time out. You do have circumstances that warrant it.

It is unfair yes that you may have to sacrifice given that there are only so many hours in the day, but for the sake of the family overall, it may be something you need to look at. Your daughter isn’t coping and she’s resorting to escapist behaviour with this new boy. She needs very firm guidance and boundaries.

It isn’t easy and I wish you luck. Take care.

Your daughter can’t raise this baby, she’s 15. Either you need to raise him as yours and she may or may not step up when she’s older or he needs to be put up for adoption.

This was me twenty years ago op, along with the support from Care to Learn. Firstly, can I say that you cannot make someone be who they are not. No amount of strictness, trying to reason etc will change that. I know and found out the hard way. You will become exhausted and you and your family will suffer.

My dd was 15 as well and started off well. She had so much support, love and kindness shown to her. But she rejected it all. Long story short, she ended up leaving citing me being "too strict" with her. She simply wanted to get away to live her teenage years, partying, sleeping around, getting her own accommodation and leaving her ds with us. She got thrown out of her accomodation. The house was all but destroyed. She was already pregnant again.

For those posters who say ring social services - well I did. It made no difference whatsoever. They are suspicious and indifferent to calls from family members who they view as trying to take the baby. For us it took two different friends of my dd ringing them during an incredibly stressful situation for action to be taken. They then rang the Police, who took action. I rang them too, but they took no action as I had no PR. The worker even told us they need an "outside" party to call with concerns.

I wont go on any further op but you can DM me if you wish.

The boys are now 20 and 18. They have needed a lot of support but they have got there.

Feel for you op. My good friend eventually adopted his own grandson (with his second wife) with a not dissimilar start, the daughter has left their life completely. He found SS VERY pushy and does feel that it accelerated the situation for the teen (now in her late 20s), he regrets that the teen felt noone was there for her, its inevitable the needs of the most vulnerable child come first, but often the teen needs a lot of support to 'get there' but its not unusual for teens to oush back against support and guidance bwcause of that teen urge to push away from parejts/ authority. I know a lot about their aituation because I have/had a teen mum (im 50 now!) and my friend felt comfortable talking with me as he knew I was removed as a child for a while etc. You've got a lot going on, you will need to be very clear with ss what you can't do and encourage your child to be honest about the situation, rather than dismissing / minimising/ avoiding things. I think more teen parents need counselling and foxused careers supporrt as well as parenting skills courses, but of course there's very little ultimately done.

@Nowherenew

I don’t agree that most 14/15 year olds abort or give up their babies.
I went to school and 3 girls had babies e
before 16 and they are all incredible mums and from the start. 2 had parents support 1 didn’t, all of them had no help from the dad or the dad’s family.

I agree that’s a very young age but not all are not mature enough and would act like this, I do over the years know other 15 year olds that have had babies and been fine too, and some that have had abortions and been fine, it really just depends on the person and how they are.

OP you need more support and so does she. You have to sit down with her and do these calls as well. I think she needs parenting courses and social services involved, she isn’t mature and that baby is at risk.

she just naturally assumes that baby is OK if she goes out ? As far as she is concerned she is your daughter so therefore it is up to you to care for her and the baby. If you have popped out then she assumes that 12 Yr old brother is OK to mind the baby for a bit until you get back.
In her immature thinking the baby will be ok because you will always sort things out. Baby is in bed so he will sleep. Mum will be back soon so OK for brother to babysit.

Oh what a tricky situation. Firstly, your daughter clearly isn't mature enough to parent a baby right now.
You've tried your best and you're trying to better your own situation by studying at uni and working, so you can't fix this alone.
Contact SS for advice and support. Do you think your DD would go to a mother and baby unit if she was offered that option?

I can only echo what others have said. Your daughter is very clearly not capable of caring for her child adequately. She sounds immature even for a 15-year-old, let alone a 15-year-old with a baby. Social services need involvement here. If you're not in a position to care for your grandson full-time (and there is no reason why you should be) then she needs to be in a mother-and-baby foster care arrangement for teenage mothers where she will be supervised, educated in childcare and professionally supported.

A social worker should be involved.

And i agree with others re adoption. She's clearly not ready to raise a baby, and it's your not responsibility to do so for her.

I forgot to add that if she goes to college and is on a low income or benefits then she will get childcare costs paid for so can get a childminder for free, she doesn’t need to use babysitters.

This may also benefit you and her because she will have another adult ( qualified adult) to answer to and she will see how other parents are with their children too.
She may also sort the money situation out quicker for that but I think you need to do this with her.

That’s nice to hear!

Of all the girls I’ve known of the same age (either when I was young or have worked with) have basically not had the child by abortion/adoption or their parents have raised them and the girl is often involved but nowhere near as much as the mum.

There’s no way my 15yo would be mature enough to cope and she’s very sensible and well behaved.

In this situation I probably would have pushed for adoption at birth but I guess if her DD didn’t want that then you can’t force her.

I think you’ve ‘inherited’ another child @Ithinkiminlimbo
Whether this is something that will stay like that or whether she will wake up when the baby is a bit older (and easier?) remains to be seen.

But just now she doesn’t seem to have the maturity to look after a young baby.

Id plan your life around that idea whilst hoping/trying to make her realise she has no other choice but to be responsible.

And then you have all the other stuff and I agree with PP.
She needs counselling
You need SS to be involved

With all due respect, that baby needs to be fostered or adopted or you take over his care and foster him.
She's clearly not ready to be a mum and she's putting him in harms way.
Needs to be done before something happens to your grandson.

A 14/15 yo (especially one so immature and with issues) cannot raise a baby.

Of all the girls I know that age that get pregnant, they either abort/give the baby up or their parents raise the child.

They don’t usually raise the baby themselves.

Hmmm, not sure I agree that they 'don't usually raise the baby themselves'. Of all the girls I've known in that situation, if they've gone ahead and had the baby they've all raised the child themselves and, certainly in the cases I know most closely, have done a remarkably good job of it. However, all three of them were mature for their age and were fairly lucky in terms of their family situation. I'm sure it might have been different for them if they'd been in less stable/secure/supportive environments, or if they'd had additional needs.

Op your daughter is a feckless fool.If you take on this child, do you think this will be the end of it? I almost guarantee she will have more, because she has no sense of responsibility.
This child ( and others that come along) should be put up fir adoption whilst theyvare still babies to give them tge best life chances they can in this sorry state of affairs

OP, this is a really sad situation and I’m not sure what you can do. You haven’t mention how your dd is with her baby - have they bonded? Does she play with him? Dress him and change nappies etc or is that all falling to you?
Regarding the admin stuff just fill it in for her or do it together- she might not know how to fill the forms in.
Get help from SS or Google local charities that provide support for mums and babies.
Lots of pp have mentioned adoption or you becoming the legal guardian of the baby; either way your dd will need support (as will you in coming to the right decision)
Your post reminded me of the story of Jenelle and her mum on Teen Mom - her mum became the guardian of the baby and I believe she still is whilst Jenelle went out parting etc

Please don't kick her out.

There is research out there (to be fair, haven't critically analysed it) that teen parents have good further outcome measures when they have a really good support network.

Be very careful about bringing SS into the picture. We did that some years ago, your situation sounds very similar to what mine was. It was worse with hard drug taking & DV from DD partner.
The SS took a divisive stand & because (as your DD has done in the past) our DD told them we'd been abusive (this was never investigated or supported, we'd never even been talked to about this allegation, these were just written into reports as if it was true but just staying the right side of the law), she basically blamed us for her lack of control around her parenting. So she stopped us from seeing grandchildren. Ss said "nothing to do with us" (after we stepped in time & again to take care of them for DD). I'd just be careful because some SS are ok, some not so good.

I'd contact the health visitor just for an initial conversation, I'd steer clear of going directly to SS. If HV thinks a referral should be made then let them do that.

But yes sounds like your DD isn't managing the responsibility of a child, she'll improve with support but that doesn't have to be you. She's not listening to you anyway is she?

@curaçao why would you call the daughter a ‘feckless fool’? If she for impregnated as a child (15!) I would consider the daughter has been abused. So surprised how some people look at kids.

I think people should speak about the daughter with sympathy and grace

it’s not feckless the fact she was impregnated as a child… poor thing

Temp foster care is not in the child’s best interest. If the child’s mother is unable to raise him then he needs to be placed for adoption - he needs permanence and security. All that a temp fostering placement will do is traumatise him . It’s not as if things are going to be different in a years time and the baby will just be more damaged moving him around

... There are lot of people wanting to adopt healthy children under 2 and theres no one wanting to adopt a 5 year our boy with severe emotional and behavioural problems

Totally agree with this