Horrible. Spoilt. Entitled. My teenage daughter

[Helllpme]

Sorry for the long post and thank you for your time.
My teenage daughter is ruining our family and I don’t know where to turn. A CAMHS consultant psychiatrist says she isn’t suffering from mental illness although they can’t definitively rule out neurodevelopment disorders. She accused her loving father, my husband of sexual assault. To dispel any doubts the police said they have no reason to believe her account.
We are walking on egg shells around her. She self harms at least once a week. There have been A&E trips because she needs stitching or antidotes administering.
Her behaviour at school is also extreme. She has no friends to speak off.

We’re middle class and have offered her a good upbringing. She talks as though she feels incredibly sorry for herself and is very entitled. We’ve had many a conversation with her about taking some responsibility.

I don’t know what to do. CAMHS aren’t interested and neither is social services. She’s on the cusp of getting kicked out of school because of her disruptive behaviours. I’ve fallen out of love with her and I am incredibly stressed and sad.

This is very bizarre, some of your answers are v strange op, in their lack of care and awareness of your dds pain and suffering. It makes me wonder if you have a PD - as someone upthread said - PD's are rooted in trauma so perhaps you have your own trauma background that impact your ability to connect with your daughters distress. This is incredibly sad and worrying for her.

Police and SS closing case is not truth finding. Not having concrete evidence doesn't = it didn't happen.

Agree with posters above. If you can afford a private assessment for ASD/ ADHD this may go some way to understanding her way of processing the world.
alongside therapy ( counsellors can’t prescribe medication) look at BACP website-this will give her a chance to talk freely.
Above all-seeing her bahaviour as communication of distress.
And yes of course what she is viewing online can influence teenagers greatly so do what you need to do to monitor that.
keep close to her- has she retracted her statement about the abuse or maintained it? False accusations can be made but as others have said it’s an indicator of distress regardless and she’s shouting out to you with her behaviour that something is intolerable to her.

We've had something similar with allegations (not of that nature though), sh, lashing out etc. not my daughter but one very close to my family.
Caravan I believe you because I've seen it first hand for myself. But she does need help, quite urgently. Help has been arranged for the person I know but she won't engage.
We know what caused the behaviour and it's distressing to say the least.

Class has nothing to do with it. Anyone can be subjected to abuse either online, or in person.
I believe you but she needs help

My 2nd daughter was struggling last year at aged 14 years, I can absolutely say she was distressed, I can also say there was nothing troubled about her home life.

she had a terrible year - angry, dysregulated, no self harm but broken doors from kicking them, school refusal, drop in grades. We both have professional jobs but work around school pick up times, marriage is solid, no alcoholism, no punitive punishments, we have enough money. It was just a shit year. No weight changes, she’s slim and fit. We saw a child psychologist; she’s not neurodiverse and wasn’t mentally unwell, just perhaps struggling with teen shifts in her sense of self. Hated her braces and her acne.

A year later and she’s much better. Braces and acne are gone but we didn’t change or address anything else 🤷‍♀️. She’s very smart with maths/science and is back to topping the year in her academically selective school, with minimal effort. Friends are fine, part time work is going well.

I don’t know what went wrong last year and I don’t think she knows either but home was, and continues to be, very stable. In fact, I think that helped. Very clear and firm boundaries about abusive behaviour and attending school as well as being emotionally responsive.

Sorry - meant to reply to @Antst

Hi there,
I am reading this and this is happening to me and my family - it’s like reading my own story.
we are desperate and it’s awful what is happening to us. If you want to chat or anything please let me know, and know you are not alone.
Thanks
kate

i suggest getting her out of camhs asap. camhs does (excuse the language) a fuckload of nothing and will likely make her mental health even worse.

Like many others who have responded here, I am inclined to believe your daughter, though of course none of us - including you - can know for sure whether she has been assaulted by your husband or not. The fact that social services and police have cleared your family does not mean an assault did not happen. It is sadly very common in families where incest or SA have taken place for the victim not to be believed because the implications of abuse for the whole family are enormous and it is easier to make the victim the 'problem'.

Have you considered that one of your sons may be involved which is why your daughter has accused her father? That version might be less painful for her. Get off Mumsnet and get your family some professional help, and if that means prescription drugs to get her through this time, then do it. Communication is the main thing you need here.