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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Horrible. Spoilt. Entitled. My teenage daughter

109 replies

Helllpme · 03/10/2023 18:47

Sorry for the long post and thank you for your time.
My teenage daughter is ruining our family and I don’t know where to turn. A CAMHS consultant psychiatrist says she isn’t suffering from mental illness although they can’t definitively rule out neurodevelopment disorders. She accused her loving father, my husband of sexual assault. To dispel any doubts the police said they have no reason to believe her account.
We are walking on egg shells around her. She self harms at least once a week. There have been A&E trips because she needs stitching or antidotes administering.
Her behaviour at school is also extreme. She has no friends to speak off.

We’re middle class and have offered her a good upbringing. She talks as though she feels incredibly sorry for herself and is very entitled. We’ve had many a conversation with her about taking some responsibility.

I don’t know what to do. CAMHS aren’t interested and neither is social services. She’s on the cusp of getting kicked out of school because of her disruptive behaviours. I’ve fallen out of love with her and I am incredibly stressed and sad.

OP posts:
sparklefresh · 03/10/2023 19:30

mauvish · 03/10/2023 19:25

Kindly, @Helllpme --

you don't want her to see a 1:1 professional to help her with her mental state
you don't want her on medication
you don't feel able to support her yourself
you acknowledge that she has no other external support

what do you actually want for her? What do you want to do? What do you want other people to suggest?

Yeah, this.

Antst · 03/10/2023 19:31

Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:22

I know of other teenagers on meds and the outcomes are dire

Are you a medical professional though? If you're not and you're insisting on ignoring medical advice, then you're part of the problem.

I'm not a medical expert but I am a scientist. It is a good idea to ask questions about what doctors are telling you about medicine. It's a great idea to get a second opinion. It is not a good idea to assume you know better if your daughter is seriously troubled and someone is telling you what she needs to do.

Yes, be careful about any advice that involves medication. Do not ignore it though or assume you know better than the doctors. Look at how upset you are about your daughter. Don't rule potential solutions out.

Cumbrianlife · 03/10/2023 19:31

This is the worst post I've ever read on MN and I've been here a very long time. Your poor DD. I sincerely hope It's not true.

Tribevibes · 03/10/2023 19:32

@YourTruthorMine

No, it’s not difficult at all to understand. Not with my background, my family members and my job. Labelling a sexual abuse victim with a personality disorder is victim blaming at its absolute finest and the whole concept of “personality disorders” is already on shaky ground. Most people who work in the field, psychiatrists included don’t actually believe people are born disordered. That stands for all those “disorders” in Cluster A, B and C of the DSM.

Antst · 03/10/2023 19:32

mauvish · 03/10/2023 19:25

Kindly, @Helllpme --

you don't want her to see a 1:1 professional to help her with her mental state
you don't want her on medication
you don't feel able to support her yourself
you acknowledge that she has no other external support

what do you actually want for her? What do you want to do? What do you want other people to suggest?

You've summed it up perfectly. The OP is part of the problem. OP, you need to take this seriously and stop throwing out solutions.

Original poster
Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:34

Her behaviours seemed to gear up when we got her a phone. I think technology and recovery accounts have ruined my daughters life and the whole family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:35

I just dearly want for everything to go back to normal

OP posts:
Original poster
Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:36

I am worried about medication because they might force it on her and not let me decide.

OP posts:
Thehonestybox · 03/10/2023 19:38

Your daughter's situation was the same as mine at 15, (inc. Accessing proana and SH encouraging websites) and I attempted suicide a few months later.

Thankfully NHS gave me a therapist straight away. You need to get your daughter a therapist ASAP.

Her accessing accounts may be influencing her, or maybe she's turning to them because it's how she feels already. Either way, you absolutely can't decide this yourself.

Do your one and only job as a parent and protect her by getting her private therapy. SH is a mental health issue

Onceuponaheartache · 03/10/2023 19:39

Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:36

I am worried about medication because they might force it on her and not let me decide.

Oh ffs thus is not about you.

It is not about what you do or don't want

It is about what is best for your daughter.

FFS help your poor daughter before she succeeds in killing herself.

wincarwoo · 03/10/2023 19:39

Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:36

I am worried about medication because they might force it on her and not let me decide.

You need to have your daughters best interests at heart. It doesn't sound like you do

Original poster
Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:43

For all the haters out there you haven’t had this happen to you. You haven’t had to witness your husband be arrested or your daughter be detained by police.

OP posts:
Weefreetiffany · 03/10/2023 19:44

Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:01

Although we need help I’ve been wary of 1:1 therapy as I don’t want to put ideas in to her mind if you get what I mean.

Woah that comes off as controlling as hell.

Reading between the lines, maybe exploring Childhood Emotional Neglect with a therapist would be an excellent starting point for your daughter.

Original poster
Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:45

We’ve always done the best as parents, we’ve done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2023 19:45

At 15, your daughter can decide for herself whether or not she wants to go on to medication.

Antst · 03/10/2023 19:46

Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:43

For all the haters out there you haven’t had this happen to you. You haven’t had to witness your husband be arrested or your daughter be detained by police.

I don't see haters. People are trying to help you. You don't want to hear it. I have already said my piece and you can take the advice or not.

All I'll say right now is to repeat that you are definitely part of this dynamic. If you want a happy family and a stable, happy daughter, you need to look at your role in this. You need to take the advice here.

mauvish · 03/10/2023 19:47

Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:36

I am worried about medication because they might force it on her and not let me decide.

Did you say that your daughter is 15?

In UK law, you don't have the automatic right to decide whether your daughter should take medication or not. If she is deemed to have competence to understand the decision and the consequences of making that decision, then the choice is hers. A parents' job in this situation is not to decide on behalf of thir child, but to support them towards and in their own decision.

Similarly, your daughter cannot be forced to take medication against her will - not by you, not by medical professionals. The only way that could be the case would be if she was admitted to psychiatric care under one of the sections of the Mental Health Act.

You need to look for and after your daughter's interests here, and not just look for what you do and don't want in the situation.

Onceuponaheartache · 03/10/2023 19:47

Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:45

We’ve always done the best as parents, we’ve done nothing wrong.

You are very clearly in denial and if your posts are accurate then you have done soooooo much wrong.

People aren't being haters, they are trying to get you to understand that there is a fucking good chance that your husband has actually abused your daughter and by refusing to believe her you are compounding and allowing the abuse.

itsmyp4rty · 03/10/2023 19:48

So they've said they can't rule out neurodevelopment disorders so it's quite possible she has ASD and/or ADHD, I wouldn't be surprised if she has both.
She maybe very impulsive as a result.

If the SA isn't true then I would say there's a good chance it was an impulsive act due to ADHD. Done because, from an ASD point of view, this would be a way to 'get rid' of her dad for whatever reason (might be something genuinely awful or might be something that just seems genuinely awful from her ND perspective). This would be done very possibly without any thought or real understanding of the consequences or implications.

This is a child that is struggling more than you can ever imagine though, she feels like no one understands her - which is probably true. I would recommend getting her private assessed for both ASD and ADHD if at all possible. Once you have a diagnosis then you can figure out where you go from there with more understanding about what is going on. In the meantime I would get her a therapist and tell them the possible diagnoses and what has happened. They might also be able to help get to the bottom of what's going on if she starts to trust them and will engage with them. She really needs you in her corner too.

If she does have ADHD then medication might make her into a much easier person to be around and allow her to feel more 'normal'.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2023 19:49

Well said @Antst
People on this thread are deeply concerned for your dd. They’re trying to help her rather than you. You asked for help with her and I would recommend you seek your own therapy.

Please listen to them and help your daughter. She is crying out for help. Whether or not she has been abused isn’t the point right now. The point is to help her. And to unpick what actually transpired.

Weefreetiffany · 03/10/2023 19:50

With kindness though, clearly something has gone wrong. Like pp said, children like this rarely come from stable, supportive environments.

if you struggle with criticism and have such rigid thinking and harshness as shown in your responses, what kind of environments have you unknowingly and unmeaningly set up for your daughter?

please help her.

mauvish · 03/10/2023 19:51

Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:45

We’ve always done the best as parents, we’ve done nothing wrong.

I for one haven't said otherwise.

But be that as it may, Something has gone badly wrong here, hasn't it? And neither you nor your husband nor your daughter can sort it out.

So you need to turn to other sources of help, and accept them.

TastyLikeARaindrop · 03/10/2023 19:52

Medication saved my dd and I know many others who it's helped. In my dd's case taking a low dose of fluoxetine got her to open up to me about what was going on in her life and got us talking again. It stopped her SH and SI thoughts and saved our relationship and possibly her life.

itsmyp4rty · 03/10/2023 19:53

I don't think people have noticed that they said she could be ND - she could have both undiagnosed ADHD and ASD.

It really could explain a lot and doesn't mean the OP or her husband has necessarily been a terrible parent. She does of course need help though whatever the case. I think a private assessment asap is what is badly needed.

Original poster
Helllpme · 03/10/2023 19:53

We tried to get her to take sepia but she refused

OP posts:
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