Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

@coffeandrteav
Oh dear, that’s a worry for you but hopefully the police spoke to her about the potential danger. Sometimes this is what they need to learn. Sending hugs.

Thanks I really hope so she is ASD and ADHD high functioning but doesn't see danger. Actually thinks she is streetwise. I do hope you are right though.

Surprised the police just dropped her off and didn't knock me up though.

@coffeandrteav
Ah, yes. My sons ASC and just doesn’t read situations the same as others. I understand you. I’m sure the police will have spoken to her though.

Do they come back to you? My 17 YO is so distant. I barely see her. So sarcastic too. She will be away to uni next year. I wish I had a good relationship now to enjoy before she leaves home.

she’s desperate to leave home. Makes me sad. She has no time for us.

Anyone else feeling constantly on edge? I don't know if it's me, not having work to distract me, but what DCs are or aren't doing is really making me anxious. There haven't been any actual issues over Christmas, it's just a horrible feeling.

There are reasons though - things that have happened/ongoing minor things that could escalate.

I wish I could be like DH who basically has his fingers in his ears going LA LA LA. That's probably it actually. Exhausted being the one trying to think how to fix it. Today he was talking about taking up a new hobby. Great. Even less headspace for day-to-day teen parenting.

My 18 year old is struggling massively. She has tried an attempt on her life at the end of November and since then she is just out all the time till 6am most nights. She went to go and they put her on antidepressants and told her to refer for therapy which she won't do. She works in a bar so is around alcohol a lot. She goes out after work and then doesn't come home till early hours normally around 6/7 in the morning. Since November I'm on high alert all the time and struggling to sleep massively all the time. I've tried talking to her and she promises this and that and then next day just does it again. She promises that there is no drug use but she has been lying a lot recently so I don't know. She has mental health issues I know this and I try to help her every day but she just keeps putting herself in danger by being out in town. She was touched inappropriately by some creepy weirdo when walking alone to get cab the other night but won't go to the police. Im a single mum and I'm struggling so much. I don't know what to do

@AlwaysSomethingWithTeens
I feel this anxiety a lot. I think because our teen doesn’t talk to us and is online a lot over the hols till the wee small hours and I’m left wondering wtf is going on. We haven’t been great at locking down his phone (we’re tech dinosaurs compared to him and I read on the NSPCC website even if you try they can still access stuff so better to keep channels of communication open and talk, but of course ours doesn’t). There have been problems with chat groups getting out of hand and my son’s ASC. My husband keeps saying he hopes he improves and so do I BUT I feel a bit more active parenting is required than just blind hope.

Haven't posted recently on this thread.
So heartbreaking many of us in this situation.

Bobsled....I know how it feels when your DD is desperate to leave home.
I have a mentally ill DD who has always looked forward to living on her own from 18 even prior to mental illness.
Now things have gone so bad she is planning to ask her social worker if she can be placed in foster care ASAP.
I don't know if there is any more of a bottom we can hit 😞
Part of me thinks if she hates us so much, maybe her living with another family will atleast help her...
I have never been more heartbroken!

Whilst I understand how hurtful it can feel if your teen wants to leave home, it’s not necessarily a negative thing. It’s our job as parents to raise independent adults who can function without us. I think some teens can be vile to make the separation easier.

I have the opposite problem - my nearly 17 year old autistic dd is so utterly dependent on me and not very independent at all, she’s got a lot to learn before she’s ready to leave. I’ll be singing from the rooftops when she does!

@Bobsledgirl Im sure your dd will come back. Pat yourself on the back for raising her to be independent and enjoy the freedom it gives you. As hard as this stage is, I wouldn’t go back to the toddler/small child stage if you paid me. Remember when they were small and you couldn’t even nip to the shops without dragging them out? I love being able to go out and do my own thing now, no need for babysitters any more.

My Dd is currently on hour 7 of getting ready to go and help her disabled grandmother because I'm ill. The selfishness is out of this world.

Do you see your teens ? My 18 y o (still at school- revising) has been invisible all holidays. See him once a day for food. No interest in doing anything with us. Feels like he's already moved out. Surely there must be something we can enjoy together?

No. Barely see mine either. I suggest things but they have no interest.

Hi everyone, so pleased to have found this thread. I'm a single mum of three, my oldest is 13. He's basically spent most of the break in bed on his phone chatting to friends and gaming. He's so moody when I ask him to get up and get dressed. I've managed to drag him out on a couple of short walks with the younger two. However, the walk is then not enjoyable for anyone. I'm really worried about what the next five years will bring and struggle with my own mental health already. Just hope I can navigate it on my own. Sending a big virtual hug to you all x

@bendmeoverbackwards your nearly 17 year old sounds like my DD, also nearly 17 and autistic. I really worry about getting her to a place where she is able to be independent. Are you doing anything in particular to get your DD in the right place?

It's a roller coaster for sure! I'm sure it's more complicated if you have other children at different stages. I find that, in a relatively calm period, if I let my teen approach me rather than approaching her to spend time with us, it turns out better. But if you have family plans that are not flexible, you will have to negotiate an agreement (demanding that he tolerates family time for a limited number of hours or days).
From my experience, you have to take what you get. Be happy and sociable when he's agreeable, let him be when he's not. I hear they come out on the other side; we're not there yet. My mental health is also not great.

@BlueyDragon at the moment dd does not want to accept her diagnosis or receive any offers of help. I can't force her.

Right I’m done today. Kids bedrooms have been a tip since 3 weeks ago and at 16 and 9 they should be able to.

I’ve cooked every meal, washing up every meal and put away every meal. Tomorrow I’m black sacking their rooms - and they won’t be allowed out after tea tonight unless they are tidy.

They have fought about n o t h I n g all day and then demanded sweets when we went go to garden centre - friend’s teenager were also horrors. I am so sick of them not washing their hands, not clearing up after themselves. But no I started a New Year’s resolution of me not shouting and asking nicely. My 16 year old has been dire and my nine year old lost all 10 stars of his star chart. 16 year old spent 30 minutes on the ‘thinking step’ 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️rather than say sorry. Came back from the garden centre where she had a £50 pair of shoes brought for her - pulled on the drive and they started fighting g with lollipop sticks and poking each other.

so we are one in and one out now. Eldest cooking tea and youngest tidying his room and I’m going in the bath with the door open so I can see if one tries to go from kitchen to bedrooms or whatever - give me a tower of strength …..

Did your 16 year old sit on the thinking step? Good that she listens to you.

Mine would have well I can't even imagine. Probably ran off.

Can I just say to you all tonight… I think you’re blooming marvellous for not throwing in the towel and just giving up and running away 😜

thanks. I feel like running away every day!

I’d come, but the little blighters would only come and find me 😜

It's so encouraging to feel less alone! My DS is 18, though is a good 3 years behind in emotional development/maturity and it's so hard to be patient and wait for him to 'come good'. His thing is alcohol rather than weed, though who knows, maybe he's doing that too somewhere outside the house.

He made it to the end of secondary school and we all have the battle scars to prove it, so now he's working in fast food till he decides what to do next. He doesn't have many friends and I think just feels lonely a lot of the time.

It is so hard to watch!

It is hard to watch. They won’t listen to advice.

my DD just went out to meet friends to do homework. She says. I honestly don’t believe half of what she tells me. Of course I can’t say this as she blows up….‘can’t believe you don’t trust me!’ Truth is I don’t. She lied to me over summer about where she was and I’ve lost all trust in her. I end up questioning her about her activities a lot. Which isn’t great as it starts rows. Every time. But I hate lies.

Yes my 16 will sit on the thinking step 🤦‍♀️😂I have found a 24 hour phone take away also works. She is very reliant on me for a lift to school, lift to her tutoring (she is the tutor), lifts to drama, music, Horseriding etc so if she refuses to go I refuse to go. They have been better today but eldest did shout at me to take her to her musical theatre group at 7.30 at 7.30 pm without asking and when I said who are you talking to? Got a sulky sorry etc

those of you when they smoke weed - where do they get the money / weed from?