How to break it to him that he's not getting lunch money when he starts college?

[yesithinkido]

16 yr old will start college in September. We took him for the open day and as we didn't know exactly what was going to happen we gave him 5 pounds to buy lunch. He told us later they were given a free lunch and he spent the 5 pounds by buying a can of drink for £2.50.
We never got the change but that's teenagers for you lol.
As we were driving home he said I think I'll buy meal deals for my lunch...
I didn't say anything (stepmum here) as I wanted to see what his dad thought- and If dad planned to finance these 4 x £4 meal deals a week.
Dad said no way am I paying 20 quid a week for his lunch when we have a fridge full of stuff for him to take sandwiches.
But how do we tell him?
He already feels badly done to that he has a job and buys his own stuff - but expects it and sees it as normal that we pay 60 pounds a month for his gym membership and his football- which we don't mind at all. I don't want to have to find another £70 a month to cover his lunches though. We have 4 kids living at home. The oldest 2 work and also take sandwiches with them. The younger child gets free school dinners. We have just enough money to get by comfortably (with that I mean we don't have sleepless night worrying how to pay for the gas bill- but we also don't have excess to pay for a nice holiday in the summer)
His mum isn't in the picture so no good asking for any help from her.

Time to give him the £60/month. Tell him he can choose to spend it all on lunches, or he can take packed lunches and continue with gym/football.

Its fine if he doesn't like warm sandwiches - he can use a couple of ice blocks or he can make himself other types of food to take to college.

Id say we need to have a chat about you getting a part time job so you have your own funds, this will of course cover stuff for college - like lunches or you can have free lunch if you take it with you. It's just we need to be clear that the older two cover their own expenses, they take free lunch from the fridge and the expectation is you'll be treated the same.

If he can pick up part time work now through the summer, come September he will have some, or should have some savings. The job will hopefully continue through the term time.

There is an abundance of jobs around presently, zero hours contracts, casual hospitality jobs etc

If you want a meal deal everyday, you’re going to have to pay for that yourself. Me and Dad can’t stretch to that. Happily do you a packed lunch though? How about you alternate it and take packed lunch for three days but treat yourself to a meal deal on a Friday?

https://www.gov.uk/1619-bursary-fund/what-youll-get

Decide what you're happy to pay for and give him a regular allowance that covers that - hand over responsibility for as much as possible, so he takes over paying for his phone, gym, football, bus fares. He can then make his own decisions about spending his allowance and any earnings - whether to cycle or get the bus to college, take sandwiches or buy something, go out with his mates or buy a new item of clothing. Make sure he knows what you've budgeted for, so he knows that if he's buying lunches he'll need to make savings elsewhere.

I'm intrigued that a 16 year old needs a gym membership btw. Is that common? Someone will be along to say that all 16 year olds go to the gym next, and they all have to be driven there...

the ones I know/knew including my dd it was for a reason. Eg dd was training as a dancer and applying for dance college, my Neice swam competitively, ds’s friend was a swimmer and lifeguard.

Basic sandwiches (cheese, tuna etc) from our local co-op are £1.20, but the meal deal there (sandwich, drink and snack) is £4.. meal deals are a rip off unless you put in the premium sandwiches (£3+).

If he's awkward when it comes to cold sandwiches, why can't he buy a 'basic' sandwich everyday, and take his own drinks and snacks from home to make his own 'meal deals' at a fraction of the price?

I would personally tell him to take his own packup as it's cheaper, but if he doesn't want to do that, at 16 he needs to start thinking about solutions to his own problems, the problem with 'cold' sandwiches is literally a personal preference at this point, so that is very much a HIM problem, not a YOU problem.

He is only 60 so personally I would help him a bit as he seems like a great kid . I would give him spending money one day a week at least for a treat

Oh, so not the OP then, @Heckythump1?

OP said this: We have 4 kids living at home. The oldest 2 work and also take sandwiches with them. The younger child gets free school dinners.

My son starts secondary school in Sept. He did a weeks transition and was spending just shy of £4 a day. When he starts in sept I will also have to pay for his laptop £15 a month and bus fare £60 a month. I've been very upfront with him, he can take sandwiches 3 times a week and buy lunch twice a week. I'm a single parent, I can't finance that amount on lunches. I don't spend that on my work lunches either.

ds gets a modest monthly allowance. He also works PT.

Up to him if he spends his money on lunches or takes from the fridge. He mostly prefers water so takes a water bottle and will buy something cheap to eat.

He wouldn't take in an insulated packed lunch bag - if skint he would probably opt for a big breakfast and a snack bar to see him through. He says he has never seen anyone carry around packed lunches, I think most want to fit in with their peers.

Check with the college for a nursery. I had one, as I came from a low income family. It covered my travel and drinks/snacks.

If he had free meals in school he should get them in college too even if just a basic meal or sandwich, crisps and drink. It's worth asking if he can apply for a bursary too. In the college I worked in - if students were approved for a bursary they were not just given the cash to spend on whatever they wished but could put in a request that they needed subject course books, stationery, laptop, printing credits, trips related to subject criteria, bus pass etc. When we ordered things for them their bursary allowance went further as we had the benefit of discounts and so on. On occasions when the Bursary was not enough then special consideration was given for additional funds.
If you are entitled to it - do use it.

Just be clear with him that lunch will be coming from home as otherwise it will be unfair on his siblings and not affordable for the family. The gym membership is expensive...we use The Gym Group and membership is around £25 per month. The college will probably have a gym that the students can use .

IRL, I'm renowned as a hard-hearted Hannah. 😐

I don't read any 'cheek' into his statement.

I read his comment as a combination of natural excitement and naivety - typical, somewhat endearing, 16yo behaviour.

I could well imagine any of my nephews saying the same at that age, and none of them are cheeky other than in an intentional humorous/amusing way.

don’t think he was being entitled when he said what he would do for lunch, he is probably excited at going to college and being , more grown up or wanting to fit in with the other students on his course. He is just learning about the world and college will be very different from school so big adjustments for him

I agree with you. He just got a bit carried away and didn’t do anything wrong.

My sons had had a gym membership of his own since he was 16 before that he was on mine from 12 years old.

Have you both not challenged the absent mother's claim for child benefit at all? You should definitely make a claim as you're the ones with whom the child resides permanently. She may deny receiving it, but as they investigate this, they will be able to find out for sure where the payments are going and /or being cashed. If she is found to be really receiving this money, she would surely be classed as receiving it fraudulently? Especially as no money is being paid to you both by her at all. That is money she shouldn't be getting, and your step child would benefit from.

You do.realise some people count the child benefit as part of their monthly budget ?

There should be a bursary at his college for his A level textbooks (physical and digital) and school lunches given your income level and number of siblings.

I am much meaner than you. We have 4 kids and have always said packed lunches are free to take, they can have one school meal a week and any more than that they pay for themselves. They have been making lunches since they were about 8 years old. DD (13) usually takes in leftovers in a hotpot tin. DS (17) makes really healthy stuff, salads and stuff, DS 16 doesn't appear to eat much apart from an apple and a marmite sandwich 😁

we pay 60 pounds a month for his gym membership and his football

Check with your gym as the one in my area has a concessionary membership scheme to give free or discounted memberships to low income students

Omg and you share a life/bed/fridge with this bloke?

why is he leaving the communication with his ds to you?

urgh! Nothing worse than a piss poor, dumbass lazy dad.

My oldest son speaks his thoughts out loads sometimes so what can appear thoughtless or cheeky is him just working things through. If he said something like this I would just ignore it in the moment and then drop into conversation about college 'of course you will probably be taking sandwiches most of the time otherwise it will be too expensive what with gym etc. We can get you a lunch bag that keros things cool'. The likelihood is he won't disagree. He is not being cheeky in my opinion, he is just excited about college and 16.

Should say out loud....not loads.