How to break it to him that he's not getting lunch money when he starts college?

[yesithinkido]

16 yr old will start college in September. We took him for the open day and as we didn't know exactly what was going to happen we gave him 5 pounds to buy lunch. He told us later they were given a free lunch and he spent the 5 pounds by buying a can of drink for £2.50.
We never got the change but that's teenagers for you lol.
As we were driving home he said I think I'll buy meal deals for my lunch...
I didn't say anything (stepmum here) as I wanted to see what his dad thought- and If dad planned to finance these 4 x £4 meal deals a week.
Dad said no way am I paying 20 quid a week for his lunch when we have a fridge full of stuff for him to take sandwiches.
But how do we tell him?
He already feels badly done to that he has a job and buys his own stuff - but expects it and sees it as normal that we pay 60 pounds a month for his gym membership and his football- which we don't mind at all. I don't want to have to find another £70 a month to cover his lunches though. We have 4 kids living at home. The oldest 2 work and also take sandwiches with them. The younger child gets free school dinners. We have just enough money to get by comfortably (with that I mean we don't have sleepless night worrying how to pay for the gas bill- but we also don't have excess to pay for a nice holiday in the summer)
His mum isn't in the picture so no good asking for any help from her.

Just explain that you wish you could but can't afford it. Now he is off to college, a great time to find a weekend job and get him some cash to spend. When I turned 16 I got a weekend job, only 8-10 hours a week, but it was enough to cover some clothes and if I wanted to eat at college.

Definitely just take pack lunches - lots of different lunches you can have, not just sandwiches.

Let his dad deal with this. It's ridiculous

Yep, buy him a decent lunchbox with space for an ice pack. It’s wasteful to buy a meal deal when you’ve got the food at home. Or he can buy it himself with the money from his job.

My dd takes her lunch and has an account that I put mo why on for the days she forgets or is running late or to buy snacks. Probably about £20 a month. Could do that as a compromise?

Why is she getting the child benefit? Put in an alternate claim. They’ll investigate and decide who should receive the child benefit. They’ll side with you.

We stopped giving lunch money to our son once he was at college doing a levels. His school had an excellent subsidised via parent pay - college was very different. All cash and not much fur your money. We always had stuff in he could take for a packed lunch, or he could use some of his pocket money, or wait until he got home. He did a variety of those although by the second year he mainly took his own rolls in - he worked out for himself that was the best deal.

If you can't get the FSM for any reason, the simplest way to explain it is that everyone else ie the other kids have sandwiches so it'll be the same for him. That way no discussion about money or where it's going to come from/get spent on, just the same as his siblings. There can't then be any argument about special treatment - unless he gets a bursary to cover it in which case, happy days!

This. My husband and I don't buy lunch out. We don't pay for our kids to. The important thing is, there is food available for him. If he makes a choice not to take it that's absolutely fine.

Just tell him he will need to make his own sandwiches / lunch when he goes to college? Especially if that's what his older siblings already do - he may not take it so badly as it will be a sign of him growing up / getting responsibility for himself (or at least you can try and frame it that way!).

I'm intrigued that a 16 year old needs a gym membership btw. Is that common? Someone will be along to say that all 16 year olds go to the gym next, and they all have to be driven there...

God, lunches drive me insane!

I repeatedly tell my DC that we can’t afford school meals and to make their own. But they don’t. I think they’d rather starve! Even after I’ve asked them what they want me to buy.

It’s not cool to carry a lunch box 🙄

I probably spend £75 a week on fruit 😂😭 there’s a lot of us, 9 kids!

Sorry i did see about the free school meals but it didn’t click!

Just tell him you can’t afford it, it’s good to be honest about these things and it’ll show him money doesn’t grow on trees. He might be entitled to free school meals at college too if you haven’t already checked.

My son had a bursary at college until recently that covered his lunch in the canteen. Up to a certain amount per day (no carry overs) which he never exceeded - but he has a small appetite. He wasn't given money but identified by his swipe card. All the students used swipe cards (with them or parents loading with money for those who paid) so those on free meals didn't stand out.

It sounds like it might be nice for you to buy him (with his input) a nice insulated lunch bag so he knows any sandwiches he makes at home aren't going to poison him the next day. That sort of one-off expense should be much more affordable than giving him cash each day...

god i don't even get myself lunch at work always take something from home and i have a decent amount of disposable income but i'd rather spend that on a family day out or a meal with my husband- even my 3 year old has packed lunch on days out - i got her a thermos so we can take soup or pasta out and keep it warm!

could you get him something like that?

At this age my parents gave me an allowance c£100 a month and that had to cover everything so lunches, clothes etc. it taught me to manage my money etc. and if I wanted more I topped it up with a job

Maybe he could get a Saturday job so he can ensure he has money for his lunches?

Treats like that is what he has a part time job for. You provide the basics, aka packed lunch. If he wants an upgrade he uses his wages like he does for other luxuries.

I agree that you should give him the choice of how to spend the £60 for football and gym. He may continue to want to do so but it’s funny when it’s their own money they are spending, things suddenly seem less important. Call the £60 his allowance, maybe give him a small allowance rise if you can afford it.

Thats what we did with our kids, and we didn’t have financial restraints. It teaches them to budget and prioritise wants.

Ridiculous when we've got an environmental crisis

So much better to bring food from home

Yanbu OP

Yeah but they’re teenagers.

And I am not saying all teenagers are like that - but mine are a pain!!

His father should simply tell him that you (as a family) can’t afford it.

he will either have to bring things from home or pay for it himself.

re food safety: that shouldn’t be an issue for most kinds of food. But there are insulated lunch boxes for this. Perfectly safe and not a food safety issue (IF the food was still fresh in the morning/when he packs it obviously)

I'm not sure teens are really very keen on "insulated lunch bags".
More likely to choose not to eat lunch than take their sandwiches in one of those.

@Savemesos

Yea I work with them and see firsthand. They are so wasteful

Of course. But in that case he can either choose to bring something else (that doesn’t require insulation), pay for his own lunch or try intermittent fasting…

I thought CB was paid to the person who is caring for the child. It may be worth you looking into having it paid to yourselves and not the absent mother.

Enquire about a bursary most colleges offer some help and also FSM or the equivalent for college.

i don’t think he was being entitled when he said what he would do for lunch, he is probably excited at going to college and being , more grown up or wanting to fit in with the other students on his course. He is just learning about the world and college will be very different from school so big adjustments for him.

My son is the same. Icepack or two in the bag stopped that complaining, no excuse then.