making 16 years old to move out

[Ramiona]

Hi, so according to the law, 16 years can live independently but parents are responsible for them. How does it work? I have an almost 16 years old daughter who is highly abusive. I want her out, there is nothing I can do anymore with her behaviour. I am not able to control her. She has also OCD, and anxiety. She was challenging since I remember I was asking for mental help schools but they failed to provide anything. She can hit me and kick the door walls. The current situation is not good for my younger child and I am afraid I will finish with a stroke if I live longer under the same roof as my older daughter. I need to somehow move her out, there are no other family members to take her, and her father has rights taken away by the court. I do not want to involve the police as I lied to them already when she run away for half a day saying she will hit herself (they asked if she ever hit me and I said no even thou I have pictures proving otherwise but I didn't wanted put her in trouble). I don't want to cause her trouble I just want her out.

I'm in the NW and was given social housing at 16.

There some mean judgemental answers here. Violence and so on is vary hard to deal with. I've just had a lot os shouting and I can't cope. You need to empathise a bit people. Mumsnet can be so wonderful with some responses and can also be mean with others. People come on here for some respite not more stress. Some kindness.
I empathise. Until I had a difficult teen I had no idea how bad it could be. No idea. It's not your fault. But you are carrying the can. I would cut off WiFi when I'm out. Unless that means she will smash up your house. Which of course it could.

I completely agree. I'm a psychologist and my own son attacked me last night and put me in hospital. He has ADHD. He will be 16 on Christmas day. No body understands unless they have walked in our shoes. I am educated, loving and supportive. I have two daughters who I'm really close with. The things that have happened to us are not because of poor parenting. We are parents who have been suffering, typically in silence, for years. I have been being abused by my son since he was 13. Social services do nothing. He has a social worker. He has meds. But sometimes I think he is going to kill me. He now lives with his dad....but we were both hospitalised by him last night. The police will keep him for hours and then he will be released back to us, and he will start the abuse afresh. It's an absolute nightmare and I am sending so much love to all the parents out there who have to live like this and then be blamed for poor parenting

I completely empathise with you - people who make mean comments just have no idea what it is like living with an abusive teenager. My son started being really abusive at 12 - hitting me, throwing objects at me, breaking all my property. It completely terrified me as even at 12 he was taller than me. He was making my life and his sister's life a misery. When I couldn't cope anymore he moved in with hid dad at 14 and has done exactly the same to him now as well. He will be 16 next week and we have told his social worker that neither of us can take the violence and aggression anymore. They are going to move him into supported accomodation. Every time he hurt us, or broke our propoerty we called the police - we must have called than around 80 -100 times over the last 4 years. I think keeping that record really helped with getting him into supported accomodation. He has ADHD, but combine that with hormones, a desire to be seen as a 'roadman', and a terrible attitude then no matter how loving a home you provide, no matter how much love you give - it is like living with an unpreditable time bomb. I send you love and I hope things have improved for you

I am in the same situation and if I’m honest the comments from other people have really really upset me. Child to parent violence is no joke and it’s the loneliest thing in the world to go through and it seems these other lucky users have never experienced anything like this, so unless you have it’s probably best to keep your comments to yourselves.
I begged Social services to help, they got involved but were utter crap to be honest, shut our case down eventually, my daughter has been to every single family member and each and everyone of them can’t deal with her either. I have exhausted every single resource possible, she has ADHD and I think BPD but can’t be diagnosed till she’s 18. I have tried everything, I had a nervous breakdown last year, she is abusive, manipulative and everything else and more. It’s not spoken about enough and it brings enough Shame without people making you feel worst. I have two younger children who physically shake when she starts shouting yet she doesn’t stop. I have called police, she’s been arrested due to for the 1000x smashing my home up and hitting me and nothing, it didn’t work, it got better for a while but now it’s going back to normal. Everything you can imagine we’ve been through and worst has happened.
I am the most supportive mum and I love her and still do but I honestly don’t know what to do I have nothing else to give anymore. She’s doesn’t listen to rules or boundaries. She has no respect for me or her step dad. She’s been through a lot and I have never given up on her, even with all the abuse, I still love and support her like any parent should/would, she’s had counselling, therapy, Camhs, hospitals, school support you name it I’ve done it. She was permanently excluded from school as she was the same there. But she still blames everyone else, it’s never her fault.
It has and is destroying me and I don’t know what to do anymore, it got to the point where I was very close to taking my own life as I thought maybe if I wasn’t here for her to abuse anymore it would all stop and then it would protect my other children from seeing it…that’s how low and mental my thoughts went. obviously I know it would cause more trauma for everyone so I wouldn’t but that’s how low I got.
I am in counselling myself as I was abused by her dad and it’s triggered me as her behaviour is very similar to her dads.
I show up everyday, I do what I can everyday and people commenting To the OP about what have you done to help her I absolutely guarantee she has done EVERYTHING possible!!!! They wouldn’t be saying this if it was typical domestic violence and it just shows the ignorance towards this subject.

I really hope you’re ok and I’m sending my love and thoughts to you.

I felt every word of this post. I believe you and I am in exactly the same situation, literally every single bit. especially about that road man attitude, my daughter is the same. It’s utter hell especially when you have younger ones to protect. It’s like living in constant fear and terror not knowing when it’ll kick off or if you say the wrong thing. Already been abused by her dad and I’m living the same life 15 years on now with her, I feel absolutely helpless and there is no one on earth that can help. You feel torn between loving them and knowing they’re your child to wanting to have nothing to do with them to protect yourself and your family. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world and I am so sorry you’re also going through this. Sending so much love ♥️

Hi all thx all who supported me. It is still hard and even harder, she changed school called social srvice for me as I told her she should move out if she doesnt like my rules, then she decided she wants to be a boy. she witing for mental health review which will take months to be completed.Every time she has period it is disaster she screams, slams door, call me and her sibling every possible names, wishes us dead. I finished 2 months on sick leave due to stress. It is nighmare,sometimes I feel like I don't have a child I live with abuser. I started lock our bedroom at night, I am scared....

.

I'm in the same situation and wondering how you got on?

There is no magic solution. The only thing you can do is take it day by day. My son has not improved but the way I deal with the stress has improved. All I can control is how I react. I can't control his behaviour and how he acts. I made a decision that until he is 18 (in 18 months time) then we have to 'hang on'. When he abuses us (throws stuff at us, tries to hit us) we leave the house and leave him there alone. When we come back he has typically destroyed the house. We do not react anymore as I think my son 'gets off' on upsetting us. We either just clear it up and dont say anything or if he has really wrecked it we call the police who come and take him for a few hours and stick him in a cell and then let him out again. Not reacting to him has definately taken some of his power away. My advice is not to react to what he/she is doing. Shut down your emotions when he/she is kicking off. Leave the vicinty and take the other kids with you. The more you react in my experience the more power they gain over you

Hi. I know this is an old thread but your daughter sounds similar to mine, she was diagnosed with autism at 15. Life is hell but we do have people trying to help. Not good for my younger child.

Hi OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I worked for 20 years as an Adolescent Safeguarding Social Worker, and I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. Unfortunately, I have seen this scenario played out over and over again with many families I supported.

If you genuinely believe that she is placing you and the younger siblings at risk of harm and continuing harm then you need to REPORT EVERYTHING. You must call the police when she is "attacking you". You MUST have evidence to underpin what you are saying is happening.

This will all then be sent to CS's in your area. It would be best if you were clear to them you no longer feel safe with her in the house. They may try many different things to keep her at home with you. Such as Systemic Family therapy, Musti Systemic Therapy, and even a worker in the home over night. But you will need to show you will try this.This is usually called Edge Of Care support.

If you can't do this (and I have seen families do this), at the absolute last choice, and not something I would advocate, is to literally take your daughter to the local council offices and leave her there. This statement very clearly shows that you will NOT have her home under any circumstances. Then they will HAVE to place her into emergency accommodation. They will then complete a Southwark Judgment to assess whether she is homeless. She will then be a Child Looked After Under section 20 of the Children's Act 1989 and eligible for all CLA and Leaving Care Services.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi, I hope you managed to get some help although my experience with ss isn’t a good one. I have a 15 year old boy who has aggressive issues, he attacked me and said he was going to kill me, threw a bedroom drawer at his sister and caused so many issues, we managed to get a private foster arrangement sorted and just before all the papers were signed he started physically assaulting the foster family’s daughter resulting in him being kicked out of that.s he is now back home and I am desperately searching for a way out. To the point I am happy to end my 20 year relationship to escape and keep my dd safe.
SS just keep telling me that I have parental responsibility, I understand this but that doesn’t mean I should take physical abuse and emotional trauma surely? He’s a lot taller and stronger than me and I genuinely do not trust him. Those saying they need help etc don’t understand that they won’t accept it, they are master manipulators.

Hi. Is your ss also violent towards your partner? It’s so stressful having children like this! I think they calm down as the years pass. My daughter is 16 and it feels like she is in control of me as I do anything to keep the peace now and don't dare to do anything that will provoke her. You’re not alone.

As someone in this thread has said - you need to report everything to the police. Every single time they either attack you or break your property (beyond normal teenage behaviour). Then you have a record of what's happening. Presumably your child has a social worker....in the end, the social worker has to do something if there is a record of all the violence and abuse (via the police). In the end, with my son (16.5 years) he had attacked us and smashed up our properties (both mine and his father's) so many times that the social worker had to do something because we refused to have our son abuse us anymore. Then they have no choice but to house your child under section 20 emergency housing. It is a voluntary agreement between parents and the local authority. In other words, we can ask for our son to come back home, which we really want to do once he stops abusing us. Because we still love him despite him abusing us

Having similar issues with DS. The road man label rings true. I hadn’t heard the therm until I read this thread and was calling it wannabe gangster behaviour. Where does it come from is it online the likes of Andrew Tate, general teen culture these days or what? I’m embarrassed and ashamed of his behaviour not just im the home towards us but at school. He attends a specialist school as has ASD but I’m now wondering if the cohort there is actually making matters worse. Seeing ADHD assessment again as didn’t meet the criteria the last time. Am at my wits end with his behaviour.

What has happened since you wrote this? You are describing my son. It is hell. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so ashamed of my son that I don't talk to many people about what's happening - if I need to talk about it I tell my friends and family diluted versions of what's happening because the whole truth is too shocking and shameful. I hate my life and what my son has turned it into. My son will never engage with the help offered to him. I am starting to think about moving away - basically hiding from him

My daughter was violent, it was horrendous .. having these massive blow-ups, she was wild, it was the worst period of my life.

We got a referral to CAMHS, I got her a therapist (who she still sees now), she was diagnosed with ASD and Anxiety, with borderline ADHD, she was medicated with Sertraline, and we’ve not look back. She’s 18 now, no violence in about 18 months, back at college … though it still feels like socially / emotionally she’s a couple of years younger.

Young people don’t want to feel angry, and out of control, it’s a horrible feeling. They don’t know how to healthy deal with, and express, difficult emotions. Talking therapies are really important.

Hi, I’m literally going through the same thing now as I write this my 15yoson is being transported back home after smashing a window And 2 cars up at home last night with not even a slap on the wrist!! I do not want him back at my property as he will just carry it on because I’ve called the police as a punishment to me!! He is constantly shouting and screaming in my face wanting me dead if I so much as say no and has openly said he won’t stop untill I kill my self.. there are to many judgmental comments on here unless you have received abuse from your child you cannot understand how hard it is and how it mentally effects you… my son has been like this for years used to just be threats now his just doing them all and doesn’t care one bit as there’s never any consequences apart for a few hours in a police cell.. I can’t keep going on like this. I have help in place but they will soon leave him like they did before, he sleeps all day while I’m out working then stays up all night soo g as he pleases and if I dare say anything to him he starts smashing things up his most common is cups/plates/glasses against the wall.. I totally can relate to your situation as I feel the same but unfortunately children can now wall
all over their parents and we’re the worried ones like we have done wrong!

You need to refuse to have him home
Go out and lock the doors. Then he will.go onto police protection. The SW team will try and convince you to have him home
.but you need to be firm and not change your mind

Social workers have 72 hours until Police Protection ends and they have to secure accommodation for the child.

You're confusing being arrested with police protection, they are different things. Police won't take police protection just because the parent refuses to have the child back. If she locks the doors and refuses to have her child back she can be arrested for child neglect. You cannot simply lock your door and refuse to house your child. It's a legal requirement to provide a home for your child.

My son did exactly what your son is doing - it started at around 13.5 (the violence towards us his family) and is still going now (he is 16.5). On the last occassion he pushed my partner to the floor and said he would stab him, he then smashed up the property when we left to calm the situation down. We called the police (again). He was arrested and when they wanted to release him and bring him back as they have done many, many times this time HE refused. He has found out you can leave home at 16 legally in the UK without your parents permission and because he is putting OUR lives in danger the local council housed him under section 20. We did not need to sign the section 20 as he was legally entitled to do it himself now he is 16. So my advice is hang on until he is 16....tell him explicitly "you know when you are 16 you don't have to live here and you don't need my permission. You can legally sign a section 20 yourself and get housing through the council". He will probably jump at this opportunity. Then you can live without fear.

You only have 1 option and that is to call the police and log that your daughter is physically and verbally abusive. Tell your daughter that you will call the police and press charges if you are abused further - you have to do this for your younger daughters sake - this is not a healthy environment for any of you.

Once you trigger the police social services will likely be involved to assess whether it’s safe for your youngest.

You have to log this with police as abuse - do this online or via phone and do it today.