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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

making 16 years old to move out

141 replies

Ramiona · 01/07/2023 16:09

Hi, so according to the law, 16 years can live independently but parents are responsible for them. How does it work? I have an almost 16 years old daughter who is highly abusive. I want her out, there is nothing I can do anymore with her behaviour. I am not able to control her. She has also OCD, and anxiety. She was challenging since I remember I was asking for mental help schools but they failed to provide anything. She can hit me and kick the door walls. The current situation is not good for my younger child and I am afraid I will finish with a stroke if I live longer under the same roof as my older daughter. I need to somehow move her out, there are no other family members to take her, and her father has rights taken away by the court. I do not want to involve the police as I lied to them already when she run away for half a day saying she will hit herself (they asked if she ever hit me and I said no even thou I have pictures proving otherwise but I didn't wanted put her in trouble). I don't want to cause her trouble I just want her out.

OP posts:
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Starlightstarbright2 · 01/07/2023 18:06

I can honestly say I have been in a similar situation except no other siblings .

different mh issues .

how does her ocd manifest itself . I assume she has been in camhs .

I did call the police in my my Ds just before he was 16. We got refered to early help . I have to say pretty useless - pretty useless - don’t visit if he is aggressive .

you can self refer to early help. I have gone on antiperspirants to help me cope - my own physical health has detiorated …

so there isn’t an easy solution but you need to be clear to Ss what exactly is going on but at this point you have nothing to lose.

Hecate01 · 01/07/2023 18:06

So many people judging. It's easy to say "but she's your daughter", until anyone is in this situation you don't understand what it's like and what about the other daughter doesn't she deserve a stable home life?

I used to work in a place that had many 16 year olds there and the parents would visit and often be upset about the situation but they also had other children to consider.

Contact social services and be honest with them, you can only take so much and I genuinely hope things get better for you.

maybebalancing · 01/07/2023 18:07

I have to agree with @WilkinsonM.
What they have stated is pretty much what always happens at least on the first contact with social services.
It is quite common for people to contact social services at the end of their rope with teenagers and stating that they have to be housed elsewhere.
It is very rare for that to happen.

Contacting the police every time she physically hurts you or your other child will help.
Requesting protection for your other dd may also help.

But there are very limited resources for this group.

Papergirl1968 · 01/07/2023 18:07

Op, I've just read your alarming updates. 999 every time. Get the police to put a domestic violence market on your address so your calls are prioritised.
I wonder if posters on here would react differently if the op's daughter was a strapping 6ft son or a partner? Some of your comments are minimising what is a very dangerous situation.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 01/07/2023 18:07

It sounds awful @Ramiona .
You may have already spoken to your GP about this but if not I would. Tell them exactly what she’s like, show them what she does to you.

I also agree with social services and the police.

You can’t go on like this.

Is she at college or anything?
Also is she with CAMHS?

L13422 · 01/07/2023 18:08

WilkinsonM · 01/07/2023 18:02

Can, might, but almost certainly won't. Those hostels are like gold dust and spaces are kept for those in absolute dire need and also they are pretty shit for teenagers - it's almost always better to be at home with family than in a hostel.

Show quote history

They certainly moved me into one at 16 easy enough not many years ago. I lived in the 16-25 hostels and the 18+ and it’s much much much better if the girl gets into the 16-25 ones which don’t usually take over 18s except for those with disabilities. So if this mum is just going to put her out at 18 anyways she’s much better to go into the hostels for young adults that can give a lot more support than tossed into a drug infested dumping ground at 18. I agree with you that it’s much better to be at home, but it’s healthier to be in an abuse free home

GCalltheway · 01/07/2023 18:11

I just read your update. Call the police.

Boomboom22 · 01/07/2023 18:12

To answer your question its very hard, the only real way is if one of her friends parents agrees for her to live with them informally.

Iamnotworthy · 01/07/2023 18:15

They certainly moved me into one at 16 easy enough not many years ago. I lived in the 16-25 hostels and the 18+ and it’s much much much better if the girl gets into the 16-25 ones which don’t usually take over 18s except for those with disabilities

Not sure if it differs depending which area of the country you're in, but my friend's nephew went into one at 16 (similar reasons to the OP) and they moved him out to an adult one the minute he turned 18.
To be honest he got no support in either of them, in the first one there was just a member of staff sat in an office all day and the kids could do what they wanted.

Twillow · 01/07/2023 18:15

Is she responsible for the broken toes?
Honestly, it will not change unless you do call the police. I have been through this. Next time she assaults you or damages something in the house, warn her that the next time it happens you will call the police. You won't be putting her in trouble - she will not be charged if you refuse to make a statement - but it will be the shock she needs to start to control her behaviour. And stand by it. It might be the end of your relationship but it sounds like there really isn't much of one as it stands. I absolutely understand how draining and wearing this is for you. And it is doing her no good either to continue abusing others in this way, I'm sure it's not the life you want for her.

Centrepiece · 01/07/2023 18:16

Ramiona · 01/07/2023 16:55

@WilkinsonM If I won't be able to make her move now then the day she is 18 I will give up my house and move out with her younger sister. Even if I had to live in a camper. Then no law will make me take her back.

OP she's your child. I don't know how it got to this but you don't just get to drop the child you raised for society to deal with the fallout. This is what's wrong with our society when it's someone else's responsibility to deal with our problems.

I'm sorry your child is abusing you though - you don't deserve that. You do need to work with social services on how to get her help, that's what she needs unless you just want to throw her out so she can continue assaulting other people.

Boomshock · 01/07/2023 18:16

I do not want to involve the police as I lied to them already when she run away for half a day saying she will hit herself (they asked if she ever hit me and I said no even thou I have pictures proving otherwise but I didn't wanted put her in trouble). I don't want to cause her trouble I just want her out.

Surely she wouldn't get in 'trouble', but it would have to be investigated and hopefully a resolution would come from there.

Even if she got in 'trouble' legally, that's probably still far more preferable to the medium to long term outcome of what will happen to her if she's kicked out now.

Centrepiece · 01/07/2023 18:18

Ramiona · 01/07/2023 17:01

@WilkinsonM yes, I do say it. She shouldn't have these things. There should be some balance; you give something, you get something. Not laying all day in front of Netflix or watching YouTubers. and fight that she has to have everything. 2 more years she will be out with her iPad but no internet who will give it to her then?

But who provided these things? Did you put some boundaries in place? How did it get to this? It can't all be your daughter's fault when you're the adult in the home and it didn't suddenly start happening.

Mirabai · 01/07/2023 18:18

Call Respect. They have programmes for young people who use violence in personal relationships. No-one should have to live with abuse.

Next time she’s violent you must call the police. You must have the courage to face her with the consequences of her abuse. The police will deal leniently initially as she is young, but they will give her a talking to, they will signpost places you can both get help.

https://www.respect.uk.net/pages/44-work-with-young-people-s-violence-and-abuse

Our work with young people

Responding effectively to young people's use of violence

https://www.respect.uk.net/pages/44-work-with-young-people-s-violence-and-abuse

myrtleWilson · 01/07/2023 18:18

In your posts earlier this year you mention her anxiety and that she's experienced 4/5 years of bullying at school but you don't mention the violence - do you think you can pin point an escalation into the violence?

You also mentioned a referral to CAMHS but they said they weren't interested because she wasn't being violent to her younger sibling - have you been re-referred following escalation of violence?

XiCi · 01/07/2023 18:21

GCalltheway · 01/07/2023 17:38

Is she having counselling? She definitely needs it.

op, I say this kindly but you are coming across as anxious, highly aggressive and stressed on here. Surely you can see that you are also probably making things worse. Take a step back and a deep breath. This is not all on her, she is a child struggling with her own mental health. You sound burnt out on so little sleep and too much work. Emotionally exhausted.

Take some annual leave whilst the dc are in school and get some help for yourself first. Oxygen mask on first.

Agree with this 100%

Parkandpicnic · 01/07/2023 18:25

Hecate01 · 01/07/2023 18:06

So many people judging. It's easy to say "but she's your daughter", until anyone is in this situation you don't understand what it's like and what about the other daughter doesn't she deserve a stable home life?

I used to work in a place that had many 16 year olds there and the parents would visit and often be upset about the situation but they also had other children to consider.

Contact social services and be honest with them, you can only take so much and I genuinely hope things get better for you.

Having worked with such families, absolutely agree. I don’t think people can imagine what a dreadful situation such parents are in, forced to be in highly abusive situation which not only often affects the younger children but takes a huge toll on their own mental health. This is not just dealing with a Kevin the teenager.

Papergirl1968 · 01/07/2023 18:26

Twillow · 01/07/2023 18:15

Is she responsible for the broken toes?
Honestly, it will not change unless you do call the police. I have been through this. Next time she assaults you or damages something in the house, warn her that the next time it happens you will call the police. You won't be putting her in trouble - she will not be charged if you refuse to make a statement - but it will be the shock she needs to start to control her behaviour. And stand by it. It might be the end of your relationship but it sounds like there really isn't much of one as it stands. I absolutely understand how draining and wearing this is for you. And it is doing her no good either to continue abusing others in this way, I'm sure it's not the life you want for her.

Sorry, but this is terrible advice.
Don't wait to be assaulted one more time, warn her NOW and stick to it. And most certainly don't then refuse to make a statement.
You need to be strong and say no more. And stick to it.

Quiverer · 01/07/2023 18:30

Is your younger child safe? If not, social services may well take the view that your daughter needs to be moved out for everyone's sake.

She does need to know that violence carries consequences. Is she violent at school?

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 18:32

I get it op as I see this daily with my best friend and her dd who is much younger than yours - I keep
Saying get the help and support now and fight for it . See the gp because CAAMHS and school are doing the absolute bare minimum.
But she keeps saying "oh they wont do anything " - they will - if you fight for it , been there .

But there is also a part of me feels they're your child , you can't just abandon them like a stray dog .

RandomMess · 01/07/2023 18:42

You call social services and say you can't cope anymore and stick to that. They will tell you all sorts of things but ultimately that's the only way.

Alternatively report her to the police for domestic abuse.

Hollyppp · 01/07/2023 19:31

Absolutely call the police next time she’s violent.

in the meantime do get social services involved

Fluple · 01/07/2023 19:34

I would call social services maybe she could stay in a residential.

Gingerkittykat · 01/07/2023 19:37

You need to report her to the police every time she assaults you.

They did take my friend's daughter into residential care aged 15 and then a hostel aged 16 when she repeatedly assaulted her mum and smashed up the house.

Nofreshstarthere22 · 01/07/2023 19:43

You can self refer her to CAMS.