making 16 years old to move out

[Ramiona]

Hi, so according to the law, 16 years can live independently but parents are responsible for them. How does it work? I have an almost 16 years old daughter who is highly abusive. I want her out, there is nothing I can do anymore with her behaviour. I am not able to control her. She has also OCD, and anxiety. She was challenging since I remember I was asking for mental help schools but they failed to provide anything. She can hit me and kick the door walls. The current situation is not good for my younger child and I am afraid I will finish with a stroke if I live longer under the same roof as my older daughter. I need to somehow move her out, there are no other family members to take her, and her father has rights taken away by the court. I do not want to involve the police as I lied to them already when she run away for half a day saying she will hit herself (they asked if she ever hit me and I said no even thou I have pictures proving otherwise but I didn't wanted put her in trouble). I don't want to cause her trouble I just want her out.

Btw I'm assuming you are in England.

Laws and support routes are different in Scotland

I can tell you now that social service will not find anywhere for her. They will be asking you to find somewhere else for her ie: family member if you are saying she don't stay at home. It would be classed as neglect to make her homeless which could also affect your younger child. They will offer you support however around parenting teens and getting the right boundaries in place

I haven't really got any advice to give but just to let you know I'm in a similar position so you have my utmost sympathy. My son will be 16 next year and he's made mine and his 2 younger brother's lives a misery since he was around 4. He's under the care of CYPS and has a diagnosis of Oppositional defiant disorder but they're talking about taking him off his medication which terrifies me. We had social services involvement for years but nothing now as I think they realised there's nothing they can do to improve the situation as he refuses to cooperate. He used to hit me and his brothers, smashes up the house, refuses to go to school (SEMH school who don't care if he attends or not) and basically treats me like his personal slave. He also never leaves the house so I never get a break from him.
I'm counting down the days till he can legally leave home.

Yes, it sounds harsh but the truth is I could've probably had him placed in foster care a few years ago if I'd wanted, but I didn't because I still love him deep down.
But me and my other son's are entitled to some peace and happiness in our own home, as are you. I don't think other people can understand unless they've been physically, mentally and verbally abused by their own child for years. They simply think it's our own fault for not being more assertive, strict enough etc etc.

But just so you know, you're not alone and I hope you can get your life back soon.

Please call social care, OP. Some councils are better than others.

If she assaults you, ring the Police and do this every time she does it.
As far as I’m aware people are not allowed to assault someone without consequences.

Hmm. Anxiety and OCD. Has she had help with those? My friend assesses children for ASD and many have previously been diagnosed as having anxiety and OCD. The behaviour issues are due to being utterly overwhelmed with the world around them. Even if it’s ‘just’ ocd and anxiety, she needs support and love, not to be removed from her home and family.

Why don't you take away all the nice stuff. Why are you paying for all these extras when she doesn't appreciate them?

Is she having counselling? She definitely needs it.

op, I say this kindly but you are coming across as anxious, highly aggressive and stressed on here. Surely you can see that you are also probably making things worse. Take a step back and a deep breath. This is not all on her, she is a child struggling with her own mental health. You sound burnt out on so little sleep and too much work. Emotionally exhausted.

Take some annual leave whilst the dc are in school and get some help for yourself first. Oxygen mask on first.

Look up Naomi Fisher and take one of her courses in low demand parenting. You have two years to try and turn this around.

I think some posters on here are being very harsh. You're a victim of domestic abuse as I was from my two (adopted) daughters.
The oldest went to prison (well, YPI) for three months for assaulting me, the youngest went back into care at 15 because I couldn't keep her safe - running off and self harming as well as aggression towards me. Both caused a huge amount of damage to my home.
I don't know whether to advise turning off the wifi, stopping buying treats, stop paying her mobile bill, handing out pocket money etc, or whether that would cause more meltdowns. What I would advise however is police every single time she gets aggressive towards you. They will understand why you lied before. A lot of victims of domestic abuse do. They may start off with giving her a good talking too, the next time maybe a few hours cooling her heels in the cells, the time after that court but probably just a fine, the time after that maybe a spell behind bars.
I would also speak to children's services and tell them about the violence and that there is a risk to your physical.safety and the toll it is taking on your physical and mental health. You may have to kick her out to get them to take you seriously though.
And yes, there are still small children's homes. Dd2 was in a not particularly good one which was also only about three miles from home so she continued running off to see mates. Then she was moved to a remote one about 50 miles away where she was the only kid for many months before one other girl arrived, and the staff there did a great job with her. After that she went into several independent living type places before being given her own council flat in a tower block. She returned to live with me for a short period recently and had a baby. All good for a couple of months but our relationship has recently broken down again and she and baby are staying with a member of her birth family.

Op she is going to grow out of this phase, and you will lose her forever

I don't assume that, and I suspect she's not in the UK at all, because she says in the OP that "her father has rights taken away by the court."

That is exceptionally rare in any of the British jurisdictions.

I can think of some practical things OP.

For the electrical use I would put money on the key meter daily, but not until after you've finished work. Then she can't drain all the electric throughout the day because there won't be any. You can come home from work get yourself and the younger child washed, then while oldest child is in the shower you can vacuum, cook tea, charge phone. Once the electric is gone that's it until you put more in tomorrow evening. If you don't keep much in the fridge it'll be ok especially if it's not meat. Buy things in tins and packets where you can.

Days off take younger child and go to grandparents, leaving older child at home. So you get a break. If they understand the situation I hope they won't mind you staying all day.

If you can't afford all the Netflix etc then cancel it. She won't be able to watch it without electricity anyway. If you're planning to leave your house in 2yrs time you need to build up some savings for your next rental and moving costs not be living hand to mouth.

How many rooms in your house? I'm wondering if there's any way to divide it to give oldest child some more independence? Like maybe she can have her own sitting room as well as bedroom then you don't keep those rooms clean, she can live in filth and mess if she wants. If she messes up your room can you put a lock on the door so she can't access it then at least your bedroom becomes your sanctuary, same for youngest child. If the house layout allows you could maybe give oldest child the dining room as a bedroom and the living room for herself then you and youngest child have the upstairs, creating a living room in oldest child's former bedroom. If it's possible to give oldest child her own bathroom that's another room you won't have to clean and tidy. Then the only shared space she'd be messing up is the kitchen. She might feel more in control of her own life if she has some independence and then her behaviour might improve. She might start keeping the place clean and tidy if there's no one doing it for her.

I am doing nothing I want her out, For now, I am staying home with 3 broken toes

I've read the Op's posts again and nowhere on there does she say anything which could be interpreted as "highly aggressive." Stop blaming the victim. As for the kid being a child, technically she is but as you know teenagers can be as big as or bigger than their mums. Mine weren't as it happened but could still pack an almighty punch. Have a bit of compassion, FFS.

This just isn’t true. There are hostels for 16-25 year olds and social services can find her place

Call social services and tell them what's going on.

@Irunoncoffeemascaraandhighheels you don't understand. The question was how to move her out nothing else. I don't have prepaid matter so I can't put some coins even thou my fridge would run out without electricity ( I do usually shop in Costco so there is plenty of food in it)and my security cameras as well.
I can't don't let her take a bath, or cancel netflix I cant even disconnect internet or she takes hanger and beats me up with it, she spit on me, scrathes me with long nails. I had to call sick work o many times because I was embarrassed to go there. So no I do not want fix things I do not want any help anymore I just want her out

^this

So if her father has had his rights taken away then she must have been through a lot?
what help had she had? Therapy? Medication?
what is she doing with her life in regards to education?

If she has broken your toes go to the police. Surely they cannot ignore that? It has to impact your younger child.

I know it's hard, and I do have sympathy with you. And if you are broken because ofnher then I think you should be abke tonhand her over to social services sad as that would be.

What an awful situation for you, think the only option is to involve social services if there isn’t any other option you can arrange privately of family, residential college etc, they are not un used to dealing with this sort of situation

Can, might, but almost certainly won't. Those hostels are like gold dust and spaces are kept for those in absolute dire need and also they are pretty shit for teenagers - it's almost always better to be at home with family than in a hostel.

Why haven't you reported this to the police?

Your relationship has well and truly broken down. It’s not safe for either of you for her to remain. It might be repairable in the future but right now you are broken and very very few parents really want their children out at 16. However right now you see no other solution.

Whenever she is violent and aggressive please call 999. Fear for your and younger siblings safety. Tell them she can’t remain.

Contact social services on Monday. You want her voluntarily accommodated.