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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Physical fight with teen boy

138 replies

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:10

I can’t believe I’m typing this.

He is 12, he has autism and is also medicated for adhd. His meds wear off after school and he punched his brother as they got in the car. He deliberately antagonised him, his brother shouted back and so he punched him, hard, so as I think he will bruise.

We got home and I said he was on a screen ban. He had a lock on his door and he went in and locked it. He knows he is not supposed to lock it unless he’s going out. I have a key but it was in the cupboard. I can control screens via the router so I did this and then he came downstairs. I gave him a couple of jobs to do and I went up and took his keys and carried on cooking dinner. I suspect he wanted to lock his room so he can get on some other device somehow, he’s very tech savvy.

I tried de-escalating, distracting, walking away, humour, anything. But I wasn’t prepared to just hand over his keys.

He started to cry saying he wanted his keys back and then started swearing. I said that that wasn’t going to get him anywhere and he grabbed a ladle and threw it.

I said I absolutely would not be handing his keys back, he could go back to his room and there would be no screens.

He stood in front of me swearing and shouting “give me my fucking keys woman, give them to me now you fucking stupid woman give me my keys.” I stayed calm and he carried on getting closer into my face and I said “if you carry on swearing into my face I shall slap you.” And he said “fuck you” and I slapped him on the cheek.

He went bezerk and punched me to the ground. I ended up on the kitchen floor with him standing over me. Im really really sore all down one side and on my arm, and very shaken. He’s gone to his room and I’ve stopped crying now.

I have no idea what to do. I shouldn’t have slapped him. In my entire life I’ve never ever been physically battered like this.

Im on my own with them, their dad is hopeless and lives an hour away.

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 27/04/2023 18:12

I don't condone his behaviour and absolutely not the assault , but want that almost inevitable when you hit him? Have you got anyone he can go to overnight so you can both have some space? Do you have any social care support?

TheHandmaiden · 27/04/2023 18:15

You send this child to his fathers, no matter how useless you think he is. He is prepared to square up to you and you can't put that back in the box. Autism is not an excuse.

You should not have hit him or threatened him. That is another reason for him to not be in the house.

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:15

No social care support, and nowhere else he could go.

I absolutely shouldn’t have slapped him. But I also DID think it would stop him in his tracks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:16

If he went to his dads he wouldn’t get into school tomorrow and it feels like a reward somehow, as his dad does the whole Disney bit. And hates me too, so I doubt he would even punish him.

OP posts:
TheHandmaiden · 27/04/2023 18:17

It's not about the reward. It's about your safety and his.

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:18

He won’t do it again. I don’t feel unsafe, just like I don’t know where the hell to go with this.

OP posts:
cansu · 27/04/2023 18:18

Let everyone cool off.

When things are calmer talk to him.
You shouldn't have slapped him. I would personally apologise for that. I would also tell him that his violence and swearing at you was very wrong. Discuss with him how you can both make sure it doesn't happen again.

After school can you keep the brothers apart? Can one sit in the front with you?
Can ds wear headphones in the car?
I think that screens can be a way of calming and regulating for some people with asd.
Could he have an hour on his room with his tech and a snack to decompress after the day?
Cam he take a diff dose of meds?

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:19

cansu · 27/04/2023 18:18

Let everyone cool off.

When things are calmer talk to him.
You shouldn't have slapped him. I would personally apologise for that. I would also tell him that his violence and swearing at you was very wrong. Discuss with him how you can both make sure it doesn't happen again.

After school can you keep the brothers apart? Can one sit in the front with you?
Can ds wear headphones in the car?
I think that screens can be a way of calming and regulating for some people with asd.
Could he have an hour on his room with his tech and a snack to decompress after the day?
Cam he take a diff dose of meds?

Thank you - he has loads of gaming time to decompress, and I totally get that he’s at his most fractious in the transition from school to home as his meds wear off. So I can rationalise what happened. But I also don’t want to excuse it in any way and for there to be a consequence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:20

They have loads of physical space too after school, own rooms and devices etc.

Im stunned at how hard he hit me, repeatedly.

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 27/04/2023 18:21

Are the meds just for school hours or does he have a top up after school? As he grows bigger, is it possible that he needs the meds to be adjusted? 14 years old is the time that my ds grew the most.

Does he have things that he can do in his room to chill that doesn't involve a screen? Most teens use their phone for music which is a shame as it's important for keeping my teens chilled.

Weallgottachangesometime · 27/04/2023 18:22

Oh op I am so sorry, this sounds absolutely awful for you all!

I think let things calm down tonight and then tomorrow you need a serious conversation with him.

You absolutely should not have hit him, because that escalated the situation, but he also should not have hit his brother or you. If it were me I would express regret about you hitting him, let him know that you won’t ever do that again BUT if he ever hits anyone in the home again you will call the police. I mean you may want to consider contacting the police anyway depending on how you feel following him hitting you.

Is it worth talking to his school tomorrow? Letting them know what has occurred. Ask for their support.

I hope things stay calm and you get some help.

Whochangedmynamec · 27/04/2023 18:23

Sorry you went through this OP but you have to know that threatening to assault a minor and then hitting his face was wrong.

Violence isn’t acceptable. His overreaction was disproportionate and it must never happen again.

The balance of power in your house has shifted. Treat him with respect, listen to him, give him choices. Don’t let him abuse your other child. For now, I suggest you both apologise and you assure him that you will never hit him again.

Be an adult. Stay calm. Make the best decision for the situation. He needs a calm, firm, consistent presence in his life. Be that for him. I am sure that he is as frightened and upset as you. It will blow over.

Weallgottachangesometime · 27/04/2023 18:23

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:20

They have loads of physical space too after school, own rooms and devices etc.

Im stunned at how hard he hit me, repeatedly.

Did he basically beat you?!

Id be worried that now it happened once iris more likely to occur again. I think you need to alert school and if he has a paediatrician or whoever oversees his mediation alert them too.

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:25

Weallgottachangesometime · 27/04/2023 18:23

Did he basically beat you?!

Id be worried that now it happened once iris more likely to occur again. I think you need to alert school and if he has a paediatrician or whoever oversees his mediation alert them too.

Show quote history

Yes. He punched me on my arm and I turned and he hit me on my shoulder and my back. I’m much bigger than him but he knocked me down.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 27/04/2023 18:26

Call ss for help
Send him to his dad
This is not working
He could kill you even by accident

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:27

Whochangedmynamec · 27/04/2023 18:23

Sorry you went through this OP but you have to know that threatening to assault a minor and then hitting his face was wrong.

Violence isn’t acceptable. His overreaction was disproportionate and it must never happen again.

The balance of power in your house has shifted. Treat him with respect, listen to him, give him choices. Don’t let him abuse your other child. For now, I suggest you both apologise and you assure him that you will never hit him again.

Be an adult. Stay calm. Make the best decision for the situation. He needs a calm, firm, consistent presence in his life. Be that for him. I am sure that he is as frightened and upset as you. It will blow over.

I try and parent with respect already. He wouldn’t stop swearing in my face. This whole episode from pick-up at school to his hurting me was over an hour and during that time he was absolutely raging.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:27

cestlavielife · 27/04/2023 18:26

Call ss for help
Send him to his dad
This is not working
He could kill you even by accident

Thanks.

No.

OP posts:
TheHandmaiden · 27/04/2023 18:29

Being repeated punched and beaten by your son is a game changer. It is not in your favour and if you think you are going to assert any authority after this then good luck. It will not blow over.

You are going to be scared and he's given himself permission to be violent. You need him out of the house.

SaturdayGiraffe · 27/04/2023 18:30

And how is your other child? Did he witness the domestic violence?

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:32

SaturdayGiraffe · 27/04/2023 18:30

And how is your other child? Did he witness the domestic violence?

No, there was only us there.

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 27/04/2023 18:33

Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:25

Yes. He punched me on my arm and I turned and he hit me on my shoulder and my back. I’m much bigger than him but he knocked me down.

Show quote history

Have you got a friend that can pop round and chat things through with you? Is there a sensible male adult who can come and speak to son about what happened?

You’ll have to call the police if it happens again. I’d let him know that will have to be the outcome and follow through if he does hurt you again.

Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:33

TheHandmaiden · 27/04/2023 18:29

Being repeated punched and beaten by your son is a game changer. It is not in your favour and if you think you are going to assert any authority after this then good luck. It will not blow over.

You are going to be scared and he's given himself permission to be violent. You need him out of the house.

It was a reaction, not calculated, I don’t think he’s “given himself permission” etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallysoreandhurt · 27/04/2023 18:34

I’ve looked in on him and he is fast asleep.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/04/2023 18:38

How old is your other son who was assaulted first? Does this happen often to him? At some point he's going to have enough and want to leave the home, has he not told his dad or someone at school this is happening?

Octavia64 · 27/04/2023 18:41

Hi op.

A similar situation happened with my son and his dad. My husband at the time genuinely believed he had the right to physically punish his kids.

My son was a teenager and did not want to be hit.

The inevitable happened, my husband went to slap my son and my son got in first and then told his dad never to hit him again and that if he tried to my son would call the police and report his dad to social services.

Slapping teenagers is a very high risk parenting strategy, as you have found out. They don't like it and if they're bigger than you they can inflict a lot more damage on you than you can on them.

It would probably be a good idea to talk to someone with experience in parenting autistic teenagers about what strategies are likely to be effective and what you can do to try to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen again.